ISSUE 124，我的第一篇作文，555 用了快2个小时，请大家帮我改一改，谢谢*()*

sunbirdwangUID: 193021

124"Instant foods, instant communication, faster transportation-all of these recent developments are designed to save time. Ironically, though, instead of making more leisure time available, these developments have contributed to a pace of human affairs that is more rushed and more frantic than ever before." 124． 快餐、实时通讯、快递，所有的这些最新发明都是为了节省人们的时间。但具有讽刺意味的是，这些发明非但没有给人们带来更多的闲暇时间，反而让人们的生活节奏越来越快
I agree with the speaker's assertion on the point that recent developments such as instant foods, communication, as well as fast transportation, which greatly enhance our working efficiency, have made it possible for us to set aside more time for repose and relaxation. It's also true that people usually lead a more rushed and more frantic life than before, however, what we must concede is the fact that not the technical and social innovations and developments but our ways of living and the increasing stress lead to this phenomenon.

Developments and successful innovations always bring with them promotion of efficiency, which can save workers' labor and time, so we can say they are aimed at saving time. Especially in this highly developed world, where its members are more and more time cautious, businessmen have searched almost each corner in order to make something that can attract people's attention by saving us time or by providing the customers convenient service. It is common to see sellers in the supermarkets having their lunch, walking from the KFC to their working places while eating an hamburger, for there may be only 30 minutes for an lunch time during their work. Mobile phones allow us get interacted with almost anyone with a phone wherever we are and whenever we want, making communications more and more effective. With the help of computers, technicians can easily solve the problems of calculus or algebra; thus, the time a project takes can greatly shorten.
The advantages of developments are obvious, but do we living a more leisure life than ever before?

In fact, usually, we are living a hurried life rather than have more free time with all these new inventions and facilities, when compare to our ancestors centuries ago. Take medical staffs for instance, before the twentieth century, when systematic health centers and hospitals did not exist, they usually work with a lighter schedule, and the clinics were in or near the doctors' house. But today, doctors and nurses have to commute between their workplaces and homes, the time they spend on traveling takes up an appreciable part of a heavier schedule everyday. The improvements in the field of medical care which require medical staffs to have enough relevant knowledge, also bring them pressure-both when they are at medical schools, and when they pursuing their own careers. So, it seems that the facilities and machines, which designed to save time, in turn, have made life harder.

However, the speaker's assertion is, in my point of view, superficial, in that he failed to see the conflict between the increasing population and limit occupations-the increasing career competition. Industry workers have to work with a rapid speed and high efficiency to meet the employees' requirement, in order to hold their own jobs, or get a better payment to feed their families. Statistics shows that in Hubei Province, China, there are 156 thousand graduates from colleges and universities, yet only 70.6 percents of them can get a job in the year 2004. Not only the new labors faced career stress, but the employers who have worked for years also endure much pressure from all sides of life. For example, the advances of technology and science force them to renew their own knowledge system, thus, after working hours, flocks of people go to schools and other programs where teach the recent developments related to their fields; family pressure require the parents to make enough income, so it is reasonable to find some people get part-time-jobs to balance their family finance; people also work in extra hours, getting a higher salary, or just because of heavy loads of assignments. Therefore, it is social pressure and competition that make our lives more rushed and frantic rather than the recent developments.
To sum up, some recent inventions and improvements make possible for us to set aside more time for repose as well as relaxation, for the working efficiency is promoted. But few of us can enjoy a light schedule, because of furious competition, peer pressure, family needs, and the value of diligent. Indeed, the high speed of life has become a social trend at present time.

fengboallanUID: 157405

哈哈，多谢你对我作文的修改阿。呵呵，让我来看看你的吧：嘿嘿


124"Instant foods, instant communication, faster transportation-all of these recent developments are designed to save time. Ironically, though, instead of making more leisure time available, these developments have contributed to a pace of human affairs that is more rushed and more frantic than ever before." 124． 快餐、实时通讯、快递，所有的这些最新发明都是为了节省人们的时间。但具有讽刺意味的是，这些发明非但没有给人们带来更多的闲暇时间，反而让人们的生活节奏越来越快


I agree with the speaker's assertion on the point that recent developments such as instant foods, communication, as well as fast transportation, which greatly enhance our working efficiency, （have made it possible for us to set aside more time for repose and relaxation）这好像有一点多余了. It's also true that people usually lead a more rushed and more frantic life than before, however, what we must concede is the fact that not the technical and social（我觉得不是社会，而应该是科学。你下面指的是科学的改变） innovations and developments but our ways of living and the increasing stress lead to this phenomenon.写得不错啊，第一次就有这个水平了，

