issue46 第二次写作，来批吧,我还受得了

crazyfox3UID: 171430

题目：
“While some leaders in government, sports, industry and other areas attribute their success to a well-developted sense of competition, a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation”

正文：
The purpose of the competition is to win which is the same as the cooperation. Although these two ways share the same goal, they still are different. How can we deal with the relationship with the competition and cooperation? In my point of view, they both are most important in the development of people. Neither of them can be ignored.

A well-developed sense of competition will contributes person’s success. People can learn a lot of things from the competition .At first, the people can learn how deal with the failure in competition. No one can always win in every game and the victory only belongs to the people who can insist on and never give up. For instance, my brother has beaten all the competitors in his school to be the chairman of the student union. When he fought for that job, he had lots of strong opponents which have more chance to win than has he. But he did not give up and gain the victory eventually. At second, competition can drive the competitor stronger. When people fail, he always finds out his defect and deficiency, then he work much harder which can make him has more chance to win the game. Furthermore, the competition impulse the development of the society, almost every field such as the sports, industry and so on, attributes their success to the competition.

However, the cooperation is also important as same as the competition. If the problem is so hard for people that no one can finish it lonely. How can we do? The answer is cooperation! In fact, the cooperation is so important to people as ability. In the first place, cooperation can teach the people how to get with other guys around. If people have no friend, they can not live in the society and people should make more friends as possible as they can. But, every people have different personality, if one people do not know how to talk and work with others, they will not have much friends,. In the second place, the people especially the students can learn a lot of things from their copartners. Knowledge and skill are very important for the students, so when the students cooperate with other students, they will learn others’ merit and knowledge. I remember when I was 16years old, my group and I were going to finish a homework which was so difficult to us.In the process, we help each other and work hard. Ultimately, we completed the job. From that cooperation, I not only learned how to work with others, but also know lots of thing that I did not know.

In a conclusion. Competition and cooperation are all important to us .if we only have the ability of competition, we will have few friends but if we only have the ability of the cooperation, we can not improve so fast that we will lose a lot of chance to win in the competition. Between the competition and cooperation, we can not say that which is more important than the other one. Only if we have those two abilities, we can success easily.


这次确实是很认真地写的，没有限时，小的问题都尽量改正了，还请各位大虾指点，尤其是论证方面，感觉自己说的不是太好

lisploreUID: 195645

题目：
“While some leaders in government, sports, industry and other areas attribute their success to a well-developted sense of competition, a society can better prepare its young people for leadership by instilling in them a sense of cooperation”
题目分析：
类似这样的题目，比较讨巧的是分government, sports, industry三点展开论证，同时提一下other areas。这样的好处在于有东西可写。尤其对于文科的同学来说，我建议在government这点上写点有分量的内容出来，对于理科的尤其男学生热爱运动的，不妨试试sports。像下面这篇文章的论据积累是不够的。也许他是个理科生。如果他是爱好运动的，那么我想sports应该还有点文章可以做做。总之要利用你熟悉的东西来做论据，这样比较划算。
关于论点，我想随便支持哪点都可以，或者各打五十大板也不错。关键要把论据用在论证论点上就行了。像下面这篇文章里面有些论证不直接，这是很伤的。我有一个同学，文章写的也不算太深刻，但所有的论点论据结合非常严密，体现出一种简单的美感，所以后来上考场拿了5.5也能够令人理解。我想这也算最基本的一点要求吧。

关于下面这篇文章的语言，基本上过得去。总之语言上也有一些明显的错误，总体上也不熟练，不过用作GRE作文，不算太坏。

正文：
The purpose of the competition is to win， which is the same as the cooperation. Although these two ways share the same goal, they still are are still different. How can we deal with the relationship with the competition and cooperation? In my point of view, they both are most important 虽然语言上没错，但most用得非常不恰当。in the development of people.这样在第一段就暴露了语言不过关的问题，印象并不好 Neither of them can be ignored.总而言之这个第一段写得非常仓促，内容不多，却又有重复。可以考虑增加简单的说理，可以是分别描述一下competition和coorperation的特点，而不必说了“都很重要”再说“不可忽视”，虽然这样写并没错，但是两句简单的句子重复说一个意思总不漂亮。

A well-developed sense of competition will contributes to person’s success. People can learn a lot of things from the划掉 competition .At first, the people can learn how to deal with the划掉 failure in competition.而实际上后面的论据根本就没说failure，第一个论点失败 No one can always win in划掉 every game and the victory only belongs to the people who can insist on and never give up. For instance, my brother has beaten all the competitors in his school to be the chairman of the student union. When he fought for that job, he had lots of strong opponents which have more chance to win than has he. But he did not give up and gain the victory eventually. At划掉 second, competition can drive the competitor stronger.而这第二个论点倒是可以用前面的例子，只是那个例子实在非常单薄阿。而且这个论点实际上也是前面论点的重复 When people fail, he always finds out his defect and deficiency重复, then he work much harder which can make him has more chance to win the game. Furthermore, the划掉 competition impulses the development of the society,这句话如果算第三个论点的话就糟了，前后根本没有联系，逻辑非常混乱。 almost every field such as the sports, industry and so on, attributes their success to the competition.

However, the划掉 cooperation is also important as same as the competition. If the problem is so hard for people that no one can finish it lonely. How can we do? The answer is cooperation! In fact, the cooperation is so important to people as ability.如果把这句重复的话删掉，而把前面那句话写充实，也许会好一些。 In the first place, cooperation can teach the划掉 people how to get with other guys around. If people have no friend, they can not live in the society and people should make more friends as possible as they can.这句话与论点无关，如果是为了引出下面一句话，可以考虑缩短。 But, every people have -> person has different personality, if one people do not know how to talk and work with others, they will not have much friends,.但是也没有说明论点啊？ In the second place, the people especially the students can learn a lot of things from their copartners. Knowledge and skill are very important for the students, so when the students cooperate with other students, they will learn others’ merits and knowledge.这个论点是全文论述最好的，比较紧密。 I remember when I was 16years old, my group and I were going to finish a homework which was so difficult to us.In the process, we help each other and work hard. Ultimately, we completed the job. From that cooperation, I not only learned how to work with others, but also know lots of thing that I did not know.

以上的论证几乎很少有效，论据也不充实。

In a conclusion. Competition and cooperation are all important to us .if we only have the ability of competition, we will have few friends首先我个人不认同你这个观点，其次，两者之间没有必然的联系。 but if we only have the ability of the cooperation, we can not improve so fast that we will lose a lot of chance to win in the competition. 首先我个人不认同你这个观点，其次，the ability of ... 用在这里非常生硬。Between the competition and cooperation, we can not say that which +one is more important than the other one划掉. Only if we have those two abilities, we can success easily.

字数不够。

lisploreUID: 195645

实在不好意思一上来就批得这么没人性，看来还要好好习惯一下才行啊.

crazyfox3UID: 171430

谢谢阿，批得很全面，我确实在感觉在论据论证方面，没什么话说
也没什么论据，实在不知道该怎么办啊，还请指教一下