Issue104,欢迎指教

花之颜色UID: 187195

[I]"It is primarily through formal education that a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears."[/I]

Formal education is a conscious effort by human society to impart the skills and modes of thought considered essential for social functioning, often reflecting the attitudes of society. Authoritarian groups typically sponsor dogmatic methods like the monastic schools and universities in medieval Western Europe having been chief centers to inculcate the ideas of the church, while democratic systems may emphasize freedom of thought. In our modern society, people have more freedom to choose what they consider right to accept rather than accept all ideas offered to them through formal education. In this way, formal education could not be regarded as the only way of initiating thoughts.

Generally speaking, education begins the minute a baby is born and continues throughout life.  Some still believe that education begins even before birth, as evidenced by some parents' playing music or reading to the baby in the womb in the hope it will influence the child's development. Whether such a way is effective of not, it showed the importance of family education, especially for children. Family members have a profound educational effect, though family teaching maybe highly informal. As the British Educator Hosea Ballou says, education commences at the mother's knee, and every word spoken within the hearsay of children tends towards the formation of character. A case in point is that in the migrant’s family, though the children accept formal education in schools and learn much about the new culture, they still preserve their own customs and traditions imparted by their parents. Since parents influence their children much earlier and longer, and their words seems easier to be accepted, the ideas parents transmitted may be placed more emphasis than school teachers by children.

If a society was able to control people's thoughts merely through formal education, then cultures all over the world could not have influence on each other and blend mutually in respect that no formal education in one culture could tell people all the knowledge on other cultures, whether they are willing to or not. By means of books and media, like newspaper, television, Internet, etc, we Chinese know the democracy and freedom advocated by western people, while westerners hear of Chinese Confucianism and the art of war by Sunzi. No matter how a culture wants to preserve its purity and independence, the communication between cultures could not be prohibited, especially in modern society, where high-speed electronic media contribute a lot to transmission of information and communication of thoughts.

Furthermore, too much attention paid to formal education, regarded as a paramount method to affect people’s opinion, at cost of ignoring other influential factors, only lead to opposite result As the teen-agers taking formal education are in rebelling against one, the notion against what the school requires and the teacher says seems more attractive to them. Accordingly, environment around them and novelties of daily life are far more instructive than formal schooling and may impact people all their lives. As this is the case, informal education results from the constant effect of environment, the strength of which in shaping values and habits cannot be underestimated.

Admittedly, a culture could perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears partly through formal education, because people spend a large quantity of time on school education and indeed accept some ideas offered by formal education unconsciously. However, formal education is merely one of the ways to form people's value and thoughts, which cannot replace other effective factors in many aspects. Family, environment and more creative higher education, which encourage students to form their own thoughts, have more significant influence on people's thought.

花之颜色UID: 187195

为啥没人给俺改呢?俺都改两篇了:(

dezhiUID: 156141

先改了前两段

"It is primarily through formal education that a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears."

Formal education is a conscious effort by human society to impart the skills and modes of thought considered essential for social functioning, often reflecting the attitudes of society. Authoritarian groups typically sponsor dogmatic methods like the monastic schools and universities in medieval Western Europe having been chief centers to inculcate the ideas of the church, while democratic systems may emphasize [^on] freedom of thought.[前面这句话说的绕来绕去，到底想表达什么呢？再斟酌] In our modern society, people have more freedom to choose what they consider right to accept rather than accept all ideas offered to them through formal education. In this way, formal education could not be regarded as the only way of initiating thoughts[这里的initiating thoughts和perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears并不是一个概念].

Generally speaking, education begins the minute a baby is born and continues throughout life[这个主题句能够根据概括全段吗？请在这里明确表明态度或观点]. Some still believe that education begins even before birth [still…even…感觉别扭], as evidenced by some parents' playing music or reading to the baby in the womb in the hope [^that] it will influence the child's development. Whether such a way is effective of not, it showed[为何用过去式？另外把胎教作为家庭教育重要性的例证，似乎过于牵强] the importance of family education, especially for children. Family members have a profound educational effect, though family teaching maybe [->may be] highly informal. As the British Educator Hosea Ballou says, education commences at the mother's knee, and every word spoken within the hearsay of children tends towards the formation of character. A case in point is that in the migrant’s family, though the children accept formal education in schools and learn much about the new culture, they still preserve their own customs and traditions imparted by their parents. Since parents influence their children much earlier and longer, and their words seems easier to be accepted, the ideas parents transmitted may be placed more emphasis [on] than school teachers by children.[注意，你这段是围绕a culture tries to perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears展开的吗？当然你可以说formal education不是唯一途径，但脱离了perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears，我认为就有跑题嫌疑了]

