argument6 义无反顾小组第五次作业

yuviUID: 2169411

kitty的:

(1)爵士迷的爱好往往是固定的，距离的远近不是他们考虑的最主要因素；（恩，同意）
（2）很多人参加音乐节不意味着他们会参加本地的俱乐部。也许是知名的爵士音乐家带来了有很多外地游客；（对，有可能）
（3）收听广播多不一定参加俱乐部人多。不能排除这样的可能：工作繁忙，只有晚上有时间收听，去爵士俱乐部不现实；（怀疑工作忙，没有时间去俱乐部可行，但是未免有点牵强哈）
（4）全国性的研究是否适用于本地值得怀疑。即使如此，花在爵士娱乐上的钱有多大比例用于俱乐部消费不得而知。（同意）
From the analysis of the speaker, it sounds profitable to open a jazz music club in Monroe. The author cited some factors to support his conclusion. In addition, a national study also lends creditable evidence to sustain his view. Though the plan pictures a glorious future to the investor, close scrutiny reveals there are some logical flaws in it, which I will point out in the following.

Firstly, the distance between the nearest jazz club to the town is not necessary to mean opening a new club will be welcome. Common sense tells us, fans, especially for music, usually hold on his interest in a certain musician or band for a long time and pursue their idols with all cost. （all cost就不必写了吧，毕竟argument要严谨）The  distance can't present a crazy fan from driving several hours to enjoy his favorite artist's performance in another town. As a result, if the investors want to get appealing rewarding, what they should do is rather making sure the most popular musicians in local market and featuring the new club largely in their performance than just opening a new musical club.（为什么后面一句结尾变成了建议？疑惑。。这样写岂不是后面的全部没有了讨论的价值？）
Secondly, the author highly declares that since there were nearly 100 thousand people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, there must be a large scale of potential customers for local jazz club. The deduction is somewhat superficial that can’t be serve as a compelling evidence to support his proposal. As he said, some famous jazz artists reside in Monroe, we have good reason to suppose  many people from other towns to attend the festival simply for  looked at their loved musicians once a year, and  little time or money in a jazz club. Without ruling out this alternative explanation, it is presumptuous for us to accept the author's assertion. （恩，把音乐家和音乐节结合来写，这点是我没有想到的）
Thirdly, the arguer insists that "jazz nightly" ,a radio program, ranked highest in Monroe. It does appeal, yet if we ask how many auditors are willing to relax themselves in the jazz music club, which is unlikely to be provided in anywhere else, we can't justifiablely accept his conclusion. With the development of the economics, people in modern society have less and less leisure time. （这一句感觉没有必要出现）Thanks to the radios and CD sets, they can enjoy their favorite music anywhere, anytime. However, attending a music club may be somewhat luscious to them. Without sweeping out this possibly that would affect people's decision on the way to satisfy their music interests, the suggestion is open to doubt.  

Last but not the least, the study cited in the argument to support the speakers proposal is lack of rationality. As it is from the survey of the whole nation, can it apply to Monroe is open to suspicious. Even if it is true that the local residents also spend nearly 1000 dollars in the entertainment of jazz, it does not mean they will consume in a jazz club. As we know, CDs, music instruments also consist of a high percentage of the whole expenditure. If the author can offer more specifical information about the proportion spent on different kind of jazz consuming, then we can have a clear picture of the new club's future. （除了最后一句有点武断，其他的都同意）

In sum, the argument is not convincing and the proposal should be reconsidered. To strengthen the argument, further analysis and research are required before investment.


总结：

KITTY的作业我大概改了下哈。
觉得论点找的都挺有道理的，就是顺序上的安排可以再权衡一下。
还有就是第三点写的比较主观，感觉可以再完善一下。

PS：我待会把手机号公布在群里，为了避免“不可抗拒”的因素影响交作业，以后可以提前告诉我。方便安排互改顺序。呵呵。

天边一朵云UID: 2157330

小蜗牛，我没有收到你的短信息啊，要是方便的话再重发一遍吧。
提纲：
1，作者没有证明当地人喜欢jazz，分三点攻击
2，即使喜欢，作者无法证明他们会把钱花在jazz club上，分两点攻击
3，作者也无法证明当地人会嫌远而不去另外一家——开业后能否盈利

The author thinks that a jazz music club in Monroe would make money and his line of reasoning is that the local people like jazz music very much and the nearest jazz club is far away.（还有一些作者的观点用不用也列出来呢？讨论下） However, close scrutiny of this statement reveals that the author has made several logical mistakes, as follows.

To be first, the author fails to convince us that the jazz music is extremely popular in  Monroe. There are three flaws in the statement. The first one is that100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer , however, it is possible that many of them were not local people but the nearby residents. Even though（这里的even though 是想说即使吧？改成even assuming 会不会好一些？不然会有尽管的歧义） all of the 100,000 people are local residents, the total number of Monroe is not known to judge whether the jazz music is liked by most of people. Also, the last year's example can not demonstrate the overall condition for a long time. （这里是要从时间上挑错，感觉应该把时间突出一下，比如 the festival was held in last year which tells nothing about whether the same situation will last，这是我乱写的，不对的指出来）The second one is that those well-known jazz musicians choosing Monroe to live in can not be convincing evidence because the author does not exclude other factors which may attract them to live, such as the convenient traffic or comfortable environment.（这点挺好的） The third one is that people may choose to listen to "Jazz Nightly"  because there are few choices of radio program in Monroe or the DJ of the highest-rated program is popular rather than jazz music is popular.（这一段后两个论点角度挺新的，至少我没有想到，值得学习）
Moreover, even if the jazz music is actually popular in Monroe, the author can not conclude that people would spend money on jazz music club just according to a survey. First of all, the survey just represents the nationwide condition but Monroe may be different , let alone the survey itself lack necessary information to demonstrate its reliability, such as the survey samples and the number of respondents. Lastly, spending money on jazz entertainment does not mean only going to jazz music club , there are also other choices such as buying music CD or attending jazz music concerts.

