help! about the writing

hearseaUID: 34806

I wrote the sumary about the following article, please help me to correct it. Thanks million times!

No.1 Architects plan estates that can vanquish racism

The world’s leading architects will meet in London on Tuesday to launch plans for Britain’s housing estates of the future – estates that will help to combat racism.

Following the failure of concrete urban complexes, tower blocks and far-flung suburban cul-de-sac developments, internationally acclaimed architects, including Daniel Libeskind, who will rebuild Group Zero in New York, and Britain’s Richard Rogers, Zaha Hadid and Will Alsop are to support a call for a return to old-fashioned terraces and mixed community living.

Alsop Architects is to urge town planners and housing associations to reconsider the shape of the conversional two-up, two-down terraced house. Partners believe that, far from alienating residents, such affordable living can promote a sense of belonging and prove less socially divisive.

“Mistakes were made in the past, but architects generally are a lot more savvy now about what will and will not work,” said James Hulme of Alsop Architects.

Tom Bloxham, chairman of the Urban Splash Group, is working with Alsop Architects on urban renewal work in Manchester and also on a project in Salford where unwanted two-up, two-down terraces are being restored.

“There has been a false divide between social and private housing and it has the effect of social engineering,” he said. “People given the highest number of housing points by the local authority, the people with problems, get put together. So estates become ghettos and neighboring gated ghettos for the rich also develop.”

The conference will focus on radical ways of integrating black and ethnic minority communities. The Housing Corporation which is responsible for investing more than $2 billion in social housing and housing associations, tries to ensure that people want, and can afford, to live in the homes that are available.

“Black and minority ethnic communities have in the main been dealt a poor hand when it comes to social housing,” said Baroness Brenda Dean, chairman of the corporation. “But innovative design should not be the sole domain of the private sector and we are challenging the architectural community to drive a sea change.

The summary I wrote is following:

The new housing estates of the future which will help to reduce racism will be discussed by the world’s leading architects in London who believed to rebuild the old-fashion terraces and mixed community because of the failure concrete urban complexes. The Alsop Architects prompt the modal of two up, two-down terraced house in order to correct the misunderstanding and improve the neighboring communication further more. By mainly solving the racial problems of the black and ethnic minority, much more investment will set up in this project. of course, except this proposal, others actions to remove the racism play more important role

newcomerUID: 162394

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hearseaUID: 34806

Don't say like that, I have to inprove the writing as a business school's student. Anyway, thank you veru much!

chicagochenUID: 116575

我先主要谈谈语言问题 至于summary的其他要点暂时忽略

The new housing estates of the future which will help to reduce racism will be discussed by the world’s leading architects in London who believed to rebuild the old-fashion terraces and mixed community because of the failure concrete urban complexes.

问题：
1。开始两个will  个人看着不舒服
改为：
（the issue of establishments of) The new housing estates of the future aimed to help to reduce racism will be discussed by the world’s leading architects in London  
2.时态混淆
后半句改为 who plan to rebuild the old-fashion terraces and mixed community after our years of failure in building concrete urban complexes.

.
3。By mainly solving the racial problems of the black and ethnic minority, much more investment will set up in this project.

此句不通吧 让人不知所云


4。of course, except this proposal, others actions to remove the racism play more important role

remove racism? 不搭配 eliminate.而且是不可能消除racism 的


个人建议 仅供参考

hearseaUID: 34806

thanks to chicagochen, you are so great. the essay about the article will be following, expecting your correction.

hearseaUID: 34806

hi, chicagochen, do you think there is the template to according when witing the commenting about the article? such as the GMAT template. thank you very much!

imongUID: 140258

I don't appreciate anyone using "template" of any kind. As to my experience in GRE analytical writing, I think "template" is bullshit --- though some other people claim that they are somewhat useful.

