augument 6 21号就考了 请拍砖

PsychocandyUID: 171159

花了两个小时修改完的

6The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."

正文：

The arguer concludes that a new jazz club in the city of Monroe would be very profitable. He claims that jazz is very popular in Monroe, and that the proposed club would have the local market all to itself, which are the author’s reasons why the new club would be profitable. But in my point of view, the reasoning is questionable, so the conclusion reached in this argument is not convincing.

First, the fact that over 100000 people attended Monroe’s jazz festival last summer can hardly be evidence to conclude jazz’s high popularity in Monroe. On the one hand, we don’t know how many of the 100000 people who attended the festival were residents in Monroe. There might be, for example, a lot of enthusiastic jazz fans coming from all over the country. If most of the festival’s participants were not Monroe’s residents, jazz’s high popularity in the city is doubtful. On the other hand, the argument lacks information to show that the festival was successful for that there is the possibility that the attendance of 100000 people stood only a small part of the festival’s whole capacity.

In addition, the arguer simply equates the fact that the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is “Jazz Nightly” with jazz’s high popularity among the city’s residents. It is unconvincing to attribute the program’s success only to jazz’s popularity because the author does not rule out the possibility that other genres of music such as pop and classical music may be even more popular than jazz is in Monroe and that radio programs playing those genres are not highly rated because the programs themselves are not that good. Being the highest rated radio program in Monroe, Jazz Nightly owes its success more to its high quality than to the popularity of jazz music.

Assuming that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe, which we now know may not be true, it seems that a new jazz club would be popular and therefore profitable. But the reasoning suffers a fallacy because the author ignores the expense of opening and running the club. The club can be profitable only if the revenue is greater than the expense, which is only too vague an assumption because we lack more information on the potential revenue as well as expense.

To sum up, I must say that the argument has several problems and it can hardly be an effective application for a loan. We need more thorough investigation about the city of Monroe and people living there to know whether a new jazz club would be popular or not. On the other hand, we must consider the cost of opening and running the club as well as the potential revenue.

PsychocandyUID: 171159

我已经改了几篇别人的了，可还是没人改我的，我改过的哥们上线了就回拍我啊！

21号就考了，这几天全通宵都怕来不及了。

大家帮忙拍！

everystepUID: 168194

先占个位置，和你差不多时间考，也考虑通宵呢，呵呵，

imjasonUID: 176604

The arguer concludes that a new jazz club in the city of Monroe would be very profitable. He claims that jazz is very popular in Monroe, and that the proposed club would have the local market all to itself, which are the author’s reasons why the new club would be profitable. But in my point of view, the reasoning is questionable, so the conclusion reached in this argument is not convincing.

First, the fact that over 100000 people attended Monroe’s jazz festival last summer can hardly be evidence差个冠词吧 to conclude jazz’s high popularity in Monroe. On the one hand这里我觉得可以用for example之类的换掉，避免和后面的on the other hand重复, we don’t know how many of the 100000 people who attended the festival were residents in Monroe. There might be, for example, a lot of enthusiastic jazz fans coming from all over the country. If most of the festival’s participants were not Monroe’s residents, jazz’s high popularity in the city is doubtful. On the other hand, the argument lacks information to show that the festival was successful for that there is the possibility that the attendance of 100000 people stood only a small part of the festival’s whole capacity.这个理由很新颖哦！

In addition, the arguer simply equates the fact that the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is “Jazz Nightly” with jazz’s high popularity among the city’s residents. It is unconvincing to attribute the program’s success only to jazz’s popularity because the author does not rule out the possibility that other genres of music such as pop and classical music may be even more popular than jazz is in Monroe and that radio programs playing those genres are not highly rated because the programs themselves are not that good这个理由我觉得有点牵强，尽管正确的可能性存在。可以说由于有了优秀的广播节目，人们不会去俱乐部了. Being the highest rated radio program in Monroe, Jazz Nightly owes its success more to its high quality than to the popularity of jazz music.

Assuming that jazz is extremely这个词语合适么？怀疑。在英语中这个好象属于有点极端的词汇。 popular in Monroe, which we now know may not be true, it seems that a new jazz club would be popular and therefore profitable. But the reasoning suffers a fallacy because the author ignores the expense of opening and running the club. The club can be profitable only if the revenue is greater than the expense, which is only too vague an assumption because we lack more information on the potential revenue as well as expense.

