作文topic161

Esther.LiUID: 191003

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In my twenty years’ life, I received lots of gifts and presents, among which I remember one of my birthday gifts most clearly. That is my brother’s scold, which is pretty special from the other. In my opinion, gifts and presents that people remember are always special ones for reasons as follows.

To come the first, special things themselves always have people’s interest. Just as a man who takes rice day after day as dinner, one day when he is supplied with KFC, he must feel the fried chicken extremely delicious. It is the same with gifts. That is to say, those which are not able to meet frequently in everyday life are easier to draw one’s attention and have him or her remember them.

What’s more, special gifts with great meaning are especially welcomed and easily remembered. Just as I have stated at the beginning of the essay, I myself is a good example to demonstrate this problem. The reason why I remember that “gift” is that at that time I just failed in several significant exams, which could determine my direction of life to some extent, and I was so depressed that I couldn’t put my heart into work but played games and watching films all day long. It is brother’s scotch that awoke me to stick to my heart and face the future earnestly. No present could be more meaningful to me in that situation, I think.

Besides, special presents that could meet one’s needs are well remembered as well. Take Russia and China as an example. Tens of years ago, when China was just built up, scientists and materials were badly needed. To help China, Russia sent many a scientists and support China with arms and techniques. After the tough time, Chinese people still remember and are grateful to Russia, for its present greatly med China’s needs and assisted China to pass the tough years. And therefore, I intend to say that a present in need is a present that will be easily remembered and thanked.

To sum up, the answer to the question that why people remember special gifts and presents might lies in that special things themselves are easy to draw one’s attention, special gifts with great meanings are unforgettable for a person, and special present that meets one’s badly need can never be forgotten and are always appreciated.
                                                        （30min，395字，字写得很难看:L）
疑似跑题，自己感觉例子好像不恰当。。。
吃完饭回来修改:L
谢谢大砖:mad:

Esther.LiUID: 191003

In my twenty years’ life, I received lots of gifts and presents, among which I remember one of my birthday gifts most clearly. That is my brother’s scold, which is pretty special from the other. In my opinion, gifts and presents that people remember are always special ones for reasons as follows.

To come the first, special things themselves always have people’s interest. Just as a man who takes rice day after day as dinner, one day when he is supplied with KFC, he must feel the fried chicken extremely delicious. It is the same with gifts. That is to say, those which are not able to meet frequently in everyday life are easier to draw one’s attention and have him or her remember them.

What’s more, special gifts with great meaning are especially welcomed and easily remembered. Just as I have stated at the beginning of the essay, I myself is a good example to demonstrate this problem. The reason why I remember that “gift” is that at that time I had just failed in several significant exams, which could almost determine my direction of life to some extent, and I was so depressed that I couldn’t put my heart into work but played games and watched films all day long. It is brother’s scotch that awoke me to stick to my heart and face the future earnestly. No present could be more meaningful to me in that situation, I think.

Besides, special presents that could meet one’s needs are well remembered as well. Take Russia and China as an example. Tens of years ago, when China was just built up, scientists and materials were badly needed. To help China, Russia sent many a scientist and supported China with arms and techniques. After the tough ages, Chinese people still remember and are grateful to Russia, for its present greatly met China’s needs and assisted China to pass the tough years. And therefore, I intend to say that a present in need is a present that will be easily remembered and persistently thanked.

To sum up, the answer to the question that why people remember special gifts and presents might lies in that special things themselves are easy to draw one’s attention, special gifts with great meanings are unforgettable for a person, and special present that meets one’s keen need can never be forgotten and are always appreciated.

