12月27日，1T作文第四期同主题写作。

逆风飞羊UID: 182440

实在不是我不给评，可是不知怎么回事，一到你了我这里就出事端～～～刚才本来都写完了，结果突然断网了～～～现在贴出来～～～
After the Wright brother’s first flight, airplanes have greatly changed the people’s lives. They not only cut (有这个用法吗?cut只是切的意思,至少也要用cut off之类的啊) the distance between remote areas but also strengthened the communications between countries and even continents.
        Thanks for (to) their high speed, there is no doubt that the airplanes have made the long-distance trips much easier than ever before. The time saved by this fancy way of transportation brings great benefits to the economics (这一段写的挺好的,TS也不错.但是提个问题,可大可小. 这一端说经济,可是你在第一段里只说到not only cut the distance but also strengthened the communications.这个才应该是你文章的总的TS.你写经济明显偏离了自己限定的范围哦) . Products like fresh fruits and sea fishes which could only be found in specific areas as they used to be, now is available all over the world due to the convenience brought by the airplanes. As a matter of fact, this stimulated the economical development in the areas where these kinds of products are produced. For example, the litchis, which used to be only available in southern China, by means of transporting them by airplanes, now can be found in almost every supermarket in Beijing which is a typical northern city.
        The airplanes, on the other hand, also affected the cultures as well. As the phrase ‘Global Village’ became more and more popular nowadays, despite the internet, the airplanes also contributed to this change. Because of its great speed, airplanes enabled people travel a long distance in a relatively short time. This eventually resulted in the increasing communications between people from different countries. New ideas and thoughts were spread all over the world. People are more likely to think in the same way than they used to be. Dwelling around downtown Shanghai, if not seeing all those yellow-skinned people, looking at all these skyscrapers and huge advertisement boards, you may hardly find out the differences between here and western cities like New York or Los Angels. (这一段说文化,很好.但是对于你的观点我有一点异议.我觉得应该说是促进了各地区人的沟通,不同的想法可以碰撞出火花.上海也有自己的东方魅力,是中西方的融合,不是吗?如果只说飞机让人们想的一样,未免有点牵强啊.)        In all, the impacts that the airlines have brought to us in the latest one hundred years are marvelous. They changed the cities you and I were in and even the ideas we have on this topic.

逆风飞羊UID: 182440

第一段There are numerous reasons why I make such a statement, and I would expose only a few of the most important ones here.太罗嗦了，本就romantic dream of flying 是可有可无的话，占了整个段落的一半。

第二段观点是挺不错的，但是你的例子其实只能支持你TS里的前半句话，Therefore, airplane contributes a lot to open people’s mind and to enhance the communication among people in different regions.在这个句子里是反映不出来的。建议你1，去这TS的后半句话；2，或者把例子里多加两句，说这种留学增进了~~~~等等。这就能扣上了。建议你用后面的方法，因为你的字数比较少。

第三段的TS挺好的，但是后面的话却是文不对题。And the traveling by air could offer us an interesting experience which can not be provided by other vehicles. I can still recall how excited I am when I have my first traveling by air. 这些是一个意思。但是和开头的romantic dream of flying 没有关系啊。而且后面So, isn’t airplane that gave me a new picture of our world and brought some special experiences in my life?我觉得这个反问用的不好。你本来也没说什么，就上来反问人家，人家哪知道啊？你应该扣着本段的TS说dream of flying实现的感觉才好啊

压缩时间吧，60分钟写300字，要加油哦~~！！！

逆风飞羊UID: 182440

你在开头列出了三个主题，这样的写作方式也是挺好的，但是为什么你的第三个方面一点也没有说？？如果觉得没时间了就不写了，一定要把开头列出的也擦掉。

第三段的观点不错，可是这一句With all kinds of purposes, such as taking a vacation, doing business and visiting the relatives, people could spend much less time than before in traveling.和主题中的communication of the people 没有什么关系啊 后面的奥林匹克的例子挺好的，赞一个

另外你的结尾，题目要求说vehicle对人类产生的变化，你却上来就说 airplanes have much more advantages than any other vehicles。首先这和主题无关。另外，你前面并没有提到很多比其他vehicle强的地方。顶多在二段说了 Compared with the other vehicles, including trains, automobiles, ships and bicycles, airplanes undoubtedly is the fastest and the most convenient可这也只是一个优势啊，怎么能说much more advantages 呢？

逆风飞羊UID: 182440

invention of telephone and the greatest transportation - airplane,不要在开头就这样说。正题飞机还没说呢就说电话，会让智商不够的老米犯晕，对你的作文没有好印象，对你没好处的

B1开头的三个列举挺好的，只是建议你把ship to the other side of ocean和  ride camels to across the desert的位置换置一下好处我就不说了，自己应该能体会出来吧。这一段对比很清楚，行文也很简洁明了，不错 呵呵

B2 hundreds of airplanes travelling on the sky 太少了吧~~~这段说对经济的影响，为什么不在开头加一个TS呢？那样的话这段就很完美了

As the new century coming, airplanes have became the most popular choice to travel around the world. They supply not only in conveniency on travelling but have more more（有这么用的吗？） demand on their production, thus strengthen the economic status. As far as I am concerned, I do figure out the airplane is the most important invention in the modern times.题目问的是对人类产生的变化，不是什么发明最重要，你这一结尾看起来是不是跑题了？

逆风飞羊UID: 182440

Originally posted by hotken at 2005-12-30 18:35
版主哦，我的在48楼哩，帮我看看哟~~~
还有问题想问你一下。。题库里的第87题说过去一百年的发现是不是非得自己国家的阿？它后面那个限定语in your country是修饰哪个

还是把原题贴出来吧，题号老变的．
in your country当然是自己的国家了

hotkenUID: 2135671

Originally posted by 逆风飞羊 at 2005-12-30 23:55
你在开头列出了三个主题，这样的写作方式也是挺好的，但是为什么你的第三个方面一点也没有说？？如果觉得没时间了就不写了，一定要把开头列出的也擦掉。

第三段的观点不错，可是这一句With all kinds of purpo ...

