Topic 7 同主题第三篇 面目全非

allisonUID: 192807

Movies and television influence people’s behavior in various ways, from transmitting worldwide fashion trends to inculcating environment protection sense, and unavoidably some adverse effect, like causing teenagers to take violent action. Vehement debates relating to these phenomena have taken place among sociologists, educators and TV makers. Certain reasons and examples as I meditate are as followings.

Globalization of the movies and televisions, in no doubt, simultaneously accelerate global fashion trend in every part of the world. With the entertainment programs, star leading advertisements as well as the famously designed apparel fashion shows submerging in the televisions, assimilation of our own value toward fashion is subconsciously occurring every minute. For instance, girls in China are becoming more like Japanese and Korean in dressing because of the increasingly popular of dramas and love story movies produced by Japanese and Korean in Asia. How can anyone resist to beauty and ideal life leading by the characters in the films?

On the other hand, television advertisement, in its most valuable aspect, propagandizes some ethics beneficial to our society, such as environmental protection consciousness. Case in point, Hongkong government has already publicized series of such advertisement asking for its citizens to pay attention to protect environment by taking action which may be slight, yet significant in the long run. As a result, residents there become more conscious about the surrounding they are living in and always impress tourists by their high awareness of environment protection.

Unfortunately, adverse effect of movies and televisions, which inadequately extol solution of difficulty through violent means, urge teenagers to imitate such hero behavior in the movies. Such programs greatly distort the teenager’ mind and finally cause detrimental damage of their bodies. It is no denied that teenager criminals increase enormously since the popularization of some action movie and violent television programs.

All in all, movies and televisions bring forth bout positive and negative influence on our daily behavior. While we should expand its beneficial effect such as imparting environmental protecting knowledge, we must exert our utmost to eliminate its harmfulness, especially its detrimental impact on teenagers. Only in this way can we explore the infinite advantages of television to help build up a stronger society.


半小时内完成了一篇，超级恶心， 这一篇自己改了好久的，和半小时内写的已面目全非，思想内容大概是一样的，但谴词造句就大为逊色了，一急起来什么都写不出了，更不用说什么排比句，同位句。。。痛哭


请教一下怎样在30分钟内写出满意的作文，模板该怎样去套用？

[ 本帖最后由 allison 于 2006-4-20 17:12 编辑 ]

czj_swufeUID: 199954

看到第三段on  the other hand我习惯性去找on one hand没找到
感觉就是在段落之间衔接上加几个小词就更完美了

bert2006UID: 2194175

Movies and television influence people’s behavior in various ways, from transmitting worldwide fashion trends to inculcating environment protection sense, and [and 连接的应该是平行的结构在这里漏了个动词have]unavoidably some adverse effect[effects], like causing teenagers to take violent action[actions]. Vehement debates relating to these phenomena have taken place among sociologists, educators and TV makers. Certain reasons and examples as I meditate are as followings. [首段里最好明确表明自己的观点]

Globalization of the movies and televisions, in no doubt, simultaneously accelerate global fashion trend[trends] in every part of the world. With the entertainment programs, star leading advertisements as well as the famously designed apparel fashion shows submerging in the televisions, assimilation of our own value toward fashion is subconsciously occurring every minute. For instance, girls in China are becoming more like Japanese and Korean in dressing because of the increasingly popular of dramas and love story movies produced by Japanese and Korean in Asia. How can anyone resist to beauty and ideal life leading[led] by the characters in the films?

On the other hand, television advertisement, in its most valuable aspect, propagandizes some ethics beneficial[benefits] to our society, such as environmental protection consciousness. Case in point, Hongkong government has already publicized series of such advertisement asking for [asking]its citizens to pay attention to [多余]protect environment by taking action which may be slight, yet significant in the long run. As a result, residents there become more conscious about the surrounding they are living in and always impress tourists by their high awareness of environment protection.

Unfortunately, adverse effect of movies and televisions, which inadequately extol solution of difficulty [solving problems]through violent means, urge teenagers to imitate such hero behavior in the movies. Such programs greatly distort the teenager’ mind and finally cause detrimental damage of their bodies. It is no denied that [No doubt]teenager criminals increase enormously since [because of]the popularization of some action movie and violent television programs.

All in all, movies and televisions bring forth bout [both]positive and negative influence on our daily behavior. While we should expand its beneficial effect such as imparting environmental protecting knowledge, we must exert our utmost to eliminate its harmfulness, especially its detrimental impact on teenagers. Only in this way can we explore the infinite advantages of television to help build up a stronger society.

lz句子结构用的不错，只是有很多小的语法错误，速度提高提高的同时也要注意这些重要的细节，另外文章的论点不够明确，让人看了抓不到你想论证的是什么。继续加油:)

[ 本帖最后由 bert2006 于 2006-4-20 19:00 编辑 ]

susan8940UID: 160449

楼主用词好丰富啊!佩服!
句式结构也都挺好.
只有一问题,on the other hand是不是表示跟前面叙述的相对或相反的内容,难道
也能表示递进或并列关系?跟in addition,what's more 一样?

我的,请楼主多指教:  :)
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

expire7UID: 2160574

LZ用词很好啊.不过大词的使用还是要小心一些。有些的使用不是哪里都可以用的。
你的结构内部连接有点生硬。再fluent就好了。加油啊。

on the other hand表示弱转折。

allisonUID: 192807

谢谢各位，我写时的确没有很在意内部结构，就是自己也觉得自己写的东西不够fluent
我会继续努力^_^