argu1 第一篇A 写的也气的快吐血了 麻烦大家修改指教

chrisyUID: 160364

用了50MIN 莫名其妙就将近450字了 感觉自己都不怎么会说人话了  大家帮忙指点一下吧 实在是还没摸门~~~~~~~



1.The following appeared in a memorandum written by the vice president of Nature's Way, a chain of stores selling health food and other health-related products.


"Previous experience has shown that our stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives. We should therefore build our next new store in Plainsville, which has many such residents. Plainsville merchants report that sales of running shoes and exercise clothing are at all-time highs. The local health club, which nearly closed five years ago due to lack of business, has more members than ever, and the weight training and aerobics classes are always full. We can even anticipate a new generation of customers: Plainsville's schoolchildren are required to participate in a 'fitness for life' program, which emphasizes the benefits of regular exercise at an early age."






1
The vice president recommondes to build next stores which sells health-related produce in Plainsville. He makes such suggestion because of the previous experience that their stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives, and Plainville is just such a place. To support this assertion he cites the facts that running shoes and exercise clothing sell well there, and local health club have more members than five years ago. He also claims they can attract new generation customers in that local schoolchildren are required to participate in 'fitness for life' program. However, the argument relies on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, which make it unconvincing as it stands.

In the first place,the arguer assumes that the running shoes and exercise clothing sell well necessarily means that residents in Plainville pay much attention on healthy living, which is unfounded. firstly we cannot know the reality and accuracy of such assertion, may be it is only the fact of a few merchants which cannot represents the whole situation. Meanwhile, it may be other reasons causing such phenonomenon. The commodities are probably bought by students who need them in the P.E. class, not the common residents of Plainville. Unless the arguer provide more detailed facts to support his assertion, it is difficult for us to advocate his statement.

In the second place, the arguer simply equates attending health club especially weight training and aerobics class with that local residents emphasize on leading healthy lives, which is unwarranted. There are many other causes drive people become healthy club members. Someone may only regards such behavior as contemporary fashion to follow. Moreover, people who attend weight-training and aerobics classes may probably want to lose weight for beauty rather than pursuing health. It is unfair to generalize the facts for the only reason of leading healthy lives.

Finally, profit is a factor of not only revenue but also cost. The arguer has not consided possible cost of building new store in Plainville, such as the taxation and the rent of the store. It is also possible that Plainville is an area where rent is rather high even overweight the revenue they can gain from local residents. In that case it is unwise for them to make such a decision. Without weighing revenue against expenses the arguer's conclusion is premature.

In conclusion, the recommandation of building new store in Plainvill is entirely unpersuasive. Unless provide more detailed and convincing evidence which can well support his claims, it is hard for us to agree with his statement. The arguer should makes more deep and comprehensive survey of the entire situation of the market of Plainsville.

snowyfxUID: 189264

1
The vice president recommondes to build next stores which sells health-related produce in Plainsville. He makes such suggestion because of the previous experience that their stores are most profitable in areas where residents are highly concerned with leading healthy lives, and Plainville is just such a place. To support this assertion he cites the facts that running shoes and exercise clothing sell well there, and local health club have more members than five years ago. He also claims they can attract new generation customers in that local schoolchildren are required to participate in 'fitness for life' program. However, the argument relies on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, which make it unconvincing as it stands.

In the first place,the arguer assumes that the running shoes and exercise clothing sell well necessarily means that residents in Plainville pay much attention on healthy living, which is unfounded. firstly we cannot know the reality and accuracy of such assertion,这样写不好，这样的词reality and accuracy不要用，对文章给出的一切事实，调查等不要怀疑，只看逻辑推理 may be it is only the fact of a few merchants which cannot represents the whole situation. 这样写可以Meanwhile, it may be other reasons causing such phenonomenon. The commodities are probably bought by students who need them in the P.E. class, not the common residents of Plainville.应该再多说点例子，三个比较好 Unless the arguer provide more detailed facts to support his assertion, it is difficult for us to advocate his statement.

In the second place, the arguer simply equates attending health club especially weight training and aerobics class with that local residents emphasize on leading healthy lives, which is unwarranted. There are many other causes drive people become healthy club members. Someone may only regards such behavior as contemporary fashion to follow. Moreover, people who attend weight-training and aerobics classes may probably want to lose weight for beauty rather than pursuing health. It is unfair to generalize the facts for the only reason of leading healthy lives.

Finally, profit is a factor of not only revenue but also cost.这句表达不太好，我的建议profit is decided not only by revenue but cost.好像也一般The arguer has not consided possible cost of building new store in Plainville, such as the taxation and the rent of the store. It is also possible that Plainville is an area where rent is rather high even overweight the revenue they can gain from local residents. In that case it is unwise for them to make such a decision. Without weighing revenue against expenses the arguer's conclusion is premature.

In conclusion, the recommandation of building new store in Plainvill is entirely unpersuasive. Unless provide more detailed and convincing evidence which can well support his claims, it is hard for us to agree with his statement. The arguer should makes more deep and comprehensive survey of the entire situation of the market of Plainsville.

只看了内容，没怎么看语法。我的建议：
1 思路还不错，new generation 还应该提一下，这也是个重点，毕竟你在第一段已经提到了。
2 结构也可以，就是第一段写得多了些，后面的短就比较瘦了，有点头重脚轻的感觉。
3 语言问题多了点，主要是写的不是很严密，有点不像阿狗啊，呵呵，多看点范文，经典句型，就会好起来。
个人建议而已。

chrisyUID: 160364

谢谢楼上指点 感觉非常没感觉 快考了 暴受打击~~~~~

chrisyUID: 160364

Finally, profit is a factor of not only revenue but also cost.这句表达不太好，我的建议profit is decided not only by revenue but cost.好像也一般

这句的表达是照搬例句的 不知道可靠不可靠~~~~


另外DF的老师不是说ARGU中的study survey等都是分论点吗 可以对数据的真实性和随即性等进行质疑 还是我理解错了??

chrisyUID: 160364

自己顶一下 大家给多点意见 尤其是告诉我目前是什么水平 因为心里很没底