issue233 第三篇，可能有点偏题，欢迎大家说说，谢谢！（内附简要思路）

bigdogzUID: 173896

233. Although innovations such as video, computers, and the internet seem to offer schools improved methods for instructing students, these technologies all too often distract from real learning. (2.17, 3.5h, 550)
1．分析real learning以驳斥
2．举出benefit
3. 指出negative effect 不是technologies的原因

Since the author holds the belief that rather than contribute to, innovations all too often distract students from real learning, such statement seems to have mistaken the meaning of “real learning” and have exaggerated the negative effect although it is not totally without evidence.

“Real learning”, in my view, is a process to get as close and familiar as possible to the most advanced knowledge and technology such as computer and internet, from which students can get nurtured and developed. In China, compared with students studying in the countryside where there are not so many, even none, advanced technologies mentioned in the issue, urban ones can have more chances of getting to know and use such facilities. Let’s suppose an extreme but possible situation. As time goes by, although the two kinds of students both seem to learn on and on under unchanged circumstances, what a astonishing gap it is between them when one can fluently receive and send E-mails and excitedly watch NBA’s online matches while the other depressively stands around a computer trying to find out what it is! Thus, in a sense, such rural students are deprived of “real learning” without these technologies.

Besides, the author’s exaggeration of the negative effect conflicts with the commonsense and experience. Nowadays, students would first refer to video and internet when they want to know what is happening and try to get something useful to them because these technologies provide the most vivid picture and newest report. Especially when a paper needs to be done, students could find the knowledge and information relevant to the subject in a short time, since nearly all of the needed are accessible in the internet. As a result, it is not only convenient but also effective for students to learn by taking advantage of such innovations. In other words, given by these helpful technologies, the convenience virtually promotes the efficiency of learning.

Furthermore, from pictures and reports in the video and internet, students can “travel” around the world, from Las Vegas’s noisy casino table to Amazon’s tranquil rainforest; from solving the North Korean Nuclear Crisis to joining the Iraq Election, knowing varied customs and traditions and experiencing different stories and details as if they were there. Some may argue that the “travel” above can be attained in other ways, tourism and book for example, without theses technologies, but how could other ways manage students to broaden their eyesight and enrich their knowledge in so effective and lively a way?

With no doubt, the negative effect gets support from the fact that some students are distracted from learning whereas into online games and some unhealthy websites, unable to extricate themselves. But let’s assume that if there were no these technologies, will such indulged look for other alternatives? The answer is definite by experience. They may chatter nonsense all day, drink heavily all night, and even just wander around for just one purpose: kill their time. Thus, it is not the technologies but the educational system, which is beyond the topic, that is to blame.

To sum up, technological innovations are helpful for real learning to a great extent according to my criterion, and their positive effect overweighs the negative one. Anyway, we cannot open the window for fresh air, not allowing a fly in, isn’t it?

bigdogzUID: 173896

用猫猫上网，希望明天能看到大家的评论。支持一下！

bigdogzUID: 173896

只能自己顶一下了，请大家快来看看！

bigdogzUID: 173896

再给自己顶一下！

lbxiongUID: 175681

233. Although innovations such as video, computers, and the internet seem to offer schools improved methods for instructing students, these technologies all too often distract from real learning. (2.17, 3.5h, 550)
1．分析real learning以驳斥
2．举出benefit
3. 指出negative effect 不是technologies的原因

Since the author holds the belief that rather than contribute to, innovations all too often distract students from real learning, such statement seems to have mistaken the meaning of “real learning” and have exaggerated the negative effect although it is not totally without evidence.最好亮出你的观点吧，好像是新技术并没有distract real learning

“Real learning”, in my view, is a process to get as close and familiar as possible to the most advanced knowledge and technology such as computer and internet, from which students can get nurtured and developed. In China, compared with students studying in the countryside where there are not so many, even none, advanced technologies mentioned in the issue, urban ones can have more chances of getting to know and use such facilities. Let’s suppose an extreme but possible situation. As time goes by, although the two kinds of students both seem to learn on and on remain? keep?under unchanged circumstances, what a astonishing gap it is between them when one can fluently receive and send E-mails and excitedly watch NBA’s online matches while the other depressively stands around a computer trying to find out what it is! Thus, in a sense, such rural students are deprived of “real learning” without these technologies. 这段是用城市和乡村做对比，但是对比的结果是：乡村的学生因为没有computer,所以deprive of real learn，好像和TS没有什么关系

Besides, the author’s exaggeration of the negative effect conflicts with the commonsense and experience.这个common sense and experience是什么呀？ Nowadays, students would first refer to video and internet when they want to know what is happening and try to get something useful to them because these technologies provide the most vivid picture and newest report. Especially when a paper needs to be done, students could find the knowledge and information relevant to the subject in a short time, since nearly all of the needed are accessible in the internet. As a result, it is not only convenient but also effective for students to learn by taking advantage of such innovations. In other words, given by these helpful technologies, the convenience virtually promotes the efficiency of learning.媒体的优势，说的不错

Furthermore, from pictures and reports in the video and internet, students can “travel” around the world, from Las Vegas’s noisy casino table to Amazon’s tranquil rainforest; from solving the North Korean Nuclear Crisis to joining the Iraq Election, knowing varied customs and traditions and experiencing different stories and details as if they were there. Some may argue that the “travel” above can be attained in other ways, tourism and book for example, without theses technologies, but how could other ways manage students to broaden their eyesight and enrich their knowledge in so effective and lively a way? 同样是新媒体技术的优势，和上面一段相似