改动处用红色标了一下。
感觉跟没改差不多，句子没觉得有太大问题，再改就得换例子了:( 就等于重写……
不知道这样的开头是不是不太好，不过自己不喜欢那种一上来就Generally...或者When facing...或者Many people...之类的开头:(

[ 本帖最后由 Esther.Li 于 2006-5-6 14:54 编辑 ]

zhangheng1020UID: 2130513

拍了拍了~~~
1 不挑语法，最近语法过敏= = 不是RPWT

2 通篇看下来，觉得楼主最大的问题在于文体混乱。具体分析如下：
我很喜欢这样的开头，In my twenty years’ life, I received lots of gifts and presents, among which I remember one of my birthday gifts most clearly. That is my brother’s scold, which is pretty special from the other. 第一句话基本上已经确定全文是继续说明文。看完首段In my opinion, gifts and presents that people remember are always special ones for reasons as follows.我觉得下来自然是对当时事件的再次叙述。可是正文却陷入套路中，

B1
To come the first, special things themselves always have people’s interest.确实很有道理，可是，总不能说你哥哥的人生理想是KFC炸鸡吧，按照马斯洛的5层需要理论，你哥哥即便是不上升到心怀祖国兼达天下，起码也要有一个I HAVE A DREAM高度,这里说天天吃米饭，发现爱吃炸鸡也不错，可是应该在升华下
B2
What’s more, special gifts with great meaning are especially welcomed and easily remembered.下来说考试失败，人生颓废，OK,这里面哥哥出来It is brother’s scotch that awoke me to stick to my heart and face the future earnestly. 老美不像咱们中国人从小共产主义教育，勤俭节约之类的，以老外的思维来说，这里特别的费解，为什么哥哥喜欢吃炸鸡就是抠门？（美国炒菜-米饭的中餐可是有钱人才吃得起的）为什么他抠门就让你的人生 earnestly正经了？你的人生不 earnestly了吗（前文没有具体描述）？你在首段说哥哥教训你了，可是作为事件的实质没有具体的描述看了感觉逻辑是哥哥吃炸鸡---我不颓废了。这个受到教育的过程是非常苍白的。 No present could be more meaningful to me in that situation, I think.
B3
Besides, special presents that could meet one’s needs are well remembered as well.下来开始说罗刹国和我国建交的问题，哥哥妹妹哪里去了？ 最后的回应And therefore, I intend to say（这里没有觉得可以联系到自己的地方） that a present in need is a present that will be easily remembered and persistently thanked。
如果是按照议论文来写，应该一个论点一个典型的例子，起码BS要服务TS.

3词汇的运用是小问题
he is supplied，可以，自己觉得有点怪
  which could almost determine my direction of life to some extent感觉似乎有一点空泛
Just as I have stated at the beginning of the essay,  I myself is a good example to demonstrate this problem.文章本身篇幅就很小，这样的话最好少一点

4如果我来写
按照您的开头
介绍你恨颓废，竞赛失败（准备很久，但是没有得第一）（老说不及格，也不太好不是？）然后失去了名校报送的机会等等。
考前约定和哥哥去法国餐厅吃西餐（或者萨拉波尔等等贵的地方），可是刚好哥哥刚刚跳槽，经济拮据，原以为会取消约定。没想到请你去吃KFC,席间哥哥啃着炸鸡似乎无意的说：没钱只是暂时的，没考好也是仅仅一次的失败，不要因为这样就觉得自己没有吃西餐的机会。机会在自己手中，吃不成法国大餐，可以先从KFC开始，关键不要放弃梦想云云。
（这个时候拎起一段讲深受感动，这要占到1/3篇幅比较合适）从KFC出来，心情豁然开朗。觉得炸鸡等等并不重要，既然我吃炸鸡就要快乐的享受吃炸鸡的过程，然后相信自己下次就可以吃到法餐。就像不要因为没有保送就怀疑自己的能力，要向哥哥的乐观坚定学习，相信自己的努力会有回报
（最后要是有时间再煽情一把的升华）虽然没有保送，一年以后，我顺利的考上了更好的学校，同时哥哥的订单也已经签到了明年。这次各个请我吃西餐，我微笑着仍旧点KFC,因为你知道即便是当初那顿KFC,也是哥哥为了宽慰你，专门借钱请你吃的。从此以后，KFC成为双方的秘密，什么礼物都比不上

