Ares战队第一次作业 Agument26

veinardUID: 2195006

ARGUMENT26 - The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.
"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."
提纲：1 The school band of Steel City High 的成就不一定归功于Mr.Schade
      2 没有证据证明乐队设备的改善是由于Mr.Schade 的努力
      3 Steel City High的情况和the entire Saluda school system 的情况不同，没有证据证明Mr.Schade 有胜任新工作的能力
The chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda recommends that Mr.Schade should be hired to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. To support his recommendation, the chairperson cites two facts. First, Mr.Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School for five years and during these years the school band has won three regional band competitions. Second, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and instruments at the high school has improved over the five years. This argument has several logical flaws which make it unconvincing.

To begin with, the fact that the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions when Mr.Schade is the music director cannot prove that the excellent achievement of the school band is attributable to Mr.Schade. Maybe the ability of playing instruments of the school band has been much better than other school bands in the region before Mr.Schade direct the band, but the lever of the band is not improved during the past five years. Another possible situation is that the outstanding success of the school band is due to the improvement of the musical instruments, but not the ability of Mr. Schade.

Second, the chairperson unequally assumes the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at the Steel City High School are attributable to Mr.Schade. Perhaps the improvement of those facilities and instruments is due to the decision of the schoolmaster, or the efforts of the members of the band and their parents. There is no information can prove that Mr. Schade is relative to the improvement. Even if the improvement is due to him, it can only prove that he has the ability or has made an effort to manage the band, and such ability or effort is not the same as the ability to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system.

Moreover, even if the successes at Steel City High are all attributable to Mr.Schade, it only explains that he has the ability to direct and manage a high school band, but not the entire Saluda school system. The work which is planning and directing the general music education programs for the entire school system is more complex and difficult than the work to direct a school band. The situation of the band of Steel City High is not the same as the situation of the schools in the whole region. There is no information to show that Steel City High can represent all the other schools in the entire Saluda school system, the success of the school band may illuminate that the music education of the school is better than any other school in the region. If Mr.Schade is attributable to the successes of this school, he may overrate the lever of the entire school system then plan and direct the general music education programs irrelevantly.

In sum, the chairperson's argument is unpersuasive. To strengthen it the chairperson should offer more information to convince me that the successes of Steel City High School is attributable to Mr.Schade, the school can represent the entire school and Mr.Schade truly has the ability to plan and direct the general music education program for the entire Saluda school system.
感想：严重超时了。以后还是先保证30min内写完。
Time 50min
Words 551

gamblerboUID: 2212217

ARGUMENT26
The following appeared in a memo from the chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda.
"For the past five years, Mr. Charles Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School, and during that time the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions. In addition, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High has improved markedly over the past five years. Because of such successes at Steel City High, the Saluda school board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system."

提纲：
1 The school band of Steel City High 的成就不一定归功于Mr.Schade
2 没有证据证明乐队设备的改善是由于Mr.Schade 的努力      
3 Steel City High的情况和the entire Saluda school system 的情况不同，没有证据证明Mr.Schade 有胜任新工作的能力

The chairperson of the school board in the town of Saluda recommends that Mr.Schade should be hired to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system. To support his recommendation, the chairperson cites two facts. First, Mr. Schade has been the music director at Steel City High School for five years and during these years the school band has won three regional band competitions. Second, the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and instruments at the high school has improved over the five years. [However,]This argument has several logical flaws which make it unconvincing.
[个人建议：第一段过于拖沓。不妨多花时间在the main paragraph。]

To begin with, the fact that the school band from Steel City High has won three regional band competitions when Mr. Schade is the music director cannot prove that the excellent achievement of the school band is attributable to Mr. Schade. Maybe the ability of playing instruments of the school band has been much better than other school bands in the region before Mr. Schade direct[directs/directed] the band, but the lever of the band is not improved during the past five years. Another possible situation is that the outstanding success of the school band is due to the improvement of the musical instruments, but not the ability of Mr. Schade.

Second[Secondly], the chairperson unequally assumes [that the improvement in/of] the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at the Steel City High School are attributable to Mr.Schade. Perhaps the improvement of those facilities and instruments is due to the decision of the schoolmaster, or the efforts of the members of the band and their parents. There is no information can prove that Mr. Schade is relative to the improvement. Even if the improvement is due to him, it can only prove that he has the ability or has made an effort to manage the band, and such ability or effort is not the same as the ability to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system.

Moreover, even if the successes at Steel City High are all attributable to Mr.Schade, it only explains that he has the ability to direct and manage a high school band, but not the entire Saluda school system. The work which is planning and directing the general music education programs for the entire school system is more complex and difficult than the work to direct a school band. The situation of the band of Steel City High is not the same as the situation of the schools in the whole region. There is no information to show that Steel City High can represent all the other schools in the entire Saluda school system, the success of the school band may illuminate that the music education of the school is better than any other school in the region. If [Even if] Mr. Schade is attributable to the successes of this school, he may overrate the lever of the entire school system then plan and direct the general music education programs irrelevantly.

In sum, the chairperson's argument is unpersuasive. To strengthen it the chairperson should offer more information to convince me that the successes of Steel City High School is attributable to Mr. Schade, the school can represent the entire school and Mr. Schade truly has the ability to plan and direct the general music education program for the entire Saluda school system.

感想：严重超时了。以后还是先保证30min内写完。
Time 50min
Words 551

个人感想：
1，        veinard，你很不错！比我的作文即快又好！
2，        关于开头：几个帮我改作文的高手都告诉我，开头尽量简练！我把他们的经验转送给你。：）
3，        关于结构：如果段与段之间多一些呼应（内容＋句式），句与句之间对一些结构的衔接（连词，代词，副词等），你的文章将更出色。
4，        关于文字：要少引用题目中的句子或大片的词语才好。（比我好多了！）
5，        关于论证：稍欠力度。论证不算深刻。这也是我一直想改进的地方。可惜我现在也没有什么好的建议。

[ 本帖最后由 gamblerbo 于 2006-6-22 20:27 编辑 ]