issue8 政府withhold imformation 二话没有，只管砸！

victoriazhizhiUID: 163135

舍弃了心爱的艾弗森的比赛写的，结果写的也挺破的，悲愤！ :mad:
大家赐教，定认真回改：）

Issue8.It is often necessary, even desirable, for political leaders to withhold information from the public

正文～～～～～～～～～～～
Sunshine is the best disinfector; street lamps are the best police. Similarly, only by increasing the diaphaneity of information, can a modern country enhance its probity on politics and guarantee that the citizens enjoy their rights and democracy.

The publics have the right to acquaint themselves with important decisions of the country, momentous policies of the government, and current affairs which are closely related to their behalf and rights in their everyday lives. The publicity of information, deemed to be the foundation in the process of democracy and a valid method to prevent the government from corruption, is not only necessary but also should be paid more emphasis in law country. Otherwise, withholding information from the public may probably lead to despotism and depravity of the government, deprive the rights and interests of people, and what is worse, cause serious problems. An example in case, two yeas ago in Nandan coal mine, Guangxi Province in China, when one of the most terrible disasters in history happened, instead of reporting to the state and organizing the succor immediately, the local government chose to hide the truth with an excuse that the disaster would bring a lot of negative effect to the county. Owing to their own purposes to keep themselves from blames and assure their positions, this serious disaster was hidden for 17 days and finally led to almost one hundred people's death. What a disastrous experience! Thus, the publicity of information is desirable, and will benefit people in supervising the government work, preventing autarchy and constructing the society.

Then why do some people make such an assertion that political leaders should withhold information from the public? They, virtually, failing to see the adverse affect of keeping information, believe that the publicity of information will bring panic to the public and cause the instability of society. Actually, if political leaders withhold information, the common people would lose their heads when facing fatal disasters or diseases because they lack the knowledge of protecting themselves from sudden calamities. Following the disasters would come all kinds of rumor and exaggeration of the fact, which will disturb people's minds and cause more instability. Take the SARS in China as an example. When the SARS spread in the early time over southern China, information was withheld in order not to cause people's panic and tension. But when the SARS spread to a large area of China and the government cannot help but to tell the truth to the public, various descriptions of SARS impacted on people and shaped a situation that no person dared to walk on the street and commodities in supermarkets were sold up, and even the most universal antibiotic and thermometers were sold at a very high price. If the government could correctly guide people to understand the disease and protect themselves at the first time, people would not live in fear and fluster.

However, the publicity of information does not mean absolutely open but includes a basic of definitude of secrets. The exposure of confidential intelligence, commercial secrets and military affairs and so on would damage the security of the society, for the common people are not aware of the significance of such secrets and would possibly make chaos. In brief, apart from some private information coming down to the safety of the nation, government should make its public aware of as much as information as possible.

In one word, with the development of massive communication, the publicity of information is not only necessary, but also becomes the tidal current of the contemporary society and the demand of modern law country. By providing people with more information, a country can vastly enhance people’s freedom and the capability of suffering large accidents, and furthermore the society would be more stable. To achieve such a goal, the massive medias should be aware of their responsibilities and incumbency in transmitting information to the public objectively, accurately and appropriately so as to actualize the communication between the government the public.

乒乓球爱上九月UID: 162925

Sunshine is the best disinfector; street lamps are the best police. Similarly, only by increasing the diaphaneity这个单词我只查到它的形容词形式 of information, can a modern country enhance its probity这个单词是形容人正直,不知道这样用是否合适 on politics and guarantee that the citizens enjoy their rights and democracy. 开头很好

[B]The publics have the right to acquaint themselves with important decisions of the country, momentous policies of the government, and current affairs which are closely related to their behalf and rights in their everyday lives. [/B]  The publicity of information, deemed to be the foundation in the process of democracy and a valid method to prevent the government from corruption, is not only necessary but also should be paid more emphasis in law country. [B]Otherwise, withholding information from the public may probably lead to despotism and depravity of the government, deprive the rights and interests of people, and what is worse, cause serious problems. [/B]  An example in case, two yeas ago in Nandan coal mine, Guangxi Province in China, when one of the most terrible disasters in history happened, instead of reporting to the state and organizing the succor immediately, the local government chose to hide the truth with an excuse that the disaster would bring a lot of negative effect to the county. Owing to their own purposes to keep themselves from blames and assure their positions, this serious disaster was hidden for 17 days and finally led to almost one hundred people's death. What a disastrous experience! [B]Thus, the publicity of information is desirable, and will benefit people in supervising the government work, preventing autarchy and constructing the society.[/B]
你的ts的主语是the public,也就应该从公开信息对大众的影响说起,你的论证始终在围绕监督政府社会以及民主等等来说 不算很好的支持中心.公开信息对于公众,对于政府两个方面的问题不要放在一块说,混了.建议这一段可以分一下

