ISSUE30 同主题，还有10天就考了，必回拍！

sblbaslerUID: 175229

早晨6点刚来电就爬起来写了，不知道为什么自己都觉得写的恶心，这几天也真倒霉，自己觉得写的不错的没人改，竟然看都没人看，我可给别人改了好多呀（虽然不是说目的就是让人给我改）晕！今天这篇说不出来怎么的，觉得在用词上太。。。。太幼稚，无聊，简单，句子写的也不够多样，例子也不好，逻辑？？？（我有么？小声问自己一下）真的自己写完自己都懒的看（刚吃晚早饭怕浪费了）只能虐待一下word检查了一下拼写，呵呵。唉！还有10天就考了，心里面怪怪的，大家帮我看看吧，必回拍（拍人其实也是中享受嘛，特别是在心情不好的时候，呵呵我准备好了，来吧）

sblbaslerUID: 175229

Issue30  第X篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：44分24秒     584 words
从2005年3月5日7时0分到2005年3月5日7时44分
------题目------
The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.
------正文------
Widespread of technology has been one of the greatest sources of social change in the roaring 20th century, it influenced the course of industrialization, changed the faces of cities, helped us release from the drudgery of manual chores and labor in the end increase people's efficiency. Thus there exists a popular belief that the primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time. Opponents, however, are not rare, and I advocate that technological advancement did increase people's efficiency rather make everyone have more leisure time.

After the breakthrough in the scientific field in the very inception of 20th century, came great amount of change in the way we work, great amount of diversifications in the manner we behave, great amount of movements in the life we witness, in the end great amount of increase of efficiency. Students could sit at home and before the computer to search what he or she needs most rather eat and sleep in the library all day long; workers could sit before the computer to control the process of manufacturing; drivers of trains could sleep during the way of travel due to the varied Position Systems; Farmers could never drudge at the plantation with his or her hands but only manipulate the labor----saving machinery, which contributed to a more educated populace, liberated from the drudgery.  We are, by events and facts, led to come to one conclusion that technological advancement increase the efficiency in almost every aspects in the world of life.

It seems that everyone deserves a more leisure time than before with the help of the great technological advancement. Unfortunately, things altered once more. Look around, and one will not so surprised that everyone is accelerating his or her peace of life and at the same time reducing the leisure time. Students are lucky for they cold never be worried about the information for their study owning to the internet, however, never could they take the alleged reduced time in playing in the stations for the have to deal with surprisingly great amount of information; workers are "beatific" for they hardly need to approach the field of industrialization, however hardly could they enjoy the beautiful life before the computer, for they have to finish what 10 workers accomplished before; drivers are happy for they hardly need to be nervous during the way for considering emergency, however hardly could they really sleep, in the realistic world they have to sometimes act more than a driver, maybe a conductor as well; Farmers are fortunate for they hardly fear that they will miss the time of insemination and harvest, however impossible could they live life with his or her grandsons and granddaughters all day long without any worry for they have to gain more lands in face of the increasing population and the hard but realistic life. Also no one will feel it weird that without returning home for lunch people increasingly frequently wait in the queen for the fast food. All the witness a trend that with the more and more advanced technology we are, unluckily, led to a increasingly busy time and life. I

In sum, maybe it is the reality of life that forces us discard the leisure time in the life; maybe it is the competition of life that makes technology change its intention; maybe it is we ourselves that jeopardize the intended beautiful picture of life, all in all, however, technology makes us be crazy rather calm

天晴了UID: 201592

占了 粗看一眼 觉得没那么惨啊～～

深谷幽兰UID: 196550

楼主,偶就给你拍过呢!
你的链接做得不好,用起来麻烦.
考前是没时间拍了.加油!

Mars3000UID: 198477

呵呵
先占个座 :)

r0tUID: 202195

Since you left 10 days only, so please do not mind I speak directly.
I am afraid this issuse is far from reaching any point of the requirement.

