Issue59 Study 第1篇习作 请不吝赐教

xiaoheUID: 162707

用限时工具写了一遍，内容乱糟糟的，字数也严重不足。费了九牛二虎之力才改成这样，觉得总算能拿来见人了。又看了看以前的范文，构思的角度差别很大，怀疑自己审题是不是都会有问题。没偏题吧？另外我好象写得太短了，可是还需如何展开呢？我感觉思维都已经枯竭了。请大家使劲批吧！

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作者：xiaohe     共用时间：严重超时     416 words
从2004年10月4日21时
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Too much emphasis is placed on role models. Instead of copying others, people should learn to think and act independently and thus make the choices that are best for them.
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    The long history of human development never ceases to provide role models, whom the common people never stop to admire and learn from. However, they will never and can never be copied. Everybody is destined to live their own way at their own choices.

    Role models, either from real life or from literary or art creation, are usually those with comparatively higher achievements, or greater contributions, or simply more brilliant personalities. Helen Keller remained unsubdued by her born disability with extraordinary courage; Einstein discovered one of the greatest theories for the whole world with his persistent spirit in scientific exploration; Romeo and Juliet pursued their eternal love with unconquered strength... They reflect the most beautiful qualities of human beings which inspire common people to think and act in pursuing the life they dream of.

    Without role models, people won't know how powerful courage can be, how much perseverance may achieve, how obstacles can be conquered, how the essence of life should be adhered to. The life won't be as meaningful and colorful as it is. The society won’t be as developed as it is. In the battlefield, if there aren’t the bravest soldiers considered as role models, the whole troop won’t be able to fight bravely as one and eventually win the battle. In our workplaces, if there aren’t the most diligent and excellent staff regarded as role modes, the whole enterprise won’t collect enough enthusiasm and power to flourish. In family life, if there aren’t the experienced older generations as our models, we have no way to learn to tolerate, contribute or appreciate, accordingly no way to learn to love and be loved.

    To learn from role models doesn't mean to copy them. Due to the difference of time, location, living conditions, experiences, there are never two individuals who can possibly live exactly the same way. Nevertheless, when we have dreams, our role models tell us how to set our goals; when we work for our goals, they teach us how to push on; when we face obstacles and frustrations, they lend us the courage and strength to fight forward; when we taste the sweet happiness brought by our achievement, they remind us of farther targets, higher stages, and a even better life.

    All in all, there is never too much emphasis on role models. They are the bright lights of lighthouse in the vast ocean of human world, and they help us to choose the best ways to live the best of our life.

fhxyweiUID: 157384

Too much emphasis is placed on role models. Instead of copying others, people should learn to think and act independently and thus make the choices that are best for them.
------正文------
The long history of human development never ceases to provide role models, whom the common people never stop to admire and learn from. However, they will never and can never be copied. (这句话有点问题，they will never的谓语呢) Everybody is destined to live their own way at their own choices.(你的position是基本上赞成作者观点，榜样人物可以学习但不能过多地强调以致于去copy,每个人都有自己独立的选择)

Role models, either from real life or from literary or art creation, are usually those with comparatively higher achievements, or greater contributions, or simply more brilliant personalities. Helen Keller remained unsubdued by her born disability with extraordinary courage; Einstein discovered one of the greatest theories for the whole world with his persistent spirit in scientific exploration; Romeo and Juliet pursued their eternal love with unconquered strength... They reflect the most beautiful qualities of human beings which inspire common people to think and act in pursuing the life they dream of.（这一段究竟讲什么呢，解释什么是role models和介绍他们的事迹， 还是这些榜样人物怎样inspire common people？没有展开，没有回应题目。）

