argument6 义无反顾小组第五次作业

天边一朵云UID: 2157330

Argu 6
The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."

提纲：1、利润主要和管理有关，作者没有提供相关信息
         2、不一定拥有所有客源
         3、jazz 在Monroe 的受欢迎程度无法证明。（参加节日的不一定是当地人，花钱多的人不一定很多。）
         4、除了去俱乐部，还有很多欣赏jazz的方式

In this analysis, the arguer tries to convince us that the profit of a jazz music club in Monroe will mounting soon because it has some favorable geographical position. The nearest jazz club is 65 miles away and jazz is very popular among local people, spending large sum of money each year on jazz music. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.

In the first place, whether or not a club will make profits largely depends on its management performance. Do the managers of the club have insight in jazz music market? Do they have some superior ideas appealing to jazz fans? Are there some attractions in the club unique enough to pull the jazz fans around to visit it? How their advertising strategies work out? If all of these cannot be promised, then a club even with the best external conditions will be defeated in the serious competition.

Granted that the club does has an outstanding management team, it is too hasty do draw the conclusion that the club will have the local market all to itself simply because the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away. Real jazz fans who have private cars do not consider 65 miles a long distance as long as the jazz music played there appealed to them. And such a possibility is not being ruled out that there exist some other clubs which play not only jazz but also some other types of music. Apparently, these clubs can attract varieties of customers thus conquer the whole market.

Thirdly, it is still open to doubt that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe. On one hand, the statistic of the people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer tells little about its popularity among local residents, since no evidence is provided that all these people or at least most of them come from Monroe. People who are driving from other towns particularly to attend this festival may account for the majority of the total number. Relatively, no specific number is presented of how many people are the typical jazz fan who spends close to $1000 per year. What if such kind of people is so little that they cannot contribute much to the profits of the club? Then the arguer's conclusion is far from convincible.

Last but not least, even assuming all the conditions listed by the arguer are reasonable, no one can guarantee that all the jazz fans will go to the jazz club as their preferential choice. There are various kinds of ways for them to choose. For example, listening to radio programs is both saving and convenient. Besides, jazz CD is another good option for they can enjoy their favorable music while staying with friends or family. All of these tend to impair the credibility of the arguer's conclusion.

To sum up, this conclusion lacks validity because the evidence cited in the analysis doed not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide evidence to prove that the club enjoys advantages in management as well as more detailed information concerning the real popularity of jazz in Monroe. Additionally, the arguer would have to rule out possibilities that jazz fans would choose radio or CDs rather than going to the club as their ways to entertain.

554 words

glxingUID: 2156425

天边一朵云 ,你又是第一个啊。对了，上次给你的段消息收到了没？

yuviUID: 2169411

提綱：
1．        m市是否需要jazz club?
a)        65公里外的俱樂部並不是太大的問題
b)        全部市場有多少潛在份額
2．        流行的程度
a)        爵士節上10万人的來源
b)        音樂家的居住人數多不等于爵士愛好者的居民多
c)        爵士節目好評的來源
3．        其他邏輯錯誤
a)        全國的消費不等于地方
b)        俱樂部是否賺錢需要多方考量

This application claims that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise caused by various supporting evidence, however, after careful examination, the applicant's claim suffers from a series of logical problems and therefore is unpersuasive as follows.

To begin with, the application is depends on the fallacious assumption that the Monroe jazz market will totally open for their proposed club "C-Notes". Firstly, as the applicant mentioned, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away from Monroe. Common sense informs that a one-hour-less driving time is not a big deal for the residents in Monroe to attend that jazz club. And if the 65-miles-away club exists for a long time, it might be occupied local market already for the jazz music fans. Secondly, with an absence of the evidence about the jazz local market in Monroe, there is another fundamental question that is: How many people would like to go to a jazz club in the percentage of the residents in Monroe? Without the evidence to indicate the potential customers' numbers of the jazz club, the applicant could not simply contends that "C-Notes" would have all the local market by itself.

In the second place, the applicant also fails to indicate that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe for three reasons: First, there is no evidence shows the source of those people attended to Monroe's jazz festival in last summer. It is possibly that most of such 100,000 people were tourists and not living in Monroe. Second, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe does not mean there are many jazz fans as residents in Monroe. The profit for a jazz club is major from their customers rather than its conveners. Further, the applicant draws an unsupported information about the highest-rated radio program "Jazz Nightly" airs every weeknight, without any evidence of the "highest-rates", it is also unpersuasive to indicate that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe. Therefore, fails to evaluate, at least without any evidence to support above information, the applicant lacks validities to indicate that jazz is real extremely popular in Monroe.

