[作文互改27组]stoneSQ&zhangheng1020&fluff

stoneSQUID: 2145827

Some one hold （？主谓？）the belief that the（冗余？） games are for the kids only, and it is not proper if a adult still are drown （still的位置，drown？are still indulged）in the game（games？）. Although in the traditional Chinese culture, adults are supposed to be serious and expected to follow “none game” （这个词我理解不了）behavior, I believe game （pl.）is as important to those adults as to children in the modern society.第一句和第二句有点脱节，我想可能是你让步的地方不当吧。思路不错！game用得似乎都有些问题，以下相似的问题我就不说了
Game playing （词序？）is important for the（冗余？） learning. Even（逻辑上是even的关系？） in the wild, playing game is a natural way of learning for the young animals. We learn new（位置？） lots of computer technique nowadays in PC game as well as the kitty practicing its hunting skill in the “catching game”.（这个句子实在有点涩） Game was and surely will be the most effective way in the knowledge sucking（是不是有点chinglish的味道，the absorbing of knowledge） and in those exactly actions, which are often requested long terms （？）of numerous repeating（repetition？） and practice. Game learning can be funny in the children’s oral language learning, in a way which can attract those adults in the second language study too. Those typing speed practice might be boring and tiresome. Marvelous changing will happen if it added （？）the “feedback award” stimulation as a game.这段给人的感觉论证得很散，逻辑上好像不能很好的服务于你的总论点，语言上也有些错误，显得不流畅，还造了些词，外人理解上实在是有些困难，至少我没有理解你要说的意思

Game teaches people how to cooperate in commutation. The psychologist told us that in the playing, children enjoyed their game in the changing of several game rules for the benefit of their own, in the meaning while; they have to balance the benefit as well as public interests for their partners for attraction（？）. Such creation can teach a child what is the max-benefit for a group before he joins the mature social communication（？）. As for a adults, those role（pl） playing game still work. When fresh employees get the company training, their first lesson is usually carried on by groups of competitive games. In those kinds of practice, adults learn each other’s character in play and familiar the new company’s culture in game.

Game plays an important role in the stimulation of creation and award（in stimulating players' creative spirit ... or something like that?）. Children are regarded as creative cause（？） they can always “form something new” by the praise from parents. In playing, they are really rejoiced and willing to try sth（不要缩写吧） more and sth new. On the other hand, though the first prize can always make one happy in a competition, for the adults, we suffered the fear of being a loser much more times than contented of being the “top 1” champion. The winner-desire can push one for the result only and fade the enjoyment in progressive trying. The focus on success might limit the adult to try more possibility and decay the creative passion. As a matter of fact, working for those real successors is their favorite game. They can enjoy their life in working. Albert Einstein said his theory is “上帝不掷股子”（我也不知道哈） Another famous physical scientist Stephen Horking, the writer of “brief history of time”, told us that the universe is “a God in the nut”. For the adults who can trade their work as a game from their childhood dream, who can really enjoy their work in daily creation and finding, who can forget about the prize and keep his curiosity for some new as a child, greater achieve might be gained in their game-like-life.

In brief, like a child, it is the adults also（？） that need the game as the important part of their life（强调句型，有点问题，as ... as？）. Because game can help one in learning and cooperating, what is more（不很顺当）, it lead one to the real success（adj？） way of a happy life. So keep young and let’s jump in the game!（尽量少使用祈使句，是不是有点提号召的嫌疑）
能理解你的思路，是想重点as important as...，不过个人感觉说服力不够。一个段落下来，并能给人很明确的感觉，你是在说明什么论点，我得回过头看你的ts，细细体会你是什么意思。论证上很有深度，超出我的能力范围不是一点两点啊，句子写得有点复杂，而且不能保证正确，句子间的逻辑关系也不是很连贯，给像我这个水平reader很大麻烦，很是难懂啊，所以没能很详细的修改，sorry！水平实在有限
to be honest,这篇文章的语言上，一些用词，句式安排上问题还是比较大的，至少的感觉是这样的。也许你自己比较明白，可是外人看来实在是。。。再加上你好像自创了些词，我认为此法欠妥。小的语法错有点多了，特别有些名词，虽说都是小错误，可是给人的印象就大大折扣了
就像你说的，有点长了，考场上不可能这么写的吧，不要过于文思泉源了，^_^

