Issue194第一篇，谢谢大家乐

ialalUID：168098

Issue 194 cooperation & competition

topic: The best preparation for life or a career is not learning to be competitive, but learning to be cooperative.
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竞争：动力，生存的要求
      压力，社会心理，人际关系

合作：找到位置，取长补短，形成更强大的力量(opec)
      依附心理

找到平衡，竞争的基础是各自的特点，合作也应该在此基础上开展
To cooperate or to compete is a perplex controversy we encountered in this rapid-changing era with closer relationship of various countries, distinct individuals and more drastic competitive circumstances simultaneously. For my part, a balance between cooperation and competition would be extremely in need to facilitate the evolution of our society.

Competition spurs develop. We might go no further to find that there are obvious or implicit contests between nearby countries and, in a larger scale, between governments worldwide for economic profits, region impact and public interest; during sport competitions, sportsmen strife severely for themselves and larger units behind them; even curial competitions emerge when we focus on industrial area where businessmen struggle for maximal profits with a steady will to overwhelm anyone else. To survive and thrive, therefore, and to fulfill their aims, they could do nothing but work harder to make a prominent improvement in themselves which brings them capability in a higher level competition. Hence, it is competition that be accompany with us and inspire our eager to improve with utmost effort.

Under some circumstances, fundamental lines are not ensured without the apt to compete with others. A substantial instance to bolster the assertion involves the theory of revolution championed by Darwin. Within a certain groups, individuals act under the principle namely “nature selects, and the adapted survive". Competition exists between the preys and the predatory, between the same species for living space and food. Were they for precedence in the competition, they would risk the living problems. Thus, it is clear that individuals maintain survival via competition.

However, unduly emphasize on the significance of competition might leads to various other problems. For instance, onerous pressure in a long period would depress a person; the relationship between colleagues and comrades might be tough results from overt contest; the psychological state of the nation may be misplaced to same extent. Wandering around the corner by chasing ceaselessly for obscure goals, we are bogged down in the swamp which is piled up by so-called losers, possibly be defeated by us, and struggle out of the abyss via vanquishing even more. Maybe, ironically but probably, the next ones are ourselves.

The whimsical scenario, therefore, calls for a different approach to conciliate these problems. It is cooperation. Through cooperation, we may find a more appropriate place in the society--maybe someone is not fit for a leading role but a subservient one--to achieve eminent process and benefit the society as a whole. Moreover, the integral might be even more powerful and effective by unite with each other. The Organization Of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) which is an international organization of eleven developing countries that have a heavily reliant on oil revenues as their main source of income is a compelling example to substantiate the statement. They concatenate for the aim to bring stability and harmony to the oil market by adjusting their output according to each other and the organization integrally to ensure a balance between supply and demand which are beneficial to themselves and the whole world in a long run. It is, under this circumstance only, cooperation addresses the profit controversy and extend the progress of groups of conflicting interests.

Admittedly, only rely on cooperation would generate independent style and constrain the innovation thinking as a result. Too large an organization might leads to inefficiency by refusing to do what one should for thinking of the dubious help of someone else and generates laziness, dull and gullibility. What we should ensure is to outline the sketch of cooperation and enact within assured range for avoiding excessive dependent.

In sum, a balance between competition and cooperation is crucial; after all, competition relies on the different character of separate individuals on which cooperation should also rest.

ialalUID：168098

up

009mars900UID：146710

总体来说，行文很流畅，
但感觉题目是说life or a career ，应该指的是个人吧，所以我觉得opec的例子不太合适；
你觉得呢？

如有空，请帮忙改我的作文
No.1 Argument88 高频题，互改请进
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/showthread.php?threadid=214784
Argument36 高频题，互改请进
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/showthread.php?threadid=214785
Issue36 高频题，我的第一篇，互改请进
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/showthread.php?threadid=214783

九月爱上乒乓球UID：151821

.[B]To cooperate or to compete[/B] 一个很严重的问题，请看题目：the best preparation for life应该是learning to which？ 而你转化成在社会中应该去怎样做？这两个问题的转化还有一个逻辑层次 就是：社会要求我们怎么做我们就应该怎样准备。而这个道理是需要论证的。 is a perplex controversy we encountered in this rapid-changing era [U]with closer relationship of various countries, distinct individuals and more drastic competitive circumstances simultaneously.[/U] 太累赘的形容词反而不讨好读者。 For my part, a balance between cooperation and competition would be extremely in need to facilitate the evolution of our society.

