issue77 请拍！关于individualistic的

coolblazeverestUID: 189260

Issue77  
------题目------
People today are too individualistic. Instead of pursuing self-centered, separate goals, people need to understand that satisfaction comes from working for the greater good of the family, the community, or society as a whole.
思路：同意作者观点
Body1：承认并论述People today are too individualistic.指出其弊病。
Body2：论述people should be collectivistic
Body3：让步哈

------正文------
In the argument above, the author asserts that instead of pursuing self-centered, separate goals, people need to be more collectivistic, not too individualistic. In general, I agree with the author, and give the reasons below.

People on the increase concern the interest for himself or herself due to the over emphasis on individualism. In our modern society, when we can understand the words from the adulthood, we are always instructed to be more self-centered, more individualistic. Although no matter our parents or the teachers who guide us that we must be individualistic have only one goal: let us independent. However, the consequences of too much emphasis on the creed are not so appropriate as their anticipation. There are more and more people only care about their own profits and neglect others' feelings, especially children and teenagers, who are encouraged that they can do everything if they desire. It is reported that the rise of juvenile delinquency and other inconsiderate actions which are partially caused by their parents' spoiling conducts.

The contradictory idea towards individualism is collectivism which accentuate that the interest of individuals is under the benefits of collectivity. If all people are willing to make contribution to the family, the community or the whole society, the development of our society will speed up, and the crimes and juvenile delinquencies would be reduced dramatically. Meanwhile, one who wants to donate and help others will receive others' respects. We do not have to look very far to see the validity from the famous scientist: Albert Einstein who is not only an outstanding scientist, but also a person full of humanism. His ardent humanism led him to strive for peace, freedom and social justice, and when he achieved great accomplishment, he helped Jews found the Hebrew University of Jerusalem and handed down his bequest of his literary estate and personal papers to the Hebrew University in his Last Will and Testament. Because all the contributions he made to our human being, he deserves the great honors which are endowed to him. The other vivid example is Martin Luther King, who contributed all his life to build up a just society and also received honorable laurel from the world people. Only is a person willing to separate joy and achievement with others and help others, he or she will recognize that the real satisfaction comes from working for the greater good of the family, the community, and the whole society.

Admittedly, individualism indeed has its function to serve for the development of individuals' personalities and the independent spirit. However, we should make clear that collectivism does not mean inhibition of diverse characters of individuals. Collectivism is based upon the merits that every individual should cooperate and communicate with other members, and should contribute to the progress of the entity. Not only benefit oneself, but also others. Therefore, we accentuate the spirit of being more collectivism aims at establishing a more harmonious and more humanism society which may do good to all of us.

To sum up, if all people are willing to help others, cooperate with others and serve for a larger community, not only every individual will gain satisfaction from working for others, but also our whole human being and the society will benefit from it.

poohUID: 146994

People today are too individualistic. Instead of pursuing self-centered, separate goals, people need to understand that satisfaction comes from working for the greater good of the family, the community, or society as a whole.
思路：同意作者观点
Body1：承认并论述People today are too individualistic.指出其弊病。
Body2：论述people should be collectivistic
Body3：让步哈

------正文------
In the argument above, the author asserts that instead of pursuing self-centered, separate goals, people need to be more collectivistic, not too individualisticIn general, I agree with the author, and give the reasons below. 开头太简单了，主题句，就是最后这一句要简单说一下你为什么agree, 把topic sentense 总结一下陈列上来。 还有缺少背景的介绍，开头切入正题要循序渐进，从现象背景谈起。

People on the increase concern the interest for himself or herself due to the over emphasis on individualism.这句由语法问题：缺少谓语！people on the increase concern...也不通顺  In our modern society, when we can understand the words from the adulthood, we are always instructed to be more self-centered, more individualistic.这里不要用比较级，因为没有可比性 Although no matteralthough no matter 用法不对，这是简单句子，不是复合句，去掉although 和no matter   our parents or the teachers who guide us that we must be individualistic have only one goal: let us be independent. However, the consequences of too much emphasis on the creed are not so appropriate as their anticipation. 这句有几个词用的不合适，而且跳跃性大，我没大看懂 There are more and more people only care about their own profits and neglect others' feelings, especially children and teenagers, who are encouraged that they can do everything if they desire. It is reported that the rise of juvenile delinquency and other inconsiderate actions which are partially caused by their parents' spoiling conducts.家长的宠爱不代表individulistic! 你要把例子分析一下，看看切不切题，再往主题上拉拢一下。缺少具体的例子，都比较泛泛。不要只讲孩子和青少年，大人的individualism可能会导致更严重的后果，你可以写写这些方面

语法错误比较多，你写完之后要认真检查一下。如果有必要可以再看看语法书上将从句的那部分。



The contradictory idea towards individualism is collectivism which accentuate that the interest of individuals is under the benefits of collectivity. If all people are willing to make contribution to the family, the community or the whole society, the development of our society will speed up, and the crimes and juvenile delinquencies would be reduced dramatically. Meanwhile, one who wants to donate and help others will receive others' respects. We do not have to look very far to see the validity from the famous scientist: Albert Einstein who is not only an outstanding scientist, but also a person full of humanism. His ardent humanism led him to strive for peace, freedom and social justice, and when he achieved great accomplishment, he helped Jews found the Hebrew University of Jerusalem and handed down his bequest of his literary estate and personal papers to the Hebrew University in his Last Will and Testament. Because all the contributions he made to our human being, he deserves the great honors which are endowed to him. The other vivid example is Martin Luther King, who contributed all his life to build up a just society and also received honorable laurel from the world people. Only is a person willing to separate 这个词用得不对，应该用share joy and achievement with others and help others, he or she will recognize that the real satisfaction comes from working for the greater good of the family, the community, and the whole society.这句有问题，only不能引导这个从句，改成only when a person is willing to ....
例子不错，这段还可以，



Admittedly, individualism indeed has its function to serve for the development of individuals' personalities and the independent spirit. However, we should make clear that collectivism does not mean inhibition of diverse characters of individuals. Collectivism is based upon the merits that every individual should cooperate and communicate with other members, and should contribute to the progress of the entity. Not only benefit oneself, but also others. 无主语Therefore, we accentuate the spirit of being more collectivism aims at establishing a more harmonious and more humanism society which may do good to all of us.语法问题

To sum up, if all people are willing to help others, cooperate with others and serve for a larger community, not only every individual will gain satisfaction from working for others, but also our whole human being and the society will benefit from it.

思路还可以，就是语法错误多影响了思想的表达

coolblazeverestUID: 189260

一下子就捅到我的痛处了：（
谢谢pooh的修改，我拿回去好好修改了，先摆在这当个反面教材吧，
更加坚定了我推迟考试的决定了。。。
看来我要更努力了！！