Argument65 就要考试了，才写了这一篇，谁帮我看看吧～55

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昨晚写的，今天上午自己改了一下，重贴了上来

共用时间：77分39秒      411 words
从2005年2月6日19时46分到2005年2月6日21时03分
------题目------
The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.
'For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses.'
------正文------
The argument above suggests that the best way to improve profits of the stores is to discontinue stocking many of the varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses. This suggestion is based on the fact that domestic cheddar cheeses are best-selling in the newest store and the survey result made by Chesses of World magazine. It also refers to the ability of those stores to reduce expenses by limiting inventory. Though the argument seems to be logical at first glance, the arguer failed to consider other issues before making a decision.

First of all, it is true that the five best-selling cheeses at the newest store were all domestic cheeses, however, it only happened in the newest store during last year. How about the sell result in other older stores? Do we know how well will be the domestic cheeses sold this year or the next year? Maybe the domestic cheeses are sold best in the newest store while they are sold not so well in other stores. Or maybe it is just a occasional phenomena that in the past several years the imported cheeses are sold better than the domestic cheeses except the last year. There may remain a number of possibilities which cannot be provided by the sale report of the newest store during last year.

Moreover, the survey by Cheeses of the World magazine is made among the subscribers of this magazine. That is to say, the survey just presents the choice of those people and cannot provide the preference of all the consumers. Since the stores provide cheeses not only to the subscribers of the magazine but also to other people, the stastistics are not convictive.

Finally, no evidence shows that it can improve profits by discontinue stocking many of their varieties of imported cheese. It will lead to the decline of the profits from those cheeses which maybe far more than the expenses of inventory. Even it is true that there is a decreasing case of the imported cheeses, it is no need to stop stocking imported cheeses. There are still demands of imported cheeses, or the chain of stores may lose the market of imported cheese for the future. Thus, it will lower the whole profits of their stores. That is definitely not what the president wants to see.

Overall, the argument above points out the importance of domestic cheeses. However, the conclusion is indiscretion because of its neglect of the equal importance of imported cheeses. Before any final conclusions are reached, the arguer should consider other alternatives and do more specific research about the market of the two kinds of cheeses.

ivyshoulUID: 195537

The argument above suggests that the best way to improve profits of the stores is to discontinue stocking many of the varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses. This suggestion is based on the fact that domestic cheddar cheeses are best-selling in the newest store and the survey result made by Chesses of World magazine. It also refers to the ability of those stores to reduce expenses by limiting inventory. Though the argument seems to be logical at first glance, the arguer failed to consider other issues before making a decision.我觉得不要restate原文比较好,直接进入逻辑错误,还有关键是多留时间给后面的body.

First of all, it is true that the five best-selling cheeses at the newest store were all domestic cheeses, however, it only happened in the newest store during last year. How about the sell result in other older stores? Do we know how well will be the domestic cheeses sold this year or the next year? Maybe the domestic cheeses are sold best in the newest store while they are sold not so well in other stores. 为什么呢?有什么可能的原因么?Or maybe it happens to be like that in the past several years the imported cheeses are sold better than the domestic cheeses except the last year. There may remain a number of possibilities which cannot be provided by the sale report of the newest store during last year.

Moreover, the survey by Cheeses of the World magazine is made among the subscribers of this magazine. That is to say, the survey just presents the choice of those people and cannot provide the preference of all the consumers. Since the stores provide cheeses not only to the subscribers of the magazine but also to other people, the stastistics are only the reference rather than the basis of making decision.不具体,为什么subscriber不具有代表性?

Finally, discontinue stocking many of their varieties of imported cheese will lead to the decline of the profits from those cheeses which maybe far more than the expenses of inventory. Besides, by doing this, the chain of stores may lose the market of imported cheese for the future. Thus, it will lower the whole profits of their stores. That is definitely not what the president wants to see.

Overall, the argument above points out the importance of domestic cheeses. However, the conclusion is indiscretion because of its neglect of the equal importance of imported cheeses. Before any final conclusions are reached, the arguer should consider other alternatives and do more specific research about the market of the two kinds of cheeses.

头尾太长,body部分关键性错误都是知道的,但是很不具体

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多谢拍砖啊～～
好巧，刚才我也在给你改文章呢·呵呵：）

你改的是我昨晚的初稿吧，
我今天上午自己改了点
不过，看了你的建议，我觉得我写的的确太简单了，很多地方没有深入分析，我回头再改改～：）
真的很感激呢～～

最初由 ivyshoul 发布
[B]The argument above suggests that the best way to improve profits of the stores is to discontinue stocking many of the varieties of imported cheese and concentra..

以下省略...... [/B]