Without role models, people won't know how powerful courage can be, how much perseverance may achieve, how obstacles can be conquered, how the essence of life should be adhered to. The life won't be as meaningful and colorful as it is. The society won’t be as developed as it is. In the battlefield, if there aren’t the bravest soldiers considered as role models, the whole troop won’t be able to fight bravely as one and eventually win the battle. In our workplaces, if there aren’t the most diligent and excellent staff（复数） regarded as role modes, the whole enterprise won’t collect enough enthusiasm and power to flourish. In family life, if there aren’t the experienced older generations as our models, we have no way to learn to tolerate, contribute or appreciate, accordingly no way to learn to love and be loved.（上面讲太多的role models的重要性其实和回应题目扯不上多大干系）
下面是讲的另一个意思了，建议最好分段
To learn from role models doesn't mean to copy them. Due to the difference of time（时代的不同好像不能这么表达）, location, living conditions, experiences, there are never two individuals who can possibly live exactly the same way. Nevertheless, when we have dreams, our role models tell us how to set our goals; when we work for our goals, they teach us how to push on; when we face obstacles and frustrations, they lend us the courage and strength to fight forward; when we taste the sweet happiness brought by our achievement, they remind us of farther targets, higher stages, and a even better life.（总结了一下你的段意，大概讲的就是”缺少role models的后果，但是也不可能完全copy role models”，后来又讲到role model给我们作用, 中间一部分总算和题目沾边了，阐述了一点为什么不能copy role models）

All in all, there is never too much emphasis on role models. They are the bright lights of lighthouse in the vast ocean of human world, and they help us to choose the best ways to live the best of our life.（结论又是强调榜样人物的重要性，和自己的开头有点自相矛盾，逻辑混乱了）
总结一下：
1，        文章语言还是不错，但思想性不够，论证不充分，没有很好的回应题目（gre 作文永远是思想第一，语言第二）。你要分析的是为什么不能过多地强调榜样人物，为什么不能copy他们以及为什么should think and act independently，（可以让步一下说明适当的学习他们当然没有错），给出你的理由，不是罗列一些现象，感觉你在那儿说了一些抒情的大话空话。
2，        每段都没有一个很好的TS, 第三段让人感觉有多中心。
3，        在这里发文的时候建议，先编辑好，段与段之间空一行。
个人意见，仅供参考哦！！：）加油

xiaoheUID: 162707

唉，写的时候还真是没找到感觉。而且把自己的思路也僵住了。你的意见很在理，我会再仔细研究一下，重写一遍。
一定要继续关心我哟。

xiaoheUID: 162707

我重拟了一份提纲。请再帮我看看这样是不是能把论题说清，还有什么问题。拍砖别留情啊。

Position:榜样的力量不可埋没。榜样是让人们学习的而不是模仿的。学习榜样并不会让人们丧失思考和行动的自主性。

1．榜样的作用是树立某个领域内的优秀标准，让人们知道为何努力，如何努力。榜样的作用是巨大的，不能没有榜样。
2．榜样层出不穷，但永远不会过量，对榜样的强调也不会过度。
1）榜样的模范作用和影响力并不完全相同。大多数有区域性，时代性甚至专业性。
2）人们选择榜样是多方面多层次的。虽然可能有人一生只有一个榜样，但人们通常在不同的方面有不同的榜样。
3）事实上，从某种意义上说，人们有时还可能互相成为榜样。这也是因为人们早已意识到人身上任何优秀的特质都是值得尊敬和学习的。
3．正确的学习榜样是在增强人们自主思考和行动的能力，帮助人们发现自我，超越自我；只有盲目的模仿才使人丧失思考和行动的自主性。

Conclusion: 强调榜样再多也不为过，但同时也应引导人们用正确的态度和方法学习榜样。这样我们才能从榜样身上找到活出真我的力量源泉。

fhxyweiUID: 157384

1，这个提纲逻辑清楚多了，position也很清楚：中和立场！
2，前两个论点都是反对“Too much emphasis is placed on role models”
但第三个论点好像讲了两个意思，前半部分是反对，后面t提到赞成作者说的“instead of copying others”，建议把第三个修改一下，用一个完全的让步说明一下“榜样是让人们学习的而不是模仿的”和你的中和论点遥相呼应！