Argument6 第4篇 帮忙看看吧，谢谢！24小时内必回拍！

xin320UID: 165608

Argument6  第4篇 帮忙看看吧，谢谢！24小时内必回拍！
------摘要------
作者：xin320     共用时间：33分14秒     477 words
从2005年2月23日7时30分到2005年2月23日8时33分
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The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
'A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money.'
------正文------
In this application, the arguer predicts that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously pofitable enterprise, thus the bank should give the applyer a small business loan. This prediction based on the fact that the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away. In addition, to justify this argument, the arguer pionts out there are many jazz fans in Monroe by the statistics of attendence to monroe's jazz festival last summer and the radio rateing about the jazz program.
In the first place, the arguer unfairly assumes that the distance is the only decided factor for the jazz fan to chose a jazz club. Common sense tells us, however, the quality of the club's service also plays a important role. The arguer obviously overlool such factor. Even if jazz fans will satisfied with the service of the new jazz club, the arguer fails proves that there are really many jazz fans in Monroe. The mere statistics that over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer warrants only that there many people attended the jazz festival. The arguer tells us nothing about the sitting rate and how many percentage of 100,000 account in the total people in Monroe. If the sitting rate or the percentage is very small, the statistics fails lend strong support to the aruger's view.
In the second place, the arguer simplly equates the fact that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe with the fact that there are many jazz fans in Monroe. It is very likely the jazz musicians lives in Monroe just because the environment of Monroe is fit for them to living. Moveover, without knowing the radion program condition of Monroe, we could not accept the conclusion that the jazz is very popular in Monroe through the fact that the jazz program is the highest-rated radio program.
Last but not least inportant, granted that there are really many jazz fans in Monroe, the arguer fails to proves that they have enough money to spend on jazz. The data offered about the typical jazz fan's spending on jazz could not  ensure the same money will be spended in Monroe. The jazz fans in Monroe are perhaps very poor.
In additoin, even if the jazz fans in Monroe have many money, they are very likely spends their moeny on buy jazz CD rather than go to jazz club. The arguer also overlooks it is the credity of the applyer playing a key role to decide if a loan will be given. Without and information of the applyer's credity, although the jazz club will make money, should the load will be given is open to doubt.
All in all, the arguer fails to prove that building a new jazz music club in Monroe will really have profits. Without giving more concrete evidence to demonstrate this point, we hardly could accept the argument.

lawrence1984UID: 178326

No.1 Argument6 第4篇 帮忙看看吧，谢谢！24小时内必回拍！
Argument6 第4篇 帮忙看看吧，谢谢！24小时内必回拍！
------摘要------
作者：xin320 共用时间：33分14秒 477 words
从2005年2月23日7时30分到2005年2月23日8时33分
------题目------
The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
'A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money.'
------正文------
In this application, the arguer predicts that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously pofitable enterprise, thus the bank should give the applyer(appplicant) a small business loan. This prediction based on the fact that the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away. In addition, to justify this argument, the arguer pionts out there are many jazz fans in Monroe by the statistics (确定用by吗？）of attendence to monroe's jazz festival last summer and the radio rateing(rating) about the jazz program.
In the first place, the arguer unfairly assumes that the distance is the only decided factor for the jazz fan to chose a jazz club. Common sense tells us, however, the quality of the club's service also plays a(an) important role. The arguer obviously overlool(overlooks) such (a)factor. Even if jazz fans will satisfied with the service of the new jazz club, the arguer fails(to) proves(prove) that there are really many jazz fans in Monroe. The mere statistics that over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer warrants only that there many people attended the jazz festival. The arguer tells us nothing about the sitting rate and how many percentage of 100,000 account in the total people in Monroe. If the sitting rate or the percentage is very small, the statistics fails (to)lend strong support to the aruger's view.这段的论证还可以加强，很好！
In the second place, the arguer simplly equates the fact that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe with the fact that there are many jazz fans in Monroe. It is very likely（确定这个用法吗？very 修饰likely) the jazz musicians lives in Monroe just because the environment of Monroe is fit for them to living. Moveover, without knowing the radion program condition of Monroe, we could not accept the conclusion that the jazz is very popular in Monroe through the fact that the jazz program is the highest-rated radio program(这一段的论证不够有力，理由牵强）.
Last but not least inportant（用加important 吗？）, granted that there are really many jazz fans in Monroe, the arguer fails to proves that they have enough money to spend on jazz. The data offered about the typical jazz fan's spending on jazz could not ensure the same money will be spended in Monroe.（这句话是不是可以这样改：the data offered about a typical jazz fan's spending does not ensure that jazz fans in Monroe will also be inclined to spend the same amount of money rather than less than 1000$ ) The jazz fans in Monroe are perhaps very poor.
In additoin, even if the jazz fans in Monroe have many(a lot of ) money, they are very likely (to)spends (spend)their moeny on buy(buying) jazz CD rather than go to jazz club. The arguer also overlooks (that) it is the credity(credibility) of the applyer(applicant) playing a key role to decide (on deciding)if a loan will be given. Without and(是any 吧） information of the applyer's （applicant)credity, although the jazz club will make money, should the load will be given is open to doubt.
All in all, the arguer fails to prove that building a new jazz music club in Monroe will really have profits. Without giving more concrete evidence to demonstrate this point, we hardly could accept the argument.这篇argument总体来说不是很理想，论证不够有力，而且论证的思路不是很清晰，在段落的安排上应该尽量一段有力的攻击一个错误。或者你这样写是为了出新意。另外还应注意减少低级失误。

