两篇作文求改!

pengyu1983UID: 2125421

都很久没有写作文了，昨天写了一篇，手特别生，以后一定要多练。

                         Where to Live---In the City or in the Country

Some people appreciate to live in the city for the conveniences. The
citizens, who have the access to the advanced stage of civilization,
can enjoy a colorful life. They have various kinds to get information,
they have stable jobs and high salary, they have an adequate supply
for goods. After a day's work, they can enjoy a wonderful life at
cinemas and bars for recreation and relaxation.

By contrast, other people are attracted by the country. Fulfilled with
clear water, fresh air and sweet flowers, many people felled the
closer to the nature in the country is well worth the loss of
conveniences in the city.

However, both the city and the country have their disadvantages. The
air pollution and the crowd of the city is beyond our tolerance, nor
the inconvenience to buy things in the country.

My point of life is to live in the city for a time, then spend the
weekend in the country for a change.



今天的状态更差了：

          [B]For a better Understanding between Parent and Child[/B]

The parent and the child have been living in a family for many years,
but the communication between them is so lacked and so insignificant
that a better understanding between them is now out of the question.

We can easily discovered the reasons which probably lead to this
serious situation: For one thing, different likes and dislikes prevent
the normal communication between the two generations, the less their
chat is, the less they know about each other. For another, the child
who was nicknamed" the rising sun ",now the sun could not understand
the love which given by the patent correctly and absolutely, and the
parent could not realize what the child need indeed. Last but not
least, both the parent and the child are too busy doing their works
and studies to have an adequate time to enjoy a family party, and then
the distance between them is getting larger than large.

It is imperative that the parent should take effective measures to
deal with things as the child's bring up not only on physical, but
also on psychological, and the child should give the response to the
parent immediately. Only in this way, can they have a better
understanding.

莫名NUID: 146481

呵呵,我明天考完试帮你看吧,希望LZ不要太着急

pengyu1983UID: 2125421

谢谢版主啦!

莫名NUID: 146481

改晚了,抱歉
先对你的用词来改一下
有很多地方表达不是很准确的地方,只是改了部分,希望LZ能自己再修改一下

Where to Live---In the City or in the Country

Some people appreciate to live in the city for the conveniences. The
citizens, who have the access to the advanced stage of civilization,
can enjoy a colorful life. They have various kinds (kinds of what?) to get information,
they have stable jobs and high salary, they have an adequate supply
for goods.(三个they have用逗号隔开？这是很明显的语法错误) After a day's work, they can enjoy a wonderful life at cinemas and bars (in cinemas and bars) for recreation and relaxation.

By contrast, other people are attracted by the country. Fulfilled with
clear water, fresh air and sweet flowers, many people felled (feel) the(much)
closer to the nature in the country is well worth the loss of
conveniences in the city.

However, both (加入lives in) the city and the country have their disadvantages. The
air pollution and the crowd of the city is beyond our tolerance, nor
the inconvenience to buy things in the country.

My point of life is to live in the city for a time, then (加上to) spend the
weekend in the country for a change.(是想表达工作在城里，休息在乡下吧？这句话需要修改一下，这样表达意思不是很明确)



今天的状态更差了：

          BFor a better Understanding between Parent and Child/B

The parent and the child have been living in a family for many years,
but the communication between them is so lacked and so insignificant
that a better understanding between them is now out of the question.

We can easily discovered the reasons which probably lead to this
serious situation: For one thing, different likes and dislikes prevent
the normal communication between the two generations, the less their
chat is (they are talking), the less they know about each other. For another, the child
who was nicknamed(called)" the rising sun ",(now the sun 去掉) could(can) not understand
the love which (is) given by the patent correctly and absolutely, and the
parent could (can) not realize what the child need indeed. Last but not
least, both the parent and the child are too busy doing their works
and studies to have an adequate time to enjoy a family party, and then
the distance between them is getting larger than large.

It is imperative that the parent should take effective measures to
deal with things as the child's bring(growing) up not only on physical, but
also on psychological, and the child should give the response to the
parent immediately.(这句话表达的不清楚，也就是说，在逻辑上，家长重视孩子的身心教育和孩子给反应没有直接关系，孩子是反应家长教育呢？还是家长的话呢？) Only in this way, can they have a better

莫名NUID: 146481

然后说一下整体的行文,个人认为第二篇写的比第一篇好
那就重点批驳一下第一篇

上来就是some...other...反而把自己的观点放到最后去了,LZ应该知道中国人写作和外国人写作的方式是相反的吧,也就是说,写英语作文应该把自己的观点提到第一段,然后再分段论述,最后来一个总结.而LZ第一篇文章完全颠倒.如果是把自己观点放在最后,是不是给人一种文章未完的感觉?也就是说LZ打算继续写自己为什么是这样认为的呢?我不知道LZ是不是看了万能作文里那篇例文,但是个人认为还是保险一点比较安全.

这是大体上最大的问题,然后来分段:
1.LZ的观点是城市里方便,但是我没有读出来方便的感觉,反而是有钱人士享受生活的场景.也就是后面说的内容和中心句基本没有很大的关系.那其他老百姓呢?没有钱的生活在城市里就不方便了么?是不是可以说一下购物啊,交通啊,医疗啊,等等各个方面的便利?
2.基本还可以
3.还是把句子写完整吧,nor一般是用在前面一句否定的后面,既然前面一句是肯定句,怎么后面能用nor呢?
**LZ这四段一段比一段短,话也越来越少,建议还是安排好篇幅,把重点的那段多写点,不是重点的略写

pengyu1983UID: 2125421

太谢谢啦!