[作文互改N0.27]stoneSQ

stoneSQUID: 2145827

Made by a company（去掉made，by短语位于announcement后？）, the announcement of setting up a large factory near our community has risen up a fierce debate among peoples （单数）who live in the territory（定语从句没必要，短语搞定）. Some one（连起来？） enjoys the benefits brought by the plant while the probable problems-such as environment pollution, the decrease （decline?）of living standard, and etc（似乎是口语词汇，不用为妙）-bother the rest. As far as I am concerned, I support the factory（不明确，support the project of building the factory?） due to several reasons as follows.

The first one I must mention is about employment opportunities created by the coming large factory. During its construction processing, the company will hire hundreds of workers to build the factory, hence offering many jobs to the local unemployed. （好像还没有人说过这一点哈）And then, after its construction, the plant requires a number of workers to operate its machines, and a small group of managements staff to organize them. Furthermore, the advertisement, the cook, the professional compute engineer, all of these people may fulfill the needs of the factory. （有必要说得这么细？）It works like a spark in the dry woods and would settle the job problem of lots people.（是不是有点牵强？）问题的一个方面说得过细，没时间再说其他，从而会不会论证不充分？

Another reason to sustain （？）the announcement（？通知无所谓支持还是反对吧） is about（多余？） its benefit （复数？）to our economics. Of course, the the company itself can gain much money from the factory.（还是不说的好） Moreover, the population of the company may ask for some places such as restaurants, net bars, and etc for their entertainment. As a result, this need would foster the growth of a local service business and raise our incoming（?）.意思是那个意思，表达方式有点欠妥

Admittedly, the probable disadvantages indeed exist. The industry （？）waste produced by the plant, and the noise, the security danger（new！不过好像不地道，ETS估计看不懂）, the living （？）wasted by the increased population in our community will lower our living standard. However, these problems can be avoided through a careful and constructive discussion between the company and local dwellers. The industry will realize the advantages of a good image among the residents and be willing to sacrifice part of its profits for its benefits in the long runHardly could I find the reasons for the company not to regulate its behavior and（not to） reduce its negative effects as small as possible（as possible as he can?）.（后两句有点偏了？）.
In conclusion, even though the establishment of a large factory will lead to some drawbacks for the community, in general, the advantages will outweigh the disadvantages. Therefore I bear the idea that a large factory can be constructed near our community.

遣词造句似乎不流畅，不地道，不过还是可以看出下了功夫的，地道问题只能通过多看，多写，多想了。还有个感觉就是你的思维似乎还要“托福”一点，提出一点，就猛攻这一点，不要再演深下去了，就是abc都是用来A，而不是a用来说A，b用来说a，c用来说b，不知道说清楚没？也不知道对还是不对，仅供参考，^_^

[ Last edited by stoneSQ on 2005-12-20 at 15:08 ]

zhangheng1020UID: 2130513

Originally posted by stoneSQ at 2005-12-20 14:23
Though （Although?）many people complained that the new factory exploration will bring the environments （environmental?）pressure and the tendency of a fast ...

谢谢，我从小学作文就是老跑题的~:(~:(~很多人都说我的思维从小与众不同的:L:L:L:L
正在改动中~~~

看了一下，很多低级错误，脑子好像已经僵了

Although many people complained that the new factory exploration will bring the environmental pressure and the tendency of a rushing living style, I do prefer the factory building in my community for the following reasons:

I live in a small town where there are lots of unexplored lands. In my community, most of the people still live under the standard living level. Some of them have to work on a little farm for their bread with their bare hand. Those years of hard work can’t bring lots of income. Though working very tough, they just feed themselves. Without lots of working opportunity, it is obvious that their children and their grandchildren have to hand over their father’s farm work. I have to say, it is quite a pity since the lack of income will lead to the shortage in educational input and that fact will lead to a further idleness.

A new factory might break all those depressive cycles. We have enough space and plenty of labor in our town. You might say it is all cheap labor force though. Compared with the former living condition, those people do live a better life with less working intension. Since the price can still be competitive compared with the devotion of laborage in big city, why not built a new factory here? It will be a double win! What a new factory will bring us is not only a better family income or more working opportunities. But the further health care center and the public hospital will be built up also, as well as other social welfare. Then people can live in a much convenient place with a proper consuming ability matched.

I have to admit that the factory building might carry on with further pollution to environment, but such problems can be solved by enough preventive attention, carefully organizing and proper management. The life might be faster in future, but we will get accustomed the changing and enjoy the modern society in the mean while.

In short, it is hard to say if a factory building can be perfect in every community. As for my hometown, it is definitely to be proper since the benefit is above the shortage. That is the reason why I am expecting for the new factory building, as I am also expecting a better future in my hometown.