[ Last edited by stoneSQ on 2005-12-25 at 00:05 ]

stoneSQUID: 2145827

没错，关键是挖掘games对children和adults到底哪里不同

stoneSQUID: 2145827

这个是version 2 啊

zhangheng1020UID: 2130513

Originally posted by stoneSQ at 2005-12-25 00:01
Some one hold （？主谓？）the belief that the（冗余？） games are for the kids only, and it is not proper if a adult still are drown （still的位置 ... 能理解你的思路，是想重点as important as...，不过个人感觉说服力不够。一个段落下来，并能给人很明确的感觉，你是在说明什么论点，我得回过头看你的ts，细细体会你是什么意思。论证上很有深度，超出我的能力范围不是一点两点啊，句子写得有点复杂，而且不能保证正确，句子间的逻辑关系也不是很连贯，给像我这个水平reader很大麻烦，很是难懂啊，所以没能很详细的修改
to be honest,这篇文章的语言上，一些用词，句式安排上问题还是比较大的，至少的感觉是这样的。也许你自己比较明白，可是外人看来实在是。。。再加上你好像自创了些词，我认为此法欠妥。小的语法错有点多了，特别有些名词，虽说都是小错误，可是给人的印象就大大折扣了

说地很对，我似乎写得有一点躁狂了~~~:L:L

Originally posted by stoneSQ at 2005-12-25 00:09
这个是version 2 啊

我觉得1版比2版似乎写得更好~~~:L:L:L
我没有看懂2版，300字的篇幅，说的信息量不能太大（我也是这个毛病）
所以1版不拍，2版待拍

[ Last edited by zhangheng1020 on 2005-12-25 at 02:49 ]

zhangheng1020UID: 2130513

看到 knowledge sucking, 我猛然意识到，似乎平时和那些美国SBT老头子informa lchatting 惯了，一写得开心就oral leisure忘了自己的 TWE......

[ Last edited by zhangheng1020 on 2005-12-25 at 02:44 ]

stoneSQUID: 2145827

“躁狂”，哈哈，有趣！

二版是采取了比较冒险的观点，不看也罢！

没错，不要企图在300字里包罗万象，关键是要说的就说清楚，不要蜻蜓点水，面面俱到，也不要过于像个哲学家。反正我是这么要求自己的，不能太苛求自己了，在自己水平的基础上发挥就行了

zhangheng1020UID: 2130513

Originally posted by stoneSQ at 2005-12-25 01:06
“躁狂”，哈哈，有趣！

二版是采取了比较冒险的观点，不看也罢！

没错，不要企图在300字里包罗万象，关键是要说的就说清楚，不要蜻蜓点水，面面俱到，也不要过于像个哲学家。反正我是这么要求自己的，不能 ...

我坦白，我是学医的，所以心理学和神经科学，伦理学及行为医学是我们的课程内容~~~我其实特有从弗洛伊的说到萨特和荣格的冲动:L:L:L

[ Last edited by zhangheng1020 on 2005-12-25 at 02:46 ]

greenlemonUID: 2169154

拜读了下大作,不知道理解是不是有偏差, 说到adults的时候,似乎是把事业当作一种game来完成,用对待game 的好奇探询的态度来对待从事的工作.个人觉得是不是把game 的涵义扩大化了, 题目要讨论的只是game,还是把工作,学习等其他事情game 化的意思?
要是误解了作者的意思,不要拍我

zhangheng1020UID: 2130513

Originally posted by greenlemon at 2005-12-26 10:09
拜读了下大作,不知道理解是不是有偏差, 说到adults的时候,似乎是把事业当作一种game来完成,用对待game 的好奇探询的态度来对待从事的工作.个人觉得是不是把game 的涵义扩大化了, 题目要讨论的只是game,还是把工作 ...

thank you for your patient reading.....you have exactly caught what I try to express!!!
I think we are discussing around a topic of  "the importance of game in one's life ( for both children and adults)". Game , as for me, is not only a bahaior pattern but also an attitude, a living style.... which might lead to the further success

Let me take my experence for example, I love my major, and I tread my broad dream as a child's game and enjoy it heartfully. In the pretest, there is no loser, as long as I can find the rejoice in and meaning of my life.  