To begin with, numerous words are used improperly as you have said. However I wander if you really realize this pressing problem. For instance, consider this sentence you made: "Farmers could never drudge at the plantation with his or her hands but only manipulate the labor----saving machinery, which contributed to a more educated populace, liberated from the drudgery. " First, "could never" means they are disable or lack this capability; "with his or her hands"  might be "in person". "but only" perhaps you are going to say "instead of".  "liberated" better use "emancipate"  Second, the structure of this sentence make me so confused. Althought I know what you are trying to say here, it is not clear.

Second , The issue lack logical coherence overall. I am afraid the topic and final paragraph have little to do anymore with your argument. Actually, the purposes of these two paragraph are intend to indicate and conclude the chief idea of your issue to others. You can search my pervious comments for " 深谷幽兰"  which I made a clear explanation about begining and end paragraph.

Final, and the most importantly,  the example used in your issue --Workers, Students, and Fammers' benefits from technology-- is not paradigmatic and representative, and what wrose, It reveals your poor expression in English. Try to recite or even rote some examples before test, which will help your illustration a lot.

It seems to me it is impossible to form a sophisticated issue in only 45 minutes without reciting some template and examples brefore hand for our chinese students. Thus, take it easy and read more. :p

Mars3000UID: 198477

Widespread of technology <has been>was? one of the greatest sources of social change in the roaring 20th century,这里出现窜句了 it influenced the course of industrialization, changed the faces of cities, helped us release from the drudgery of manual chores and labor in the end increase people's efficiency. Thus there exists a popular belief that the primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time. Opponents, however, are not rare, and I advocate that technological advancement did increase people's efficiency rather make everyone have more leisure time.  这个题目似乎涵盖两层意思：进步的目的是高效，以便高效带来更多业余时间；兄台这么写好象将高效与更多闲暇时间列为同一层次了，不知说的对否

After the breakthrough in the scientific field in the very inception of 20th century, came great amount of change in the way we work, great amount of diversifications in the manner we behave, great amount of movements in the life we witness, in the end great amount of increase of efficiency. Students could sit at home and beforein front of?真不知before对不对，还要请教兄台 the computer to search what <he or she> theyneeds most rather eat and sleep in the library all day long; workers could sit before the computer to control the process of manufacturing; drivers of trains could sleep during the way of travel due to the varied Position Systems; Farmers could never drudge at the plantation with his or her hands but only manipulate the labor----saving machinery, which contributed to a more educated populace, liberated from the drudgery. <We are, by events and facts, led to come to> 其实主动语态反而简洁by---,we come to one conclusion that technological advancement increase the efficiency in almost every aspects in the world of life.这段的论证上的一个问题是，题目提出的是科技进步的核心目的是什么，强调的是目的，而不是科技带来的某种现象，比如说兄台这里论证的高效率，在这方面似乎没有做出明确回应

It seems that everyone deserves a more leisure time than before with the help of the great technological advancement. Unfortunately, things altered once more. Look around, and one will not beso surprised that everyone is accelerating his or her peace of life and at the same time reducing the leisure time. Students are lucky for they cold never be worried about the information for their study owning to the internet, however, never could they take the alleged reduced time in playing in the stations for the have to deal with surprisingly great amount of information; workers are "beatific" for they hardly need to approach the field of industrialization, however hardly could they enjoy the beautiful life before the computer, for they have to finish what 10 workers accomplished before; drivers are happy for they hardly need to be nervous during the way for considering emergency, however hardly could they really sleep, 出现窜句了in the realistic world they have to sometimes act more than a driver, maybe a conductor as well; Farmers are fortunate for they hardly fear that they will miss the time of insemination and harvest, however impossible could they live life with his or her grandsons and granddaughters all day long without any worry for they have to gain more lands in face of the increasing population and the hard but realistic life. Also no one will feel it weird that without returning home for lunch people increasingly frequently wait in the queen for the fast food. All the witness a trend that with the more and more advanced technology we are, unluckily, led to a increasingly busy time and life. 看的出老兄对排比情有独钟啊，每段都大量运用，确实比较震撼，气势恢宏啊。不过不知是否有些略长，看得出有些词汇也是故意重复的，小弟才疏学浅，不知这样好还是变换一下好，还请兄台指点。

