写作点评 - 穷国发展,谁的责任?

lucy_zq2002UID: 177408

来源:3g  作者:我是一条大笨鱼

我将于5月14号考最近才开始准备作文感觉实在很紧张，这是我写的第一篇希望大家不吝赐教，如果我能考好一点第一时间感谢大家！！

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

Nowadays, helping the poor countries is becoming the top priority and the most pressing demand for both developing countries and developed countries. Obviously, there are two reasonable approaches to help the impoverished people, requiring donations from developed nations and asking the governments of the developing countries to shoulder their responsibilities to their own citizens .

First of all, wealthy nations as the neighbors of those poorer nations, should not reluctant to give their helping hand which may be an act of salvation to poor people living in the subsistence level. Firstly, we, black or white, rich or poor, male or female live in one planet just being likened to a family live together under the same roof, since we should help each other. Moreover, each nation can gain mutual benefits from the interaction between the developed and developing countries due to the economic tie which tightly links every nation with the development of globalization.

Admittedly, the government of the poorer nations shouldn’t shrink their responsibilities of taking care of their citizens. It is a generally acknowledged fact that one and the most important factor to judge the government is whether it can meet the demands of most their citizens, which includes a low unemployment rate, a high level of education, an adequate housing and infrastructure, and a sound social welfare system. Without these basic items, the government could not gain the spreading popularity among ordinary people, which may, eventually lead the country to astray.

In conclusion, the wealthy nations are highly required to share their possessions such as books and education with their poorer neighbors. In addition, the national government should take more effective way to look after their citizens. Only when both of them take coordinate efforts, can the poorer people live a happier life.

老师点评:

6分没跑的

lucy_zq2002UID: 177408

看在mm认真写作文的份上,偶抱着学习切磋的态度给你挑刺:

1.第一段:Obviously这次单词慎用吧,有时似乎认为很自然的事情考官也一定这么认为.

2.第二段,第三段,你分别写了发达国家应该帮助,发展中国家也该承担相应责任.我明白mm是想面面俱到,可是...第三段说发展中国家应承担责任,这个不是本文论点(发达国家要提供帮助)的论据和原因.可是你第一段说了有两个原因的,所以我觉得这里逻辑有错误.

解决方法:写足两个原因(一般行文至少两个原因),接下来写这个不是单一方的责任,发展中国家自己也有责任.

3.providing such things as food and education 题目中提到的,一般来说,你在正文中不详谈至少也应该写几句.

4.mm文字功底不错,有些单词我都不认识.厉害!但是通篇看来,你的论据不充分.你没有告诉我,为什么你支持发达国家也要负责任.为什么你的偏向是发达国家?错在他们嘛?难道各国发展不是自己的事情嘛?原因在哪里?有很多东西可以写的,可是你在泛泛而谈.这个在我看来,是你不能进7的症结所在!给几个我的看法:环境污染,全球一体化(语言,通商,资源共享)etc.

我粗浅的认识!欢迎切磋

lucy_zq2002UID: 177408

首先今天特别惊喜有两位老师给我评价了

特别lucyzq2002MM给我的意见很中肯，就是我还有几点不明白的：

1、就是我本来是打算写成平衡式的结构并不是想特别偏向那个国家，所以才写成两段，MM的意思是不是我应该把发达国家那一段写成两段然后再写一段发展中国家的让步段比较好呢？

2、还有雅思作文的时候是不是对于题目提到的关键比如食品和教育要展开1、2句写呢，我文章里就稍微提到了一下没有展开，MM的意见是不是让我要稍作展开？

3、另外MM提到的环境污染和全球一体化问题我怎么觉得好像一个国家的政府无法做到的，而且也不能说明各国发展是自己的事情啊，

，我糊涂了？

希望指点

lucy_zq2002UID: 177408

回答楼主的疑问:

首先万分抱歉,你的第一段我看错了,理解为你是偏向选发达国家承担责任.所以有了我之前的解释.按mm第一段的表达,你后面的行文是可以的.你的two approaches我当时误解了.Sorry!

题目中的教育食品之类,一般你不说也可以,只要你能很好的自圆其说.我理解的是,这是题目给你的提示,如果你没东西可写的话.

我再读题,觉得,题目问你的是,发达国家是否应该帮助发展中国家,还是让他们自己发展?发展的责任是应该一起承担还是留给各发展中国家?好绕啊,中文水平直线下降中~~~:)当然,两者都有责任,但我理解的是,主要问的还是,发达国家是否有责任?所以基本上我觉得这个题目不可能说发达国家没有责任,题目还是有些导向型的.

我的理解:

因为,发达国家工业化,比如使用发展中国家的廉价劳动力和资源,在发展中国家设厂房,生产过程中制造污染,最后把成品又高价卖给发展中国家或其他,他们理应承担责任.再者,全球一体化,国际大家庭,出于仁道也是该帮助的.何况,过分的悬殊,对于发达国家本身也不利.(似乎他们的剥削价值在减少):)

事实上,这是个很大的问题,不可能单方的责任.只是由于我的题目的理解(不知道我理解错没?但我还是坚持论点的主语是发达国家),使得我在行文时偏向于argue发达国家不应逃避他们应有的责任.一味让发展中国家自救是不现实的.至少教育,基础设施,医疗等方面有了改善,才有个好的发展环境和基础,是把?(不好意思,我扯远了)

我粗浅的认识.偶系一烤鸭,我平时不在这里混,不好意思拉.

lucy_zq2002UID: 177408

这是偶很早以前回的一个帖子,当初偶还年轻:)可青涩了,嘻嘻.话就多点
凭着这个帖子,认识了一个朋友,挺开心!

就以这个帖子做这个系列的终结吧.希望给大家的写作有些启发!
有朋友问我:这样做值得嘛?虽然偶明天还考试,不过偶坏毛病,总是先做喜欢的事情.
很简单,偶只是想把一些idea呈现出来.里面多少也有我走过的痕迹.留给后人.偶的力量非常有限.

[ Last edited by lucy_zq2002 on 2005-6-30 at 19:39 ]

zmdtkUID: 198059

现在就需要诸如此类的点评啊，我的作文狂差。

[ Last edited by zmdtk on 2005-7-1 at 08:22 ]