I suggest that you forget about it. There IS the ROUTINE to follow but the word "template" goes to extreme.

hearseaUID: 34806

thanks imong, you said are right but the template can play a role more or less. anyway, the most important is your real level, for me, there is a lillte difficulties.
another article is following, welcome correcting!

hearseaUID: 34806

How ministers failed over foot-and-mouth
Tony Blair agreed yesterday that there was a slow start to the Government’s response to the foot-and-mouth outbreak. He appeared, to rule out an official inquiry into how it was handled.
What has become clear is that the Ministry of Agriculture took a hammering in the Whitehall competence stakes as it has lurched from bungle to cock-up. A small department, it did not have sufficient people, cash or logistical know-how to tackle the outbreak and the Government was slow to recognize the fact.
One of the first mistakes was the failure to ban all animal movements as soon as the disease was confirmed at Cheale Meats abattoir on February 20. It was not until after the source of the original inflection was traced to a pig farm at Heddon-on-the-Wall in Northumberland two fays later that a nationwide movement ban was imposed. In that time the virus was spread farther by sheep movements.
The Prime Minister gave his approval for the ban in a telephone call to Nick Brown, the Agriculture Minister, from Washington. A disease emergency command centre was set up inside the ministry and on his return Mr Blair had almost daily meetings with Mr Brown and Jim Scudamore, the chief veterinary officer.
Despite the public face of calm, behind-the-scenes decision-making appears to have been stultified by endless official meetings and a failure to circumvent normal bureaucratic practices to deliver speedy action.
As the number of cases increased, the Government realized that it had insufficient vets and resources. Many vets could not afford to help at 16.50 pounds an hour and some refused to do so when values were being paid from 500 to 1500 pounds a day to work out compensation for infected farms. Disinfectant supplies were scarce in many countries. As vets moved to track dangerous contacts, there was a build-up of animals to be slaughtered. The Government rejected offers of help from licensed hunt slaughtermen. Then carcasses started to pile up. The Government seemed incapable of organizing a chain of people to diagnose, slaughter and dispose. There were difficulties with the Environment Agency and water companies about burial sites and pyres took too long to build. Calls to bring in the Army were rejected.
After three weeks, small military logistics teams were sent into Cumbria and Devon, but still the cases were increasing. Mr Blair was forced to intervene. But it took at least three days to decide figures of infected cases were massaged, fuelling reports tensions and rows between the ministry and the command centre.
Scientific forecasts, suggesting that epidemic was out of control, predicted that there were would be 400 new cases a day by mid-May without an urgent slaughter-and disposal policy. Mr Blair ordered the cull of all farms within three kilometers of an infected farm.
Farmers registered the slaughter of healthy animals. Within days it was apparent that officials could not cope. The piles of dead animals mounted while farmers with infected animals were screaming for them to be slaughtered. The three-kilometer cull was changed to contiguous cull. Meanwhile, animal welfare groups and organic farmers demanded protection of herds and flocks by vaccination. Many farmers objected and ministers dithered. Last week it was no longer a viable action and Mr Blair approved a plan to give vets discretion to save healthy cattle. In the rush to save Phoenix the calf, Downing Street briefed that all unaffected animals would be spared.


The summary I wrote:
Along with the animal disease became more and more seriously, the government have operated some measures to handle, but they didn’t seem to play a big role because of the insufficient people, cash and logistics know. Banning all animal movements caused the virus spread further, so that made the number of cases increased. Meanwhile, lack of the enough vets and available resource slowed the progress, and other difficulties such as the environmental problems also emerged. Although new measures are started, the scientists forecasted it was out of the control. Other pressures are from the farmers, how to protect the unaffected animals and make sure the slaughter the healthy animals began to confused the government.

chicagochenUID: 116575

first, i think it is good to begin with template then abandon it after you have mastered the essence.

for your new summary, here is some suggestions:
1.it may be better to use " Since" instead of "along with"  in the first sentence.
2.government had( not have). do not make grammar errors.
3.take measure( not operate)
4.to handle it.
5.people is never insufficient. " workforce " maybe better.
6.  "so that made",  seems not right...." thus making..."
7."out of the control"-----"out of control"
8.The last sentence contains two sentence;find some conjunctive to connect them.

hearseaUID: 34806

well, thx chicagochen.
But, if I comment this article, how can I do? can you give me some ideas or suggestions? thanks million times again!
very hurry...................