我的5T同主题写作第二期的正式修改稿！

lanccyUID: 2156906

第一稿的惨痛教训让我幡然醒悟，现推出第二稿，希望大家继续支持。声明：结尾段参考了wwondery的句式，向其表示最崇高的敬意！:handshake

It is irrefutable that differences exist between children and adults, which can only be eliminated after one goes through several major events on one’s way to become an adult. As far as I am concerned, I would give the event that one first pick up his parents’ bill the first priority to be a milestone on his transition from a child to an adult.

To begin with, paying for parents indicates one’s ability of self-independence. I don’t mean to define people as selfish; nonetheless, the fact is that only when one is capable to satisfy his basic needs, assuming he is a sensible man, can he takes time to consider the plight of others, even if they are his parents. In other words, we cannot expect a child without steady income to subsist to support his parents. Thus, self-independence, a prerequisite for one to take care of his parents, is a critical mark of one’s maturity.

Besides, there lies a more in-depth one. It is the call of affection that urges one to assume his parents’ debt. It is said that love is the reward of love. That children are juvenile partly attributes to their unilateral acceptance of love. However, with the age increasing, the accumulation of love in children’s mind leads to its output naturally. When one is willing to help an elder into a car, considerate to close the window for an invalid, he, as I reckon, has passed through the turning point in his life to be an adult.

Perhaps the most significant reason is that paying for parents’ check demonstrates one’s sense of responsibility. No excuse can justify one’s shuffling out of supporting his parents, however poor or impassive he is. Adults are so called because they understand their obligation and undertake the commitment without any complaint. Once the self-partial children behaving as they wish come to realize the significance of fulfilling their duties, they are qualified to step into the world of adults.

To put into a nutshell, paying for parents, as a symbol of one’s changing from a child to an adult, is a transition turn in each one’s life in that it indicates one’s ability of self-independence as well as the sense of responsibility, accompanied with one’s dedication of love, which may finally become an event that lives on in one’s mind forever.

xizzhuUID: 2195156

原帖由 lanccy 于 2006-4-17 02:09 发表
第一稿的惨痛教训让我幡然醒悟，现推出第二稿，希望大家继续支持。声明：结尾段参考了wwondery的句式，向其表示最崇高的敬意

审题再被强调也不为过

It is irrefutable that differences exist between children and adults, which can only be eliminated after one goes through several major events on one’s way to become an adult. As far as I am concerned, I would give the event that one first pick up his parents’ bill the first priority to be a milestone on his transition from a child to an adult.

To begin with, paying for parents indicates one’s ability of self-independence. I don’t mean to define people as selfish; nonetheless, the fact is that only when one is capable to satisfy his basic needs, assuming he is a sensible man, can he takes time to consider the plight of others, even if they are his parents. In other words, we cannot expect a child without steady income to subsist to support his parents. Thus, self-independence, a prerequisite for one to take care of his parents, is a critical mark of one’s maturity.

Besides, there lies a more in-depth one. It is the call of affection that urges one to assume his parents’ debt. It is said that love is the reward of love. That children are juvenile partly attributes to their unilateral acceptance of love. However, with the age increasing, the accumulation of love in children’s mind leads to its output naturally. When one is willing to help an elder into a car, considerate to close the window for an invalid, he, as I reckon, has passed through the turning point(what is your topic sentence in this paragraph?   "turning point" is exactly required to point our and explain.   what those "turning point" make a person an adult? in his life to be an adult.

Perhaps the most significant reason is that paying for parents’ check(bills) demonstrates one’s sense of responsibility. No excuse can justify one’s shuffling out of supporting his parents, however poor or impassive he is. Adults are so called because they understand their obligation and undertake the commitment without any complaint. Once the self-partial children behaving as they wish come to realize the significance of fulfilling their duties, they are qualified to step into the world of adults.

To put into a nutshell, paying for parents, as a symbol of one’s changing from a child to an adult, is a transition turn in each one’s life in that it indicates one’s ability of self-independence as well as the sense of responsibility, accompanied with one’s dedication of love, which may finally become an event that lives on in one’s mind forever.

event 好象就一个.  --- paying for parents.
good things are that you did show your  ability to write "longer" sentences and you has a wide vocabulary.  However, the first function of a language is to express your thoughts.

here is mine: 诚心求拍
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D4

[ 本帖最后由 xizzhu 于 2006-4-17 03:47 编辑 ]

蝴蝶结UID: 195566

It is irrefutable that differences exist between children and adults, which can only be eliminated after one goes through several major events on one’s way to become an adult. As far as I am concerned, I would give the event that one first pick up his parents’ bill the first priority to be a milestone on his transition from a child to an adult.

To begin with, paying for parents indicates one’s ability of self-independence. I don’t mean to define people as selfish; nonetheless, the fact is that only when one is capable to satisfy his basic needs, assuming he is a sensible man, can he takes take time to consider the plight of others, even if they are his parents. In other words, we cannot expect a child without steady income to subsist to support his parents. Thus, self-independence, a prerequisite for one to take care of his parents, is a critical mark of one’s maturity.

Besides, there lies a more in-depth one. It is the call of affection that urges one to assume his parents’ debt. It is said that love is the reward of love. That children are juvenile partly attributes to their unilateral acceptance of love. However, with the age increasing, the accumulation of love in children’s mind leads to its output naturally. When one is willing to help an elder into a car, considerate to close the window for an invalid, he, as I reckon, has passed through the turning point in his life to be an adult.

Perhaps the most significant reason is that paying for parents’ check demonstrates one’s sense of responsibility. No excuse can justify one’s shuffling out of supporting his parents, however poor or impassive he is. Adults are so called because they understand their obligation and undertake the commitment without any complaint. Once the self-partial children behaving as they wish come to realize the significance of fulfilling their duties, they are qualified to step into the world of adults.

To put into a nutshell, paying for parents, as a symbol of one’s changing from a child to an adult, is a transition turn in each one’s life in that it indicates one’s ability of self-independence as well as the sense of responsibility, accompanied with one’s dedication of love, which may finally become an event that lives on in one’s mind foreve

很不错的文章,主题和三个分论点立意都很好~
注意一下个别的用词就更好啦,比如说某一个人的时候用he/she会比只用he好些~

lanccyUID: 2156906

谢谢MM，我会继续努力

夜一UID: 2130338

有问题啊
Topic: People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experience or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your opinion.
先且不论文章的event是一个，而题目的要求是复数
文章基本上只论述了why this event does such things，完全没有涉及到how，这样真的符合要求么？
difference是题目中的一个既成事实，只用列举，不用论证。events就是要cause这些differences之间的转变，个人认为how to cause才是最重要的
另外即使why可以被接受，when one does something one becomes an adult这样的内容也最好不要有，when one faces something one does something, and one becomes an adult gradually还差不多，差别是比较细微的，我也说不太清楚
总之就是，根据我对题目的理解，主体应该是how，why可以作为辅佐，when的话就算了

lanccyUID: 2156906

什么when,how,why？题目是问what events, 举出event后再作解释，解释的方向未定吧
确切的说，我的第一稿也是写的复数，但是我在看了几篇范文之后，发现有的就是找我现在这样的结构来写的，ETS给了5分，我觉得这样的结构写起来比较熟悉，就采用了这样的方式。应该不会有什么问题吧，我确实是看到范文上这么写的

yogurt4UID: 198389

路过,提醒一下格式
每段顶格写,段与段之间要空一行.
或者每段开头空2格,段与段之间不空行.