一家之言，仅供参考，希望抛砖引玉。加油！

[ 本帖最后由 zhangheng1020 于 2006-5-6 17:01 编辑 ]

zhangheng1020UID: 2130513

或者是经典的常规写法，两者则一就好。

Esther.LiUID: 191003

原帖由 zhangheng1020 于 2006-5-6 16:46 发表
拍了拍了~~~
1 不挑语法，最近语法过敏= = 不是RPWT

2 通篇看下来，觉得楼主最大的问题在于文体混乱。具体分析如下：
我很喜欢这样的开头，In my twenty years’ life, I received lots of gifts and presen ...

我的思路（结构）是这样的：
1段以我的个人经历和亲身感受引出并复述topic：特别的礼物会被记住。
2段：特别的东西本身就容易引起人们的兴趣，比如一个人天天吃米饭，某天突然吃了一顿炸鸡，就会觉得特别美味。
3段：有特殊意义的礼物（特别的礼物中的一种）会被记住。举例。
4段：特别急人之需的礼物（也是特别的礼物中的一种）会被记住。举例。
5段：总结，复述2、3、4段的TS。

这绝不是记叙文，第一句不过是为了引出topic。这样写会给评卷人造成误会？:confused:
另外我感觉您好像没看懂我的essay，也可能是我的表达问题..汗..:L

Anyway，谢谢您的意见，一起加油！:handshake


[ 本帖最后由 Esther.Li 于 2006-5-6 20:00 编辑 ]

Esther.LiUID: 191003

对了顺便问一句twe达人，像3楼绿色字那样写可行么？@_@
从来不曾想过那样写的说....

宝贝小猪UID: 2135340

In my twenty years’ life 感觉你要表达的意思不地道，地道的我也不太清楚, I received lots of gifts and presents, among which I remember one of my birthday gifts most clearly. That is my brother’s scold, which is pretty special from the other. In my opinion, gifts and presents that people remember are always special ones for reasons as follows 人们能记住的礼物是special和special的礼物能被记住好像有区别吧，题目说得是special gifts can be remembered

To come the first To the first/First, special things themselves always have people’s interest. Just as a man who takes rice day after day as dinner who takes rice for food, one day when he is supplied with KFC, he must feel the fried chicken extremely delicious. It is the same with gifts 用一个从句看看，which is the same to gifts. That is to say, those which are not able to meet frequently in everyday life are easier to draw one’s attention and have him or her remember them这个，难道不经常meet的东西就一定会remember么？关键是要喜欢，gift要有特殊的意义，这里举的farmer的例子也不是很好

What’s more, special gifts with great influential meaning are especially welcomed and easily remembered. Just as I have stated at the beginning of the essay, I myself is a good example to demonstrate this problem point. The reason why I remember that “gift” is that at that time Once upon a time I had just failed in several significant exams, which could almost determine my direction orientation of life to some extent, and I was so depressed that I couldn’t put my heart into work but played play games and watched watch films all day long. It is was brother’s scotch that awoke me to stick to my heart and face the future earnestly. No present could be more meaningful to me in that situation, I think

Besides, special presents that could meet one’s needs are well remembered as well. Take Russia and China as an example. Tens of years ago, when China was just built up was developing, scientists and materials were badly needed. To help China, Russia sent many a scientist and supported China with arms and techniques. After the tough ages, Chinese people still remember and are grateful to Russia, for its present greatly met China’s needs and assisted China to pass the tough years. And therefore, I intend to say that a present in need is a present that will be easily remembered and persistently thanked.不知道这一段的例子能不能作为礼物讲

To sum up, the answer to the question that why people remember special gifts and presents might lies in that special things themselves are easy to draw one’s attention, special gifts with great meanings are unforgettable for a person, and special present that meets one’s keen need can never be forgotten and are always appreciated.