Finally, here even assuming the applicant could provide such evidences all mentioned above, this application is still suffers from two classic fallacies that render the claim indefensible. The most clear one is the sample of the typical jazz fan in a nationwide study cannot represent the spending level of the residents in Monroe. Thus such people spend close to 1000 dollars per year on jazz entertainment does not mean anything in the case in this application. Moreover, whether a jazz club would be profitable enterprise depends on several factors, for example, the management performance, the funding arrangement, the previous experience, or the adverting strategy etc. Without providing any details of those information, the applicant's claim could not be a persuasive one.

To sum up, this application cannot be taken seriously as it stands. To better evaluate it, the applicant must show the additional evidence about the present jazz market in Monroe, and other means, if any, are available to support that there is a need for the "C-Notes" in Monroe and it will make profits.


(522 words)

glxingUID: 2156425

ARGUMENT6 - The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."
提纲：
1，作者没有证明当地人喜欢jazz，分三点攻击
2，即使喜欢，作者无法证明他们会把钱花在jazz club上，分两点攻击
3，作者也无法证明当地人会嫌远而不去另外一家——开业后能否盈利

The author thinks that a jazz music club in Monroe would make money and his line of reasoning is that the local people like jazz music very much and the nearest jazz club is far away. However, close scrutiny of this statement reveals that the author has made several logical mistakes, as follows.

To be first, the author fails to convince us that the jazz music is extremely popular in  Monroe. There are three flaws in the statement. The first one is that100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer , however, it is possible that many of them were not local people but the nearby residents. Even though all of the 100,000 people are local residents, the total number of Monroe is not known to judge whether the jazz music is liked by most of people. Also, the last year's example can not demonstrate the overall condition for a long time. The second one is that those well-known jazz musicians choosing Monroe to live in can not be convincing evidence because the author does not exclude other factors which may attract them to live, such as the convenient traffic or comfortable environment. The third one is that people may choose to listen to "Jazz Nightly"  because there are few choices of radio program in Monroe or the DJ of the highest-rated program is popular rather than jazz music is popular.

Moreover, even if the jazz music is actually popular in Monroe, the author can not conclude that people would spend money on jazz music club just according to a survey. First of all, the survey just represents the nationwide condition but Monroe may be different , let alone the survey itself lack necessary information to demonstrate its reliability, such as the survey samples and the number of respondents. Lastly, spending money on jazz entertainment does not mean only going to jazz music club , there are also other choices such as buying music CD or attending jazz music concerts.

Lastly, the author thinks that the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away so that local people would not go there after the C Note club is open, but he or she does not give any survey to support this point. Maybe with the help of car, people do not feel 65 miles are a long way. Also, if they have adapted the performance of that club, they would not change easily to the C Note.

To sum up, the statement fails to convince us as it stands. To strengthen it, the author should provides more information to demonstrate that  people in Monroe is popular actually and they would like to spend money on it. It is better that the author make a survey to prove that local people like to change  to go to  the C Note after it is open.

glxingUID: 2156425

芹菜，怎么才能把自己发过的帖子或是跟贴些的作文比较方便的保存下来？
我用“我的话题”，发现不好用。
请指教，呵呵

yuviUID: 2169411

TO:小蜗牛
我觉得最方便的就是copy & paste 到word里保存.
要不然就是点帖子下面的"收藏主题",
另外有个方便的方法找每次的作业:
就是去"小组章程"里,看"作业连接"一栏,我会把作业全部都汇总的哈..:)

AnddieUID: 2135826

又修改了一下～～

提纲：
1．        当地潜在的顾客不一定多(popular不等于喜欢jazz)
2．        即使多，这些顾客中会参加club比例不一定多（影响因素：经济，爱好等）
3．        即使比例大，公司未必会赚钱

At first glance, it seems obvious that a jazz music club in Monroe will make good money, according to the popularity of jazz the notion mentioned. But after detailed consideration, I find it hard to create a casual relationship between the datum in the argument and the conclusion that the C Note will definitely become success. There are many factors that keep getting in the way of profitting.

