argument6 同主题，寻互拍

GracielinUID: 2155155

Argument6: 565 words   30 minutes
The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
'A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money.'

The argument is well-presented, but not thoroughly well-reasoned. By citing several vague statistics and relative facts about the popularity of jazz music in the city of Monroe, the application hastily concludes that a jazz music club there would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. However, under close scrutiny this recommendation remains unpersuasive.
To begin with, the author unfairly assumes that the people in Monroe are quite interested in Jazz music. If they are, then I would agree that a club might gain some profits. Yet, just due to the evidence provided, it is unreasonable to draw such a conclusion. On the one hand, could the data 100,000 indicate the popularity amongst the residents in Monroe? It is entirely possible that Monroe is quite a large city which has a population of more than 8 million. For that matter, this evidence is hardly convincing. Even if 100.000 is a significant number do draw our attention, perhaps that most of the attendance are visitors who happens to visit the city, and by the way take part in the festival. It is unlikely that the visitors will go to the club, let alone to go there often. On the other hand, the highest-rated radio program in Monroe could do nothing to proof the popularity of Jazz music. It may be that few people in the city listens to the radio program; instead, they mainly watch TV for entertainment. No matter either is the case; I could not agree with the author’s assumption that Jazz is plays a dominant role in Monroe.
Furthermore, granted that the Jazz music could attract most of the citizen's interests, would they spend a lot of money on relative products or services?. After all, the survey is taken in the whole nation and probably reveals the average level of expenditure on Jazz entertainment. Nevertheless, this level could not represent that of Monroe. It is entirely possible that the people in Monroe just enjoy free jazz music, such as listening to radio programs, or watching video clips rather than paying for fun. Also do people who have spent lots of money on jazz music usually go to the club? Perhaps they use this money to buy magazines, concert tickets, and CDs etc.
Finally, given that a club will be successful in the city; could their club attract enough people to make profit? For one thing, they provide no information about how they will manage the business. It is known to all that the management of a business is quite essential its success. Awful administration will lead to a total loss. For another, there is still an old club in the city. Although it is a litter far away from the city, this alone doesn’t mean that the club will surely lose its customer. It is entirely possible that people are used to go to that club, thus unwilling to change for a new one. Also, the old club may have perfect musicians while the new one may lack such strong points. Unless the author could avoid such possibilities, we would doubt that the plan may become a failure..
To sum up, the author's evidence lends little credible support to his claim. To strengthen the application the author needs to provide dear evidence that the city is in need of a jazz club. To better valuate the application, I will need their detailed schemes for the club.
居然超时了，还差一句话就到时间了，晕哦，还有两天就考了。

sallyxinduUID: 2131253

首先提醒下格式，看起太乱了。
Argument6: 565 words   30 minutes
The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.
'A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money.'

The argument is well-presented, but not thoroughly well-reasoned. By citing several vague statistics and relative facts about the popularity of jazz music in the city of Monroe, the application 是writer得结论啊。hastily concludes that a jazz music club there would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. However, under close scrutiny this recommendation remains unpersuasive.
To begin with, the author unfairly assumes that the people in Monroe are quite interested in Jazz music. If they are, then I would agree that a club might gain some profits. Yet, just due to the evidence provided, it is unreasonable to draw such a conclusion. On the one hand, could the data 100,000 indicate the popularity amongst the residents in Monroe? It is entirely possible that Monroe is quite a large city which has a population of more than 8 million. For that matter, this evidence is hardly convincing. 建议每个错误写一段，显得有层次感点。Even if 100.000 is a significant number do draw our attention, perhaps that most of the attendance are visitors who happens to visit the city, and by the way take part in the festival. It is unlikely that the visitors will go to the club, let alone to go there often. On the other hand, the highest-rated radio program in Monroe could do nothing to proof the popularity of Jazz music. It may be that few people in the city listens to the radio program; instead, they mainly watch TV for entertainment. No matter either is the case; I could not agree with the author’s assumption that Jazz is plays a dominant role in Monroe.
觉得在一段里面说这么多错误不好。
Furthermore, granted that the Jazz music could attract most of the citizen's interests, would they spend a lot of money on relative products or services?. After all, the survey is taken in the whole nation and probably reveals the average level of expenditure on Jazz entertainment. Nevertheless, this level could not represent that of Monroe. It is entirely possible that the people in Monroe just enjoy free jazz music, such as listening to radio programs, or watching video clips rather than paying for fun. Also do people who have spent lots of money on jazz music usually go to the club? Perhaps they use this money to buy magazines, concert tickets, and CDs etc.
Finally, given that a club will be successful in the city; could their club attract enough people to make profit? 对于这点我觉得不是最终要的，相反，在你第一段里面的很多点是非常重要的，防在一起写反倒不好，而这点可以带过或者有时件再写。For one thing, they provide no information about how they will manage the business. It is known to all that the management of a business is quite essential its success. Awful administration will lead to a total loss. For another, there is still an old club in the city. Although it is a litter far away from the city, this alone doesn’t mean that the club will surely lose its customer. It is entirely possible that people are used to go to that club, thus unwilling to change for a new one. Also, the old club may have perfect musicians while the new one may lack such strong points. Unless the author could avoid such possibilities, we would doubt that the plan may become a failure..
To sum up, the author's evidence lends little credible support to his claim. To strengthen the application the author needs to provide dear evidence that the city is in need of a jazz club. To better valuate the application, I will need their detailed schemes for the club.
居然超时了，还差一句话就到时间了，晕哦，还有两天就考了。

文章的错误找得很全面，但觉得行文结构不理想，整个感觉很乱。另外没什么大问题了，楼住加油，预祝好成绩。