Developments and successful innovations always bring with them（us） promotion of efficiency, which can save workers' labor and time, so we can say they are aimed at saving time. （they，指代不清啊）Especially in this highly developed world, where its members are more and more time cautious,(cautious的好意是什么？看不太懂阿) businessmen have searched almost each corner in order to make something that can attract people's attention by saving us time or by providing the customers convenient service. It is common to see sellers in the supermarkets having their lunch, walking from the KFC to their working places while eating an hamburger, for there may be only 30 minutes for an lunch time during their work. Mobile phones allow us get interacted with almost anyone with a phone wherever we are and whenever we want, making communications more and more effective. With the help of computers, technicians can easily solve the problems of calculus or algebra; thus, the time a project takes can greatly shorten.
The advantages of developments are obvious, but do we living a more leisure life than ever before?
我觉得有一个很重点的论述没有在文中体现：人的本性，企业的存在目的就是对更高效率，更高产产能的追求。科技的创新，技术的发展很多的原动力在于节省时间，高效运作，而不在于给人们更多的休闲时间。在这样的目的指引下很容易，使我们的因为科技创新而富于的时间更多的被更多work，business所占用。然后举例：ATM在bank的应用，节省人力，人力用于其它的方面，而不是，让银行的员工都放假。
In fact, usually, we are living a hurried life rather than have more free time with all these new inventions and facilities, when compare to our ancestors centuries ago. Take medical staffs for instance, before the twentieth century, when systematic health centers and hospitals did not exist, they usually work with a lighter schedule, and the clinics were in or near the doctors' house. But today, doctors and nurses have to commute between their workplaces and homes, the time they spend on traveling takes up an appreciable part of a heavier schedule everyday. The improvements in the field of medical care which require medical staffs to have enough relevant knowledge, also bring them pressure-both when they are at medical schools, and when they pursuing their own careers. So, it seems that the facilities and machines, which designed to save time, in turn, have made life harder.
说实话，在我gter给的提纲的时候我就不太认同这个提纲。我总觉得不知所云。或者，并没有扣到题目。这段不给你改了。我不太会

However, the speaker's assertion is, in my point of view, superficial, in that he failed to see the conflict between the increasing population and limit occupations-the increasing career competition. Industry workers have to work with a rapid speed and high efficiency to meet the employees' requirement, in order to hold their own jobs, or get a better payment to feed their families. Statistics shows that in Hubei Province, China, there are 156 thousand graduates from colleges and universities, yet only 70.6 percents of them can get a job in the year 2004. Not only the new labors faced career stress, but the employers who have worked for years also endure much pressure from all sides of life. For example, the advances of technology and science force them to renew their own knowledge system, thus, after working hours, flocks of people go to schools and other programs where teach the recent developments related to their fields; family pressure require the parents to make enough income, so it is reasonable to find some people get part-time-jobs to balance their family finance; people also work in extra hours, getting a higher salary, or just because of heavy loads of assignments. Therefore, it is social pressure and competition that make our lives more rushed and frantic rather than the recent developments.
To sum up, some recent inventions and improvements make possible for us to set aside more time for repose as well as relaxation, for the working efficiency is promoted. But few of us can enjoy a light schedule, because of furious competition, peer pressure, family needs, and the value of diligent. Indeed, the high speed of life has become a social trend at present time.



说说重点的问题吧，对于分论点我不太认同
让我们一起分析一下论题

科技的发展--〉节省时间--->时间被用于别的方面，使人更紧张--------〉谁用的？谁把剩余的时间用到别处去了--------〉人，人自己为了追求更大的职业人生目标，所以更努力
            -------〉社会，社会的竞争使人的潜意识充满竞争的心态，所以不停的提高自己的能力，节省时间做更多的事。
开头你说得非常好，it is no business with technology.而是社会
分论点
1. 对于社会，影响社会的是竞争的心态，人与人的竞争，企业与企业的竞争。从企业竞争为突破口，例子：从IBM的DB2数据库到，计算机的应用，ERP的企业解决方案。应用的目的不是为了给员工每年多方几天假，而是提高企业的效率和竞争力。所以，科技的创新并没有让人们停下来，而是对更高效率的追求。
2 对于人，通信，快餐，更好的发明的确让人们节省了以前必须浪费的时间。不过，这个社会是要进步的，我们每个人之间存在竞争。当社会在整个同时进步的时候，我们之间是没有什么个人的优势的。所以，紧张的社会气氛下，个人在用那些时间去做了其它的事：work， study，business.
3finally,另外一个角度看问题，进步是我们不能阻挡的。但能让人真有更多时间的休息在于人本身的想法和追求。尽管科技在进步，越来越多的事情不用我们亲历亲为。但要想有根多时间享受生活，我们比许个人努力去正确的平衡自己的心态然后放下负担，享受生活。再来个建议
：什么什么的



最后总结




说的是个人意见
未必正确
第三个分论点还有待推敲


互相努力吧

naiba369UID: 131655

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