Then why do some people make such an assertion that political leaders should withhold information from the public? They, virtually, failing to see the adverse affect of keeping information, believe that the publicity of information will bring panic to the public and cause the instability of society. Actually, if political leaders withhold information, the common people would lose their heads when facing fatal disasters or diseases because they lack the knowledge of protecting themselves from sudden calamities. Following the disasters would come all kinds of rumor and exaggeration of the fact, which will disturb people's minds and cause more instability. Take the SARS in China as an example. When the SARS spread in the early time over southern China, information was withheld in order not to cause people's panic and tension. But when the SARS spread to a large area of China and the government cannot help but to tell the truth to the public, various descriptions of SARS impacted on people and shaped a situation that no person dared to walk on the street and commodities in supermarkets were sold up, and even the most universal antibiotic and thermometers were sold at a very high price. If the government could correctly guide people to understand the disease and protect themselves at the first time, people would not live in fear and fluster.

However,太重,会削弱你自己的观点,让步一下就好. the publicity of information does not mean absolutely open but includes a basic of definitude of secrets. The exposure of confidential intelligence, commercial secrets and military affairs and so on would damage the security of the society, for the common people are not aware of the significance of such secrets and would possibly make chaos. In brief, apart from some private information coming down to the safety of the nation, government should make its public aware of as much as information as possible.
这样写是可以的,个人认为如果结合上一段,将转折变成一个小小的折衷会比较好,提出信息公开也是有程度的,而政府应该努力作到程度的最大化 既承认了特殊情况也支持了自己的观点 你觉得呢

In one word, with the development of massive communication, the publicity of information is not only necessary, but also becomes the tidal current of the contemporary society and the demand of modern law country. By providing people with more information, a country can vastly enhance people’s freedom and the capability of suffering large accidents, and furthermore the society would be more stable. To achieve such a goal, the massive medias should be aware of their responsibilities and incumbency in transmitting information to the public objectively, accurately and appropriately so as to actualize the communication between the government the public.

body的第一段需要修改,整体应该不错了,不知道限时了没有? 个人意见,参考讨论一下.
BTW,艾佛森是偶高中时候的最爱.现在改爱乒乓球拉 哈哈

victoriazhizhiUID: 163135

多谢九月JJ，刚上任就这么敬业，强烈支持工作捏！
惭愧的，没限时：（
开头那个透明的词本来用的是很幼稚一词，觉得破又换了个不知道对不对的，丢人ing。probity是想说廉洁来着，又不会说只好找了个顶替
B1 是想说人民有知情的权利，关于决策了政策了以及和生活相关的事件了等，如果没有公开呢就会影响人民权益的实现等。自己也看着有些混乱，诶
B4开头本来写的是admittedly,后来不知道为虾米就改成了个however.我其实呢就是想表达你说的意思，在明确机密的基础上，除了那些涉及到国家安全的信息之外应该增加透明做到信息公开最大化。但是不知道怎么表达，说的都像废话一般。汗。。
乒乓球以前很稀饭的，后来都是中国银的天下了，就失去了兴趣，艾弗森还是宝刀不老啊。哇哈哈哈
谢过乒乓球姐姐

乒乓球爱上九月UID: 162925

body 1 很重要 列个提纲吧

naiba369UID: 131655

占座

鬼谷子UID: 159645

issue8 政府withhold information 二话没有，只管砸！
舍弃了心爱的艾弗森的比赛写的，结果写的也挺破的，悲愤！  
大家赐教，定认真回改：）

Issue8.It is often necessary, even desirable, for political leaders to withhold information from the public

正文～～～～～～～～～～～
Sunshine is the best disinfector; street lamps are the best police. 【不错的比喻】 Similarly, only by increasing the diaphaneity【我觉得transparency会贴切一点】 of information, can a modern country enhance its probity【这个应该是用在个人的身上的】 on politics and guarantee that the citizens enjoy their rights and democracy. 【很好的开头，很好的句子，简洁而有力！有进步！为了让你的句子更完美，你不妨再注意一下句子的节奏和对称性，比如enhance the political honesty of its government and guarantee the democratic rights of its citizens】

