issue30 同主题 看看结构吧

nashaUID: 175030

------题目------
The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time.

立场：科技进步的主要目的是提高人类的效率，健康状况以及日常生活质量。但是，它也给部分人带来了负面影响，比如说使得一部分人更忙碌。
A、In retrospect, human has strived to make great progress of technology for the purpose of improving human's efficiency to the maximum, thus the pursuit of the greatest of efficiency has become the basic aim for technology.（举例，电报，电话，交通工具，工业化大生产）
B、Aside from increasing people's efficiency, the advances in technology have ameliorated the health condition（治愈以往被认为是绝症的流感，肺炎，鼠疫，移植器官或人造器官） and living quality as a whole. （，家庭主妇不用花大量时间做家务，周末可以到更远的地方旅游）
C、Nevertheless, technology inevitably leads to some side effects to human being. （例子1：美国硅谷的工作人员迫于市场压力被剥夺了休息时间；例子2：学生在上网查资料时有可能浪费大量时间）
结尾：人们好更好利用科技成果，而不被其束缚。

------正文------
It is true that the primary goal of technological advancement is to increase human's efficiency, health condition and living quality as well. However, the advances in technology has also bring about a fraction of people a side effect—leading to a more engaged life style than ever, for example.

In retrospect, human has strived to make great progress of technology for the purpose of improving human's efficiency to the maximum, thus the pursuit of the greatest of efficiency has become the basic aim for technology. For example, scientists invented telegram, telephone to convey information as soon as possible and product all kinds of vehicle to reach the far-away spot than ever, making the global economy and cultural communication possible in modern times. Also, the inventory of all kinds of machinery has turned the agricultural society into an industrial society, boosting the people's efficiency to a highest level ever. Imagining that only a few persons are able to engineer the whole product processes in a textile industry, while it usually needs a bulk of workers back to agricultural society. It is, in fact, the technological advancement that contributes to these achievements, which grants human the utmost efficiency ever.

Aside from increasing people's efficiency, the advances in technology have ameliorated the health condition and living quality as a whole. Take the health condition of human being for example, many people worldwide has been suffered and died from a myriad of horrible diseases, such as flu, pneumonia, plague and the like, regarded as incurable diseases in eighteen century. Such diseases, however, can be healed in a short time due to the development of technological advancement in medical area, and even some diseases can be prevented by injecting a certain immune remedy. Moreover, recent progresses in surgery area have rescued countless patients whose organs are inefficient by replanting new organs or replacing artificial organs. It can not be denied that innovation resulting from technological achievement has significantly facilitated human’s physical condition.

As far as the quotidian living, human has never enjoyed such a colorful and leisure times brought about by the sheer number and types of technological products that are available today, such as television, digital camera, air-conditioning, washing machine, mobile phone etc.. Housewives need not spend a majority of time to wash bowls, clothes due to the apparatus designed for house cleaning. Meanwhile, a family is able enjoy a relaxed weekend in a place far way from their homes owning to all kinds of vehicles. Technology does confer human more leisure time along with more conveniences and comforts.

Nevertheless, technology inevitably leads to some side effects to human being. While it has increased people's efficiency, it also has made people, particularly in metropolis, under great pressure and deprived them of leisure time than ever. For example, US employees working in Silicon Valley seem to be the persons who have the access to the greatest technological advancement-computer; however, they have been forced to work at even weekends in order to maintain their dominance in computer markets, where the update in either hardware and software is significantly swift. And thus they are divested of all leisure time by the technological advancement and became the slaves of technology to some extent.

Another problem is concerned with our studies at college life. Students have easily access to Internet in research of material for their homework, however, it is common that after a whole day, what they found is a bulk of worthless material, or at least they has wasted half of a day to find out material beneficial to their work. Thus, it is apparent that we have lost more time on technological advancement, rather than enjoyed more leisure time.

In conclusion, advancements in technology have provided people with a myriad of merits in increasing their efficiency, ameliorating their health condition as well as improving their living standard. Unfortunately, it also removed human’s leisure time. Therefore, humans should learn to take advantage of the achievements in technology properly and make it serve them furthest without being enfettered by these advances either.