With no doubt, the negative effect gets support from the fact that some students are distracted from learning whereas into online games and some unhealthy websites, unable to extricate themselves. But let’s assume that if there were no these technologies, will such indulged look for other alternatives?［indulge in doing sth.］ The answer is definite by experience. They may chatter nonsense all day, drink heavily all night, and even just wander around for just one purpose: kill their time. Thus, it is not the technologies but the educational system, which is beyond the topic, that is to blame.前面的学生对待新技术说的不错，后面的没有新技术，他们……，好像和negative effect,没有关联了

To sum up, technological innovations are helpful for real learning to a great extent according to my criterion, and their positive effect overweighs the negative one. Anyway, we cannot open the window for fresh air, not allowing a fly in, isn’t it?

呵呵，总体还是不错的，表达还不错。
但是对题目的理解不是很到位
我对real learning的理解是老师面对学生的传统教育
新的技术所带来的是对这个方面的冲击，即visual learing
可以用这个矛盾找找新的思路，
大家共同进步吧

龙非UID: 193190

Since the author holds the belief that rather than contribute to, innovations all too often distract students from real learning, such statement seems to have mistaken the meaning of “real learning” and have exaggerated the negative effect although it is not totally without evidence. 观点不够明确，特别是用了seems

“Real learning”, in my view, is a process to get as close and familiar as possible to the most advanced knowledge and technology such as computer and internet, from which students can get nurtured and developed. 这段话不敢苟同，而且下面的论证没没有针对这个TS展开，很难令人信服
  In China, compared with students studying in the countryside where there are not so many, even none, advanced technologies mentioned in the issue, urban ones can have more chances of getting to know and use such facilities. Let’s suppose an extreme but possible situation. As time goes by, although the two kinds of students both seem to learn on and on under unchanged circumstances, what a astonishing gap it is between them when one can fluently receive and send E-mails and excitedly watch NBA’s online matches while the other depressively stands around a computer trying to find out what it is! Thus, in a sense, such rural students are deprived of “real learning” without these technologies. 这段写得不成功，例子也不好，难道不会send e-mail和watch NBA，进一步将，不会使用电脑和互联网就是缺乏“real learing”吗，这些就是“real learning”吗？这些只是工具


Besides, the author’s exaggeration of the negative effect conflicts with the commonsense and experience. Nowadays, students would first refer to video and internet when they want to know what is happening and try to get something useful to them because these technologies provide the most vivid picture and newest report. Especially when a paper needs to be done, students could find the knowledge and information relevant to the subject in a short time, since nearly all of the needed are accessible in the internet. As a result, it is not only convenient but also effective for students to learn by taking advantage of such innovations. In other words, given by these helpful technologies, the convenience virtually promotes the efficiency of learning. 这一段如果TS换一下，从正面讲新技术convenient且effective会更好，因为你的所有论证并不是说innovations的negative effect


Furthermore, from pictures and reports in the video and internet, students can “travel” around the world, from Las Vegas’s noisy casino table to Amazon’s tranquil rainforest; from solving the North Korean Nuclear Crisis to joining the Iraq Election, knowing varied customs and traditions and experiencing different stories and details as if they were there. Some may argue that the “travel” above can be attained in other ways, tourism and book for example, without theses technologies, but how could other ways manage students to broaden their eyesight and enrich their knowledge in so effective and lively a way? 这一段例子好，但观点不够明确，这一段想说明新技术什么问题？难道是说明video和internet可以让学生“travel around the world”？？显然不是，是新技术可以开阔眼界，丰富知识，这个应该作为TS明确提出

With no doubt, the negative effect gets support from the fact that some students are distracted from learning whereas into online games and some unhealthy websites, unable to extricate themselves. But let’s assume that if there were no these technologies, will such indulged look for other alternatives? The answer is definite by experience. They may chatter nonsense all day, drink heavily all night, and even just wander around for just one purpose: kill their time. Thus, it is not the technologies but the educational system, which is beyond the topic, that is to blame. 这一段还是主题句的问题，要在主题句明确提出some student会distracted，但那不是technologis的错，此外最后一句有点画蛇添足，最后总结只要说不是技术的错就够了，不要还把责任推到教育系统身上，你确定是教育系统的错吗：）


To sum up, technological innovations are helpful for real learning to a great extent according to my criterion, and their positive effect overweighs the negative one. Anyway, we cannot open the window for fresh air, not allowing a fly in, isn’t it? 你整篇并没有说到innovations的negative effect，即使在让步段也是说那不是技术的错，但是总结的时候却说它的positive effect 超过了negative one，好像不是很好


总的来说，问题主要出在主题句，每一段都没有明确的TS来提挈，使得整篇文章没有骨架，显得散乱。

bigdogzUID: 173896

家里的猫坏了，导致昨天没有上的了网，非常谢谢楼上两位的指点。

bigdogzUID: 173896

又看了一下，5楼说的问题可能是我们对real learning的不同理解，下来我再仔细想想。
6楼说的的确是我的痛处，写完了以后觉得是有问题，但又不知道出在哪儿，经你一说还真的是主题句的问题。
非常感谢大家的修改，让你们费时了。我会再继续努力！