Argument 48 (重要机经) 第二篇，谢谢大家，一定回改！

chenxgUID: 183868

48The following appeared in a newspaper article published in the country of Corpora.

"Twenty years ago, one half of all citizens in Corpora met the standards for adequate physical fitness as then defined by the national advisory board on physical fitness. Today, the board says that only one quarter of all citizens are adequately fit and suggests that spending too much time using computers may be the reason. But since overall fitness levels are highest in regions of Corpora where levels of computer ownership are also highest, it is clear that using computers has not made citizens less physically fit. Instead, as shown by this year's unusually low expenditures on fitness-related products and services, the recent decline in the economy is most likely the cause, and fitness levels will improve when the economy does."


The argument cites the fact that only quarter of all citizens are adequately fit the standards for adequate physical fitness rather than the fact that one half of all citizens in Corpora met the standards twenty years before. And points out that low expenditures on fitness- related products and services, then draws the conclusion that decline in the economy is most likely the cause that fitness levels decrease. The argument is unpersuasive on several grounds.

Fist of all, the article fails to assure me that the percent of fitness levels decreased is because of decline in economy. Probably the number of citizens in Corpora has changed during twenty years, however the absolute number of citizen, who meet the standards for adequate physical fitness, has been increasing. For example, twenty years ago, there are 10,000 citizens in Corpora, and the number of citizens meet the standards are 5,000; however, now there are 100,000 citizens in Corpora, and the number of citizens meet the standards are 25,000. It is possible that big migration has taken place, and some people come this place but these new citizens cannot meet the standard. What have happened does not means that economy declined.

Additionally, the article provides no evidence whether the standards for adequate physical fitness as defined by the national advisory board may have changed. It is possible that the standards were some indicators about height and weight twenty years ago, however the standards include blood pressure and heart disease and so on complicated indicators now. It is natural that the percent, which meet the standards, have decreased through more strict standards than before.

Moreover, without the relationship between fitness levels and levels of computer ownership, it is not enough to conclude that using computers has not made citizens less physically fit. It is possible that the survey cannot reflect the real relationship between fitness levels and levels of computer ownership. It needs some detailed experiment on computer ownership and their fitness levels.

Finally, even assuming that the population and the standards keep the same as twenty years ago, it is too hasty to draw the conclusion that the recent decline in the economy is most likely the cause just depend on the fact that low expenditures on fitness-related products and services. It is possible that citizens in Corpora are inclined to do some sports outdoors like running, which do not need to buy products and services. Furthermore, it is possible that the security of equipment on fitness-related products and services have some problems, therefore citizens refuse to do some exercise through these equipment. Consequently, the low expenditures on fitness-related products and services happened.

All in all, to support the conclusion, it would need to know much detailed information as following: whether the number of population in Corpora have changed; whether the standards for adequate physical fitness as then defined by the national advisory board on physical fitness have taken change; the preference of citizens.

除了第四段是后来补充的，剩下的都是限时完成的。第四段明明能够想到，可是如果限时的话最多能够写出主题句，没有时间进行完善。
大家看看吧，谢谢！

davidjackyUID: 135962

请你们结队改作文

https://bbs.gter.net/showthre ... 1273278#post1273278

chenxgUID: 183868

up

lunaticUID: 150745

The argument cites the fact that only quarter of all citizens are adequately fit the standards for adequate physical fitness rather than the fact that one half of all citizens in Corpora met the standards twenty years before. And[B](明显缺少主语啊，若是省略and前要用逗号)[/B]  points out that low expenditures on fitness- related products and services, then draws the conclusion that decline in the economy is most likely the cause[B]（缺of）[/B]  that fitness levels decrease. The argument is unpersuasive on several grounds.

Fist of all, the article fails to assure me that the percent of fitness levels decreased is[B]（is去掉 地道一些）[/B]  because of decline in economy. Probably the number of citizens in Corpora has changed during [B]（the last）[/B]  twenty years, however the absolute number of citizen, who meet the standards for adequate physical fitness, has been increasing. For example, twenty years ago, there are 10,000 citizens in Corpora, and the number of citizens meet the standards are 5,000; however, now there are 100,000 citizens in Corpora, and the number of citizens meet the standards are 25,000. It is possible that big migration has taken place, and some people come this place but these new citizens cannot meet the standard. What have happened does not means that economy declined.

Additionally, the article provides no evidence [B]（that不能省）[/B] whether the standards for adequate physical fitness as defined by the national advisory board may[B]（用了whether就不要用may了）[/B]  have changed. It is possible that the standards were some indicators[B]（我觉得用lines更好）[/B]  about height and weight twenty years ago, however the standards include blood pressure and heart disease and so on complicated indicators（lines which are not easy to arrive at） now. It is natural that the percent, which meet the standards, have decreased through more strict standards than before.