hope those tips can make it clean...
later

greenlemonUID: 2169154

我知道你要表达的意思,但是我觉得
first, A as well as B, 侧重点是在A上, 短语的意思是和什么一样,但是结构上不是平行的,是有所侧重的,所以,对于孩子的重要性我认为应该用来说明对于成人的重要性,而不是并列的重点
然后捏, 我觉得题目说的game就是game,如果要表达你的意思,不妨说从game中成人可以学会那种游戏中的态度,可以lead to success的态度

浅知拙见,要是和你的原本想法根本对不上,一定见谅啊

flyingcUID: 206626

本人高三，1月第一次考托。准备很不充分。听说gter这里人多、人好、还能够批改文章，所以发到这里。
本文使用了提纲，录入到电脑的过程中经过了word的拼写检查。但是还是有很多的地方觉得不通顺，可能句式和语法出了问题。希望各位师兄师姐能抽出您的宝贵时间，提一点意见。给各评价分数

00-05（17）
Some people think that they can learn better by themselves than with a teacher. Others think that it is always better to have a teacher. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons to develop your essay.

提纲：
理由1：教师经受过训练，他们了解学生的问题，所以辅导时会有系统、有重点
理由2：教师和学生进行交流，使学生能够迅速掌握知识。
理由3：教师提供了学习方法，这对学生未来学习，以及学习其他知识都有很大帮助。

正文：
开头段：
Some people think that they can learn better by themselves than with a teacher. Others think that it is always better to have a teacher. No doubt, I choose the latter one. Because there are too many benefits that outnumber its advantages. But the former one, on the other hand, has advantages no more than its disadvantages.
主体段：
The most important benefit of studying with a teacher is that teachers are well trained how to teach students in their normal college. Every teacher has known the problems of the students which is usually faced by students and they will teach students systemically. If a student study by himself/herself, it is hard to achieve the same effect which is easy for the student with a teacher.

Another benefit of studying with a teacher is that teachers can communicate with students easily. After students telling teacher the problems in their studying process, teachers could answer the students directly about the key of problems. So students could learn faster than the ones studying by themselves.

The last benefit but no the last important is that teacher can not only teach students the knowledge, but also teach students the ways of learning which may not only by useful in their school years, but also in their future. If students dose not study with teachers, they will use a lot of time to know the way of studying which is very easy for the one studying with teacher.
结尾段：
After understanding the reasoning above, it is quit safe now to say: studying with a teacher is a wise chosen.

时间：大概40
字数：270（是不是少了）

yogurt4UID: 198389

Some one hold the belief that the games 泛指用games就可以了are for the kids only, and it is not proper if a adult still are drown in the game. Although in the traditional Chinese culture没有必要在这里下个限制，后面完全没有和此处照应的内容, adults are supposed to be serious and expected和supposed有点重了 to follow “none game” behavior,follow behavior的搭配好怪  I believe尽量加that game is as important to those adults as to children in the modern society.

开头应该稍微提及一下你对题目观点持正态度的原因，对全文有个提挈的作用。


Game playing is important crucial/significant/consequential/paramount/…. for the delete learning. Even in the wild, playing game is a natural way of learning for the young animals.这一句和成人玩游戏关系不大 We learn new lots of new computer technique nowadays in PC game as well asas well as 是“也”的意思，这里改成in ways the same as比较好 the kitty practicing its hunting skill in the “catching game”. Game was and surely will be the most effective way in the knowledge sucking and in those exactly actions, which are often requested long terms of numerous这个次是从“枚举”的意思引过来得，放在这里不合适。 repeating and practice. Game learning can be funny in the children’s oral language learning, in a way which can attract those adults in the second language study too. Those typing 这是啥？ speed practice might be boring and tiresome. Marvelous changing will happen if it added the “feedback award” stimulation as a game.最后两句和偏离主题

每一段开头的TS都是最关键的句子，你B1，B2的ts都写得不好，没有突出adults玩游戏的特殊性。题目是侧重在adults上的。Games对children的重要性不需要太多笔墨。
少用些CAN，论点出来了要给论述，can实际上是下某种论断。


