argument53 高频，超短，被写作软件坑了

Esther.LiUID: 191003

------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：27分24秒     325 words
从2005年7月13日20时43分到2005年7月13日21时27分
------题目------
Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin—a hormone known to affect some brain functions—would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.
------正文------
To begin with, the given phenomenon that the group of infants was distressed when facing unfamiliar stimuli is not quite relevant with the arguer's point of view. Firstly, without specific evidence, the arguer fails to convince us that the distress infants showed means shyness for an adult person. Furthermore, even if it does mean shyness, there is no sufficient proof to conclude that the distress was caused completely by unfamiliar stimulations, other things such as hungry or an intention to defecate might generate distress, too.

In addition, the arguer unfairly assumes that the distress for infants or shyness for teenagers is caused by their mothers' production of melatonin. Although the season happens to be the same as melatonin production, it is just a time problem. There might be some relations, but asserting it is because of melatonin is ridiculous, for other hormones are possible to produce this fact. So the arguer confuses time relation with causal relation, which weakens his or her argument a lot.

Besides, a person's character is caused not only by innate factors, but also acquired factors such as education and experiences. Common sense tells us that if a person is always frustrated during his procession of growing up, he will be shy and afraid of things unfamiliar. Without a further survey of these aspects of the informants, the arguer oversimplifies the problem and makes the argument hastily.

To sum up, the arguer unfairly makes assumptions and oversimplifies the problem. Before he or she can rule out the conditions mentioned above and give concrete evidence that it is melatonin that caused the informants' shyness, the conclusion is too groundless for us to believe.

( 276 words)

[ Last edited by staralways on 2005-8-13 at 23:55 ]

fishybtUID: 190216

我的msn:fishybt@hotmail.com认识一下吧

clylizeUID: 150642

你字数太少了 在重新写 写好我拍 好不

Esther.LiUID: 191003

Originally posted by clylize at 2005-8-14 15:59
你字数太少了 在重新写 写好我拍 好不

:eek:
麻雀虽小，五脏俱全;)
逻辑错误我都抓出来了，其实离300字也不远，看看能不能算短小精悍呢？:p
要是不行我就重写吧:L

amanda1011UID: 2106668

怎么被坑的啊？

Esther.LiUID: 191003

Originally posted by amanda1011 at 2005-8-14 19:10
怎么被坑的啊？

:L
写作软件说字数325，我没多少话说了，也以为差不多了就结束了，但word上显示276。

真的没有人改么？:L

hohoeaseUID: 2123854

Originally posted by Esther.Li at 2005-8-14 20:52

:L
写作软件说字数325，我没多少话说了，也以为差不多了就结束了，但word上显示276。

真的没有人改么？:L

hehe...我改我改。。。我也经常写很短得文章。。。没话说啊。。。
不过现在在忙。。。
先顶下，占个座。
一会来改。

hohoeaseUID: 2123854

To begin with, the given phenomenon that the group of infants was distressed(最好不要改，原文是showed signs of mild distress改后可能意思都有变化）， when facing unfamiliar stimuli is not quite relevant with the arguer's point of view. Firstly, without specific evidence, the arguer fails to convince us that the distress infants showed means shyness for an adult person. Furthermore, even if it does mean shyness, there is no sufficient proof to conclude that the distress was caused completely by unfamiliar stimulations, other things such as hungry or an intention to defecate might generate distress, too.

In addition, the arguer unfairly assumes that the distress for infants or shyness for teenagers is caused by their mothers' production of melatonin. Although the season happens to be the same as melatonin production, it is just a time problem. There might be some relations, but asserting it is because of melatonin is ridiculous, for other hormones are possible to produce this fact. So the arguer confuses time relation with causal relation, which weakens his or her argument a lot.
（这段其实可以认为是段很好得提纲，可以分开扩展得）
Besides, a person's character is caused not only by innate factors, but also acquired factors such as education and experiences. Common sense tells us that if a person is always frustrated during his procession of growing up, he will be shy and afraid of things unfamiliar. Without a further survey of these aspects of the informants, the arguer oversimplifies the problem and makes the argument hastily.（这段写得就很好。举了详细得例子。）

To sum up, the arguer unfairly makes assumptions and oversimplifies the problem. Before he or she can rule out the conditions mentioned above and give concrete evidence that it is melatonin that caused the informants' shyness, the conclusion is too groundless for us to believe.