Moreover, without the relationship between fitness levels and levels of computer ownership, it is not enough to conclude that using computers has not made citizens less physically fit. It is possible that the survey cannot reflect the real relationship between [B]（levels of fitness and that of computer ownership是不是更好些）[/B] fitness levels and levels of computer ownership. It needs some detailed experiment on computer ownership and their fitness levels.

Finally, even assuming[B](别扭)[/B]  that the population and the standards keep the same as twenty years ago, it is too hasty to draw the conclusion that the recent decline in the economy is most likely the cause just depend on the fact that low expenditures on fitness-related products and services. It is possible that citizens in Corpora are inclined to do some sports outdoors like running, which do not need to buy products and services. Furthermore, it is possible that the security of equipment on fitness-related products and services have some problems, therefore citizens refuse to do some exercise through these equipment. Consequently, the low expenditures on fitness-related products and services happened.

All in all, to support the conclusion, it would need to know much detailed information as following: whether the number of population in Corpora have changed; whether the standards for adequate physical fitness as then defined by the national advisory board on physical fitness have taken [B]（a） [/B]  change; [B]（what about）[/B]  the preference of citizens.
1、第一段以人数作为驳斥点，我觉得并不是太好，因为评价一个地区的健康水平，用健康人数所占比例要比总人数更有说服力
2. Finally一段应该放在First of all那段后面，这样联系紧密，又有递进，虽然我不主张那个作为主要驳斥点
3. 很多表达不是很地道，我只能说看着别扭也不大会改
By the way，说的不对不要见笑，我的水平也不高，大家共同努力

chenxgUID: 183868

第一段我以人数作为驳斥点，主要是为了说明可能发生大的移民，从而和经济的发展没有多大关系。
Finally 那段，因为我需要standards没有发生改变的假设，所以我放在了最后一段。
无论如何，谢谢你的修改，能让我更加深刻思考。
我们以后互改一定！

lunaticUID: 150745

但给人的感觉是地段大段篇幅在说absolute number，移民只是一笔提过的可能性：）

帮我看看这篇吧
https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=250205

coweiliangUID: 195905

The argument cites the fact that only quarter of all citizens are adequately fit the standards for adequate physical fitness rather than the fact that one half of all citizens in Corpora met the standards twenty years before. And points  ？？？？ out that low expenditures on fitness- related products and services, then draws the conclusion that decline in the economy is most likely the cause that fitness levels decrease. The argument is unpersuasive on several grounds.(第一个rather than 表达得好像不太好)

Fist of all, the article fails to assure me that the percent percentage of fitness levels decreased is because of decline in economy. Probably the number of citizens in Corpora has changed during twenty years, however the absolute number of citizen, who meet the standards for adequate physical fitness, has been increasing. For example, twenty years ago, there are 10,000 citizens in Corpora, and the number of citizens meet the standards are 5,000; however, now there are 100,000 citizens in Corpora, and the number of citizens meet the standards are 25,000. It is possible that big migration has taken place, and some people come this place but these new citizens cannot meet the standard. What have happened does not means that economy declined.

Additionally, the article provides no evidence whether the standards for adequate physical fitness as defined by the national advisory board may have changed. It is possible that the standards were some indicators about height and weight twenty years ago, however the standards include blood pressure and heart disease and so on complicated indicators now. It is natural that the percent, which meet the standards, have decreased through more strict standards than before.

Moreover, without the relationship between fitness levels and levels of computer ownership, it is not enough to conclude that using computers has not made citizens less physically fit. It is possible that the survey cannot reflect the real relationship between fitness levels and levels of computer ownership. It needs some detailed experiment on computer ownership and their fitness levels.

Finally, even assuming that the population and the standards keep the same as twenty years ago,(这个assumption太牵强) it is too hasty to draw the conclusion that the recent decline in the economy is most likely to be the cause just depend on the fact that low expenditures on fitness-related products and services. It is possible that citizens in Corpora are inclined to do some sports outdoors like running, which do not need to buy products and services. Furthermore, it is possible that the security of equipment on fitness-related products and services have some problems, therefore citizens refuse to do some exercise through these equipment. Consequently, the low expenditures on fitness-related products and services happened.

All in all, to support the conclusion, it would need to know much detailed information as following: whether the number of population in Corpora have changed; whether the standards for adequate physical fitness as then defined by the national advisory board on physical fitness have taken change; the preference of citizens.

the author release an optimistic conclusion of the increase of the health level with the promise of the better economy situation. You can also concentrate on analyzing the unproved promise