Orange&Blue每周点评之－－－“深化立意”－－－点评bayern_science的Issue232

OB叔UID: 188695

什么是生命？

我时常自己问自己

什么是我的追求？

我时常审视自己

如果说，“生命”只是吃喝拉撒，那么，朋友，你的认识需要深化，倘若你对生活的认识仅仅停留在生理层面上，那么，很不幸，人类最优秀的精神文明，你未曾谋面

如果说，“追求”就是达到目的，那么，同学，你的认识过于浅薄，如果你对追求的理解只是局限于满足自己的欲望，那么，很可悲，蕴涵于追求的种种快乐，于你毫不相干

写AWA也是一样－－－需要深化主题，正所谓：高瞻远瞩，高屋建瓴

bayern_science同学写的这篇文章最大的问题就在于此

而这也是对bayern_science同学积极互改的一个小小奖励 :)

自己辛辛苦苦改了120分钟也就是做一个表率，让大家明白“互改”的意义

自己付出了多少，这只有自己知道

但不要怕别人不知道，因为上帝永远注视着你我

Bless U all～

[ Last edited by Orange&Blue on 2005-10-9 at 21:29 ]

OB叔UID: 188695

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ge=1&highlight=

OB叔UID: 188695

Issue 232-"The purpose of education should be to create an academic environment that is separate from the outside world. This kind of environment is ideal because it allows students to focus on important ideas without being held back by practical concerns."

颜色说明一下
1。红色，表示“错误”
2。洋红，表示“用法欠妥当”
3。蓝色，是我的批注
4。绿色，表示“很精彩的文字”

Nowadays schools, as one ingredient of society are accessible to 【这个词用在这里感觉怪怪的。首先，我不是英语专业的，所以，自己的某些看法也许是错的。其次，我自己对用词的感觉就是：朴实，准确，当然，如果在逻辑方面已经很出色的前提下，在用多变的句式，以及各种修辞手法的映衬，自然是很出色的。但是，这未免过于苛刻。要记住，AWA的逻辑和论证分析是最关键的，其余的能提高多少就提高多少。】its influence. They have to be responsive to the economical upswing or downturn, to the social and political movements and to the scientific and technological breakthroughs. 【这句话的逻辑是有问题的，“have to”这里用的不是太合适。学校和各种影响，从逻辑上而言，到底应该是怎么样的呢？这里需要提出的是，我们应该尽量按着美式思维。在US，很大程度上学校是社会激荡的产生地，同样也是最先进的科技的源泉。政治上：比如加州Berkeley就曾是“反越战”的发源地，还记得阿甘吗？注意过画面上那个校车上的字样吗？那些抗议的领导者大多数都是Berkeley的学生领袖。在中国也同样如此，比如文化大革命的第一张大字报就是在北大的“三角地”帖出来的，还有“六四”学校永远是社会思想最活跃最先进的地方。科技就现而易见了 】The impact of the changes in society is so prominent【prominent这个词有点outstanding的意思，而你想表达的，我想是“影响力”很大的意思，建议用striking，等词】 that some raise the concern of isolating schools from them【表述的有些杂糅，不要过分的使用长句，要长短句结合】, creating an environment in which students can concentrate on important ideas without being distracted from what happens outside the campuses.【这个观点的设立是有错误的，好比，你自己为了说明自己对一个问题看法的正确，先提出一个根本不存在的谬误，再去攻击，但事实上，这是ridiculous】 However, I assert that education should be open to the society, the practical world.【立意不是太高，任何时候，“动态的平衡”都是最好的，学校和社会两者是相互影响的，但仅仅从你的表述中看不到这个意思，反而有那么点“两者敌对”的含义】 Studying in such an isolated environment as someone have suggested is either infeasible or disadvantageous.

It has long been prevalent 【这种用词就叫“刻意”，最好准求一种平实的风格，可以看看外国的新闻网站，那里的语言最地道】that universities are likened as ivory towers, in which students only pay attention to their study.【不仅仅是学生，更重要的是那些研究人员，他们才是大学的“大师”，仅仅说学生，就不全面了】 This is based on the misconception that the important ideas and the state-of-the-art knowledge has nothing to do with the outside world. Nevertheless, one can easily discover the rebuttal to this narrow mindedness【mistake, error…】. In fact, some of the newly established branches of study originate from the practical need of the outside world, bioinformatics being one paradigm【老毛病：用词刻意追求单词，让人感觉很做作】. The study of bioinformatics came into being because of the information need of the society【很chinglish的表述】. Facing the boom of biology which leads to the abounding of experimental results, an effective way of organizing, storing and communicating【这3个动词的逻辑排列很出色】 these valuable data are in great demand for the utilization of them in both research and production and that is the genesis of bioinformatics. Another epitome【abstraction，extraction】 is the network security, one of the most popular branches of computer engineering【好像CS（computer science吧）】. With some established findings in the field being unable to find their immediate application in the real world【in the reality】, network security was nevertheless 【硬塞了这么一个词，读起来巨痛苦 :( 】introduced to address the practical problem of hacking, which has resulted in billions of loss in business domain【老问题】 and imposed a direct threat on national security. Thus many important subjects students learn in schools are directly related to the practical concern.

