12月27日，1T作文第四期同主题写作。

逆风飞羊UID: 182440

评 #13 楼 fanfancy1026 作文

B1 的理由不错的，可是顺便说下你的例子，MS荔枝是要用空运的才能到北方啊@_@#
B2略现得少了一点。
B3 个人认为其中的rhythms用 tempo比较好。

其实你写的已经不错了，要对自己有信心哦，而且如果什么都会了的话就没有必要再练习啦~~~~
你的观点都是没有问题的，但是每一段的理由很少，很多都是直接往上拍例子。这样写也不是不可以，但是不是最好。B1的结构不错，虽然没有太多地解释，但是有了与In old days的对比，再有例子就充实很多。B2中With automobiles, we can do plenty of things in one day.这一句话显得太单薄了也很不清楚。With automobiles, we can arrive at any destination in local area timely and discretionarily. It makes our work and life more efficient than walking or bicycling.这样更好一点。

逆风飞羊UID: 182440

这一期的同主题写作发现了一个问题，怎么几乎没有人互改了呢？希望大家继续发扬前几期的好传统，每个人帮助两名同学看作文，这样大家都会受益。我一个人的精力和能力也都有限咩

tanliqiuUID: 2163021

将近50min 435word
第一回写，多指教啊。——————另外，字数多重要吗？？？？
Since there is a public debate around us that which sort of vehicles, including automobiles, bicycles and airplanes, you think, is the most important one to all the world in the factor that change our lives, different person have different ideas. Some people think automobiles, which were invented at the beginning of last century, are the most important vehicles by the reason that they let people go out of their home to any other places they want. Some people argue that bicycles are most prevalent for everyone to own one. But I still have the ideas that airplanes are changing people’s lives in the most important factors in the world. Without them, the world is still too huge for us to travel.
Based on the advanced technology airplanes are using, the plane is the fastest vehicle in the world for us to travel from one place to another. Although the history of them is not very long, the speed of developing of them is fast enough, the same as the speed of airplanes traveling. You may also have the similar experiment. If you want to go from Beijing to Shanghai, you just need to spend two hours on a plane, comfortably, while you can choose to pay a whole day on a train or other kind of vehicles. Using a plane can save you a lot of time to charge other important events. Thanks to the inventing of airplanes, our life style is changing into a faster and more interesting way .Not only do we have the chance to travel around the world, but also extend the horizon of the reorganization of the earth which we live in.
On the other hand, airplanes are the safest vehicles in the world. According to the research of an institution, the percentage of the accident that the airplane has is much lower than that of the automobile, even other kinds of traffic. Some people think that planes flying in the inches of sky would be more dangerous, but the fact is in the opposite way. You may choose the safest way in your travel by using the airplane.
Admittedly, airplanes also have the disadvantages. The high tickets’ price is one of them .It may be too expensive to stop everyone who want to travel choosing this kind of vehicle. It has not been popular enough to show its importance to our daily life.
Airplane is still a very important transportation vehicle because of the happiness it can give the traveler by its fast and safe. It may become more popular for everyone to make up of his/her lives.

bamboo2142003UID: 2135987

Originally posted by tanliqiu at 2005-12-29 12:19
将近50min 435word
第一回写，多指教啊。——————另外，字数多重要吗？？？？

感觉第一段太长了的说，最后也没说上change people's lives . 字数太少不行吧，多一些又不是废话显水平，个人感觉。

iris_houUID: 2133514

Originally posted by 逆风飞羊 at 2005-12-29 12:05


看看这道题
Some people think that the automobile has improved modern life. Others think that the automobile has caused serious problems. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and example ...

我看到这道题了,可是要使大家全选择automobile,会不会没有新意啊。。。:confused:

amethyst111UID: 2147702

谢谢羊羊的鼓励，不知怎么的，前3次写作总是觉得没话可写，而这次 又刹不住了，呵呵

stoneSQUID: 2145827

斑竹，别急啊。我这两天比较忙，所以没怎么上，这不就来了吗。start 。。。

记得去我的帖里看看，上一帖好像把我忘了哈
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=385751

stoneSQUID: 2145827

咱们一样，我也选的airplanes。听了版主的话，挺受打击的哈，谁让咱们没好好研究题库呢！闲话少说，我拜读一下大作。

Nowadays, airplanes are considered by more and more people as（consider和as搭配，大忌！） a kind of indispensable transportation vehicles because they are fast, efficient and comfortable. Airplanes totally change people’s opinion（pl？） about traditional transportation vehicles such as bicycles and automobiles which can only run on the ground. Therefore, in my opinion, of these three modes of transportation, the airplane undoubtedly has had the greatest impact.（就像你说的，可以不提其他交通工具，你这里也是做了比较的。我的文章中也有这种倾向，仔细想想不比也罢）