The publics have【public已经是人群了，没有复数】 the right to acquaint themselves with important decisions of the country, momentous policies of the government, and current affairs which are closely related to their behalf and rights in their everyday lives. The publicity of information, deemed to be the foundation in the process of democracy and a valid method to prevent the government from corruption, is not only necessary but also should be paid more emphasis in law country. Otherwise, withholding information from the public may probably lead to despotism and depravity of the government, deprive the rights and interests of people, and what is worse, cause serious problems. 【第一句是从人民的角度来说的，不知道是不是TS？然后，二三句都是从政府的角度来说了，而后面的例子我觉得偏于政府多一点，这里要么改个TS，下面分两方面写，要么干脆去掉第一句，再把人民的内容另起一段】 An example in case, two yeas ago in Nandan coal mine, Guangxi Province in China, when one of the most terrible disasters in history【中国历史上？世界历史上？还是广西历史上？说的有点夸张了】 happened, instead of reporting to the state and organizing the succor immediately, the local government chose to hide the truth with an excuse that the disaster would bring a lot of negative effect to the county. Owing to their own purposes to keep themselves from 【away from】blames and assure【protect】 their positions, this serious 【severe】disaster was hidden for 17 days and finally led to almost one hundred people's death. What a disastrous experience! 【我认为这样比较口语化的语言最好不要出现】 Thus, the publicity of information is desirable, and will benefit people in supervising the government work【work of government】, preventing autarchy and constructing the society. 【我觉得这几个动词用名词的形式比较好一点】
【B1总体上都是从政府社会的角度来论述的，只有TS的部分提到了人们，然后，马上就显得乱了，理清思路再动笔。可以把这段精简一下，然后把人民的内容加进去，或者另起一段写人民，因为你开头就是把政府和人民两方面并列的，所以我觉得有必要把两方面都仔细展开。Right？】

Then why do some people make such an assertion that political leaders should withhold information from the public? 【新颖的TS】 They, virtually, failing to see the adverse affect of keeping information, believe that the publicity of information will 【你是想论述他们的错误所在，然后进一步支持自己的观点？另外，believe加上一点限制，如，only，just，merely等等比较好，因为 bring panic to the public and cause the instability of society是客观存在的可能性，不该完全否定的，显得不全面】.Actually, if political leaders withhold information, the common people would lose their heads when facing fatal disasters or diseases because they lack the knowledge of protecting themselves from sudden calamities. Following the disasters would come all kinds of rumor and exaggeration of the fact, which will disturb people's minds and cause more instability. 【觉得这里论述的不是很清晰，说看了后面的才知道，这两句是针对非典的情况的，但是，对于一般的情况就不适合了啊，觉得这两句适合放在SARS的例子后面】Take the SARS in China as an example. When the SARS spread in the early time over southern China, information was withheld in order not to cause people's panic and tension. But when the SARS spread to a large area of China and the government cannot help but to tell the truth to the public, various descriptions of SARS impacted on people and shaped a situation that no person dared to walk on the street and commodities in supermarkets were sold up, and even the most universal antibiotic and thermometers were sold at a very high price. If the government could correctly guide people to understand the disease and protect themselves at the first time, people would not live in fear and fluster.
【觉得这段的作用不是很大的，你完全可以把SARS的例子和分析拿出来，把这段写成人民方面，SARS的例子正是说明人民需要information，个人意见】

However, the publicity of information does not mean absolutely open but includes a basic of definitude of secrets. 【什么意思？】The exposure of confidential intelligence, commercial secrets and military affairs and so on 【这些东西根本不能说是可以公开的information的，所以根本不会出现公开的情况的。除非是犯罪。所以，为了表达你的意思，里应该说是过度公开可以导致上述的那些内容的泄漏 】would damage the security of the society, for the common people are not aware of the significance of such secrets and would possibly make chaos. 【这半句是什么意思？？】 In brief, apart from some private information coming down to the safety of the nation, government should make its public aware of as much as information as possible.

In one word, with the development of massive communication, the publicity of information is not only necessary, but also becomes the tidal【？】 current of the contemporary society and the demand of modern law country. By providing people with more information, a country can vastly enhance people’s freedom and the capability of suffering large accidents, and furthermore the society would be more stable. To achieve such a goal, the massive medias should be aware of their responsibilities and incumbency in transmitting information to the public objectively, accurately and appropriately so as to actualize the communication between the government the public.
【这篇文章结构上，词句上明显有了进步，提出表扬！B1B2还有值得商榷的地方，其他的都不错了，加油加油！】

victoriazhizhiUID: 163135

感谢鬼给俺批作文
上次说开头不好的问题，得到指点所以这次有了点改进，嘿嘿
B1，就如九月说的，应该列提纲的，本来写了TS后，不知道怎么转到政府身上去了，而且发现这样比较容易写，就继续写下去了，准备把TS换换的
同意鬼的看法，把B2以人民为主
多谢多谢

naiba369UID: 131655

唉，改你下一篇吧，2篇够你吸收错误&思考问题了，我还的意见也许还不如楼上2位高明呢