issue47 修改版

lakeqianUID: 157560

Society does not place [U]enough [/U]  emphasis on the intellect-that is, on reasoning and [U]other?[/U]  cognitive skills.
好像还是扣不住enough，改了不等于改好。呵呵。

It is obvious that society places enough emphasis on intellect—cognitive skills(including reasoning) because we have had enough cognitive skills and that people with intellect are respected by the society.

Cognitive skill involves the cognition towards abstract information, the holistic understanding of a complex matter and the perception of causal relationship between seemingly unlinked matters.

这段把所有想写的内容都搞上去了，考试时没时间写这么多：The curriculum of formal education demonstrates that society places enough emphasis on intellect. Formal education, a crucial constituent of society, offers us courses that help us to develop reasoning and cognitive skill. In the courses of natural science, teachers impart certain basic principles as tools to us and leave some applied problems for us to solve. For instance, we are only taught about the abstract floating theory. From the theory, we are encouraged to understand and deduce a certain submarine with given weight and volume can actually float or sink. In the process of training, we use our cognitive skill to understand the theory and reasoning skill to deduce that in a concrete circumstance how can the theory work. In such process of drilling, reasoning and cognitive skill are developed as society expects.   Additionally schools are offering students to partake of courses like arts and history, the content of which are somewhat intangible and can polish out intellect. Take music as an example, to understand an opus is difficult unless one comprehensively grasp the motive, background and emotion of the musician when s/he composes. In trying to appreciate music we gradually learn to enhance our cognitive skill towards by incorporating various factors into our understanding. This achievement fulfills the society expectation of emphasis our intellect.   The offering of history is helpful at put stress on intellect. When we dissect a historical event, we learn to analysis and reason the cause of such event and build a causal relationship. For example the prosperity of Middle East empires like Osman leads to the thriving of the West Europe countries lies in that the former forced merchants to find a new way to transport goods through the latter and leads to the merchant gathering in West Europe and boosting local economy. The understanding of history is a good exercise for our reasoning and cognitive skills in that we learn to understand by searching for its cause and establishing a causal relationship. In a word, society, via formal education, places enough emphasis on intellect though our learning process.

持果索因：Moreover, that reasoning is also emphasized enough by society is deduced from that reasoning ability has already built rational and impartial judgment. One who can reason aptly will doubt that we are created inherently different as asserted by some sources. Nazi alleged that Germany is genetically better than Jewish and other races. However, after consulting with the human evolution and the genetics, we can reason ourselves into that all races are different only due to different environmental factors affecting us, while no priority and disparity is founded. The establishment of unprejudiced judgment and the preclusion of allegation substantiate our adequate reasoning ability and the ability is an outcome of society’s enough emphasis on intellect.

Besides (on the third hand^_^), society also demonstrates enough emphasis being placed on intellect. People with outstanding intellect always work as scientists and engineers. And these jobs are generally highly praised by the media and respected by the masses. Scientists such as Galileo, Einstein and Bohr are seen as heroes by mass media and acknowledged by the public; engineers, whether be electronic or mechanic engineers are among the most decent jobs with handsome salary. Fame, high salary and public esteem reveal that intellect is an accentuated feature appreciated by the society. 怎么展开？？

lakeqianUID: 157560

up
等砖头。

lakeqianUID: 157560

up

hattyUID: 141246

我还找呢。。。

你说的是这个么？我先占座位了 :)