First of all, airplanes can take people to very far places in a few hours（这句话不是很有彩，忒直白）, which was just a beautiful dream in ancient times. Hundreds of years ago, Chinese students who want to have an exam in Beijing had to take a tough trip which may cost several months. But now young students who will go aboard to further their studies just need to spend less than one day by（？） flying to America. In a word, because of airplanes, our earth seems much smaller than before.对比举例是个很好的思路，不过第一个古代的例子，似乎要有点背景才能理解为什么费那么大劲要去“Beijing”，有点吹毛求疵了哈。

Furthermore, airplanes lead to significant changes in people’s lifestyle. More and more people can travel far to visit splendid sites, famous cities and other countries, （sightseeing似乎有可能你用得上？）all of which could just be formed as images in their minds by reading books before（不用被动呢？which people can merely imagine in their minds according to what they read from books）. For example, in China, the number of foreign tourists largely increases each year. Because of airplanes, these foreigners can personally climb the Great Wall, visit Summer Palace and feel（taste？） Chinese culture. They may find this young country is largely different from that old mystic country written in books.感觉这段论证不好，有了飞机，人们可以旅游了，lifestyle就变了？似乎过于简单化了，个人觉得应该各个方面都简单写写，不要话这么大段的文字来说明一个不是很出彩的方面。另外语言上，可以再斟酌斟酌
Finally, with the advantage of height and speed（说法不太合适）, the airplane is increasingly becoming a vital role in many fields. On the one hand, it is no longer an impossible mission to plant trees in thousands of miles areas （？in areas of thousands of miles）because of air seeding（？）. Again, there is a more important example in medicine. Some patients who have severe disease or even are dying can be saved by donated organs which are brought by plane from thousands of miles away or even from the other side of the earth.这一段的观点不错，但是主题句说得不够好，再提升一个高度讲一讲，如何？我的第三段也类似，不过是反面的例子，读了你这段有点启发了
To sum up, if all of these factors are carefully contemplated, we may naturally come to the conclusion that, airplanes, more than other modes of transportation provided by the question, have greatly changed people’s lives.比较又来了哈。

感谢你给我的提示，有时间欢迎到我的帖里去瞅瞅。
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=385751

[ Last edited by stoneSQ on 2005-12-29 at 17:27 ]

stoneSQUID: 2145827

I prefer the airplane as the one which changed people's lives. The reason on which I base on is that it has met （realize?）our dream of flying in the sky. （这句话有语病）It makes possible somethings（？） hardly to be accomplished. （你要说的意思我懂，因为在我的文章里似乎也提到了这一点，不过你好像没说明白，尤其是那个it指什么）At the same time, it links people all over the world to be united humankind.（这句话似乎也有点问题）

Long ago, we always had a dream of flying in the sky like free（？修饰fly似乎好点） birds to see the earth where we lived from another view point. In old China, many precursors had made wooden birds and let them fly in the air although it can not last long. In the history of humankind we have tried many methods but until the Wright brothers invented the first heavier than air（？）colorflying machine can we believe we can fly as birds, though there are some differences. From then on, our flying dream comes true.

In addition to（？）, many people can not imagine heavier machines can float in the water or fly in the air until the steamboat and airplane are present. The Wrighter brothers' success proved that like the steamboat the airplane made by heavy metals can wing in the air. It shapes our view towards the world: there is nothing impossible as long as we try. To some extent, it encourages the tempting of the rocket and space navigation to explore the world we do not know. Not only the airplane itself changes our lives, but also its inspiration galvanizes us to proceed.

The most practical profit for us of （？）the airplanes is that it can send us to anywhere in the earth we need. （其他工具不行，似乎关键问题不是在这）No matter the European countries or Asian countries, even the African tribes, are convenient to achieve in no more than a day. With the help of the airplanes, the Washington is not only a dot on the map for people of other countries and we can communicate with each other quickly and easily. We should acknowledge the foreigner is not a usual word as before. We can meet people with different colors everyday and we are adapted to. If we can not afford a bit expensive plane tickets, we can correspond by air. People from distinct parts of the world are not strange to each other.