Lastly, the author thinks that the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away so that local people would not go there after the C Note club is open, but he or she does not give any survey to support this point. Maybe with the help of car, people do not feel 65 miles are a long way. Also, if they have adapted（to） the performance of that club, they would not change easily to the C Note.

To sum up, the statement fails to convince us as it stands. To strengthen it, the author should provides more information to demonstrate that  people in Monroe is popular actually and they would like to spend money on it. It is better that the author make a survey to prove that local people like to change  to go to  the C Note after it is open.

总结：整体逻辑结构很清楚，而且几个论点角度新颖。基本上没有什么特别需要修改的地方。语言上整体感觉是用的短句比较多，可以适当考虑增加一下语言的变化，用些从句之类的。还有一些小的语法错误，要注意避免哟

天边一朵云UID: 2157330

谢谢jiqixueyuan 的意见！要问个问题，开头到底能不能复述原题？我看孙元的开头模版就是复述的。。

yuviUID: 2169411

小蜗牛:

经过你的提示我终于发现自己写文章最大的毛病:太过贪心,希望什么都能面面俱到.
这点从我几次的提纲里就可以看出来.

我先前还总是疑惑为什么我列个提纲要似乎比写的时间还长,
现在总算是找到问题的关键了,先谢谢你哈~~:)

我想实际考试的时候肯定不能允许我逐字逐句地分析题意,然后再逐字逐句地安排论点的.
所以你说到底先攻击哪个论点比较好,我觉得两个方法(即先攻击明显的错误,或先攻击最重要的错误)都是可行的.

只不过先攻击明显的错误在考场上明显比较可行.(因为后者要分析其中的逻辑关系,及相关的一些brainstorm要占用不少时间)
所以我觉得用第一种是比较保底的方法,第二点如果能找到合理的衔接方式,并且一开头就能切中要害,自然可以给文章增色不少(只是现实考试里很难在30分钟内操作)

另外,你说的我第二个论点没有很好的展开,我同意,因为我又犯了贪心的毛病,把大家需要用3段来说的话拿来放在一段里说完了,这样做肯定是没有办法展开的,不然就太长太罗嗦了.
我的本意是想告诉考官,我知道这里错了,但是错误太明显,就不必浪费笔墨过多描述.
但是现在看来,这样做是非常得不偿失的.

因为,不管是驳论文还是立论文,"伤其十指,不如断其一指"肯定比面面俱到,但都是浅显地提一下的方式要有杀伤力.

我想我这种什么都面面俱到的写法在实际考试里肯定会弄巧成拙,难以驾御的哈.
恩,也不赞成大家照我的方法来,当然我后面也会加倍注意.


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还有顺便说一下,PK:

写AWA要注意老美的生活方式.有私车几乎是不用置疑的.
我记得上次的issue云MM写了"大学要能够让学生自由选择感兴趣的课程"
别的地方我不敢说,但是美国的确就是这样的教育体系(高中也有课程是可以自由选择的).所以我觉得这个观点不用拿来特别提出.

恩,这里算是提醒大家一下,因为毕竟这里有一些文化差异,但是也可以避免让考官看到他无法理解的观点的哈.
:)

[ 本帖最后由 yuvi 于 2006-5-16 19:38 编辑 ]

yuviUID: 2169411

开头我觉得时间允许可以复述..
在考场上也可以等全部BODY写完了,看时间来定.
时间多就复述,时间不够了就写简单点.

因为毕竟多检查出几个错误要比写个漂亮的开头更容易得高分
呵呵,这是我的观点,不知道其他人有什么意见?

glxingUID: 2156425

To 芹菜

我通过这篇文章发现一个问题，就是当我们在考场上发现好多逻辑错误时，30分钟似乎很难写完（当然这一点可以通过多模考莱改善），那么是面面俱到还是“丢小保大”？
现在大家都没有模考，我也是，所以写的都很过瘾，感觉批得很爽，但要是模考的话，这个问题就要有所注意了。

kittywen_16UID: 2135347

看到很范文都是在开头复述原题，有时确实感觉挺罗嗦。但这可能是最保险的一种方法，毕竟不是每一篇都能写出精彩的开头。
   我攻击的顺序有些杂乱，对材料的整体把握欠佳，这一点要改进。还有，我看大家的文章模板用得不多，但语句很通顺。我为什么每次写起来总觉得艰难呢？怎么才能提高呢

AnddieUID: 2135826

孙远原话：一般说来一道题抓住2－4个主要的逻辑错误，透彻的攻击，就够了。
有一两个不重要的一般性问题忽略了，没有问题。。。