issue161 [展翅高飞]dicmi第9次issue作业

dicmiUID: 183392

TOPIC: ISSUE161 - "In this age of intensive media coverage, it is no longer possible for a society to regard any woman or man as a hero. The reputation of anyone who is subjected to media scrutiny will eventually be diminished."
WORDS: 590          TIME: ~~~~~ (越写越长，严重超时)    DATE: 2006-7-19

Outline
1. 媒体的确使不少人名誉扫地
2. 但是媒体更重要的给人以信息判断真hero还是假hero
3. 媒体对于制造真hero也很有作用。宣传作用。

Living in a world which is abundant of intensive media, not only the ordinary people but also those celebrities have no means to escape from the coverage of media. Due to scrutinizing of intensive media, is there any chance left for any person becomes a hero? The author holds the pessimistic attitude towards this question and claims no. Nevertheless, as far as I am concerned, the wide media coverage do help to build a genuine hero rather than inhibiting.
       
Truly, the media ruin the reputation of some so-called heroes is not entirely without support. It could be largely attributed to the inherent deficiencies of those so-called heroes. We can find such kind of examples in many fields. For instance, in politics, the Nixon's Watergate Scandal and the Clinton's sexual scandal were disclosed by newspapers and magazines, which pulled down their splendid outlook into pieces. In amusement realm, we have already got used to reading kinds of news about lives of some famous stars from newspaper. In academic area, the media also witness the falling of the famous North Korean scientist Hwang Woo-Suk due to his cheating in his experiments. Numerous evidences could be cited to prove this point that no ostensible heroes could escape from the scrutiny of media. In other word, it seems that the media is destructive to heroes.

Nevertheless, we see no necessity to protect those false heroes from the media, for the reason that the media provides a great deal of information, with which we can distinguish the right heroes from false ones. As we know, heroes are very crucial to individuals in that those heroes could offer infinite power to inspire individuals’ endeavor. Hence, it is also equally important to choose a right one. For instance, were there no media’s timely disclosure of Professor Hwang’s cheating, his followers would tend to continue blindly following Hwang’s way and subsequently deviate from the correct path. Obviously, the media nowadays serves a critical role in conveying the details of heroes to us and thus help us to make wish choices.

Additionally, with the help of the wide media coverage, it is more convenient to cultivate a hero than ever before. Throughout the history, a lot of outstanding people have the potential to be the heroes, but some become the heroes, while some do not. Why? It could be largely attributed to their different popularity. The more people recognize their values, the easier for them to become the heroes. To this point, the media is a powerful catalyst to foster the popularity of heroes. An apt example to illustrate this point is Stephen Hawking. As one of the greatest living physical scientists, he gradually becomes the hero amongst people, especially those children who dreaming to become a scientist. Widely reported by the media, Hawking is winning more and more people’s respects and reorganization. In this sense, the media greatly catalyze the birth of a hero - Stephen Hawking. Meanwhile, besides these scientists, we could also list numerous heroes in other fields nowadays. One common feature they share is that they are often reported by the media. Thus, a immediate conclusion could be achieved that the media acts as a catalyst in catalyze the formation of our heroes.

All in all, the media is indispensable to our heroes nowadays. It not only helps people to disclose those false heroes, but also promotes cultivating true heroes.


:handshake:handshake:handshake
请大家帮忙看看，谢谢
留连接回拍哦

特别备注：
这篇写下来，感觉一开始没啥好写，但是接着就越写越多。我自己看的最大问题可能是语句不连贯了。最近几篇写的都很涩，就像是一句一句挤出来的。一点也不想上次那篇那么顺。
烦啊。RRDW，斑斑。有么有什么建议？这是瓶颈期乎？赫赫，要是的话还算安慰一下。。。
感谢~

[ 本帖最后由 dicmi 于 2006-7-20 16:52 编辑 ]

runningpiggyUID: 194977

take a seat...

xmbjowlUID: 2182375

Living in a world which is abundant of intensive media, not only the ordinary people but also those celebrities have no means to escape(from) the coverage of media. Due to scrutinizing of intensive media, is there any chance left for any woman or man(说人就行了，还分男女干吗？） becomes a hero? The author holds the pessimistic attitude towards this question and claims no（本人认为claims no多余）. Nevertheless, as far as I（少be动词) concerned, on the contrary, （前面已经nevertheless了，何必on the contrary?重复）the wide media coverage do help to build a genuine hero rather than inhibit（是不是要加ing?).开门见山，明确表明了观点 ，就是首段有这些语法错误不应该，给考官印象会不大好的
        
