issue128 我的第三篇，看有没有点进步啊？

qiwei0420UID: 170136

128. It is often asserted that the purpose of education is to free the mind and the spirit. In reality, however, formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free.

Owning free minds and spirits are vital to everyone, one of the main methods to achieve this aim is from education. Some times, formal education can free our minds and spirits, nevertheless, other times, it attempts to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free. However, as we all know, education is one of the primary elements in our lives; as well as we need free minds and spirits when we engaged in some creative works.

Uncontrolled minds and spirits are necessary to us, when we take part in some special fields. Free minds and spirits can give us inspirations; at the same time, inspirations are the vital elements to success, especially, in arts and music. For instance, if they have no inspirations, artists can not create grandly products which can evoke our resonance, even more, a good product will last from one generation to the next generation. Musicians can not produce excellent performance if they have no free minds and spirits. Our human being may still not eat the boiled and warm meat if the ancient people have no creativity which stems from free minds and spirits. Only when we have free minds and spirits, we can make our lives colorful, comfortable and convenient. Therefore, there is nothing important than freeing minds and spirits.

Where are these minds and spirits come from? Certainly, they are from education which every people would take part in. In formal education, teachers will tell us how to free the mind and the spirit, they give us an orientation where inspiration can reach and they broaden our eye-sight, let us know, how excellent the world where we are living is. Moreover, they guide us to an infinitely creative world, where is the threshold of every amazing things. Maybe, people who did not take formal education can create miraculous products or inventions, but we can imagine that they must make more mistakes than those who took formal educations during the period of inventions, so formal education is necessary to us, in the other word, formal education can make us avoid unnecessary mistakes, and save us much time. For example, any great people, such as artist, musician, and scientist etc. were all taking formal education, perhaps they did not enter colleges, even though they did not enter high school, but they must take some primary education, which is just the beginning of their success, therefore they can have some achievements today.

Sometimes, formal education restrains our minds and spirits, for we are ruled by the conventions, lack of some innovations. But we must know one thing that it is not the purpose of the formal education that want to restrain our minds and spirits. We can change this kind of situation, which need us take some measures, such as, give students more creative spaces than ever before, let themselves devise the method of education and even admit them to revise our educational system, thus making it adapt to the development of things. Since we know the aim of education is not to restrain the mind and spirit, but to free them, we must find a good method to resolve this problem. Hence, we can keep our free minds and spirits to contribute our world.

To sum up, freeing minds and spirits are equal important to formal education, without formal education, we will make many mistakes, although success at last; without freeing minds and spirits, we can not create great products and inventions, although we have higher degree. Therefore, to solve this problem, education must revise its method, and thus keeping free minds and spirits.

乒乓球爱上九月UID: 162925

帮你顶一下.

qiwei0420UID: 170136

没人给改，我也要自己顶一下了

qiwei0420UID: 170136

再顶

qiwei0420UID: 170136

顶啊

qiwei0420UID: 170136

还是没人给改啊？

dragonflyljUID: 185331

首先看了一下。我觉得你的例子大多还是在说道理，能不能给出一个很具体的例子。自己编一个也好。

为什么第一个BODY讨论自由思想的重要性？似乎有点儿离题。这里讨论的是教育是否限制了自由思想。这下看回到你的THESIS上，第一段你没提出THESIS，一直在摇摆。最后的SUMUP写道freeing minds and spirits are equal important to formal education: 很显然没有可比性。你离题了.

整理一下你的思路，第一段在摇摆，第二段写自由思想的好处，第三段写自由思想主要赖于教育。第四段，教育抑制了自由思想。第五段最后一句：Therefore, to solve this problem, education must revise its method, and thus keeping free minds and spirits. 就我而言，我没有抓到你的THESIS，三个BODY分别写了三样，成了散文了。散文也要形散神具

nickaaronleeUID: 183378

128. It is often asserted that the purpose of education is to free the mind and the spirit. In reality, however, formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free.

Owning free minds and spirits are vital to everyone, one of the main methods to achieve this aim is from education.（调整一下，Education is one of the main methods to achieve so.） Some times, formal education can free our minds and spirits, nevertheless, other times, it attempts to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free. However, as we all know, education is one of the primary elements in our lives; as well as we need free minds and spirits when we engaged in some creative works.

Uncontrolled minds（没理解） and spirits are necessary to us, when we take part in some special fields. Free minds and spirits can give us inspirations; at the same time, inspirations are the vital elements to success, especially, in arts and music. For instance, if they have no inspirations, artists can not create grandly products which can evoke our resonance, even more, a good product will last from one generation to the next generation. Musicians can not produce excellent performance if they have no free minds and spirits. Our human being may still not eat the boiled and warm meat if the ancient people have no creativity which stems from free minds and spirits. Only when we have free minds and spirits, we can make our lives colorful, comfortable and convenient. Therefore, there is nothing important than freeing minds and spirits. （偏题了，题目说的是formal education，不是minds and spirits的重要性）