Esther.LiUID: 191003

谢谢hohoease!
你觉得第二段如果扩展开是不是不要另分段呢？会不会一段太长？
尤其感谢第一段点评的意见！^_^

lplx_1982UID: 196114

我的字数也比你多不了几个,就是打不完~~~:(

hohoeaseUID: 2123854

Originally posted by Esther.Li at 2005-8-14 22:48
谢谢hohoease!
你觉得第二段如果扩展开是不是不要另分段呢？会不会一段太长？
尤其感谢第一段点评的意见！^_^

我觉得如果你要是只扩展一个内容比如：错误的把时间关系当因果就一段，
如果你想扩展两个内容，一，infant的distress可能由别的引起，
                                 二，错误的把时间关系当因果，
可能还是分段好。一段一个批判。（个人看法）
扩展开写长了是好事啊！:)

我觉得你找逻辑错误真的很全 。。。羡慕。。。:)   

以后大家多多互相讨论帮助哦。:handshake

Esther.LiUID: 191003

Originally posted by hohoease at 2005-8-14 23:11


我觉得如果你要是只扩展一个内容比如：错误的把时间关系当因果就一段，
如果你想扩展两个内容，一，infant的distress可能由别的引起，
                                 二，错误的把时间关系当因果，
可 ...

嗯嗯，很有道理啊！谢谢:handshake
至于找错误，我就看满眼的错误了，不知道选哪些比较重点，也不知道用什么顺序，挺苦恼的:confused:
如果你的aw需要拍，可以给我留下链接哦！:$

popsywinterUID: 2120302

我今天也写了这篇,记得你有,拿出来看. 我跟一样,写的好短,觉得限时后好紧张哦,真要命. :L
同一主题,我们互相看看吧.

你前面不写一段格式化的开头段么? 我个人认为可以凑字数哎
To begin with, the given phenomenon that the group of infants was distressed when facing unfamiliar stimuli is not quite relevant with the arguer's point of view. (这里改成final conclusion好一点吧)Firstly, without specific evidence, the arguer fails to convince us that the distress infants showed means (means太不能表达意思了,换个别的词)shyness for an adult person. Furthermore, even if it does mean shyness, there is no sufficient proof to conclude that the distress was caused completely by unfamiliar stimulations, other things such as hungry or an intention to defecate might generate distress, too.后面这句做第二段展开写比较好)

In addition, the arguer unfairly assumes that the distress for infants or shyness for teenagers is caused by their mothers' production of melatonin. Although the season happens to be the same as melatonin production, it is just a time problem. There might be some relations, but asserting it is because of melatonin is ridiculous(这里也换个词吧,不是荒谬,而是理由不足), for other hormones are possible to produce this fact. So the arguer confuses time relation with causal relation, which weakens his or her argument a lot.

Besides, a person's character is caused not only by innate factors, but also acquired factors such as education and experiences. Common sense tells us that if a person is always frustrated during his procession of growing up, he will be shy and afraid of things unfamiliar. Without a further survey of these aspects of the informants, the arguer oversimplifies the problem and makes the argument hastily.这段写的挺好

To sum up, the arguer unfairly makes assumptions and oversimplifies the problem. Before he or she can rule out the conditions mentioned above and give concrete evidence that it is melatonin that caused the informants这个词用的不好' shyness, the conclusion is too groundless for us to believe.

限时写字数真的成问题啊 ,你也来看看我的毛病吧
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=319883

Esther.LiUID: 191003

means->indicates
ridiculous->unsufficient
informant是被调查者啊，有什么不妥么？
我这去看你的 ：）

popsywinterUID: 2120302

means 换成 correlate更好点,说的是两者之间有关联.
那个被调查者,词义在英语里指的是被跟踪调查,就象罪犯被联邦调查局之类的那种调查,如果是实验,我觉得用Sample啊之类的好点