naiba369UID: 131655

My Revises：

1．        开头：肯定这个命题。
2．        B1： 界定cognitive skill 的具体范围。
3．        B2：从正规教育开设的具体课程，分析起作用，再间接证明论证主题―――place enough emphasis on intellect
4．        B3：我们是enough的，因为我们利用reasoning ability 已经建立了公正合理的判断。
5．        B4：从社会反应―――具有很高的智力的人物，具有很高的社会地位，经济地位。从而间接说明“社会对智力（注意是”智力“，而非”智力培养“）是重视的。
6．        小结：
前面是我将你的结构剖析了一下。我觉得你的立论，思路有很多不妥之处。
        首先Society does not place enough emphasis on the intellect，这道题目的关键是两个层次：1。有没有重视。2。是否足够。再解释1。的时候，我个人觉得要将intellect 这个词界定一下，还是terminology的问题。你的b1有界定的意思，但是，你却将重点放错地方了，应该解释――intellect，再捎带讲reasoning，cognitive skill。而你恰恰相反。
        其次，你的b2很有问题。对intellect重视与否，从“正规教育“这个角度是否能证明呢？我觉得，正规教育是一种教育体制，只能说明我们“重视”了，即题目中的第一层次。但是，它不能说明第二层次――是否enough. 试想，是不是开设足够多的课程，就是重视呢？不是的，如果一种教育制度只是“学科分类名词“各种空壳，而没有任何实质的话，这不叫”足够重视“。我觉得正确的切入点应该是：从人类活动整体的角度去看人类社会是否重视intellect。比如：1。现在，有多少国家用于教育的GDP超过整体的10％。2。人类社会是重视权力的争夺呢？还是重视智力，教育的培养？这里进给你提供个思路，应该从整体的角度去分析，而非向你一样，以上来就来个再具体不过的education form，显得不够”高屋建瓴“。这样看，我更觉得赞同观点更好论述些。
        还要，你的b2 太长，层次很乱，改卷的老师根本没耐心陪你做“脑力捉迷藏“的游戏。还是要清晰。老美的思维――――直接，开门见山：论点―――理论论证―――具体例子―――分析例子兼回扣理论论证―――回扣论点。不要再尝试什么新奇的写法，你的时间不多，写法要固定，熟练，在熟练。不要玩花了。
        后面的b3，4，没怎么看，总体感觉无论从立论还是论述都很牵强。
        我觉得比较好的提纲。
1.        开头：yes. 社会没有给予足够的重视
2.        B1: 破题，具体就是界定intellect的范围，不用很长。
3.        B2: 分论点1：从世界整体的角度，没有文化，缺乏教育的人还很多。
4.        B3：分论点2：但是，世界各国对于教育智力的投入甚微，社会更多的是关注其他的问题。
5.        B3：分论点3：究其原因，一是，社会本身没有将智力“培养“放到足够关键的位置。二是，社会还没有足够的能力解决，因为很多社会还在为生存发愁，他们不可能对智力培养投入太多的精力。Eg: 全世界的发展中国家占世界总版图的60％，人口超过70％，举非洲的例子最好，再用中国近100年的历史做comparision 式的论证。
6.        小结：我们重视的不够，如果要更好解决的话，我们还要采取如下措施：1。2。3。

Naiba369愚见送上

lakeqianUID: 157560

哎。看来这篇文章的问题还是太多了。。。
无奈。。。

to falchion&glaive
题目中不是已经给过界定了吗？
给了，但你可以不同意，然后自己定义。

hattyUID: 141246

Society does not place enough emphasis on the intellect-that is, on reasoning and other? cognitive skills.
好像还是扣不住enough，改了不等于改好。呵呵。

It is obvious that society places enough emphasis on intellect—cognitive skills(including reasoning) because we have had enough cognitive skills and that people with intellect[查了一下，用法好象的确是对的，（我不确定是用with还是别的介词），但是这个说法，有点别扭] are respected by the society.[开头不错，简短而清晰]

Cognitive skill involves the cognition towards abstract information, the holistic understanding of a complex matter and the perception of causal relationship between seemingly unlinked matters.[这个是不是查了字典？写的很漂亮，用词很准确啊，考试那么短的时间里，能这么好的下定义就帅了
但是有一个比较麻烦的问题，题目中说intellect，后面解释的时候说cognitive skills，所以定义的时候是不是应该定义前者啊，当然，你定义的不错，所以省事的办法——换一下定义的主语就可以了]

这段把所有想写的内容都搞上去了，考试时没时间写这么多：The curriculum of formal education demonstrates that society places enough emphasis on intellect. Formal education, a crucial constituent of society, offers us courses that help us to develop reasoning and cognitive skill. In the courses of natural science, teachers impart certain basic principles as tools[这个词，换一个吧，“工具”？] to us and leave some applied [是想表达实用的这个意思么？如果是的话，不如practical好]problems for us to solve. For instance, we are only taught about the abstract floating theory. From the theory, we are encouraged to understand and deduce[加一个whether更好] a certain submarine with given weight and volume can actually float or sink. In the process of training,[train好象接的宾语是具体的技能，更恰当一些。当然理解为train一种具体的思维模式什么的还是可以的] we use our cognitive skill to understand the theory and reasoning skill to deduce that in a concrete circumstance how can the theory work[这个can和work是不是应该颠倒一下顺序呢？改文章多了，有点晕~~]. In such process of drilling, reasoning and cognitive skill are developed as society expects. Additionally schools are offering [offer后面可以加宾补？如果partake是名词，那么直接加就好，不用to]students to partake of courses like arts and history, the content of which are[主谓一致] somewhat intangible and can polish out intellect. Take music as an example, to understand an opus is difficult unless one comprehensively grasp the motive, background and emotion of the musician when s/he[这是什么？] composes. In trying to appreciate music we gradually learn to enhance our cognitive skill towards by incorporating various factors into our understanding. This achievement fulfills the society expectation of emphasis our intellect. The offering of history is helpful at put [putting]stress on intellect. When we dissect a historical event, we learn to analysis and reason the cause of such event and build a causal relationship. For example the prosperity of Middle East empires like Osman leads to the thriving of the West Europe countries lies[这个句子有问题啊，结构上] in that the former forced merchants to find a new way to transport goods through the latter and leads to the merchant gathering in West Europe and boosting local economy. [后面也不流畅]The understanding of history is a good exercise for our reasoning and cognitive skills in that we learn to understand by searching for[for是干什么用的？search不是及物动词么？] its cause and establishing a causal relationship. In a word, society, via formal education, places enough emphasis on intellect though our learning process.[这个句子不错，总结了]