【小结】：
1。开头的TS(Topic Sentences)句不清晰，后面的论证有事例堆砌之嫌。例子和你所要论述的TS吻合的不是很好，例子的选择是一方面，但更重要的是，另一方面暴露出你剖析例子的逻辑角度不是很合理，英文的叙述也不能充分的表达你所要表达的思想

2。喜欢用难词。用什么词不是关键，不是越难越好，而是在文中最适合的地方写下最合适的词语，这才是功夫。如果说贝多芬雄壮的贝9交响曲是“难”的代表，那么我更欣赏mozart那简洁轻快的风格，事实上，到了最好层次，是要返朴归真的。这也就是为什么海明威能获得诺贝尔文学奖的一个最重要的原因

In addition, students in those fields of study 【这里的those虽然大家都知道，但是为什么不能说明呢？在TS句中最好还是把该说的都说明，学会西式思维―――开门见山】which have no immediate connection with the outside world can still benefit from practicing thus enhance what they have acquired through education. 【TS句写的过于杂糅，能用简单的话说清楚的，不要试图让它复杂化】For instance, literature students can participate in social activities and be exposed to the oral literature--the creation of ordinary "wordsmiths" from different social classes and occupations, which they may never have access to via books and formal education. Such exposure may turn out to be a distinguishing feature of their work at a later time. So do arts students, for whom the exposure to the outside world can provide themes and inspirations for their artistic composition. 【到这里，你只是“叙述”了例子，并没有“剖析”它，这是你需要提高的一个很重要的地方】Therefore even though it is not necessary for them to be involved in the outside world, students can, to some extent, benefit from such involvement.

【小结】：
这一段暴露出了你一个最大的问题―――思考的不够深刻，立意不高。（也许是自己的标准太苛刻，但其目的还是为了大家的提高，现在提出来，你改了，总比到考场上哭强吧。希望你理解）

这个题目的几个关键词(key word)，你在无形中都缩小了他们的感念范畴。Education你缩小为school，people你缩小为student。不是说school和student不对，但是，学校是education的一个ring，是education的一个组成部分，但不是全部，仅仅说school显得立意很低。而student最终也会进入社会，成为human being，老是说student，就过分削弱了本题所要强调的“社会属性”，从这一点上，你没有分析出ETS出此issue的“潜涵义”

Furthermore, for some fields of study with the ultimate goal of producing PRACTITIONERS like doctors, accountants and business managers for the society, the connection to the outside world is a necessity. 【老说connection显得很单调，语言贫乏，要换】For example, by interning in hospitals, students who major in medicine 【表述的太繁琐】can discover what their future workplace look like, which is far from the ideal environment provided by the schools. They have to cope with the constraints, which have been eliminated or at least minimized in schools’ laboratories. Besides, no longer being able to solely rely on the textbooks, they have to make diagnosis for patients with atypical and complex syndromes. Only through field practice, can medicine students can attain the necessary skills to pursue their future careers. For business schools, such practice in the real situation is not just a requirement but also a criterion for granting admission to MBA applicants since without such exposure it is meaningless to discuss how to relate the management principles with the practice as well as how to identify and classify the practice with reference to the doctrines held by the business sector.

【小结】：这一段从举例开始，暴露出你第二个问题――喜欢堆砌例子，而不是剖析例子。例子是support论点的，但是如果你不分析，大家就很难读懂，不要老想这自己想明白了，但是，自己写出的文章是为了交流思想，首先是让大家能清晰准确的明白你的意思，所以，要让大家读懂！

In sum, education should allow students to have access to the society outside the campuses, only through which they can acquire the necessary skills of pursuing their future professions as well as what they cannot learn from libraries and laboratories.结尾过于简单随意，没有深化主题

【总结】：
如你发帖时说的“Issue232 请G友在遣词造句上给予指点！”你的遣辞造句的确有问题，但更大的问题是―――你还以为这个次要问题是最重要的问题。

AWA考到底不是托福的TWE，前者考的是思想、逻辑，希望bayern 你能体会到

最后，我也不是专业人员，所以，说的写的难免会出错；而如果说的过于严厉了，请谅解，都是为了你能在考场上取得自己应该有的成绩

加油 :handshake

【参考资料】
说明：下面这些东西都是根据你目前的原因特地跳出来的希望你认真研读，发现其中的奥妙。

1。GRE作文考察的到底是逻辑水平还是写作水平之我见―――本版元老版主之一P姐姐的分析https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... Dtype%26typeid%3D53

2。关于作文中应该体现的critical thinking 的参考文献―――也是元老版主提供的好东东
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... Dtype%26typeid%3D53

3。一篇关于学校与教育的素材，同时是issue行文的范例―――本版超级超级牛人imong，也就是我老大好东东
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... Dtype%26typeid%3D52

