11月真题作文我写了个，求批改

syiqc808UID: 2798596

是把小孩放到单独的托儿所好还是，有很多小孩在一起的托儿所

With the development of society, parents are becoming increasingly busy with their daily work. Unlike in the past women were only responsible for taking care of children at home, now women are very much involved in the job the same as men do. So, here comes the question, who will take care of the baby when both parents are working outside? Many people tender to send their children to individual caregiver, however, from my point of view, I prefer to send children to the care center where many children are cared together. It is because this kind of care center can provide lots of valuable things to children such as social rules they must obey, social relationship they must know how to develop, and most importantly the respect towards others and teamwork spirit.

First of all,  as we know, Parents send their children to the care center aiming to have their kids not only been cared but also been taught and educated with knowledge which is useful to their future development. Among them, social disciplines and rules are the first a few things that any child need to be taugh when they are young so that they can gradually develop themselves to become a self-disciplined person. For example, in a care center with many children, kids can be better educated on this point, because many rules and disciplines can be easily put into practice. Kids should stand and wait in a line to get their toys instead of coming all together without order. some kids are praised for their right behaviors and some are punished for their wrong doings. So, under this situation, kids get more examples to follow. They will try their best to follow the rules to get the credits from their teachers. On the other hand, in the individual caregiver, kids won't get so many opportunities and exmples to test the rules.

Moreover, the importance of social relationship can never be exaggerated for any individual. However, survey shows that the ability to establish good relationship with others is greatly influence by children's early education.  A child grow up in an environment with lots of playmates tender to be more extraverted and skillful in socail cycle than the one who doesn't. That is why I insist sending children to public care center would be a better choice. Children there have playmates of the same age. They are able to start learning how to choose and make friends under the guidance of their teachers. Meanwhile during the process, they will face conflict and frustration with their little friends inevitably so that learn the lesson and improve themselves. However, suppose kids in an individual care center, they will have no playmates of their age, so they have few opportunities to put what their teacher's saying into practice and learn lessons from their setback. Thus they are bound to fall behind their counterparts in terms of social abiltiy.

Last but not least, staying in a public care center allows a kid an ideal opportunity to learn respect and teamwork spirit. Nowadays, a growing number of families only have one child. kids are so much spoiled by their parents and grandparents so that they take everything they have for granted and very much self-centered. Many kids never help their parents with housework and sometimes shout at their parents. This bad habit will continue if the kids were put into individual center because they get special care there. However, for the public center, every child is equal. No kid will get special treatment, so they must learn to respect each other. Say "thank you" when they received help from others. and say "sorry" when they disrupt others. Gradually kids will become less self-centered and willing to cooperate with other peers. This early education plays a vital role in their future success.

In sum, considering all these benefits mentioned above, we can safely come to the conclusion that sending children to the care center where many children are cared together is a better choice.

gterlannUID: 3595027

大概改了下,自己参考

syiqc808UID: 2798596

gterlann 发表于 2015-11-17 17:42
大概改了下,自己参考

我在您提的建议上修改了：您看怎么样
1）重新整理逻辑论据
2）去掉明显的木板痕迹
3）增加例子等

Nowadays the significant change happened in the society is that a growing number of women are working outside instead of only taking of children at home. And both parents are becoming increasingly busy with their daily job. So, here comes the question that who should take care of children when parents are working outside. Some people tend to consign their children to the individual care givers, but I prefer to choose the care centers where many children are cared together. This is because public care centers can provide kids with additional benefits including the sense of observance to the social rules, skills in communication and making friends as well as a happy childhood.

As we know, parents consign their children to care centers aiming to have their children not only be cared but also be taught and educated with knowledge which is useful to their future development. Some basic social rules and disciplines are the first few things that all children need be taught. For example, waiting in a line instead of crowding all together, saying "thank you" when received help from someone, keeping quiet when others are talking. Following these social rules is the first step to be a respectable person. However, kids cared in public care centers have much bigger opportunity to form these habit than those who cared in individual care centers. It is because they are able to put the things teacher taught into practice. For instance, when it is the time for lunch teachers will require children to stand in a line and go to the dinning hall one by one instead of flooding in at the same time. This will be repeated again and again, consequently the awareness of the rules will be reinforced in children's mind as well. Some kids are praised for their right behaviors while others are punished for their wrong doings. Because every child wants to get credits from their teachers, they will try their best to follow the rules set by their teachers. On the other hand, since kids in individual care centers are alone, they do not have so many chances to reinforce they awareness of the social rules taught by they teachers. Thus they are less likely to have a good sense of rules and disciplines.

Meanwhile, people skill and the proper way of communication are other advantages public care centers can provide with. Children in individual care centers have much less opportunity to interact with kids of their age. So they can not gain experience in terms of making friends, respect, teamwork spirit, etc. Very often kids in individual care centers are much spoiled because they are the only kid there. Many of them become self-centered taking what they get for granted. However, kids in public care center can learn a lot during their daily practice. For example, when a kid found that few others want to play with him, he will feel frustrated and start to think about it. With the help of teachers, he may come to the conclusion that he is not generous enough. So he will share his toys and snack with other kids, and his peers will accept him. By doing the trials again and again, kids will finally get their people skill developed preparing them for their future success. On the contrary, kids in individual care center can only obtain the knowledge in theory without practice.

Finally, I believe children grown up in a care centers where many children cared together can enjoy a much happier childhood than those in individual care centers. After all, adult and child think differently. So adults can hardly be the true playmates of children. For example, children are fond of pretending themselves to be the super heroes from cartoons. But adults are unfamiliar with the characters so they don't know how to cooperate with the kids. After a few times, kids will stop asking adult to play with them and they just play with themselves. Ultimately childhood will be full of loneliness and sorrow.

Therefore, I believe that consigning children to public care centers is a better choice because of the benefits mentioned above.

gterlannUID: 3595027

syiqc808 发表于 2015-11-18 21:44
我在您提的建议上修改了：您看怎么样
1）重新整理逻辑论据
2）去掉明显的木板痕迹

我修改还是写的比较仔细的,你如果认真揣摩过了一定会有进步的.另外你作文互改可以去版里的互改小组进行,大家可以互相讨论我看了真的很好.
我那天正好有时间所以帮忙改了一下,这段时间其实很忙未必能腾出时间.