In sum, through three reasons presented above, we can conclude airplanes indeed change our lives both in practical and in spiritual aspects.（这个结论下得没有说服力）

总体ganjue：不是托福的一贯思路，开头一段你把要说的都简单用一句概括了，也不是不可以，正文部分可以分别展开深入。不过你好像不是这么做的。正文前两段都在说dream，也没有ts，第三段的主题句就给人置疑的机会

用词，句子也不是很好。正文部分我没有细致的看。

说的可能有点狠，见谅

[ Last edited by stoneSQ on 2005-12-29 at 17:46 ]

stoneSQUID: 2145827

Automobile（pl.？） has been one of the greatest inventions in the history of transportation vehicles.Before it came out,we human（humans/people?） could only travel at limited speed within specific areas,however,the introduction of automobiles get people's free travelling dreams come true.I would like to show my several points on how automobiles has changed people's lives.最后一句明确观点，个人感觉第二句的安排再考虑下，要么统领正文，要么就说automobiles的本质特征，是在正文所列层次之上的，，my oppinion

First of all,autombiles save the time people spend on traffic in cities and make our lives more convenient.People living in cities demand a（?） efficient life style that they need to finish several things a day,such as shopping,working and so on.So with an automobile parents could drive their children to schools and then to their offices next without pausing or interrupting（？）.An automobile offers people more time to spend on doing things they really want while this almost could not be possible before it was introduced.（似乎和主题句关系不大，仅给个结论似乎不太好，还要展开下） Automobiles make us a better modern lives than ever before.（总体感觉最后一句的结论有点突兀，可能是你这段的论证不是很透彻吧）
Second,automobiles creats（？） us opportunities for distant travelling and entertainment.With the development of various highways and roads,automobies could travel at a faster speed safely.On weekends,automobiles help us to travel to see our far located relatives and make a home outside picnic（？） true.We can free（这个不错） us from the urban noise to the peaceful nature in just a few ours （？）with an automoile.（这个句子要是在斟酌下，会更好）It is common known that automobile（？） make our world smaller and offer us a quality（？） life style.总感觉前面的论证和这个结论搭得不是很好呢。一些低级错误尽量避免吧

What's more,automobile culture has become one of modern culture we are experiencing.The space inside an automobile is a space which is different from the outside enjoyed only by the driver and passages inside（这个后置定语的位置似乎应该重新安排下）.The music,decoration inside a car sometimes tell what a drive（？） thinks and prefers.Automobile culture makes a part of peple's daily live.出发点很好culture！
Finally,I would like to conclude that with the above advantages automobiles cuold be viewd as a important tool that improve our lives,though there are indeed some problems they bring to us（这个让步不用说了吧，因为其他地方都没有相应的呼应啊）.Since automobile has more or less a sigh of modern life,we are expecteing that they would make our lives better and better all the time现代生活的标志，嗯！

你已经很厉害了，30分钟内还写了这么多字，我在下笔前痛下决心一定要在规定时间内完成，可是总是让我很是失望，:(

[ Last edited by stoneSQ on 2005-12-29 at 18:08 ]

stoneSQUID: 2145827

第一段的effect似乎再详细些更好，加点修饰成分之类的；
lead to defect?, invitation ?

若是支持的观点，正反面说明的比例应该更明显些

用词有我要学习的地方
Turning to the first place, the airplane’s high speed makes most people’s dreams come true. To cite a conspicuous example, several decades of years ago, going across the ocean to another continent was almost impossible for a normal （ordinary?）person unless he had a large amount of money or in the high status and so on（and so on去掉吧）. People always just stayed in one place or country all their lives, especially the people whose nation’s territory is large（这个especially有点莫名其妙）. Such as China, Russia, Australia, Brazil and so forth（单独成句？）. However, airplane（？）, the fastest transportation in the world, could provide a（？） opportunity that people may easily have a（？） oversea vocation just in a short period.  Second, the requirement of food has been thought more and more important（给人感觉很突然）; people who live in the inland place also want to taste some fresh seafood nowadays. （这个分号连接有点诡异）In that condition, using airplane can make this dream come true. What is more, after the invitation of airplane, the postal service also made a great development. Deliver（？） a（？） international post would just calling （？require）several days which greatly convenient（？） people’s lives.既然要说梦想实现，就应该紧扣，一三个例子都不是很明显，尤其是最后一个

On the other hand, the detriments of the airplane are also a part （？）cannot be ignored. First, petrol is the vital energy for the airplane to work with; a large number of barrels of petrol would be used every day just for airplane（？）, consequently, the shortage of oil would be brought into focus, which may also make the damage to the earth. （分号也用得不好，句子的结构再安排下）Second, many sorts of airplane are designed for war, so-called for dependence of other’s invasion（？）. In this circumstance, the invitation （？）of airplane would broke the harmony among the nations and threaten the survival of the human beings. In addition, airplane might cause accidences（？） which are also dangerous for the public.（定语从句冗余）

[ Last edited by stoneSQ on 2005-12-29 at 18:31 ]

iris_houUID: 2133514

Originally posted by stoneSQ at 2005-12-29 18:29
第一段的effect似乎再详细些更好，加点修饰成分之类的；
lead to defect?, invitation ?