First of all, the number of customers, including all the potential customers that may probably have any interests in jazz, is still unknown. The arguer does not provide any survey or data, the most convincible evidences, on the number or percentage of people who admitted they really like jazz. Similarly, it is not precise to claim that jazz is extremely popular only because there were many people attending Monroe’s festival or “Jazz Night” rated highest. The reason of these might be diverse, like the lack of recreational activities, the favor of listening to radio at night and so on. Before eliminating all these possibilities, there’s no way we can predicate the prevalence of jazz music.

The argument is weakened also by the fact that it does not take into account inherent factors that may influence people’s zeal on the club. For instance, since it is not presented in the argument the average income of individuals in the town and the cost of becoming a member of the club, economy pressure is an element that we must never leave behind. Consumers may choose to stay at home rather than going out to a club because the latter one would cost much more money, when both the two may offer semblable sorts of joy and entertainment.  Besides, the national widely surveys reveals that jazz fans, the most promising customers of C Note, will not spend nore than $1000 on jazz entertainment per year, to which the cost of becoming a jazz club member may probably be much higher.

Another factor is people’s habit. As far as I am concerned, most people prefer to listen to the radio at night, after working the whole day, to release working stress and have some fun. Then was it the jazz music which attracts people and got “Jazz Nightly” to be rated highest? Or people’s call for a need of relaxation that did it. Up to now, the answer is still a mystery to us.

Finally, sufficient customers do not inevitably result in good profits. Common sense tells us the profit of a company is determined by many important things, including human resource management of company, the marketing strategies and the price and quality of products. Whereas the argument fails in informing us any of these above, no one can guarantee the company will make a tremendously profitable enterprise, as is mentioned in the argument.

The conclusion must base on a thorough and accurate marketing survey and a comprehensive layout of business, while the arguer fails in specifying any of these. The argument would be more persuasive if the arguer supplies adequate evidences to satisfy the preconditions and hence to ensure the procedures leading to a commercial success.

[ 本帖最后由 Anddie 于 2006-5-16 11:46 编辑 ]

yuviUID: 2169411

互改顺序:

①小蜗牛
②yuvi
③anddie
④PK
⑤云MM

1-->2
2-->3
3-->4
4-->5
5-->1

glxingUID: 2156425

我找了半天yuvi，结果愣是没发现芹菜就是yuvi，呵呵:$


提綱：
1．        m市是否需要jazz club?看你的提纲发现你的思路已经很接近那个《argument就应该这样写》了——先攻击最致命的地方。可是我有时候喜欢层层递进，连用几个even though，两种写法是不是都可以啊？
a)        65公里外的俱樂部並不是太大的問題
b)        全部市場有多少潛在份額
2．        流行的程度
a)        爵士節上10万人的來源
b)        音樂家的居住人數多不等于爵士愛好者的居民多
c)        爵士節目好評的來源
3．        其他邏輯錯誤
a)        全國的消費不等于地方
b)        俱樂部是否賺錢需要多方考量

This application claims that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise caused by various supporting evidence, however, after careful examination, the applicant's claim suffers from a series of logical problems and therefore is unpersuasive as follows.

To begin with, the application is depends on the fallacious assumption that the Monroe jazz market will totally open for their proposed club "C-Notes". Firstly, as the applicant mentioned, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away from Monroe. Common sense informs that a one-hour-less driving time is not a big deal for the residents in Monroe to attend that jazz club. And if the 65-miles-away club exists for a long time, it might be occupied local market already for the jazz music fans. Secondly, with an absence of the evidence about the jazz local market in Monroe, there is another fundamental question that is: How many people would like to go to a jazz club in the percentage of the residents in Monroe? Without the evidence to indicate the potential customers' numbers of the jazz club, the applicant could not simply contends that "C-Notes" would have all the local market by itself.

