小弟写的第一篇个人陈述，准备申请usu，求大神批评指正

wq295228153UID：3553809

My interest in electronics blossomed during my sophomore year. It was the first time my brother’s friend came to my home to help us repair our network. I helped him to adjust the direction of antenna and listened his explications of this. After talking with him, I learned lot knowledge of the telecommunications and immediately fascinated by this field. At that time, as physics major students, the too fundamental knowledge I have learned make me want to learn more practical theory. The telecommunications is one of these theories. Thus I taught myself such telecommunications’ courses as Fundamentals of Wireless Communication, Digital Signal Processing, etc. These courses laid the foundation for my courses in Communication Systems at a later stage. My previously foundation in physics also provided me with a stepping stone with which I proceeded onto the exploration of other sophisticated and erudite subjects. My undergraduate studies already focus on the communications aspect of telecommunications. A master’s degree in telecommunications engineering as major field is the next logical step. So after one year preparation, I decided to apply for the communication engineering in Xidian University. It is the one of best university in this field in China and required eight majors’ courses during the post graduate test. Finally I entered to it with the highest score in my specialty. I study the mesh network with my brother’s friend in State Key Laboratory of Integrated Services Networks. As a new area, I understood its advantages and believed I will learn deeper knowledge.

We study a mesh protocol which designed by our laboratory. The research group used it on the wireless router to build a wireless mesh network in our campus. As a graduate student, I completed several research projects  successfully, including, for instance, improvement of clients’ hand off efficiency and throughput performance. I read a lot books and papers to find the solution. By combine with the network coding I increase the protocol’s throughput about 15%. I also designed a new topology to handle the broken link. During the study of hand off process, the Professor Hu’s papers about how to handle the quick hand off problems in the next generation wireless networking were inspiring me a lot. By reading these articles, I realized only focus on the protocol seems not enough. I desire to step along this direction further.  

The strong interests in communications stimulated my enthusiasm in study and motivated me to equip myself with specialty knowledge to the greatest possible extent. Apart from the study task, I also built a team to develop a router which can solve the problem in our dormitory. Due to the special dial limitation, normal router cannot use in our dorm, so we analysis the dial process on computer and write a simulate dial program on the router. Sooner, other students eager to own this router, we decide to develop it to a complete product. Under my organization and leadership, the task team, which consisted of a number of senior undergraduates and graduates, conducted surveys and interviews, analyzed students’ feedback, consulted a huge amount of technical literature, and then added the functions which our peers need. We also design an APP for this router. By using it, about 40% students can surf online more conveniently. With our products started to increase the market share, the reputation of our team became increasingly widespread. We were invited to participate the Chinese Innovation & Entrepreneurship Competition. After the drastic competing, we achieved the second award and represent our province to the national competition. In retrospection, I found that it was our great enthusiasm for telecommunications, and our cooperation to solve the problems faced in people’s life that have helped us win these honor. Although in National wide competition we just earn the 12th，I learned I need to take a further study to make more contribute to the technological development in this area.

My desire to learn more about telecommunication engineering prompted me to rise above my present conditions. The United States, as technological superpower, have first-rate teaching faculty and research facilities in the world. Its ideological openness and academic freedom make a sharp contrast to Chinese culture, and this environment cultivates the most innovations in the world. Wireless telecommunication may be one of the newest research areas, a freedom and openness education system will promote the progress of this field. I believe that in the fine research environment in the United States, I will be able to achieve my academic and career goals more quickly.

I would like to apply for admission to the Electrical and Computer Engineering Graduate program in Utah state university. I was eager to participate the Professor Hu‘s research group to learn the theories of next generation wireless network. I have learned that the Utah State University education emphasizes an experience based on collaboration and innovation. It will provide for a variety of rich learning experiences inside and outside the classroom. My ideal of study very close to this, thus I believe it is an ideal place for me to fully develop my research potential.