说说我为什么这样写

1 大工厂的兴建是一个必然优缺参半的行为，具体到事例中，要结合自己的生活环境和社区特点分析才有意义。大城市里大工厂兴建和郊县的工业发展必然不同的。我为了好写，偷懒把自己形容成一个八代贫农，这个，惭愧一下。

2 其实2段那么多罗嗦就是为了一个后面其实前面的铺垫，应该也是论证的一部分。

3 其实最关键的是我自己中文总是跑题，所以高三的时候，语文作文除了满分就是5分， 可是我就是这样的很悲惨的命运。摹板和套路我使用的在我的跑题天赋里就是现在的结果

[ Last edited by zhangheng1020 on 2005-12-20 at 17:07 ]

stoneSQUID: 2145827

老美他们的思维就是和咱们不太一样，他们好像不兴铺垫，喜欢开门见山,who knows?

fluffUID: 2168025

能不能加上我呀？谢谢

fluffUID: 2168025

Although many people complained that the new factory exploration will bring the environmental pressure and the tendency of a rushing living style, I do prefer the factory building in my community for the following reasons:
“Factory exploration” sounds weird，如果是作“工厂开发”的意思，建议参考industrial expansion. 另外，”bring tendency of …”也不搭配，I’ll suggest you say: Although…that industrial expansion would bring pressure to environment and speed up the tempo of our life…”

I live in a small town where there are lots of unexplored lands. In my community, most of the people still live under the standard living level. Some of them have to work on a little farm for their bread with their bare hand. Those years of hard work can’t bring lots of income. Though working very tough, they just feed themselves. Without lots of working opportunity, it is obvious that their children and their grandchildren have to hand over their father’s farm work. I have to say, it is quite a pity since the lack of income will lead to the shortage in educational input and that fact will lead to a further idleness.
第二句建议改成”most people (instead of most of the people) still live a life below the standard level”，读起来顺一点。不是很明白为什么”work on a farm for their bread”，能不能解释一下？这么大段用来介绍community的背景？因为不是文章重点，建议减少这里的字数。

A new factory might break all those depressive cycles. We have enough space and plenty of labor in our town. You might say it is all cheap labor force though. Compared with the former living condition, those people do live a better life with less working intension. Since the price can still be competitive compared with the devotion of laborage in big city, why not built a new factory here? It will be a double win! What a new factory will bring us is not only a better family income or more working opportunities. But the further health care center and the public hospital will be built up also, as well as other social welfare. Then people can live in a much convenient place with a proper consuming ability matched.
这段有点乱，说了factory会带来better income and work opportunity，然后又说要注重其他方面的发展配合。但好像没有解释清楚（尤其是比较工厂开发前后）income difference的原因，你可以说工厂用mass production，比耕作更高效率，因而提高income。还想问一下”devotion of laborage” 是什么意思？最后建议把其他产业的需求重开一段写，这样比较条理。

I have to admit that the factory building might carry on with further pollution to environment, but such problems can be solved by enough preventive attention, carefully organizing and proper management. The life might be faster in future, but we will get accustomed the changing and enjoy the modern society in the mean while.
这段的逻辑跨越太大，首先是没有说明factory会如何带来污染，或者详细指出什么样的防范措施，只是略略用enough preventive attention, carefully organizing and proper management带过。然后话锋突然一转，说人们要适应工厂给生活所带来的变化（当然利大于弊），上下衔接有点不顺，建议你用一句衔接的话，如工厂带来的污染是她的disadvantage之一，但是前面说过的利仍然大于弊，然后再说人们要习惯适应。

In short, it is hard to say if a factory building can be perfect in every community. As for my hometown, it is definitely to be proper since the benefit is above the shortage. That is the reason why I am expecting for the new factory building, as I am also expecting a better future in my hometown.

整篇文章最受争议的地方就是是否需要介绍自己的community先，如果情况真是这样写也无妨，反正写作也不是套模板，但是如果是为了好写故意作出来的，那我无话可说了，强烈反对这么做。

zhangheng1020UID: 2130513

Originally posted by fluff at 2005-12-21 08:28
Although many people complained that the new factory exploration will bring the environmental pressure and the tendency of a rushing living style, I do prefer the factory building in my community f ...

stoneSQ  和 fluff 都是老师！！
其实我住的地方确实是郊区，描成那样，也不能算太过分:L:L
修改中~~~
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郁闷了几个小时以后的感慨：
点评的台经典了，我已经不知道应该怎么改了，完全觉得应该重写~~~:L:L:L

[ Last edited by zhangheng1020 on 2005-12-22 at 00:30 ]

stoneSQUID: 2145827

欢迎！热烈欢迎！

stoneSQUID: 2145827

刚刚看了斑竹的总结，结合自己社区具体情况，也许出发点是好的，就是表达方式在加强些可能会效果更好，^_^

stoneSQUID: 2145827

关键问题不是你住的地方是怎样的，而是你把它说成什么样的，哈哈

老师？！岂敢，折杀我们了，~~~~