感觉一加时间限制，写的文章就有些不堪入目了~~~呵呵
还是得再改改~~HOHO:L

原题是这样的：What discovery in the last 100 years has been most beneficial of people in your country? Use specific reasons.........................

zhangheng1020UID: 2130513

就是想写飞机，执著的想写飞机
飞机想的很痛苦，汽车根本就想不出来

poraporaUID: 2156020

Originally posted by 逆风飞羊 at 2005-12-30 23:56
invention of telephone and the greatest transportation - airplane,不要在开头就这样说。正题飞机还没说呢就说电话，会让智商不够的老米犯晕，对你的作文没有好印象，对你没好处的

B1开头的三个列举挺好的， ...

多谢羊大人给小弟的评语,
真是豁然开朗阿~~!!!

不过情问一下  什么是"TS" @@? ...不懂
是thousands吗?

zhangheng1020UID: 2130513

ts == topic sentence
b1 == body 1

逆风飞羊UID: 182440

Originally posted by zhangheng1020 at 2005-12-31 02:40
就是想写飞机，执著的想写飞机
飞机想的很痛苦，汽车根本就想不出来

现在想怎么写都无所谓，但是注意一定是在考场上，能写出来才是最重要的．
限时限主题写作就是这个目的．考场上写不出来一起都没有意义．

斯塔赖特UID: 193437

谢谢斑竹啦~~回去再改改！
btw~这样的作文能到4分么?

hotkenUID: 2135671

Originally posted by hotken at 2005-12-31 00:42

感觉一加时间限制，写的文章就有些不堪入目了~~~呵呵
还是得再改改~~HOHO:L

原题是这样的：What discovery in the last 100 years has been most beneficial of people in your country? Use specific rea ...

谁能帮忙解答下哦~~~
呵呵

北回归线UID: 2130044

Originally posted by fanfancy1026 at 2005-12-30 00:24
评北回归线的

Automobiles, as the major modern transportation vehicles, change people’s lives a lot from the day they came into use.（句子用的不错， ...

帖了文章之后一直都没捞到机会上网，这才过来看到＾＾
谢谢fanfancy1026的评价哈,其实我文章应该还有满多问题的.恩,看了一下你的文,下面来回评一下:)

During the last twenty years, the great change happened in our country is that more and more people own an automobile(很多人不会只有一辆车吧,所以,改成have their own automobiles可能会好些哦) at hand. Followed by this change, people's life has altered tremendously. Although automobiles will pollute our environment to some extent, on balance(这里避免了用大俗套的过渡词,好:)), its(这里,应该指代的是上文的automobils吧,应该是their呀) advantages outweigh its disadvantages as follows.

To begin with, automobiles make it convenient to transport. In old days, people could just enjoy the necessities restricted to their own communities, as a result of undevelopment of transportation. But nowadays, due to the availability of automobiles, food, goods and so on can be easily transported to any world(?places?) in the country, even abroad. For example, some fruits such as litchi can only grow in the south because of the weather and soil condition, accordingly, it is hard for northerners to eat litchi. While owning automobiles it is easy for us to eat litchi(为避免用词重复,建议改下这里,比如for us to enjoy such specialty) everywhere in the country.

Furthermore, automobiles make us work more and more efficient. With automobiles, we can do plenty of things in one day(这里最好举例说明一下do plenty of things in one day^^). For example, we can go to a remote shopping mall to buy things and(应该去掉and,不然结构就有点问题了好象) without wasting time on the road if walking or bicycling. And if we have something urgent to do, such as an emergency, if an automobile can be used, the patient might be saved in this case(be saved in time).

Another advantage of automobiles deserved mention is that it(they) can enhance the communication between friends and family. Nowadays, life rhythms(rhythm用在这觉得有点怪,同意斑竹的意见,tempo就很好啦~) become faster and faster, peoples have less and less opportunities(我觉得似乎少了宾语) to get together. However, with an automobile, friends are easily to gather together and(同理,似乎应该去掉and) without worrying wasting too much time; likewise, young people can go to see their parents in the countryside more frequently. In this way, automobiles foster the emotional communication between people.

To conclude, with automobiles available, people's life have changed greatly, on the one hand, they offer great convenience and efficiency to people, on the other hand, they accelerate the sentimental communications between people.

我觉得总的来说写的还是不错的呀,但是有很多小细节得注意下哦,如果在细枝末节上丢掉分数,就算只丢一点,也不值得啊.

之前你说的认为我不需要花一段来写汽车的不好,我当时是这样构思的:题中说了change,没说是improve,所以我想的是正反两方面的change,即是说汽车不好的一面也从另一个方向影响了人们的生活.于是才那样写的.

我也不知道这样的构思是不是正确,希望大家来讨论下啊^^

总之,我们共同进步呀!时间不多了,一起加油~~

[ Last edited by 北回归线 on 2005-12-31 at 15:43 ]

北回归线UID: 2130044

羊斑竹呀,
俺的文章在17楼,您直接就给跳过了,再评一下行不?

我也想问问我从正反方面写这样的构思可不可取呢.
拜托啦,谢~!