鬼谷子UID: 159645

------正文------
It is true that the primary goal of technological advancement is to increase human's efficiency, health condition and living quality as well. However, the advances in technology has also bring about a fraction of people a side effect—leading to a more engaged life style than ever, for example.  【开头不错，简洁而有力，重要的内容都包括了，一点废话都没有，赞一个】

In retrospect, human has strived to make great progress of technology for the purpose of improving human's efficiency to the maximum, thus the pursuit of the greatest of efficiency has become the basic aim for technology.   【这个因果似乎不是很好，因和果都是你说出来的，而且，这个因不是一个很明显的客观事实】For example, scientists invented telegram, telephone to convey information as soon as possible and product all kinds of vehicle to reach the far-away spot than ever, making the global economy and cultural communication possible in modern times. Also, the inventory of all kinds of machinery has turned the agricultural society into an industrial society, boosting the people's efficiency to a highest level ever. Imagining that only a few persons are able to engineer the whole product processes in a textile industry, while it usually needs a bulk of workers back to agricultural society. It is, in fact, the technological advancement that contributes to these achievements, which grants human the utmost efficiency ever.  【就few people那个比较多说一点，然后比较一下得出more efficient。而且，efficient应该说是在更短的时间做到更多的事情。前面的电话电报什么的也应该往这上面靠】

Aside from increasing people's efficiency, the advances in technology have ameliorated the health condition and living quality as a whole. Take the health condition of human being for example, many people worldwide has been suffered and died from a myriad of horrible diseases, such as flu, pneumonia, plague   【前面都是具体的，到这里突然变成一个模糊的，这样的并列不是很好】and the like, regarded as incurable diseases in eighteen century. Such diseases, however, can be healed in a short time due to the development of technological advancement in medical area, and even some diseases can be prevented by injecting a certain immune remedy.   【and even，像smallpox这样的绝症，现在都灭绝了】Moreover, recent progresses in surgery area have rescued countless patients whose organs are inefficient by replanting new organs or replacing artificial organs.   【transplant】It can not be denied that innovation resulting from technological achievement has significantly facilitated human’s physical condition.

As far as the quotidian living, human has never enjoyed such a colorful and leisure times brought about by the sheer number and types of technological products that are available today, such as television, digital camera, air-conditioning, washing machine, mobile phone etc.. Housewives need not spend a majority of time to wash bowls, clothes due to the apparatus designed for house cleaning. Meanwhile, a family is able enjoy a relaxed weekend in a place far way from their homes owning to all kinds of vehicles. Technology does confer human more leisure time along with more conveniences and comforts.

Nevertheless, technology inevitably leads to some side effects to human being. While it has increased people's efficiency, it also has made people, particularly in metropolis, under great pressure and deprived them of leisure time than ever. For example, US employees working in Silicon Valley seem to be the persons who have the access to the greatest technological advancement-computer; however, they have been forced to work at even weekends in order to maintain their dominance in computer markets, where the update in either hardware and software is significantly swift. And thus they are divested of all leisure time by the technological advancement and became the slaves of technology to some extent.

Another problem is concerned with our studies at college life. Students have easily access to Internet in research of material for their homework, however, it is common that after a whole day, what they found is a bulk of worthless material, or at least they has wasted half of a day to find out material beneficial to their work. Thus, it is apparent that we have lost more time on technological advancement, rather than enjoyed more leisure time.

In conclusion, advancements in technology have provided people with a myriad of merits in increasing their efficiency, ameliorating their health condition as well as improving their living standard. Unfortunately, it also removed human’s leisure time. Therefore, humans should learn to take advantage of the achievements in technology properly and make it serve them furthest without being enfettered by these advances either.


  【思路不错，结构安排也比较合理。开头尤其很好。不过要注意段间的过渡和衔接，不要写成一个一个的问题。要连成线。加油！】

nashaUID: 175030

老大,非常感谢你的修改,我自己还真看不出这些问题呢. 马上改改,谢谢鬼老大