一看开头就有偏题的嫌疑。

Competition spurs develop.development We might go no further to find that there are obvious or implicit contests between nearby countries and, in a larger scale？governments是更广泛的范围么？, between governments worldwide for economic profits, region impact and public interest; during sport competitions, sportsmen strife [U]severely[/U] 可删 [U]for themselves and larger units behind them[/U] to win on the behalf of their country; even curial competitions emerge when we focus on industrial area where businessmen struggle for maximal profits with a steady will to overwhelm anyone else. To survive and thrive, [U]therefore, [/U] 删：插入语慎用 and to fulfill their aims, they could do nothing but work harder to make a prominent improvement in themselves which brings them capability in a higher level competition. Hence, it is competition that be accompany with us and inspire our eager to improve with utmost effort.

通过这一段，我觉得一个突出的问题是：形容词的使用和句式的选择，[B]尽量使用简介的表达[/B] 使语言更容易被接受。

举一个例子：比如你的最后一句话
Hence, it is competition that be accompany with us and inspire our eager to improve with utmost effort.
我觉得可以这样说：Hence, competition would endow us with eager to improve with all our strength.

Under some circumstances, fundamental lines are not ensured without the apt to compete with others不解. A substantial instance to bolster the assertion involves the theory of revolution championed by Darwin. Within a certain groups, individuals act under the principle namely “nature selects, and the adapted survive". Competition exists between the preys and the predatory, between the same species for living space and food. Were they for precedence in the competition, they would risk the living problems. Thus, it is clear that individuals maintain survival via competition.
没有看懂你的ts，如果是进一步论证竞争的重要性，那么一开始的ts应该要修改。 至少有human啊

However, unduly emphasize on the significance of competition might leads to various other problems. For instance,[B] onerous pressure in a long period would depress a person[/B] ; the relationship between [B]colleagues and comrades[/B]  might be tough results from overt contest; the psychological state of the nation may be misplaced to the same extent. Wandering around the corner by chasing ceaselessly for obscure goals, we are bogged down in the swamp which is piled up by so-called losers, possibly be defeated by us, and struggle out of the abyss via vanquishing even more. Maybe, ironically but probably, the next ones are ourselves.越说越散，质疑：都是竞争导致的么？不可信。

明白你的意思，只是语言比较晦涩，建议使用简单的词汇。粗体都是有问题的

The whimsical scenario, therefore, calls for a different approach to conciliate these problems. It is cooperation. Through cooperation, we may find a more appropriate place in the society--maybe someone is not fit for a leading role but a subservient one--to achieve eminent process and benefit the society as a whole. Moreover, the integral might be even more powerful and effective by unite with each other.似乎这一点更应该放在首位讲。 The Organization Of Petroleum Exporting Countries (OPEC) which is an international organization of eleven developing countries that have a heavily reliant on oil revenues as their main source of income is a compelling example to substantiate the statement. They concatenate for the aim to bring stability and harmony to the oil market by adjusting their output according to each other and the organization integrally to ensure a balance between supply and demand which are beneficial to themselves and the whole world in a long run. It is, under this circumstance only, cooperation addresses the profit controversy and extend the progress of groups of conflicting interests.


例子的笔墨太多而且描述含混不清。

Admittedly, only rely on cooperation would generate independent style and constrain the innovation thinking as a result. Too large an organization might leads to inefficiency by refusing to do what one should for thinking of the dubious help of someone else and generates laziness, dull and gullibility. What we should ensure is to outline the sketch of cooperation and enact within assured range for avoiding excessive dependent.