In sum, maybe it is the reality of life that forces us discard the leisure time in the life; maybe it is the competition of life that makes technology change its intention; maybe it is we ourselves that jeopardize the intended beautiful picture of life, all in all, however, technology makes us be crazy rather calm

惊叹于兄台文章丰富的词汇和磅礴的气势，小弟这方面差距甚大。
老兄的论证方式也与别家不同，不似别人般照着三段论反复说理，而是显得比较写意随便。优点是读起来显得比较舒服，更能引起读者兴趣，不足体现在论证深度上可能会略欠缺一些。
再有排比虽好，但过分应用总会给人厌烦之感，同时也会显得兄台的修辞手法过于单一。看得出老兄是对其过于钟情，难以割舍了。 :D

对题目的理解和兄台有些差别，兄台如果认为有值得借鉴的地方就再考虑一下。

这次学习，受益匪浅，这里先行谢了。

davidjackyUID: 135962

Widespread of technology has been one of the greatest sources of social change in the roaring 20th century, it influenced the course of industrialization, changed the faces of cities, helped us release from the drudgery of manual chores and labor in the end increaseimproved people's efficiency. Thus there exists a popular belief that the primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time. Opponents, however, are not rare, and I advocate that technological advancement did increase people's efficiency rather make everyone have more leisure time.背景开头，提出TA增加效率但是没有增加人们的leisure time

After the breakthroughbreakthroughs in the scientific field in the very inception of 20th century, came great amount of change in the way we work, great amount of diversifications in the manner we behave, great amount of movements in the life we witness, in the end great amount of increase of efficiency. Students could sit at home and before the computer to search what he or she needs most rather eat and sleep in the library all day long; workers could sit before the computer to control the process of manufacturing; drivers of trains could sleep during the way of travel due to the varied Position Systems; Farmers could never drudge at the plantation with his or her hands but only manipulate the labor----saving machinery, which contributed to a more educated populace, liberated from the drudgery. We are, by events and facts, led to come to one conclusion that technological advancement increase the efficiency in almost every aspects in the world of life.
词句很好，排比比较有气势，但是这段有个明显的问题，总结到最后是technical advancement提高efficiency，但是你的例子并没有指出提高效率，比说如坐在电脑前和图书馆的学生比较、control the process of manufacturing的工人、可以在开车时睡觉的drivers等等，并没有明显的说清效率的提高，你说呢？
It seems that everyone deserves a more leisure time than before with the help of the great technological advancement. Unfortunately, things altered once more.一个转折讲出自己的心声 Look around, and one will not so surprised that everyone is accelerating his or her peace of life and at the same time reducing the leisure time. Students are lucky for they cold never be worried about the information for their study owning to the internet, however, never could they take the alleged reduced time in playing in the stations for the have to deal with surprisingly great amount of information; workers are "beatific" for they hardly need to approach the field of industrialization, however hardly could they enjoy the beautiful life before the computer, for they have to finish what 10 workers accomplished before; drivers are happy for they hardly need to be nervous during the way for considering emergency, however hardly could they really sleep, in the realistic world they have to sometimes act more than a driver, maybe a conductor as well; Farmers are fortunate for they hardly fear that they will miss the time of insemination and harvest, however impossible could they live life with his or her grandsons and granddaughters all day long without any worry for they have to gain more lands in face of the increasing population and the hard but realistic life. Also no one will feel it weird that without returning home for lunch people increasingly frequently wait in the queen for the fast food. All the witness a trend that with the more and more advanced technology we are, unluckily, led to a increasingly busy time and life.坦白的说，句式过于单一，全文这样的句子太多了，好好总结一下，试着作些改变，好吗？

In sum, maybe it is the reality of life that forces us discard the leisure time in the life; maybe it is the competition of life that makes technology change its intention; maybe it is we ourselves that jeopardize the intended beautiful picture of life, all in all, however, technology makes us be crazy rather calm
文章的分析并不是十分的到位，例子欠缺火候，希望能够好好努力，在关键的时候咬牙挺过去，祝楼主顺利，真的好久没见你发文了