若是支持的观点，正反面说明的比例应该更明显些

用词有我要学习的地方
Turning to the first ...

首先谢谢stoneSQ的指点，可题目是Choose one of the following transportation vehicles and explain why you think it has changed people's lives. 只是谈谈对人们生活的影响，没有必须要选择是好还是坏啊？ :confused:

小抄手闹闹UID: 2166812

54min325w  这是我的第二篇作文（昨天写了第一篇，我的TWE处女作），1T，才开始准备作文，我觉得我肯定死了，写来完全没有感觉，真想哭，可怎么考啊…………只想哭

Hundreds of years ago, flying like a bird is still a dream for human beings, but now, airplanes are so common that you can go anywhere in the world by taking a plane ,I think airplane has changed people’s lives a lot based on following reasons :

Automobiles and bicycles are transportation vehicles traveling on the ground while airplane is the only one that doesn’t rely on land which is a great progress in the history of transportation, so it become the most fast way of transportation, besides, the independence of land enables it go cross the ocean in just a dozen of hours, people who live in different continent can visit each other so convenient now. While ship needs a few months and Automobiles and bicycles can never do it.

The appear of airplane take people’s work to a new stage, no one can imaging going to a conference hold in a place thousands of miles a way and coming back in a single day many years ago when there was no airplane, it is very common now, my father is one of those who often fly here and there to meet different people and deal with different things, taking airplane saves his time ,and in nowadays, time is the money ,airplane makes his work more effective.

Not only airplane changed people’s way of doing work , but also it gives our a excellent opportunity to go on a trip to father places during a shorter period of time . we now can make a one-week trip to a couple of foreign countries as many travel agencies advertised which can be seen on the streets or TV, life become more attractive and pleasant.

Though the fee charged by airplane seems a little high for ordinary people, but it can’t demonstrate any things that can prove the airplane didn’t put a great changes on people’s lives.

窗UID: 209565

50min400w
这是我第二次发上来的作文．上次羊羊给我了很多批评，我一直在努力练习中克服缺点，觉得还是很有进步，希望羊羊再给我些指点，好吗？真的辛苦你了，咩．

With the advancement of new technology, there are numerous numbers of transportation vehicles nowadays. It cannot be doubted that people's lives have encountered a revolutionary change in the last few decades due to the development of so many vehicles. If I were asked to choose one of them which changed people’s lives greatly, I would choose automobiles. The reasons given as follows can substantiate my choice.

First of all, no one can deny that automobiles have improved our lives dramatically. For instance, with the availability of automobiles, we can go shopping more conveniently and efficiently. Quite the country, in the past, we had to cover long distances on foot and spent a large amount of time to the shopping mall, and when we finished shopping, we had to go home with so many things in hand that we are really worn out arriving at home. However, automobiles help save us a great deal of time as well as energy and therefore bring people’s lives to a new era.

Nevertheless, automobiles have also brought about some undesirable side effects to our lives. Take the environment for example. It is of significant importance to realize that automobiles have polluted our environment to a great degree. There are not only waste gas but also harmful residues given off from automobiles. Meanwhile, automobiles give rise to many traffic accidents and every year, thousands of people in the world are killed or horribly mutilated by them. In addition, an increasing number of people have been complaining about the frequent traffic jam and thus get a bad mood for their lives.

Last but not least, automobiles do provide a new pattern of life and a higher horizon to people. What we can do for travel is not just lead by a guide and see what he/she tells us to. Instead, we are able to obtain much more freedom to go everywhere we like and every time we can by our own cars. Therefore, we can broaden our horizon and gain much more knowledge throughout the world.

Despite the fact that automobiles might bring us a few demerits such as pollution, noise and heavy traffic, I would like to conclude that automobiles have changed our lives to be more convenient and comfortable. However, it is undeniable that other transportation vehicles, especially airplanes, also have changed our lives to some extent, but this is for another essay.