持果索因：Moreover, that reasoning is also[为什么这里用这个词？如果你想说另一个原因，不用这样的表述方式] emphasized enough by society is deduced from that reasoning ability has already built rational and impartial judgment. One who can reason aptly will doubt that we are created inherently different[应该用副词] as asserted by some sources. Nazi alleged that Germany is genetically better than Jewish and other races. However, after consulting with the human evolution and the genetics, we can reason ourselves into that all races are different only due to different environmental factors affecting us, while no priority and disparity is founded. The establishment of unprejudiced judgment and the preclusion of allegation substantiate our adequate reasoning ability and the ability is an outcome of society’s enough emphasis on intellect.[上段说现有的教育证明论题，这段说我们已有的关于一些事情的分析和看法证明我们有能力，而这种能力是emphasize的结果。（再加一个过渡就更好了）是这样么？我觉得这样构思不错，比较具体，而且，如果考虑——国家开设这些课程，而且如同你例子里说的那样引导思考，所以说明足够重视，我觉得是有说服力的，但是你要把这些写清楚。总体上，我觉得写成这样很不错了，就是这段太大了]

Besides (on the third hand^_^), society also demonstrates enough emphasis being placed on intellect.[主题句不好，没有说明什么问题] People with outstanding intellect always work as scientists and engineers. And these jobs are generally highly praised by the media and respected by the masses. Scientists such as Galileo, Einstein and Bohr are seen as heroes by mass media and acknowledged by the public; engineers, whether be electronic or mechanic engineers are among the most decent jobs with handsome salary. Fame, high salary and public esteem reveal that intellect is an accentuated feature appreciated by the society. 怎么展开？？[总结句写的好]
[先整体看了一下，好大的一个body段啊，分配平衡不？可以分开试试

关于enough的把握，个人认为是个很难的问题，什么程度算多，而又什么程度算》合适的量，就是enough？是不是应该先定个量，说：做到这个份上就可以了，然后说社会给够了给足了重视。但是实际操作起来，这种定量又太难了。。。不过我认为可以朝这个方向上试一下

又整体看了你那个巨大的body段，似乎是3方面，扣着概念来的，感觉写的很不错。。。但是中间的一部分有点凌乱了，不是很清楚

没有结尾？还是结尾在上一个版本的作文中去找呢？我估计是没有吧，这样是完全可以的，写作没有必要按一定的僵化的套路，这样反而清新些 ：）

批的很久，这几天没有办法干事情，仍然没有心情和精力写自己的文章，几天的所有学习量，基本就使劲改你的文章了。批的有点狠了，不过说实话，文章写的很好了，看的出来下了不少功夫。赞一个~~]

六翼小宇UID: 162533

所谓enough就是如果社会emphasis on the intellect满足了社会的需要，就是enough，否则就是没有。
定义社会为什么emphasis on the intellect的时候就可以给出enough的与否。
基本同意naiba的。。:)

lakeqianUID: 157560

这个是不是查了字典？写的很漂亮，用词很准确啊，考试那么短的时间里，能这么好的下定义就帅了
但是有一个比较麻烦的问题，题目中说intellect，后面解释的时候说cognitive skills，所以定义的时候是不是应该定义前者啊，当然，你定义的不错，所以省事的办法——换一下定义的主语就可以了]
自己写的。。。定义本天成，写法偶得啦。呵呵。

主语错是笔误。。。。。。。当时写错后来一直没盖。。。sorry。。。。。。

反而清新些。。。
汗。。。结尾。。。missing。。。说实话镇的不想写结为。。。懒。。。

呵呵，表达嘛。。。总是说不清。。。姐姐时间宝贵，主要拍论证就行啦 :D
3X

21cnvUID: 174380

最后b3可以从science(praise the scientific giant)/busniess(employer stress the job-seekers' intelletual skills)/education(classes related to intelleture)

楼主加油！

naiba369UID: 131655

有九月前辈的~~赞，爽呀！！！！

不过，QIAN哥的那段真的太长了，看着太累，也许是我的水平太次吧，

XIXI，见到小宇啦，高兴，最近怎么样呀？

QIAN哥，不要怪我在你楼里水呀，

上课去了，昨晚4：40才睡呀

lakeqianUID: 157560

那段真的太长了
我写了：这段把所有想写的内容都搞上去了，考试时没时间写这么多。。。。。。。
QIAN哥，不要怪我在你楼里水呀，
我不怪你，但是斑竹怪不怪你。。。。西西
我3点睡。。。

naiba369UID: 131655

还是你强了,我下午7:00才起床,

呵呵