issue196 我的第一篇issue请大家拍砖 谢谢！

brooding123UID：187550

------题目------
Technology creates more problems than it solves, and may threaten or damage the quality of life.
------正文------
At the very beginning of the history of human being, our anscents learned to make tools out of the raw materials which was bestowed by nature. It was a great achivement ,for from then on, human being have gradually put nature under their control and made great use of the natural resources.That was the advent of technology. Nowadays , no one would deny that technology has greatly  changed our life . We can fly to one place to another, we can talk to somebody thousands of  miles away,and we can even land on the moon. Techonology realizes lots of dreams of human being. Every body in modern society benifit the convenience braught about by techonology.

However, has techonology solve all the problems in our life？ Or has it even created more problems?We can go anywhere in our private cars, but wherever we go, there is  a blockade on the road. we depend on automobils to save time,but in fact every day we spend on hours waiting on roads. It is really a irony that the tools created by human being even cause more problems .

In the last few centuries,human beings have explore the resources of the earth at an amzing speed. The fact is that while we are enjoying the comforts by the utility of these resources, we are faced with an urgent crisis of resources. As the amount the the natural resources is decreasing drasticlly, no one could imagine how we could go on our everyday life once they were exausted.

Meanwhile, the environment we are living in has been great deterioted. we drive car to work every moring, but the air we breathe is never fresh any longer. We drink purified water, but the rivers around the cities are smelly and disgusting. we can fly into the outspace,but the out space now is scattered with the rubbish we have devasted.Could we expect a better life in future with rubbish all around us.

Not only are the conditions of life  under danger, but also the spirits of ourselves are being threatened. people expect technology to bring a easier life ,but technology has become a terrible monster that dominates human being. No freedom from endless work ,and no relaxation from boring day work. It seems that all the easiness brought by technology is due to attributed to produce more products. It is the products that is  placed in the first place ,not human being himself. Man is only a tool.

NOw it is the very the time to reflect what on earth technology has brought to us. maybe it is not the fault of technology.It is the fault of the man who abuse it.

apolloxpUID：156355

互相看看？
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=234032

chensl92UID：187345

文法与结构:
1.单词有拼错
2.逗号之后要空一格;句号之后要记得大写(有多处是小写)
3.附上我修改后格式比较正确的版本(有些可能只是我觉得这样比较好,欢迎讨论)

内容:
1.首段以情境的方式破题,说明古代与现代差别,并说科技使人受益
2.转折论点:         p2科技可能也会带来问题
  发展例子:  p3能源危机
                   p4环境污染
              p5 使人更忙碌
3.结论: 科技本身不是问题,而是人心

评价:
1.段落鲜明,一段只谈一主题且主题明确,这是不错的地方
2.整个句子长短适度…,我个人的感觉是要长短句交错….
偶尔有点长句,偶尔有点短句是较好的模式
3.本篇似乎着重于例子, 较少论述发展的部分(这也是比较难写的部分,我自己也不知道怎么写,也许举例支持已是很好的方法)….
但如果有把论述的部分发挥, 应该会很高分
4.本篇最终的论点是科技其实是带来很多问题的….但是似乎太过强调科技负面的效果了~而只把科技的正面效果在第一段陈述~!
我的建议是:我会用A and B的双面立场
先说大体而言,科技还是利多于弊的, 举有科技后生活大大改善的例子…最后与没有前对比
再说如果滥用科技,会导致怎样的下场….(这部分原作的例子很详尽)
5.原作结论段的论点很好…但保守一点的写法是…把”科技问题其实是人心”提到上一段, 然后加以论述….最后一段尽量不要再另起炉灶,又有新的观点

Note: 以上都是我个人主观的意见….有不同的意见欢迎讨论 ^_^


Technology creates more problems than it solves, and may threaten or damage the quality of life.
------正文------
At the very beginning of the history of human being, our ancestors learned to make tools out of the raw materials which was bestowed by nature. It was a great achievement, for from then on, human being have gradually put nature under their control and made great use of the natural resources. That was the advent of technology. Nowadays, no one would deny that technology has greatly changed our life. We can fly from one place to another, we can talk to somebody thousands of miles away, and we can even land on the moon. Technology realizes lots of dreams of human being. Everybody in modern society benefits by the convenience brought about by technology.

However, has technology solve all the problems in our life？ Or has it even created more problems? We can go anywhere in our private cars, but wherever we go, there is a blockade on the road. We depend on automobiles to save time, but in fact every day we spend on hours waiting on roads. It is really a irony that the tools created by human being even cause more problems.

In the last few centuries, human beings have explored the resources of the earth at an amazing speed. The fact is that while we are enjoying the comforts by the utility of these resources, we are faced with an urgent crisis of resources. As the amount of the natural resources is decreasing drastically, no one could imagine how we could go on our everyday life once they were exhausted.

Meanwhile, the environment we are living in has been great deteriorated. We drive car to work every morning, but the air we breathe is never fresh any longer. We drink purified water, but the rivers around the cities are smelly and disgusting. We can fly into the outer space, but the outer space now is scattered with the rubbish we have devested. Could we expect a better life in future with rubbish all around us?

Not only are the conditions of life under danger, but also the spirits of ourselves are being threatened. People expect technology to bring a easier life, but technology has become a terrible monster that dominates human being. No freedom from endless work, and no relaxation from boring daywork. It seems that all the easiness brought by technology is due to producing more products. It is the products that is placed in the first place, not human being himself. Man is only a tool.

Now it is the very the time to reflect what on earth technology has brought to us. Maybe it is not the fault of technology. It is the fault of the man who abuses it.

brooding123UID：187550

:)
非常感谢你给我提的详细意见 这是我的第一篇issue  是卡着时间做的 所以可能很多地方考虑的不是很成熟 我觉得你给我提的几点意见都非常好 我想论点上我倾向于坚持自己的观点 你提到的距离方法和论述方法 我也有同感 我想还应该再揣摩一下范文
再一次感谢你

不怕开水烫的猪UID：187893

个人认为，正面论点的最长的一段要比让步段长一些，视觉上才舒服一些，呵呵

还可以写technology sometimes puts human beings into danger
such as nuclear weapons, three miles island accident, the Challenger disaster, Chernobyl nuclear power station, clone technique, blablabla