Where are these minds and spirits come from? Certainly, they are from education which every people would take part in. In formal education, teachers will tell us how to free the mind and the spirit, they give us an orientation where inspiration can reach and they broaden our eye-sight, let us know, how excellent the world where we are living is. Moreover, they guide us to an infinitely creative world, where is the threshold of every amazing things. Maybe, people who did not take formal education can create miraculous products or inventions, but we can imagine that they must make more mistakes than those who took formal educations during the period of inventions, so formal education is necessary to us, in the other word, formal education can make us avoid unnecessary mistakes, and save us much time. For example, any great people, such as artist, musician, and scientist etc. were all taking formal education, perhaps they did not enter colleges, even though they did not enter high school, but they must take some primary education, which is just the beginning of their success, therefore they can have some achievements today.（感觉也偏了，题目说的是education restrain our minds and spirits，没有涉及是否来源于教育，重点是restrain）

Sometimes, formal education restrains our minds and spirits, for we are ruled by the conventions, lack of some innovations. But we must know one thing that it is not the purpose of the formal education that want to restrain our minds and spirits. We can change this kind of situation, which need us take some measures, such as, give students more creative spaces than ever before, let themselves devise the method of education and even admit them to revise our educational system, thus making it adapt to the development of things. Since we know the aim of education is not to restrain the mind and spirit, but to free them, we must find a good method to resolve this problem. Hence, we can keep our free minds and spirits to contribute our world.

To sum up, freeing minds and spirits are equal important to formal education, without formal education, we will make many mistakes, although success at last; without freeing minds and spirits, we can not create great products and inventions, although we have higher degree. Therefore, to solve this problem, education must revise its method, and thus keeping free minds and spirits.
（感觉你没有理解题目的意思，偏的挺厉害的，好好改一下吧，加油~~~）

likeying27UID: 195699

Owning free minds and spirits are vital to everyone, one of the main methods to achieve this aim is from education. Some times, formal education can free our minds and spirits, nevertheless, other times, it attempts to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free. However, as we all know,formal) education is one of the primary elements in our lives; as well as we need free minds and spirits when we engaged in some creative works. 有保留的赞成

Uncontrolled（就写Free） minds and spirits are necessary to us, when we take part in some special fields. Free minds and spirits can give us inspirations; at the same time, inspirations are the vital elements to success, especially, in arts and music. For instance, if they have no inspirations, artists can not create grandly products which can evoke our resonance, even more, a good product will last from one generation to the next generation. Musicians can not produce excellent performance if they have no free minds and spirits. Our human being may still not eat the boiled and warm meat if the ancient people have no creativity which stems from free minds and spirits. Only when we have free minds and spirits, we can make our lives colorful, comfortable and convenient. Therefore, there is nothing important than freeing minds and spirits.
minds and spirits 的重要性 （论据都好象不深刻）

（文章主要攻formal education 破坏了 free minds and spirits，所以前后的education最好都是formal education）
Where are these minds and spirits come from? Certainly, they are from (formal)education which every people would take part in. In formal education, teachers will tell us how to free the mind and the spirit, they give us an orientation where inspiration can reach and they broaden our eye-sight, let us know, how excellent the world where we are living is. Moreover, they guide us to an infinitely creative world, where is the threshold of every amazing things. Maybe, people who did not take formal education can create miraculous products or inventions, but we can imagine that they must（太绝对了，may） make more mistakes than those who took （takes） formal educations during the period of inventions,（中间能编个例子就好了） so formal education is necessary to us, in the other word, formal education can make us avoid unnecessary mistakes, and save us much time. For example, any great people, such as artist, musician, and scientist etc. were all taking formal education, perhaps they did not enter colleges, even though they did not enter high school, but they must take some primary education, which is just the beginning of their success, therefore they can have some achievements today.
minds and spirits 来自formal education

Sometimes, formal education restrains our minds and spirits, for we are ruled by the conventions, lack of some innovations. But we must know one thing that it is not the purpose of the formal education that want to restrain our minds and spirits. We can change this kind of situation, which need us take some measures, such as, give students more creative spaces than ever before, let themselves devise the method of education and even admit them to revise our educational system, thus making it adapt to the development of things. Since we know the aim of（formal） education is not to restrain the mind and spirit, but to free them, we must find a good method to resolve this problem. Hence,（Under a series of these solutions ） we can keep our free minds and spirits to contribute our world.

To sum up, freeing minds and spirits are equal important to formal education, without formal education, we will make many mistakes, although success at last; without freeing minds and spirits, we can not create great products and inventions, although（虽然是平衡结构换个词吧，不重复，though） we have higher degree. Therefore, to solve this problem, education must revise its method, and thus keeping free minds and spirits

qiwei0420UID: 170136

谢谢大家，怎么就没有进步呢？我现在感觉写作文越来越难了，想写一篇半天都下不了笔，已经俩天没写了，这样下去可不行啊，怎么办啊？

dragonflyljUID: 185331

想什么就写什么，想到就写。大胆写，越不敢写，就越拖越久了。。。你应该克服逻辑上的一些问题，把握住题干。加油