新鲜出炉的Argument125,求各位大侠拍转。

touchparadiseUID: 197128

头一次写argument,用时37.12m,多多指教啊。
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125The following is a recommendation from the president of Appleby College.
"Whereas Appleby College holds class reunions every five years, Edelston College holds annual reunions for all classes, during which Edelston's alumni are treated to banquets, lectures, and student performances, enhancing their loyalty to the college and their willingness to donate money. Edelston College receives most of its alumni donations during or shortly after these reunions. Therefore, the best way for Appleby to increase its alumni donations is to offer similar reunion activities and to have each graduating class hold annual reunions."
This recommendation from the president of Appleby College tells one facet of the fact that the annual reunion has been the time and opportunity for Edelston College to receive most of its alumni donations. However, it is absolutely not enough for Appleby College to imitate and held annual reunions of alumni.

Firstly, Appleby College’s alumni may not be as rich as that of Edelston College. It is possible that Edelston College is famous of its education of business and finance. Most of the students who graduated from this college would find their job in financial companies and work as CEOs or other executives. For them, gathering together in their mother college and being treated to banquets is not only the best opportunity to enjoy the time with old classmates and teachers, but also they could get in touch with someone who could give them a hand in the future business. With the more-income job and better earning, it is reasonable for them to donate to the college during or shortly after the reunion. However, those who graduated from Appleby College may work as the manager of libraries and get the much lower earning, because the major department of the college is Library Management. Although the above situation is just an assumption, the statement of the president does not provide any information of both colleges. Each college has its own focus of education, some of which would make the students richer and response more to the college.

As long as Appleby College could receive enough donations by the five-year reunion of its alumni, it totally needs not to shorten the period of holding alumni collection. There are other methods for this college to increase its alumni donations. It is also mentioned in the statement that Edelston’s alumni is treated to lecture or performance, which is not only suitable at the time of alumni reunion, but also any time is proper. They could formally invite an alumnus who is now very successful in his/her area and famous enough to attract the eyes of media to join a conference hosted by the college and give a lecture. Media will broadcast this news out all over the country; consequently other alumni would know about it and miss the college. Shortly after the conference, they might back to the college and donate. Miss need time to grow, so one year is too short. In my opinion, five years, just like the period Appleby College take to hold the alumni reunion, is appropriate.

ponponUID: 181304

This recommendation from the president of Appleby College tells one facet of the fact that the annual reunion has been the time and opportunity for Edelston College to receive most of its alumni donations. However, it is absolutely not enough for Appleby College to imitate and held annual reunions of alumni用absolutely来下结论是不感觉有点太绝对了

Firstly, Appleby College’s alumni may not be as rich as that of Edelston College. It is possible that Edelston College is famous of its education of business and finance. Most of the students who graduated from this college would find their job in financial companies and work as CEOs or other executives. For them, gathering together in their mother college and being treated to banquets is not only the best opportunity to enjoy the time with old classmates and teachers, but also they could get in touch with someone who could give them a hand in the future business. With the more-income job and better earning, it is reasonable for them to donate to the college during or shortly after the reunion.你说的这种情况即使在另一所学校也使用啊，他们也可以经常聚会总强联系的 However, those who graduated from Appleby College may work as the manager of libraries and get the much lower earning, because the major department of the college is Library Management. Although the above situation is just an assumption, the statement of the president does not provide any information of both colleges. Each college has its own focus of education, some of which would make the students richer and response more to the college.

As long as Appleby College could receive enough donations by the five-year reunion of its alumni, it totally needs not to shorten the period of holding alumni collection. There are other methods for this college to increase its alumni donations. It is also mentioned in the statement that Edelston’s alumni is treated to lecture or performance, which is not only suitable at the time of alumni reunion, but also any time is proper. They could formally invite an alumnus who is now very successful in his/her area and famous enough to attract the eyes of media to join a conference hosted by the college and give a lecture. Media will broadcastreport this news out去掉 all over the country; consequently other alumni would know about it and miss the college. Shortly after the conference, they might back to the college and donate. Miss need time to grow, so one year is too short. In my opinion, five years, just like the period Appleby College take to hold the alumni reunion, is appropriate.语言怪怪的，希望把miss这个词修改一下
理由其实挺不错的， 就是感觉不是很充分， 加油啊

touchparadiseUID: 197128

第二个提议确实很有道理，我当时想的内容似乎还和表达出来的东西有一些区别的，但可能就是因为英语表达以及语言组织上的问题以及薄弱，经常会出现一些把我的原意给岔开去的现象。另外是不是在写argument批驳别人的时候，自己也绝对不能发生absolutely这样的可能在逻辑上存在错误的现象啊？

chenxgUID: 183868

我觉得第一个理由写的还行，除了语言上觉得有一些不舒服外。
第二个理由也还不错，如果能够采用递进的语气进一步来说明就更好了。
如果我写的话，我会用以下的思路来说明。
（1）首先说明校友的富裕程度确实有所差异；
（2）假设即使学校知名度差不多，校友富裕程度无差异，仍然也存在着可能每一年的donation，加总五年的和可能也不如每五年的donation，对于追求donation 数量的学校来说这是非常重要的
（3）A学校也可以采用多做宣传类似于E学校的lecture和broadbrast的形式来扩大donation。
仅供参考

touchparadiseUID: 197128

说的不错！这样的三个理由的话就应该不错了。可能在写的时候太过于在意完成的时间了，第一次写有点手忙脚乱的。看来要先不惜时间的把它写好！谢谢

ponponUID: 181304

个人感觉, 绝对的词语，比如说absolutely, must..最好不要用，因为写了一些提纲你会发现，西方人的思想真的和我们不一样，明明我们看来没错，他们就一定能找出错误的！argument 本来有些就是鸡蛋挑骨头，也不知道我的想法对不？

touchparadiseUID: 197128

不过我觉得即使给我们一个小时写argument的时间，有时候也无法在充分论述的同时将逻辑错误和失误都给说清楚。可能只要找到一些，然后把这两三个给说充分了，说严格了，而且英语还写得不错的应该就是他们的考察的目的了。