Argument26 renliyun 第一次作业.....

renliyunUID: 2209571

1.过去5年中一共有多少次音乐比赛？也许三次只是很少一部分，其它学校获胜次数更多。
2.可能过去5年中其他学校的音乐排练设备和乐器的改善比SC学校更显著；或者可能这是整个学校的财政状况改善的结果，而非该人的功劳。
3.即使的确是该人使得SC学校的音乐教育获得了进步，也不能表明其能使整个S学校系统收益，两个学校的情况可能有很大差异－－地区差异，学生的素质，学校的经费差异等等。
In this article, the author attempts to convince us that the Saluda School board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system on the assumption that Mr. Schade has gained great achievements at Steel City during the past five years. Although seems reasoning, the analysis has some critical flaws as bellow.To begin with, it is still questionable of Mr.Schade's talent in music education. Even if Steel City High School has won three regional band competitions under his direction, there is no exact data to show how many competitions are there in the region during the past five years. In fact, if the frequency of music competitions there is very high, then the three times of win may be not so worthy of praising and maybe other schools in that region are the bigger winners. Secondly, there is no evidence to show that it is Mr.Schade who improves the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High School. The reasons lead to an improvement may be complex. Perhaps Steel City high School has planed to increase the budget in music rehearsal facilities and instruments, but its economic condition has not improved until when Mr.Schade was hired. It is also possible that the whole education system in Steel City passed an agreement of putting more emphasis on the music education five years ago, hence Steel City High School has to invest more money and energy to improve its music rehearsal facilities and instruments. Without more evidence to exclude such possibilities, we cannot accept the claim of the author.Last but not least, even if Mr. Schade did succeed in Steel City high School, it is still unsure that whether he can also gain success in the Saluda School. There are not two same leaves in the world, so the conditions of the two schools are different more or less. For one thing, maybe Steel City High school's students are more interested in music, or their talents in music is much better than that of the Saluda School's students'. For another, maybe the Saluda School is in a poor financial condition now so that they cannot afford any more investment in music education. According to the possibilities mentioned above, people have good reasons to question the liability of the author's conclusion.In summary, the chairperson draws a casual conclusion on some groundless or insufficient evidence. To make the proposal more credible, the chairperson should rule out other possibilities and exhibit some more cogent proofs.

[ 本帖最后由 renliyun 于 2006-6-25 16:14 编辑 ]

victorduguUID: 2176422

In this article, the author attempts to convince us that the Saluda School board should hire Mr. Schade to plan and direct the general music education programs for the entire Saluda school system on the assumption that Mr. Schade has gained great achievements at Steel City during the past five years. Although （it ） seems reasoning (应该是reasonable), the analysis has some critical flaws as bellow ( 应该是below). (这儿应该是新的一段吧)To begin with, it is still questionable of Mr.Schade's talent in music education. Even if Steel City High School has won three regional band competitions under his direction, there is no exact data to show how many competitions are there (应该是there are) in the region during the past five years. In fact, if the frequency of music competitions there is very high, then (then应该可以去掉吧) the three times of win may be not so worthy of praising and maybe other schools in that region are the bigger winners. (这儿也应该是新的一段)Secondly, there is no evidence to show that it is Mr.Schade who improves (has improved 会不会更好一些) the quality of the music rehearsal facilities and musical instruments at Steel City High School. The reasons lead (leading) to an improvement may be complex. Perhaps Steel City high School has planed to increase the budget in music rehearsal facilities and instruments, but its economic condition has not improved until when Mr.Schade was hired. It is also possible that the whole education system in Steel City passed an agreement of putting more emphasis on the music education five years ago, hence Steel City High School has to invest more money and energy to improve its music rehearsal facilities and instruments. Without more evidence to exclude such possibilities, we cannot accept the claim of the author. Last but not least, even if Mr. Schade did succeed in Steel City high School, it is still unsure that whether he can also gain success in the Saluda School. There are not two same leaves in the world (这句话本身很不错，但个人觉得用在这里好像没有必要), so the conditions of the two schools are different more or less. For one thing, maybe Steel City High school's students are more interested in music, or their talents (talent，与后面的is 与that 对应) in music is much better than that of the Saluda School's students' (这个apostrophe 不需要，前面有that). For another, maybe the Saluda School is in a (a不要) poor financial condition now so that they cannot afford any more investment in music education. According to the possibilities mentioned above, people have good reasons to question the liability (应该是reliability) of the author's conclusion. In summary, the chairperson draws a casual conclusion on some groundless or insufficient evidence. To make the proposal more credible, the chairperson should rule out other possibilities and exhibit some more cogent proofs.

1)主要的逻辑错误都找出来了，而且给出了其他可能性，个人觉得这对于argument是最主要的。
2)文中有一些语法错误和单词拼写错误，再仔细点就可以了:-)
3)论证用的语言可再犀利一点
4)另外，段与段之间记得空一行哦

[ 本帖最后由 victordugu 于 2006-6-24 02:03 编辑 ]

expire7UID: 2160574

发帖格式不对啊，这样可能没有人给你修改的。
请按照置顶的格式帖进行修改一下。

expire7UID: 2160574

你的发帖标题不符合置顶帖要求，我关闭了，LZ修改好以后，给我们PM，再解锁。
长时间如果不修改的，我们会定期给与删除。