To sum up, I must say that the argument has several problems and it can hardly be an effective application for a loan. We need more thorough investigation about the city of Monroe and people living there to know whether a new jazz club would be popular or not. On the other hand, we must consider the cost of opening and running the club as well as the potential revenue.
菜鸟觉得展开的还不够

everystepUID: 168194

正文：

The arguer concludes that a new jazz club in the city of Monroe would be very profitable. He claims that jazz is very popular in Monroe, and that the proposed club would have the local market all to itself, which are the author’s reasons why the new club would be profitable. But in my point of view, the reasoning is questionable, so the conclusion reached in this argument is not convincing. 开头简短挺好，最后一句可以再修饰

First, the fact that over 100000 people attended Monroe’s jazz festival last summer can hardly bethe evidence to conclude jazz’s high popularity in Monroe. On the one hand, we don’t know how many of the 100000 people who attended the festival were residents in Monroe residents in Monroe were.不要倒装 There might be, for example, a lot of enthusiastic jazz fans coming from all over the country. If most of the festival’s participants were not Monroe’s residents, jazz’s high popularity in the city is doubtful. On the other hand, the argument lacks information to show that the festival was successful for that there is the possibility that the attendance of 100000 people stood only a small part of the festival’s whole capacity. 这里再来个总结会比较好，除非----，---这一段挺好，详细

In addition, the arguer simply equates the fact that the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is “Jazz Nightly” with jazz’s high popularity among the city’s residents. It is unconvincing to attribute the program’s success only to jazz’s popularitythe popularity of jazz，jazz’s popularity 别扭，呵呵，个人习惯 because the author does not rule out the possibility that other genres of music such as pop and classical music may be even more popular than jazz is in Monroe and that radio programs playing those genres are not highly rated because the programs themselves are not that good. 有点绕，可以说虽然取名JAZZ Nightly未必都是JAZZ音乐,在每周一次上也可以做做文章Being the highest rated radio program in Monroe, Jazz Nightly owes its success more to its high quality than to the popularity of jazz music.

Assuming that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe, which we now know may not be true, it seems that a new jazz club would be popular and therefore profitable. But the reasoning suffers a fallacy because the author ignores the expense of opening and running the club. The club can be profitable only if the revenue is greater than the expense, which is only too vague an assumption because we lack more information on the potential revenue as well as expense.

To sum up, I must say that the argument has several problems and it can hardly be an effective application for a loan. We need more thorough investigation about the city of Monroe and people living there to know whether a new jazz club would be popular or not. On the other hand, we must consider the cost of opening and running the club as well as the potential revenue.

楼主是限时写的吗，不错，BODY2 有点绕，与其长句绕，不如用短句说清楚，其他还行，很羡慕噢，一起加油

PsychocandyUID: 171159

谢谢楼上的修改！这是我第二篇ARGU，是改了很长时间的。

我不通宵了，能弄成什么样就什么样吧。ISSUE还没写过呢，呵呵。

我是作好了CANCEL的准备了。

peipei_fayUID: 163182

The arguer concludes that a new jazz club in the city of Monroe would be very profitable. He claims that jazz is very popular in Monroe, and that the proposed club would have the local market all to itself, which are the author’s reasons why the new club would be profitable. But in my point of view, the reasoning is questionable, so the conclusion reached in this argument is not convincing. 觉得还是把论据说一下吧

First, the fact that over 100000 people attended Monroe’s jazz festival last summer can hardly be evidence to conclude jazz’s high popularity in Monroe. On the one hand, we don’t know how many of the 100000 people who attended the festival were residents in Monroe. There might be, for example, a lot of enthusiastic jazz fans coming from all over the country. If most of the festival’s participants were not Monroe’s residents, jazz’s high popularity in the city is doubtful. On the other hand, the argument lacks information to show that the festival was successful for that there is the possibility that the attendance of 100000 people stood only a small part(percentage书面一点) of the festival’s whole capacity.
这一段分析的不错

In addition, the arguer simply equates the fact that the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is “Jazz Nightly” with jazz’s high popularity among the city’s residents. It is unconvincing to attribute the program’s success only to jazz’s popularity because the author does not rule out the possibility that other genres of music such as pop and classical music may be even more popular than jazz is in Monroe and that radio programs playing those genres are not highly rated because the programs themselves are not that good. Being the highest rated radio program in Monroe, Jazz Nightly owes its success more to its high quality than to the popularity of jazz music.还可以指出radio program Jazz Night有可能削弱jazz club,二者时间上有冲突

Assuming that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe, which we now know may not be true, it seems that a new jazz club would be popular and therefore profitable. But the reasoning suffers a fallacy because the author ignores the expense of opening and running the club. The club can be profitable only if the revenue is greater than the expense, which is only too vague an assumption because we lack more information on the potential revenue as well as expense.

在开头已经说了"the proposed club would have the local market all to itself"这里最好在分析一下原因,也就是把其他竞争对手的情况说一下

To sum up, I must say that the argument has several problems and it can hardly be an effective application for a loan. We need more thorough investigation about the city of Monroe and people living there to know whether a new jazz club would be popular or not. On the other hand, we must consider the cost of opening and running the club as well as the potential revenue

我也是菜鸟水平,祝楼主马到成功