[ Last edited by Orange&Blue on 2005-10-15 at 01:07 ]

OB叔UID: 188695

颜色有点没弄好 晚上回头再调吧

czj_swufeUID: 199954

多谢斑竹分享!
学到不少东西!再次感谢!:)

andycuiUID: 2132332

I have learned a lot from your evaluation. Thanks!

apolloxpUID: 156355

狂赞。ob同学干劲很足嘛:D

meautoUID: 2116250

恩.巨支持OB捏~~

bayern_scienceUID: 2102974

认真学习ing！

bayern_scienceUID: 2102974

思考得这么深刻！

你的序言都这么漂亮！

bayern_scienceUID: 2102974

我看我既无可能，也无必要在短时间内对GRE issue topics 有更深刻的见解。

200多道题，20天时间。我宁愿写的肤浅一点也要尽量熟悉和多看提纲。说实话， 大部分issue深究起来，没有读一两本相关的书是不够的。（可能是我天资不好，看不出什么深刻的东西）

退一步说，我只把GRE当敲门砖。分数够用就行。（我的AWA目标是5。别打我说没出息！我有自知之明，就那么点水平。我不是大牛！）虽然里面很多东西很值得深思，但是我觉得我精力有限，做好本专业的事就不错了。（有点小女人思想，对不？）

OB叔UID: 188695

做自己认为对的

开心生活

bayern_scienceUID: 2102974

www. dictionary.com:

hold back
1. To retain in one's possession or control: held back valuable information; held back my tears.
2. To impede the progress of. <--- probably this one
3. To restrain oneself.

bayern_scienceUID: 2102974

Topic:

Issue 232-"The purpose of education should be to create an academic environment that is separate from the outside world. This kind of environment is ideal because it allows students to focus on important ideas without being held back by practical concerns."



Revised version:

Nowadays schools, as one ingredient of society are subject to its influence. Most often, they have to be responsive to economical upswing or downturn, to social and political movements and to scientific and technological breakthroughs. The impact of the changes in society is so prominent that some raise the concern of isolating schools from them, creating an environment in which students can concentrate on important ideas without being held back by practical concerns. However, I assert that education should be open to the society, the practical world. Studying in such an isolated environment as someone have suggested is either infeasible or disadvantageous.

Frequently, schools are likened as ivory towers, in which students only pay attention to their study. This is derived from the misconception that the important ideas students are supposed to learn has nothing to do with the outside world. Nevertheless, one can easily discover the rebuttal to this narrow-mindedness. In fact, some of the newly established branches of study originate from the practical need of the outside world, bioinformatics being one epitome. The study of bioinformatics came into being because of the information need of the society. Facing the boom of biology which leads to the abounding of experimental results, an effective way of organizing, storing and communicating these valuable data are in great demand for the utilization of them in both research and production and that is the genesis of bioinformatics. Another example is the network security, one of the most popular branches of computer engineering. With some established findings in the field being unable to find their immediate application in the practical world, network security was nevertheless introduced to address the realistic problem of hacking, which has resulted in billions of loss in business sector and imposed a direct threat on national security. Thus many important subjects students learn in schools are directly related to the practical concerns.

In addition, even for students in fields without immediate connection with the outside world, they can still benefit from practicing thus enhance what they have acquired through education. For instance, literature students can participate in social activities and be exposed to the oral literature--the creation of ordinary "wordsmiths" from different social classes and occupations, which they may never have access to via books and formal education. The application of those original expressions may add to the strength of their compositions at a later time. Such exposure may turn out to be a distinguishing feature of their work at a later time. So do arts students, for whom the exposure to the outside world can provide themes and inspirations for their artistic composition. Therefore even though it is not necessary for them to be involved in the outside world, students can, to some extent, benefit from such involvement.

Furthermore, for some fields of study with the ultimate goal of producing PRACTITIONERS like doctors, accountants and business managers for the society, the association with the outside world is a necessity. For example, by interning in hospitals, students majoring in medicine can discover what their future workplace look like, which is far from the ideal environment provided by schools. They have to cope with the constraints, which have been eliminated or at least minimized in schools’ laboratories. Besides, being unable to solely rely on the textbooks any more, they have to make diagnosis for patients with atypical and complex syndromes. Only through field practice, can medicine students obtain the skills and experiences that are necessary for pursuing their future careers. For business schools, such practice in the real situation is not just a requirement but also a criterion for granting admission to MBA applicants since without such exposure it is meaningless to discuss how to relate the management principles with the practice as well as how to identify and classify the practice with reference to the doctrines held by the business sector.

In sum, education should provide students with access to the society outside campuses, only through which can they acquire the necessary skills of pursuing their future professions as well as those cannot learn from lucubrating in libraries and laboratories.

Word Count: 680

[ Last edited by bayern_science on 2005-10-12 at 20:04 ]

一鸣惊人UID: 2142773

学习学习，取长补短！
立意要高，深化主题，觉得不是很容易做到阿