阿狗147 高频，老规矩：必回拍！（4月，group 1）

smartyrUID: 169453

Argument147  第8篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：30分1秒     438 words
从2005年2月19日10时20分到2005年2月19日10时30分
------题目------
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
'Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play svideo games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.'

------正文------
In the argument, the arguer concludes that the declined sales tendency of Whirlwind’s video games are likely to reverse itself, and increase dramatically in the next few months. To substantiate the conclusion, the author cites the result of a survey of the video-game players, who were asked what features they thought were most important in a video game. Meanwhile, the author pointed out that Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. On the surface, the argument seems to be sound, however, a close scrutiny of the argument will reveal how groundless the conclusion is.

In the first place, the survey on which the author’s assumption based should be ensured reliable enough, no matter in statistic or randomly selective respects. Since the argument makes a claim about video-game players in general, the player sampled in the survey should be able to represent all players. And any decision should be based on the more thorough investigation to gather sufficient data, such as the status of the age, gender, profession, and income distribution of the respondents, in order to narrow down and locate the virtual cause of the problems. Also, we find no sign of such procedures for random sampling and have every reason to doubt that the sample is representative enough to represent the general attitudes of the all the players. In addition, the arguer ignores the fact that respondent of the survey may be not the players who the extensive advertising campaign targets. Therefore, the author cannot rule out the possibility that the people aged 10 to 25 may not be attracted by the futures which be considered as the most important factors in video games.

In the second place, the argument bases a conclusion that is known to require many factors on the evidence that bears upon only one of those conditions. Unless the author can convince us that lacking of the lifelike graphics of the earlier games serves as the mere cause for the decline in the last two years, may do we believe the decline will be reversed. Yet, the author cannot rule out many other factors, which may be are more important in determining the sales decline. For instance, the earlier games failed to provide exciting plot; the price of the games are much higher than their counterpart, which undermines Whirlwind’s competition; or the ineffective management of the company, etc.

In addition, the arguer ignores the fact that the people aged 10 to 25 are not independent as far as the economy condition is concerned. As a matter of fact, many of them are students in this age stage. Even though the exciting video games can be capable of focusing their interesting, the brutal fact faces up to us is that can hardly afford to it. Given that they could afford to buy it, the parents would never be tolerant to see their children indulging in the video games which would beyond all doubt interfere with the children’s academic education. Therefore, the claim that sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the following months will not be convincing.

Finally, given that the people aged 10 to 25 could afford to the video game and their parents would not interfere, the arguer should have to demonstrate that everyone afford the most up-to-date computers that the video games require. After all, few children with rich background could afford to it. Thus, the sales of this video games cannot substantially ensured.

In conclusion, the argument is not well reasoned as it stands. To make the argument more convincing, the author would have to make clear what the problem is. To better assess the argument, the author also should provide concrete evidence to ensure the survey more persuasive and scientific enough to present all the video game enthusiasts.

smartyrUID: 169453

自己up一下！1

鬼谷子UID: 159645

我来吻一下

smartyrUID: 169453

谢谢斑竹
:)

鬼谷子UID: 159645

No.1 阿狗147 高频，老规矩：必回拍！（4月，group 1）
Argument147 第8篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户 共用时间：30分1秒 438 words
从2005年2月19日10时20分到2005年2月19日10时30分
------题目------
The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.
'Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play svideo games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months.'

------正文------
In the argument, the arguer concludes that the declined sales tendency of Whirlwind’s video games are likely to reverse itself, and increase dramatically in the next few months. To substantiate the conclusion, the author cites the result of a survey of the video-game players, who were asked what features they thought were most important in a video game. Meanwhile, the author pointed out that Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. 【这么长都是restate】On the surface, the argument seems to be sound, however, a close scrutiny of the argument will reveal how groundless the conclusion is. 【太模板化的开头，自己的观点没说出来】

In the first place, the survey on which the author’s assumption based should be ensured reliable enough, no matter in statistic or randomly selective respects. Since the argument makes a claim about video-game players in general, the player sampled in the survey should be able to represent all players. And any decision should be based on the more thorough investigation to gather sufficient data, such as the status of the age, gender, profession, and income distribution of the respondents, in order to narrow down and locate the virtual cause of the problems. Also, we find no sign of such procedures for random sampling and have every reason to doubt that the sample is representative enough to represent the general attitudes of the all the players. In addition, the arguer ignores the fact that respondent of the survey may be not the players who the extensive advertising campaign targets. Therefore, the author cannot rule out the possibility that the people aged 10 to 25 may not be attracted by the futures which be considered as the most important factors in video games. 【反驳不够有力，有些地方罗嗦，而有些地方没有很好的支持，更具体一点会好些】

In the second place, the argument bases a conclusion that is known to require many factors on the evidence that bears upon only one of those conditions. Unless the author can convince us that lacking of the lifelike graphics of the earlier games serves as the mere cause for the decline in the last two years, may do we believe the decline will be reversed. Yet, the author cannot rule out many other factors, which may be are more important in determining the sales decline. 【前面这些内容可以简练一点，而把笔墨多放在反例上面】 For instance, the earlier games failed to provide exciting plot; the price of the games are much higher than their counterpart, which undermines Whirlwind’s competition; or the ineffective management of the company, etc.