Game teaches people how to cooperate in commutation. The psychologist told 注意时态us that in the playing, children enjoyed their game in the changing of several game rules for the benefit of their own, in the meaning while; they have to balance the benefit as well as public interests for their partners for attraction. Psychologists tell us that children, when setting games rules, have to balance the benefits for their partners, as well as for their own. 强调的内容做主句，其他部分做修饰。不要在一个句子里讲太多内容。 Such creation What creation? can teach a child what is the max-benefit for a group before he joins the mature formal吧 social communication. As for aadults or an adult adults, those role playing game still work. For instance,When fresh employees get the company training, their first lesson is usually carried on by groups of competitive games. In those kinds of practice, adults learn each other’s character in play and familiar the new company’s culture in game.这里和前面的内容已经脱离了，至少该另起一段。 Game plays an important role in the stimulation of creation and award. Children are regarded as creative cause because正式一些 they can always “form something new”form sth new 有点怪 by the praise from parents.家长的鼓励和游戏有什么关系？不要写一些和题目中心无关的话。 In playing, they are really rejoiced and willing to try sthTWE严厉杜绝不规范用语！ more and sth delete new. On the other hand, though the first prize can always make one happy in a competition, for the adults, we suffered the fear of being a loser much more times than contented of being the “top 1” champion. The winner-desire In some circumstances desire for/to win pushes one for the result only, diminishing the enjoyment of progressive trying can push one for the result only and fade the enjoyment in progressive trying. The Too much focus on success might limit the adult to try more possibility and decay change this word the creative passion for creation. As a matter of fact, working for those real successors什么继承者？ is their favorite game. They can enjoy their life in working. Albert Einstein said his theory is “上帝不掷股子” 语法有问题Another famous physical scientist physicist Stephen Hawking Stephen Horking, the writer of “brief history of time” writer of A Brief History of Time, told us that the universe is “a God in the nut”. For the adults who can tradewho treat吧？ their work as a game from their childhood dream, who can really enjoy their work in daily creation and finding, who can forget about the prize and keep his curiosity for some new as a child, greater achieve might be gained in their game-like-life.

1,这一段后面都是都是说的DISAGREE的内容，和前面游戏对儿童的正面影响应该分两段来写。
2，一味追求结果忽视过程，写了这么多，怎么也该提一下“games”这个字。好像一直在谈竞争，游戏也分多人游戏和一个人玩得游戏，就是这样写也要修饰一下。
3，假使2的问题你已经注意到了，你写的“游戏对成人产生的负面影响”和题目“游戏对成人来说重不重要？”实际上不是一回事。如果我是考官的话，这部分就是跑题。
4，考场上写霍金的例子该有多少人哪？这种人名都可以拼错，我F了U了。


In brief, like a child, it is the adults also thatthat also,这里用强调句不合适 need the game as thean important part of their life. Because game can help one in learning and cooperating, what is more, it lead one to the real success way of a happy life. So keep young and let’s jump in the game!!


内容上：见我在B1后面给你提的意见。
结构上：每段只讲一个意思。
        TS最重要，清晰，直接。然后写2-3个句子过渡，或者进一步阐述一下。接着举例子，这个步骤要不要看自己的时间。
然后！！段内小节。
整个文章的开头，BODY，结尾，需要一个总-分-总的形式。每个BODY亦如此。
语言上：你的错误真让我吃惊= =
时态，单复数。。。。。。。结尾写的最垃圾。很多地方搭配怪异，读着巨不爽。

建议：限制时间写完，然后花一个小时修改。
看看每个TS和题目主题有没有关系，每个段落里面的句子和TS有没有关系。
修改比写更重要。

PS这么多语法错误摆上来，是浪费大家的时间。严重警告！

stoneSQUID: 2145827

替zhangheng谢谢你了，哈哈

stoneSQUID: 2145827

好像不是这样的，我们都是跟斑竹混的，同期写作

zhangheng1020UID: 2130513

改得很好

Originally posted by stoneSQ at 2005-12-29 00:33
好像不是这样的，我们都是跟斑竹混的，同期写作

这个27楼是我请来的老师:L:$

我谢谢替我谢谢酸奶的stoneSQ！！

当时写完了很大脑短路，修改的时候只觉着应该重写，所以想有意识的放放再改。
两位给我很多的收获，文章修改中~~~
浪费大家的感情了:(，这里道个歉:L:L:L

[ Last edited by zhangheng1020 on 2005-12-31 at 04:06 ]