I look forward to participate in the wireless communication company in China after completing my graduate education, which will allow me to continue my research work in Wireless Telecommunications. I will find the opportunity to launch my own company with my friends, and wish we will benefit Chinese wireless telecommunication industry at large. I will make every effort to make the idea of “personal communication” a reality.

oddfellowsUID：3611391

只快速过了一下第一段（虽然看了全文），基本上是逐句改的，后面靠大家了。引号内的建议替换仅供参考，因为每个人风格不一样，最后文书还得大体上完整统一，要sound like you. 段落间用词和语气最终一定要一致。


My interest in electronics blossomed during my sophomore year.
不要用blossom，flourish之类就可以了。最简单的grow或者was initiated都比blossom要恰当。

It was the first time my brother’s friend came to my home to help us repair our network.
这应该并在第一句里面，my sophomore year when ...

I helped him to adjust the direction of antenna and listened his explications of this.
the antenna或者his antenna；listened to his explanation；this换成具体指代的东西。

After talking with him, I learned lot knowledge of the telecommunications and immediately fascinated by this field.
was fascinated；为什么学了telecomm的知识导致你的浓厚兴趣？而不是其他的，你可能已经学得较深的知识？换言之你的具体兴趣点在哪里？

At that time, as physics major students, the too fundamental knowledge I have learned make me want to learn more practical theory.
首先pracitical theory前后矛盾；在忽略这个矛盾的情况下，可以参考用 “The practical theory from telecommunication provided a new perspective to me, who was learning fundamental physics at the time.”

The telecommunications is one of these theories.
如果前一句用引号内的形式，这句可以略掉。

Thus I taught myself such telecommunications’ courses as Fundamentals of Wireless Communication, Digital Signal Processing, etc.
自学不要用course。这句话两种interpretation：一是你在fundamentals of wireless comm和digital signal processing有教课水平，然后你顺便教了自己；二是你选了这两门课，但因为某些原因不得不自学。建议用"I introduced myself to some topics of telecommunication, including ..., which prepared me for my systematic learning of communication systems."

These courses laid the foundation for my courses in Communication Systems at a later stage.
如果前一句用引号内的形式，这句可以略掉。

My previously foundation in physics also provided me with a stepping stone with which I proceeded onto the exploration of other sophisticated and erudite subjects.
这句比较空洞，看起来是起衔接作用。

My undergraduate studies already focus on the communications aspect of telecommunications.
这句没有看懂，楼主不是学物理的吗？如果是指自学，不要用undergraduate studies。建议用"I extended my learning in communication technology and realized that a master's program would further fulfill this interest."

A master’s degree in telecommunications engineering as major field is the next logical step.
如果前一句用引号内的形式，这句可以略掉。

So after one year preparation, I decided to apply for the communication engineering in Xidian University.
It is the one of best university in this field in China and required eight majors’ courses during the post graduate test. Finally I entered to it with the highest score in my specialty.
这三句见仁见智吧。。我是觉得最好讲自己做了什么而不是项目如何严格，含金量高之类的。我会把这部分换成"I entered a communication engineering program at Xidian University, where I studied a mesh network. The network was ..." 后面尽量具体介绍一下这个mesh network。第二段提到了mesh protocol..但是还是没有具体内容。

I study the mesh network with my brother’s friend in State Key Laboratory of Integrated Services Networks.
如果前一句用引号内的形式，这句可以略掉。

As a new area, I understood its advantages and believed I will learn deeper knowledge.
这句也比较空洞。建议用"I became aware of the advantages of this new field and decided to continue exploring it."

wq295228153UID：3553809

uccu 发表于 2015-12-20 12:47
字数不多，要不要直接给机构修改看看? 这篇只要346元就可以改了。机构又一堆促销，会比这价钱更低。

您好，有推进的机构吗，网上主动联系我的机构都报价太高了，如果有的话求推荐，求加q：295228153

wq295228153UID：3553809

oddfellows 发表于 2015-12-20 12:54
只快速过了一下第一段（虽然看了全文），基本上是逐句改的，后面靠大家了。引号内的建议替换仅供参考，因为 ...

太感谢您了，真的一下学习到很多