dezhiUID: 156141

先赞一个，谢谢你帮其他G友改作文，只有互相帮助才能共同提高：）

dezhiUID: 156141

If a society was able to control people's thoughts merely through formal education, then cultures all over the world could not have influence on each other and blend mutually in respect that no formal education in one culture could tell people all the knowledge on other cultures, whether they are willing to or not.[这个段首句太长，另外这种说理也欠妥。比如我们国家的教育，也不是光教中国的东西，也有外国的，比如都德的《最后一课》。] By means of books and media, like newspaper, television, Internet, etc, we Chinese know the democracy and freedom advocated by western people, while westerners hear of Chinese Confucianism and the art of war by Sunzi. No matter how a culture wants to preserve its purity and independence, the communication between cultures could not be prohibited, especially in modern society, where high-speed electronic media contribute a lot to transmission of information and communication of thoughts.[这一段为啥又去论述国家之间的communication去了？请围绕Topic展开论述]

Furthermore, too much attention paid to formal education, regarded as a paramount method to affect people’s opinion, at cost of ignoring other influential factors,[前面分的太零碎了] only lead to opposite result As the teen-agers taking formal education are in rebelling against one, the notion against what the school requires and the teacher says seems more attractive to them.[这种复杂的”长句”我可读不懂] Accordingly, environment around them and novelties of daily life are far more instructive than formal schooling and may impact people all their lives. As this is the case, informal education results from the constant effect of environment, the strength of which in shaping values and habits cannot be underestimated.[这一段扣住了主题，可表述不清晰，也没有具体展开而浮于表面]

Admittedly, a culture could perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears partly through formal education, because people spend a large quantity of time on school education and indeed accept some ideas offered by formal education unconsciously. However, formal education is merely one of the ways to form people's value and thoughts, which cannot replace other effective factors in many aspects. Family, environment and more creative higher education, which encourage students to form their own thoughts, have more significant influence on people's thought.[最后这个结尾不错，不过可以尝试精简一下]

花之颜色UID: 187195

呜呜,被砸晕了~先感谢dezhi的认真修改,看来俺这篇还的确有不少问题哩(自己愣是没看出来,改了半天还觉得挺美的,才敢发出来,汗~),先说一下偶的思路是这样的:先写家庭对思想形成有重要影响,然后从反面论述正规教育不是唯一途径,最后说一下正规教育过分灌输某种思想,可能会招致反效果.偶理解题目是这样的,文化灌输某种思想给人们所以才能达到perpetuate the ideas it favors and discredit the ideas it fears的目的.不知道这样想对不对啊?这可是俺这篇的指导思想,要是不对的话,那肯定跑题跑没影了.是不是应该再把俺这点思路也写到文章里,这样就自圆其说了?

花之颜色UID: 187195

根据你的意见,偶修改了一下,主要是2-4段的论证,开头结尾没动,明天再说,困了~
拍吧拍吧再拍吧~
[U]First of all, family influence on formation of people’s ideas could not be neglected.[/U]  Family members have a profound educational effect, though family teaching may be highly informal. As the British Educator Hosea Ballou says, education commences at the mother's knee, and every word spoken within the hearsay of children tends towards the formation of character. A case in point is that in the migrant’s family, though the children accept formal education in schools and learn much about the new culture, they still preserve their own customs and traditions imparted by their parents. Since parents influence their children much earlier and longer, and their words seems easier to be accepted, the ideas parents transmitted may be placed more emphasis than school teachers by children.

If a society was able to control people's thoughts merely through formal education, then those ideas deprecated by this society could not be well known by its citizens. [U]However[/U] , it is not the case. By means of books and media, like newspaper, television, Internet, etc, we Chinese know the democracy, freedom and human rights advocated by western people, while westerners hear of Chinese Confucianism and communism. No matter how a culture wants to preserve its purity and independence, the communication between cultures could not be prohibited, especially in modern society, where high-speed electronic media contribute a lot to transmission of thoughts.