In addition, the arguer ignores the fact that the people aged 10 to 25 are not independent as far as the economy condition is concerned. As a matter of fact, many of them are students in this age stage. Even though the exciting video games can be capable of focusing their interesting, the brutal fact faces up to us is that can hardly afford to【去掉】 it. Given that they could afford to buy it, the parents would never be tolerant to see their children indulging in the video games which would beyond all doubt interfere with the children’s academic education. Therefore, the claim that sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the following months will not be convincing.

Finally, given that the people aged 10 to 25 could afford to the video game and their parents would not interfere, the arguer should have to demonstrate that everyone afford the most up-to-date computers that the video games require. After all, few children with rich background could afford to it. Thus, the sales of this video games cannot substantially ensured.

In conclusion, the argument is not well reasoned as it stands. To make the argument more convincing, the author would have to make clear what the problem is. To better assess the argument, the author also should provide concrete evidence to ensure the survey more persuasive and scientific enough to present all the video game enthusiasts.
【基本问题都找出来了，不过如何更有力的反驳，更合理的论述上面需要进一步的加强。加油！】

comingsoonUID: 175137

In the argument, the arguer concludes that the declined sales tendency of Whirlwind’s video games are likely to reverse itself, and increase dramatically in the next few months. To substantiate the conclusion, the author cites the result of a survey of the video-game players, who were asked what features they thought were most important in a video game. Meanwhile, the author pointed out that Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. On the surface, the argument seems to be sound, however, a close scrutiny of the argument will reveal how groundless the conclusion is.
其实开头不一定要全部复述一遍，只要大概的说明一下即可。

In the first place, the survey on which the author’s assumption based should be ensured reliable enough, no matter in statistic or randomly selective respects. Since the argument makes a claim about video-game players in general, the player sampled in the survey should be able to represent all players the survey respondents should be broad enough to represent all the players. And any decision should be based on the more thorough investigation to gather sufficient data, such as the status of the age, gender, profession, and income distribution of the respondents, in order to narrow down and locate the virtual cause of the problems. Also, we find no sign of such procedures for random sampling and have every reason to doubt that the sample is representative enough to represent the general attitudes of the all the players 这句话没看懂. In addition, the arguer ignores the fact that respondent of the survey may be not the players who 少了什么吧? the extensive advertising campaign targets. Therefore, the author cannot rule out the possibility that the people aged 10 to 25 may not be attracted by the futures futures???期货? which be considered as the most important factors in video games.

In the second place, the argument bases a conclusion that is known to require many factors on the evidence that bears upon only one of those conditions …这句话又没有看懂…. Unless the author can convince us that lacking of the lifelike graphics of the earlier games serves as the mere cause for the decline in the last two years, may do we believe the decline will be reversed. Yet, the author cannot rule out many other possible factors, which may be are may be are??? more important in determining the sales decline. For instance, the earlier games failed to provide exciting plot; the price of the games are much higher than their counterparts, which undermines Whirlwind’s competition; or the ineffective management of the company, etc.

In addition, the arguer ignores the fact that the people aged 10 to 25 are not independent as far as 这个连词好像不太对劲,since？ the economy condition is concerned. As a matter of fact, many of them them指代谁 are students in this age stage. Even though the exciting video games can be capable of focusing their interesting attentions, the brutal 残忍的事实？？？汗… fact faces up to us is that 主语？ can hardly afford to it. Given that they could afford to buy it, the parents would never be tolerant to see their children indulging in the video games which would beyond all doubt interfere with the children’s academic education. Therefore, the claim that sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the following months will not be convincing.

Finally, 可以换种说法, even if … given that the people aged 10 to 25 could afford to 没有to the video game and their parents would not interfere intervene, the arguer should have to demonstrate should provide sufficient evidence to demonstrate that everyone could afford the most up-to-date computers that the video games require. After all, few children with rich background rich background是什么意思？ could afford to it. Thus, the sales of this these video games cannot substantially ensured.

In conclusion, the argument is not well reasoned as it stands. To make the argument more convincing, the author would have to make clear what the problem is. To better assess the argument, the author also should provide concrete evidence to ensure the survey more persuasive and scientific enough to present all the video game enthusiasts.

smartyrUID: 169453

最初由 鬼谷子 发布
[B]No.1 阿狗147 高频，老规矩：必回拍！（4月，group 1）
Argument147 第8篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户 共用时间：30分1秒..

以下省略...... [/B]这么长都是restate

鬼鬼呀，我的阿狗的开头是新东方上课是老师教的步骤，我自己觉的也是太罗嗦；但是老外的范文中的开头大部分也是如此！
看了你的6分开头也觉得很有道理，所以现在很迷茫！！ :(

鬼谷子UID: 159645

我觉得你可以看看so猫的argu开头，我觉得挺好的