我练习的雅思真题作文,大家帮忙修改一下啊

zsyysUID: 2104219

Some people claim that science scientists contribute much to the society and civilization; the science students should receive more financial from government. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?


It is well known that science scientists’ devotion to the society and civilization. So I considerably agree that government should finance more science students who are the future science scientists. Science is the key factor in the developing of other science, solution of environmental pollution and discovery of nature.
The firstly, the development of all other science is on the basis of improving of science. It seems to science is impracticable, but in fact science is a tool, which are applied in the field of other science that build our society and civilization. We can also say that other science is non-meaning without science. So government should pay more attention to science students by financing them.
The secondly, the solution of the environmental pollution, the most sharp problem in modern and future society, will depend more on science. Science tell the human how is like the nature and how to protect our unique globe. Therefore, government should greatly develop science.
The thirdly, there is a great space for science to develop. So far, human have discovery area that only several percent of the whole science. Consequently, more students should be encouraged to study science, and financing more science students is an effective measure to attract future students.
In conclusion, it is necessary that government pay more money on science, financing more science students not only can show government’s attention to science but also attract more future science students, which will promote the development of science.

qiaoUID: 2103572

很乐意看楼主作文，大家一起切磋

第一句that后面就是从句了，所以你可以说devotion.. is enormous.
每个分段，应该是firstly ,secondly ,没有the.
你用顶格式写作，应该每段写完空一行，记住考试时候也这么写。
第三段，最好不要这么绝对，most sharp ，我觉得未必，你可以说one of most sharp,不过这个sharp你不觉得别扭嘛？换serious吧
总体结构不错，就是有点八股。很旧的模式。高手不说firstly,secondly.

tips:你的意思是清楚的，但感觉第一段和第二段意思有点重复。第二段是第一段的举例。你可以在题目本身上面做文章，society and civiliazation你不必对应着说，但是否从这里有点启发呢？
最后，也不要一味支持，还是要强调度的问题，给了经费也要好好利用嘛。
这个题目不好写。偶是小兵，说得不对，勿怪！再次佩服一下楼主，一口气写两篇！加油！继续写吧

lucy_zq2002UID: 177408

继续顶一下,集中起来
最好以后斑竹可以把每个帖子标题改一下,方便索引

蜻蜓切UID: 201589

Originally posted by lucy_zq2002 at 2005-6-30 19:57
继续顶一下,集中起来
最好以后斑竹可以把每个帖子标题改一下,方便索引

嗯，不过最近事情很多，可能要过一阵子了。
大家包涵~:)

zmdtkUID: 198059

“We can also say that other science is non-meaning without science. ”

类似这样的句子，第二段出了不少，看不懂什么意思啊，恕在下才疏学浅。如果想表示自然科学和其他社会科学，最好用别的词，或者跟题目一样，例如一下，as society and so on

恕我直言，楼主还需要多多努力，这篇作文有模板的痕迹，字句不够漂亮，字数也不够。逻辑结构勉强过的去，但是论证不充足，该展开的没展开，论据也不充分。没考过雅思，不知道能评多少分，在TWE里，这个，大概3.5分吧，不及格。

[ Last edited by zmdtk on 2005-7-1 at 08:40 ]