嗯，你的文章关键的是对gift的概念没有把握好，就感觉第二段的gift还算是gift，第三段苏联帮助中国，那个算是礼物么？我觉得礼物应该是送出去了以后就收不回来了，那些scientist最后可是回去了，其实这个文章你完全可以写一些小的gift，比如说你gg送你的让你难以忘怀的diamond ring，or rose等等，呵呵，这样的身边的例子写了比写中国那些大例子好多了，嘿嘿

Ps:你的内容好像你的博客的内容啊，gg来给你过生，然后训斥你一顿，然后就回去鸟
果然是一个G强人，看G，T的作文现在才看，同样是5t6g，我怎么就不能和你一样呢？我把G完全放了
【偶天天关注你的blog，嘿嘿】

[ 本帖最后由 宝贝小猪 于 2006-5-6 21:50 编辑 ]

Esther.LiUID: 191003

原帖由 宝贝小猪 于 2006-5-6 20:37 发表
seat taken，nod:p

你这样回了好几个帖子了，占偶滴楼8给拍的话，偶可要罚款哦~ :o

LloydRodmanUID: 2160010

我认为special things固然能引起人们的好奇心 但不一定天天吃白米饭的人就一定喜欢吃kfc吧？至少我就认识很多对这些洋快餐不感兴趣的人...还有一点 送急需品也不一定就special吧？比如给灾区群众送粮食...米能称得上special吗？
呵呵 以上个人意见 仅供参考~

Esther.LiUID: 191003

原帖由 LloydRodman 于 2006-5-6 21:09 发表
我认为special things固然能引起人们的好奇心 但不一定天天吃白米饭的人就一定喜欢吃kfc吧？至少我就认识很多对这些洋快餐不感兴趣的人...还有一点 送急需品也不一定就special吧？比如给灾区群众送粮食...米能称得 ...

嗯... 有道理，偶木想到这点..
后面那个例子，考虑到两国友谊，急需品作为一种特殊的礼物... 当时觉得还行，现在也不知道是不是恰当了... 或许送大熊猫之类的例子要更恰当些，嗯...
谢谢指教啊！:D:handshake

宝贝小猪UID: 2135340

原帖由 Esther.Li 于 2006-5-6 20:54 发表

你这样回了好几个帖子了，占偶滴楼8给拍的话，偶可要罚款哦~ :o

mm啊，我都改了3－4个了，也应该休息一下吧，刚才在练习听力，看了你的看hengjj的去

[ 本帖最后由 宝贝小猪 于 2006-5-6 21:17 编辑 ]

Esther.LiUID: 191003

原帖由 宝贝小猪 于 2006-5-6 21:15 发表

mm啊，我都改了3－4个了，也应该休息一下吧，刚才在练习听力，看了你的看hengjj的去

刚才还喊偶老大呢，怎么改口了？;P
嗯嗯，偶也先背单词去，等会儿回来看~  你要有要拍的也留个链哦~ :lol

expire7UID: 2160574

原帖由 Esther.Li 于 2006-5-6 21:23 发表

刚才还喊偶老大呢，怎么改口了？;P
嗯嗯，偶也先背单词去，等会儿回来看~  你要有要拍的也留个链哦~ :lol

不要抢我的口头禅。哎呀呀。呵呵水了一个:p

Esther.LiUID: 191003

原帖由 expire7 于 2006-5-6 21:50 发表


不要抢我的口头禅。哎呀呀。呵呵水了一个:p

又逮住一个:D~ 进来的通通给我拍:o！要不然谁也甭想出去！~ :mad:

expire7UID: 2160574

写的还是有新意阿。不过你如果B2和首段直接连会不会好点。毕竟你首段提到了，然后后面还要展开说。如果B1是个不错的展开TS，我觉得也应该放在后面去吧。

中国有送过大熊猫么？这种级别的例子还是要真实吧。个人意见。