xin320UID: 165608

n this application, the arguer predicts that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously pofitable enterprise, thus the bank should give the applyer(appplicant) a small business loan. This prediction based on the fact that the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away. In addition, to justify this argument, the arguer pionts out there are many jazz fans in Monroe by the statistics (确定用by吗？）或者用through吧，不确定of attendence to monroe's jazz festival last summer and the radio rateing(rating)改的对 about the jazz program.
In the first place, the arguer unfairly assumes that the distance is the only decided factor for the jazz fan to chose a jazz club. Common sense tells us, however, the quality of the club's service also plays a(an) 改的对important role. The arguer obviously overlool(overlooks)overlools such (a)factor. Even if jazz fans will satisfied with the service of the new jazz club, the arguer fails(to) proves(prove)当时写漏了，看来最后检查一遍很必要 that there are really many jazz fans in Monroe. The mere statistics that over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer warrants only that there many people attended the jazz festival. The arguer tells us nothing about the sitting rate and how many percentage of 100,000 account in the total people in Monroe. If the sitting rate or the percentage is very small, the statistics fails (to)lend strong support to the aruger's view.这段的论证还可以加强，很好！
In the second place, the arguer simplly equates the fact that several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe with the fact that there are many jazz fans in Monroe. It is very likely（确定这个用法吗？very 修饰likely)我在作文书上见过类似的用法 the jazz musicians lives in Monroe just because the environment of Monroe is fit for them to living. Moveover, without knowing the radion program condition of Monroe, we could not accept the conclusion that the jazz is very popular in Monroe through the fact that the jazz program is the highest-rated radio program(这一段的论证不够有力，理由牵强）我觉得也是不太好，我等着看看你的错误点找的怎么样.
Last but not least inportant（用加important 吗？）我见过别人类似的用法，我不是很确定，以后也不这样用了，比较危险, granted that there are really many jazz fans in Monroe, the arguer fails to proves that they have enough money to spend on jazz. The data offered about the typical jazz fan's spending on jazz could not ensure the same money will be spended in Monroe.（这句话是不是可以这样改：the data offered about a typical jazz fan's spending does not ensure that jazz fans in Monroe will also be inclined to spend the same amount of money前边的说得好 rather than less than 1000$ 这用的好像反了吧？意思：而不是少于1000？) The jazz fans in Monroe are perhaps very poor.
In additoin, even if the jazz fans in Monroe have many(a lot of )我把可数不可数搞错了 money, they are very likely (to)tospends (spend)唉，时态老错，还是写的少改的也少啊their moeny moneyon buy(buying) buyingjazz CD rather than go to jazz club. The arguer also overlooks (that) it is the credity(credibility)名词化错误 of the applyer(applicant) 名词化错误playing a key role to decide (on deciding)if a loan will be given. Without and(是any 吧） information of the applyer's （applicant)credity, although the jazz club will make money, should the load will be given is open to doubt.
All in all, the arguer fails to prove that building a new jazz music club in Monroe will really have profits. Without giving more concrete evidence to demonstrate this point, we hardly could accept the argument.这篇argument总体来说不是很理想，论证不够有力，而且论证的思路不是很清晰，在段落的安排上应该尽量一段有力的攻击一个错误。或者你这样写是为了出新意。另外还应注意减少低级失误。低级错误的确很多，简单的时态错误，可数不可数以及拼写，很多都是自己可以发现的，还有一些名词化的错误。需要好好总结，下次一定改正。我也知道应该一段以一个错误为主，可是攻击的展开不容易，后边好好学习一下范文和写得比较好的文章可能会好些。多谢你的指点。总结上边的问题主要有1.拼写，时态，单复数和名词化的低级错误（改正方法：加快打字速度，有时间检查可以改正过来）
2.每段的对一个错误的攻击的展开，使对一个错误的攻击更有力（改正方法：看范文和大家优秀文章看如何展开攻击的，多积累些词汇）
主要错误就以上2点吧，感谢你的建议。希望你能提出进一步的改进方法。