In the second place, the applicant also fails to indicate that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe for three reasons: First, there is no evidence shows the source of those people attended to Monroe's jazz festival in last summer. It is possibly that most of such 100,000 people were tourists and not living in Monroe. Second, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe does not mean there are many jazz fans as 怎么用as呢？in the residents of 行不行？residents in Monroe.这儿你没说清楚，怎么就不能有很多fans？ The profit for a jazz club is major from their customers rather than its conveners这个词是什么意思“会议召集人”？在上一句没说清楚前，这一句算是个跳跃. Further, the applicant draws an unsupported information about the highest-rated radio program "Jazz Nightly" airs every weeknight, without any evidence of the "highest-rates", it is also unpersuasive to indicate that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe.我觉得还是没有说透彻，只是把问题点出来了，但没有给出其它合理的反驳。 Therefore, fails to evaluate, at least without any evidence to support above information, the applicant lacks validities to indicate that jazz is real extremely popular in Monroe.

Finally, here even assuming the applicant could provide such evidences all mentioned above, this application is still suffers from two classic fallacies that render the claim indefensible. The most clear one is the sample of the typical jazz fan in a nationwide study cannot represent the spending level of the residents in Monroe. Thus such people spend close to 1000 dollars per year on jazz entertainment does not mean anything in the case in this application. Moreover, whether a jazz club would be profitable enterprise depends on several factors, for example, the management performance, the funding arrangement, the previous experience, or the adverting strategy etc. Without providing any details of those information, the applicant's claim could not be a persuasive one.前面写的有些罗嗦了，无非就是不一定能make money.一：全国性消费不代表地方二，有其他因素。

To sum up, this application cannot be taken seriously as it stands. To better evaluate it, the applicant must show the additional evidence about the present jazz market in Monroe, and other means, if any, are available to support that there is a need for the "C-Notes" in Monroe and it will make profits.
芹菜，我重点看得你的逻辑，关于语言，我觉得很地道了，使用的是一些很标准的argument语言，打算学习学习。
逻辑：我前面说过了，有些人，包括斑竹，推荐递进式写法：1，作者没有证明jazz是流行的
2，即使他是流行的，没有证明该地需要这样一个club：已经有一个了，人们不嫌远而且有了自己的口味习惯。
3，即使需要—— c note 有立足之地，不一定能盈利：人均jazz消费和其他因素

你的这种逻辑也很好，但是有一点不足——段落间的连贯不够，你不妨借鉴一下上面的写法。
希望你能respond我的拙见，大家共同讨论

glxingUID: 2156425

抱歉抱歉，我忘了给你涂成红色标记了，这个回复主题太麻烦，你们谁会用那个作文修改工具，教教我吧

我找了半天yuvi，结果愣是没发现芹菜就是yuvi，呵呵


提綱：
1．        m市是否需要jazz club?看你的提纲发现你的思路已经很接近那个《argument就应该这样写》了——先攻击最致命的地方。可是我有时候喜欢层层递进，连用几个even though，两种写法是不是都可以啊？
a)        65公里外的俱樂部並不是太大的問題
b)        全部市場有多少潛在份額
2．        流行的程度
a)        爵士節上10万人的來源
b)        音樂家的居住人數多不等于爵士愛好者的居民多
c)        爵士節目好評的來源
3．        其他邏輯錯誤
a)        全國的消費不等于地方
b)        俱樂部是否賺錢需要多方考量

This application claims that a jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise caused by various supporting evidence, however, after careful examination, the applicant's claim suffers from a series of logical problems and therefore is unpersuasive as follows.

To begin with, the application is depends on the fallacious assumption that the Monroe jazz market will totally open for their proposed club "C-Notes". Firstly, as the applicant mentioned, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away from Monroe. Common sense informs that a one-hour-less driving time is not a big deal for the residents in Monroe to attend that jazz club. And if the 65-miles-away club exists for a long time, it might be occupied local market already for the jazz music fans. Secondly, with an absence of the evidence about the jazz local market in Monroe, there is another fundamental question that is: How many people would like to go to a jazz club in the percentage of the residents in Monroe? Without the evidence to indicate the potential customers' numbers of the jazz club, the applicant could not simply contends that "C-Notes" would have all the local market by itself.

In the second place, the applicant also fails to indicate that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe for three reasons: First, there is no evidence shows the source of those people attended to Monroe's jazz festival in last summer. It is possibly that most of such 100,000 people were tourists and not living in Monroe. Second, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe does not mean there are many jazz fans as 怎么用as呢？in the residents of 行不行？residents in Monroe.这儿你没说清楚，怎么就不能有很多fans？ The profit for a jazz club is major from their customers rather than its conveners这个词是什么意思“会议召集人”？在上一句没说清楚前，这一句算是个跳跃. Further, the applicant draws an unsupported information about the highest-rated radio program "Jazz Nightly" airs every weeknight, without any evidence of the "highest-rates", it is also unpersuasive to indicate that jazz is extremely popular in Monroe.我觉得还是没有说透彻，只是把问题点出来了，但没有给出其它合理的反驳。 Therefore, fails to evaluate, at least without any evidence to support above information, the applicant lacks validities to indicate that jazz is real extremely popular in Monroe.

