argument147, 第一次发文,请大伙掐掐

hjhjhj1984UID: 160270

Argument147
---------------------------------题目
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
---------------------------------正文
In this argument, the arguer recommends that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years. To support this claim, the arguer provides a recent survey based on a group of video-game players. In addition, the arguer states that ad campaign faced to 10 to 25 years people would surely promote the sales of video games. As far as I am concerned, although it is appeared reasonable at first glance, however, there are many serious flaws in the contentions which will lead the prediction to invalidity finally.

The first and foremost problem in the argument is that the increasing of the sale is related to many factors, such as the need of the market, the price of the video games, and even the people’s attitudes to it, not only the content of the video-game itself. The evident of the survey cannot convince us because it is problematic in many aspects. The arguer does not inform us the responders' ages, careers, economic background and total number of them, it is highly possible that the number of the responder is too small to make a conclusion, or their answer cannot show the real market needs. To better substantiate his recommendation, the arguer had better present more solid evidence to convince us the survey is credible and could reflect the true market needs

In addition, the ad campaign is aimed to 10 to 25 years old people who are almost students and dependent in the economy, even though they are most likely to play video games it is still open to doubt whether the main buyer of video games is them. Common sense tells us that that group of people is mainly youth who have not many money to buy the latest and expensive video games and in many cases, borrow more and buy less. On the contrary, the group of 25-35 years who have a stable income and more time to play video games that are ignored by the ad campaign of the company. In the customer-driven business realm, losing customer means losing everything, let alone the increasing sales. So how can the company increase the sales of video games, if its main customers decrease? The arguer should provide more evidence that the ad campaign can attain success as plan and help raising the sales effectively and efficiently.

Last but not least, the arguer claims that the sales of video games have declined over the past two years, so what is the fundamental reason of it. If we don't find out the existing shortcomings or disadvantages in the publishing video games, only depend on a survey and an ad campaign, the trend of declining would strongly possible continued. Therefore, the arguer should provide us more backgrounds of the former operation of the video game company.

To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in thee analysis dose not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence to convince us the content of one video game is of the paramount importance and the newly introduced games meat the standard. To better evaluate the argument, the arguer should present more information about the ad campaign to make sure that it is effective and efficient.


------------------------------PS
第一次鼓起勇气,发自己写的,请大家帮帮小弟啊.3,14就要考了啊

hjhjhj1984UID: 160270

自己捞一下
帮小弟看看吧
给个分也行啊

dragonflyljUID: 185331

In this argument, the arguer recommends that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years. To support this claim, the arguer provides a recent survey based on a group of video-game players. In addition, the arguer states that ad campaign faced to 10 to 25 years people would surely promote the sales of video games. As far as I am concerned, although it is appeared reasonable at first glance (这句实在是废话), however, there are many serious flaws in the contentions which will lead the prediction to invalidity finally.

The first and foremost problem in the argument is that the increasing of the sale is related to many factors, such as the need of the market, the price of the video games, and even the people’s attitudes to it, not only the content of the video-game itself. (如果上面那句是TS，那么下面这句是？上面那句是个攻击点，可以放到文章最后一个体里面写) The evident of the survey cannot convince us because it is problematic in many aspects. The arguer does not inform us the responders' ages, careers, economic background and total number of them (这句很详细), it is highly possible that the number of the responder is too small to make a conclusion, or their answer cannot show the real market needs. To better substantiate his recommendation, the arguer had better present more solid evidence to convince us the survey is credible and could reflect the true market needs

In addition, the ad campaign is aimed to 10 to 25 years old people who are almost students and dependent in the economy, even though they are most likely to play video games it is still open to doubt whether the main buyer of video games is them. Common sense tells us that that group of people is mainly youth who have not many money to buy the latest and expensive video games and in many cases, borrow more and buy less. On the contrary, the group of 25-35 years who have a stable income and more time to play video games that (这个that很迷茫，使得这个不是句子了) are ignored by the ad campaign of the company. In the customer-driven business realm, losing customer means losing everything, let alone the increasing sales. So how can the company increase the sales of video games, if its main customers decrease? The arguer should provide more evidence that the ad campaign can attain success as plan and help raising the sales effectively and efficiently. (这两个词英文近义，不要重复了)

Last but not least, the arguer claims that the sales of video games have declined over the past two years, so what is the fundamental reason of (for) it. If we don't find out the existing shortcomings or disadvantages in the publishing video games, only depend on a survey and an ad campaign, the trend of declining would strongly possible continued. Therefore, the arguer should provide us more backgrounds of the former operation of the video game company. (这段最好不这么写，好像空话比较多，写点实在的，比如质量问题，游戏的内容，游戏的类型不吸引人，把shortcoming写具体。)

To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in thee analysis dose not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence to convince us the content of one video game is of the paramount importance and the newly introduced games meat the standard. To better evaluate the argument, the arguer should present more information about the ad campaign to make sure that it is effective and efficient. (太多。。。)
总体而言，最后一段要改进。写短些。 B1 头上那句换到别地方，B3 可以放那一句，B3 写的具体些

文字句子虽然传统，但是我觉得OK。主要是框架不能有问题,段间联系不紧密，最好来个承接

hjhjhj1984UID: 160270

谢谢楼上仁兄
下面是我的一点看法,呵呵

1.

As far as I am concerned, although it is appeared reasonable at first glance (这句实在是废话),

现在一看的确是废话,就当凑字数拉

2

(如果上面那句是TS，那么下面这句是？上面那句是个攻击点，可以放到文章最后一个体里面写)

决定移到B3, 作为最后一句

3

(这个that很迷茫，使得这个不是句子了)

把that改成which如何?

4

The arguer should provide more evidence that the ad campaign can attain success as plan and help raising the sales effectively and efficiently. (这两个词英文近义，不要重复了)

我是在别的地方看到这种用法的,大家觉的可以用吗?

5

(这段最好不这么写，好像空话比较多，写点实在的，比如质量问题，游戏的内容，游戏的类型不吸引人，把shortcoming写具体。)

打算改的时候把质量问题等加进去,另外把B1的首句移过来.


请各位再看看啊,打算多收集点意见,再进行大改动,然后贴上来.
谢了先

hjhjhj1984UID: 160270

自己顶下就去睡了