Furthermore, too much attention paid to formal education, at cost of ignoring other influential factors, only lead to opposite result. As the teen-agers taking formal education are in rebelling against one, the notion against what the school requires and what the teacher says seems more attractive to them, because this unconformity makes them feel unique and cool. Such blind rejection to ideas formal education offers, especially those beneficial and correct values and opinions, sometimes misleads the adolescent to commit large mistakes, even crimes, and may impact people all their lives.  [U]Another defect of formal education is that its instructive function is often limited by dull and boring sermon, which fails to attract the young, not to mention convinces them. [/U]  On the contrary, since teen-agers are always sensitive to environment around them and curious about novelties of daily life, these factors can exert a subtle influence rather than formal schooling. As this is the case, informal education results from the constant effect of environment, the strength of which in shaping values and habits cannot be underestimated.

xiaoheUID: 162707

本来打算帮给评一下的。没想到看完文章再回头，版主已经亲自出马了。我就偷下懒，不重复劳动了。HEHE :p

不过既然看了，也不能白看，还是要提点意见吧。
dezhi提的问题很深刻，比我发现的问题多，相同的我就不说了。说点不同的：

1 B1论述家庭教育对思想观念形成的重要性，我觉得没跑题，只是你在表述上有点跳跃。如果指出“非正式教育，例如家庭教育，对思想观念的形成的影响一点也不亚于正式教育”之类的话，是不是会好些？

2 B2我总觉得不能说明问题。好象你假定了正式教育要维护一种文化的纯正性，但事实好象不是这样。对于其他文化中我们认同的部分会加以宣扬，而不认同的部分则加以批判，因此人们也会了解不同的文化呀。

另外，在谈到中国时，我觉得不要说“我们中国人”，站在中立的立场上说似乎更显客观一些，与学术性文章的特性更吻合一些。而且评分者是老美，我们这样说会使他们产生距离感。

3 B3从反面说“过于强调正式教育面忽视其他影响因素有时反而可能产生反面效果”，你认为主要是逆反心理造成的。但是不是在家庭教育中也有逆反心理存在呢？它并不是正式教育所特有的或固有的吧？因此，这里的着眼点似乎应该是正式教育多仅限与书本和说教，缺乏说服力，而其他形式或言传身教，或潜移默化，反而更有用。


4 语言和句式都很精致，虽然也有点小问题，但不足为患。就提两处我感觉问题明显一点的吧：

1）B2中的nevertheless，我觉得改为however 或 but更好。虽然它们都译作“然而，但是”，但意思是不一样的。nevertheless有让步的含义，即“尽管。。。但是”，而后两个只表示转折，“虽然。。。但是”。

2）Furthermore, too much attention paid to formal education, at cost of ignoring other influential factors, only lead+s to opposite result. As the teen-agers taking formal education are in rebelling against one （不通，是否将one 改为others,但似乎仍不妥）, the notion against what the school requires and what the teacher says seems more attractive to them, because this ^behavior of unconformity makes them feel unique and cool.

就提这么一些，你批判着接受。欢迎继续交流。

花之颜色UID: 187195

好好,拍的好,辛苦辛苦!B1根据两位的意见删掉了胎教那部分没啥说服力的东东,加了中心句以起到深化主题的作用.B2我觉得主要是例子举的不太好,我想说明一种文化不可能只通过formal education就能排除不赞成的思想.但是没想到合适的例子,汗~所以可能有点缺乏说服力,唉~谁能帮偶想个合适的例子说明一下就好了.至于B3加了xiaohe提的那点,至于为什么没说家庭教育中也有逆反心理存在,主要因为B1最后说了,家长的话对于孩子来说更易于接受,所以觉得后面就不用再提了,难道再说一下会比较好?待偶再考虑下~再次多谢版主和xiaohe的大力支持!让偶发现N多缺陷,倍受打击之余更坚定了苦练作文打倒变态ETS的决心~

dezhiUID: 156141

“另外，在谈到中国时，我觉得不要说“我们中国人”，站在中立的立场上说似乎更显客观一些，与学术性文章的特性更吻合一些。而且评分者是老美，我们这样说会使他们产生距离感。”－－同意，用客观的语气说更好一些。
xiaohe分析文章思路挺深刻的，赞：）
另外，给花之颜色提个建议，你的语言功底很好，不过不要热衷于造太复杂的句子，虽然光用单句也是不行的。简洁才是美！
另给两篇优秀习作供参考：
http://bbs.gter.edu.cn/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=79386
http://bbs.gter.edu.cn/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=174503

花之颜色UID: 187195

受教了~有时候不由自主地就造了个长句出来,唉唉~以后会注意的!