Finally, here even assuming the applicant could provide such evidences all mentioned above, this application is still suffers from two classic fallacies that render the claim indefensible. The most clear one is the sample of the typical jazz fan in a nationwide study cannot represent the spending level of the residents in Monroe. Thus such people spend close to 1000 dollars per year on jazz entertainment does not mean anything in the case in this application. Moreover, whether a jazz club would be profitable enterprise depends on several factors, for example, the management performance, the funding arrangement, the previous experience, or the adverting strategy etc. Without providing any details of those information, the applicant's claim could not be a persuasive one.前面写的有些罗嗦了，无非就是不一定能make money.一：全国性消费不代表地方二，有其他因素。
To sum up, this application cannot be taken seriously as it stands. To better evaluate it, the applicant must show the additional evidence about the present jazz market in Monroe, and other means, if any, are available to support that there is a need for the "C-Notes" in Monroe and it will make profits.
芹菜，我重点看得你的逻辑，关于语言，我觉得很地道了，使用的是一些很标准的argument语言，打算学习学习。
逻辑：我前面说过了，有些人，包括斑竹，推荐递进式写法：1，作者没有证明jazz是流行的
2，即使他是流行的，没有证明该地需要这样一个club：已经有一个了，人们不嫌远而且有了自己的口味习惯。
3，即使需要—— c note 有立足之地，不一定能盈利：人均jazz消费和其他因素

你的这种逻辑也很好，但是有一点不足——段落间的连贯不够，你不妨借鉴一下上面的写法。
希望你能respond我的拙见，大家共同讨论

kittywen_16UID: 2135347

(1)爵士迷的爱好往往是固定的，距离的远近不是他们考虑的最主要因素；
（2）很多人参加音乐节不意味着他们会参加本地的俱乐部。也许是知名的爵士音乐家带来了有很多外地游客；
（3）收听广播多不一定参加俱乐部人多。不能排除这样的可能：工作繁忙，只有晚上有时间收听，去爵士俱乐部不现实；
（4）全国性的研究是否适用于本地值得怀疑。即使如此，花在爵士娱乐上的钱有多大比例用于俱乐部消费不得而知。


From the analysis of the speaker, it sounds profitable to open a jazz music club in Monroe. The author cited some factors to support his conclusion. In addition, a national study also lends creditable evidence to sustain his view. Though the plan pictures a glorious future to the investor, close scrutiny reveals there are some logical flaws in it, which I will point out in the following.

Firstly, the distance between the nearest jazz club to the town is not necessary to mean opening a new club will be welcome. Common sense tells us, fans, especially for music, usually hold on his interest in a certain musician or band for a long time and pursue their idols with all cost. The  distance can't present a crazy fan from driving several hours to enjoy his favorite artist's performance in another town. As a result, if the investors want to get appealing rewarding, what they should do is rather making sure the most popular musicians in local market and featuring the new club largely in their performance than just opening a new musical club.

Secondly, the author highly declares that since there were nearly 100 thousand people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, there must be a large scale of potential customers for local jazz club. The deduction is somewhat superficial that can’t be serve as a compelling evidence to support his proposal. As he said, some famous jazz artists reside in Monroe, we have good reason to suppose  many people from other towns to attend the festival simply for  looked at their loved musicians once a year, and  little time or money in a jazz club. Without ruling out this alternative explanation, it is presumptuous for us to accept the author's assertion.

Thirdly, the arguer insists that "jazz nightly" ,a radio program, ranked highest in Monroe. It does appeal, yet if we ask how many auditors are willing to relax themselves in the jazz music club, which is unlikely to be provided in anywhere else, we can't justifiablely accept his conclusion. With the development of the economics, people in modern society have less and less leisure time. Thanks to the radios and CD sets, they can enjoy their favorite music anywhere, anytime. However, attending a music club may be somewhat luscious to them. Without sweeping out this possibly that would affect people's decision on the way to satisfy their music interests, the suggestion is open to doubt.  