In sum, a balance between competition and cooperation is crucial; after all, competition relies on the different character of separate individuals on which cooperation should also rest.

三个比较严重的问题：第一，语言还要精简，推荐谷约的那本妙手著文章。
第二，就文论文：你在全文ts提到的balance最终我没有在body部分的论证看到，你的论证是说就是竞争和合作都很重要但是都有弊端，但是balance的可行性 重要性你都没有论证，所以这篇文章不算自圆其说。
第三，留心看一下文章，其实你通篇没有说到题目的问题：the preparation for life or society 就像我在首段说的，你的一个重要的逻辑环节漏掉了 所以有偏题的嫌疑 扣题是很重要的，这一点和高考作文一样。


楼主第一篇看得出是费了心血，我不爱说溢美之词，不到位的地方欢迎讨论，楼主加油。

ialalUID：168098

其实当时是想自己写写竞争与合作，先构思才找了个题目（原来是46题），确实和题目联系不紧，谢谢提醒

SunnyOpenUID：164650

最初由 ialal 发布
[B]Issue 194 cooperation & competition

topic: The best preparation for life or a career is not learning to be competitive, but learning to be cooperative.

Competition spurs develop.(development??) We might go no further to find that there are obvious or implicit contests between nearby countries and, in a larger scale, between governments worldwide for economic profits, region impact and public interest; during sport competitions, sportsmen strife severely for themselves and larger units behind them; even curial competitions emerge when we focus on industrial area where businessmen struggle for maximal profits with a steady will to overwhelm anyone else. To survive and thrive, therefore, and to fulfill their aims, they could do nothing but work harder to make a prominent improvement in themselves which brings them capability in a higher level competition. Hence, it is competition that be(be不要,accompany本身就是动词) accompany with us and inspire our eager(eager是adj把?) to improve with utmost effort.以下省略...... [/B]

因为要调生物钟,再加上这两天睡眠不足,所以先看第一段,感觉开头还不错,不过过于详细了,偶对这个issue还没想过,所以很多只能谈表面 不好意思,boty1的开头简洁得不得了,又很有用,崇拜ing,还有例子也感觉不错 哥们加油 :)

SunnyOpenUID：164650

不好意思 不会用改作文得工具,大家见笑了 :)

九月爱上乒乓球UID：151821

改完了

ialalUID：168098

谢谢了，第一次有这么中肯的修改，发现了自己的很多问题，bow
一定好好努力
btw: 仿佛在水木上见过九月:)

gtgtgtgtUID：166868

HEHE,,看了9月的分析，，获益非浅呀，，
很多时候，这种逻辑跳跃，一不小心就出现了

SunnyOpenUID：164650

刚洗完澡,清醒了一下 忍不住再上来看看,看完了全文,感觉语言确实有点难懂,开始还觉得第一段还好, 后来读起来吃力了,我用了不少次金山词霸,还是我单词量太少了 :) 其实我觉得不必可以追求语言长句什么得,有时不好把握,如body第二段ts,我觉得是一个病句,可以改为:
Under some circumstances, fundamental lines are not ensured without competetion with others(逻辑上我也没懂,和我不够清醒有关? :))
还有
involves the theory of revolution championed by Darwin
是不是改为 involves the revolvtionary theory championed by Dwrwin ??
总体上如九月说的,论证不怎么好,切以为例子太多反而不太好把握,可以适当多些说理,说理和例证同等重要, 建议 :语言其次,逻辑先行,朴素的语言见真知 :)
btw: 赞九月一个 :)

pirrorUID：173889

发现自己想要说得都被别人给说了 嘿嘿

ialalUID：168098

谢谢各位:)

reborn2004UID：168868

九月你说批改让我收益不收呀，有空帮我看看issue 82    https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=215326  还有你说的　
　‘推荐谷约的那本妙手著文章’在哪可以看到？

九月爱上乒乓球UID：151821

我在海淀图书城买到的，后来在新东方总部旁边的书店也有看到。