Last but not the least, the study cited in the argument to support the speakers proposal is lack of rationality. As it is from the survey of the whole nation, can it apply to Monroe is open to suspicious. Even if it is true that the local residents also spend nearly 1000 dollars in the entertainment of jazz, it does not mean they will consume in a jazz club. As we know, CDs, music instruments also consist of a high percentage of the whole expenditure. If the author can offer more specifical information about the proportion spent on different kind of jazz consuming, then we can have a clear picture of the new club's future.

In sum, the argument is not convincing and the proposal should be reconsidered. To strengthen the argument, further analysis and research are required before investment.

真对不起，我今天没能及时交作业，早上发文章，结果停电上不了宽带，只好等到回校才能发贴，是不是不能参加这次互改了？我不是故意的：（

AnddieUID: 2135826

提纲：一、C Note不一定能够完全占有当地的市场
      二、爵士乐在M城市很流行，但是并不意味着这些爵士乐的爱好者会去爵士吧消费
      三、对全国爵士乐爱好者的消费情况的调查结果不足以说明C会获利

The author asserts that a jazz music club, C Note, should be opened in Monroe. To justify this, the author provides three arguments to support his or her declaration. However, there are several flaws in this argument, as follows.

In the first place, the proposed C Note club will maybe not attract all local jazz fan to consume in its club. Firstly, the author fails to offer evidence to prove that whether the services provided by are good or bad, if the services are very bad, there will be a few person to spend money on jazz music in the C Note. Secondly, the author also does not provide that whether the amount of money, consumed in this club every time, are large or small. [无法证明分论点:即使作者说明了人们消费的是高还是低,也不能说明C Note对顾客是否有吸引力,因为单价不一定相同的] Perhaps the C Note will think that they have advantage in place, so  they might raise their price over jazz consumer. If so, they  will maybe lost a lot of consumers. Thirdly, although the nearest jazz club is also far away the , it is possible that these clubs provide much well services than the  provides, and have a lot of fixed jazz music customers from Monroe city.[跟firstly重复] Moreover, these clubs may be well-known ones in jazz musician, these jazz consumers also love to these clubs.

In the second place, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe does not mean that the jazz fans will go to the  C Note to consume. [这段的位置应该与上一段调换,因为二者逻辑上有先后] Firstly,[考虑换词] the jazz fans maybe  enjoy themselves with jazz music via tuning in radio, or watching TV, or buying a Compact Disc, instead of consuming in the C Note. Secondly, jazz festival ,after all , attracted many people from  the whole nation rather than only from Monroe city,  but this cannot show that  how large the jazz fans in Monroe are interested in the jazz music in their daily lives, this also cannot indicate that they will consume in the C Note. Thirdly, the author shows that there are several famous jazz musician residing in  Monroe, however, this may be concluded that the city is fit for those well-known persons. [So? Not fit for ordinary ones? 与分论点有直接关系吗?] Finally, the highest-rated radio program does not prove that these audiences will go to the C Note to consume, they maybe only listen to the radio instead of going to the C Note.[如提纲所说,本段的观点是针对”爵士吧”的,而不是C Note的, 可第一,四观点却是针对C Note的.这样的话,本段的内容不是就和上一段重复了吗?]

Finally, the studies about money spent on the jazz entertainment every year are not sufficient to certify[不太好]  the C Note will benefit from its business. Because the consumption circumstance of the jazz fans from the whole nation cannot delegate the C Note's . Furthermore, the author fails to provide evidence to illustrate that the fees spent by these surveyed jazz fans are only used to consume in the club  rather than consuming other jazz entertainments out of the club, it is probable that they use these money to buy tickets to watch vocal concert, or to purchase Compact Disc.[本段是可以归到前两段中的]

In sum, if the author wants to enhance the argument's persuasion, he or she should provide that whether the  C Note can allure[晕~~~] more jazz fans to consume, and how much these jazz fans can spend on the jazz entertainment.[仅提供这两点就可以证明了吗?]

[总结:
1.        从全文来看,基本上符合argument的结构要求
2.        在论证层次上,前两个分论点是比较合理的,而第三个为什么要独立出来呢?
3.        对与前两个论点的证明还要改进,其间有一些重复的内容
4.        语言上,pk说要尝试用不同的词,这很好,不过建议在使用前查一下MW]

yuviUID: 2169411

anddie 的作业:

提纲：
1．        当地潜在的顾客不一定多(popular不等于喜欢jazz)
2．        即使多，这些顾客中会参加club比例不一定多（影响因素：经济，爱好等）
3．        即使比例大，公司未必会赚钱

At first glance, it seems obvious that a jazz music club in Monroe will make good money, according to the popularity of jazz the notion mentioned.( the notion mentioned啥意思？) But after detailed consideration, I find it hard to create a casual relationship between the datum in the argument and the conclusion that the C Note will definitely become success（这里题目改写和原文意思有些偏差）. There are many factors that keep getting in the way of profitting（profiting）.
First of all, the number of customers, including all the potential customers（这里应该就只有potential customers，因为C-Notes还没有建立） that may probably have any interests in jazz, is still unknown. （TS感觉没有概括性）The arguer does not provide any survey or data, the most convincible evidences, on the number or percentage of people who admitted they really like jazz. Similarly, it is not precise to claim that jazz is extremely popular only because there were many people attending Monroe’s festival or “Jazz Night” rated highest. The reason of these might be diverse, like the lack of recreational activities, the favor of listening to radio at night and so on. Before eliminating all these possibilities, there’s no way we can predicate the prevalence of jazz music.（这一段虽说是论述潜在顾客，但是anddie你没有具体的论证过程，只是把题目里很明显的错误提了一下，这样子不能让人信服喔。。）
The argument is weakened also by the fact that it does not take into account inherent factors that may influence people’s zeal on the club（这里用词感觉怪怪的）. For instance, since it is not presented in the argument the average income of individuals in the town and the cost of becoming a member of the club, economy pressure is an element that we must never leave behind. Consumers may choose to stay at home rather than going out to a club because the latter one would cost much more money, （既然选择呆在家里了，就不能称为consumers了哈，用people比较好）when both the two may offer semblable sorts of joy and entertainment.  Besides, the national widely surveys reveals that jazz fans, the most promising customers of C Note, will not spend nore（more） than $1000 on jazz entertainment per year, to which the cost of becoming a jazz club member may probably be much higher. （感觉这段写得比较散，说人们可能因为价钱的原因而不去club，有可能，但是放在这里论述，是否有点牵强呢？毕竟题目里还有大量错误等着呢）
Another factor is people’s habit.（晕，这个TS也忒短了吧，让人看到难免断章取义哈~~连habit都怀疑了？） As far as I am concerned, most people prefer to listen to the radio at night, after working the whole day, to release working stress and have some fun. Then was it the jazz music which attracts people and got “Jazz Nightly” to be rated highest? Or people’s call for a need of relaxation that did it. Up to now, the answer is still a mystery to us.（呵呵，mystery这个词只能用在金字塔，杀人案等等悬而未决的事件，这里用这个词未免小题大做了。）

Finally, sufficient customers do not inevitably result in good profits. Common sense tells us the profit of a company is determined by many important things, including human resource management of company, the marketing strategies and the price and quality of products（这里的公司是个club，所以不存在products，写services就可以了）. Whereas the argument fails in informing us any of these above, no one can guarantee the company will make a tremendously profitable enterprise, as is mentioned in the argument.（这里同意）

The conclusion must base on a thorough and accurate marketing survey and a comprehensive layout of business, while the arguer fails in specifying any of these. The argument would be more persuasive if the arguer supplies adequate evidences to satisfy the preconditions and hence to ensure the procedures leading to a commercial success.

总结：

1．        首先要注意的就是TS一定要写全面（起码让人看了之后知道你下面要说什么）。如果简单的敷衍TS，是很冒风险的哈。
2．        挑错误的时候欠缺考虑，比如65公里外的一家俱乐部你就没有写到。
3．        后2段怀疑人们不去club有经济原因，爱好等等，未免与题目里的信息本末倒置。（毕竟这个club还在筹建中，还没有个影子就怀疑它的顾客是否愿意消费，不是有点勉强吗？）
4．        呵呵，出手比较重哈，感觉Anddie写的时候比较匆忙，可能没有进行细想就动笔了吧？anyway，这次的作业小结可以帮你把这个题目再好好思考思考。。