Truly, the media ruin the reputation of some so-called heroes is not entirely without support. It could large attributed （少be,且largely）to the inherent deficiencies of those so-called heroes. We can find such kind of examples in many fields. For instance, in politics, the Nixon's Watergate Scandal and the Clinton's sex（sexual) scandal were disclosed by newspapers and magazines, which pulled down their splendid outlook into pieces（这话咋那么别扭呢？tinge their gorgeous appeanrance with unacceptable dirty是否好些？本人意见哈！）. In amusement realm, we have already got used to reading kinds of news about lives of some famous stars from newspaper. In academic area, the media also witness the falling of the famous North Korean scientist Hwang Woo-suk due to his cheating in his experiments. Numerous evidences could be cited to prove this point that no （ostensible)heroes could escape the scrutiny of media. In other word, it seems that the media plays an ignominious role in destroy those heroes. （用一个destructive就可以了）我觉得还应在分论点提出后简要分析this inner deficiency的普遍性,人无完人，当媒体窥探名人的一丝一毫时，缺点，negative conduct很难被隐藏)

Yet, we see no necessity to protect the false heroes（没读懂，啥叫false heroes?) from the media, for the reason that the media could serve as a touchstone of heroes（你是想说媒体的积极作用吧？）. That means the media could help people to tell the true heroes from the false ones. As we know, heroes are very crucial to individuals in that those heroes could offer infinite power to encourage（explode或inspire更形象） individuals’ endeavor. Thus, it is also equally important to choose the right heroes rather than the false ones.（用distinguish更好，对应媒体的touchstone作用） For instance, were there no media’s timely disclosure of Professor Hwang’s cheating, his followers may continue blindly following Hwang’s way and subsequently deviating from the right path. （是否可改用虚拟语气？）Obviously, the media nowadays serves a critical role in conveying the judgment of heroes to us and thus help us to make wise choose on heroes.（我觉得不是媒体传达给我们一种judge，是给我们一种事实，使我们得以评判，寻找真正值得崇拜的英雄，至于如何于分论点中的touchstone对应，我也在想～）

Additionally, with the help of the wide media coverage, it is more convenient to cultivate a hero than ever before. Throughout the history, a lot of outstanding people have the potential to be the heroes, but some become the heroes, while some do not. Why? It could be largely attributed to their different popularity. The more people recognize their values, the easier for them (to)become the heroes. To this point, the media is a powerful tool to make people popular An apt example to illustrate this point is Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking,（重复） one of the greatest living physical scientists, if not the greatest, （俺没读懂，望指教～）gradually become the hero amongst people, especially those children who dreaming to become a scientist. Widely reported by the media, Hawking is winning more and more people’s hearts（respect and recognization). In this sense, the media contribute a lot to the cultivation(publicity)因为我认为不是媒体培养了英雄，而是催化剂作用，辅助的 of the hero- Stephen Hawking. Meanwhile, besides this(these) scientist, we also could(could also) list numerous heroes in other fields nowadays. One common feature they share（嗯，不错） is that they are often reported by the media. Thus, the conclusion could be draw（drawn) that the media do play a vital role in cultivating(?) our heroes.

All in all, the media is indispensable to our heroes nowadays. It not only helps people to disclose those false heroes, but also promotes cultivating true heroes.

我觉得文章中语法上的错误是不是由限时所致？因为我看重复犯错误的概率还是比较小的。
分析上有待加强，例子有否说服力关键在于你能否extract the useful pieces of the examples cited, or just single out one typical characteristic of the examples, 然后往你的论点上拉，自圆其说～

my article
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ighlight=%2Bxmbjowl
expecting some suggestions, in case you have time! Thanx!

runningpiggyUID: 194977

Living in a world which is abundant of intensive media, not only the ordinary people but also those[those多余] celebrities[but also后是比较重点的部分，我觉得应该把celebrity和common people换个位，因为celebrity没法摆脱media是很正常的，感觉没有什么好强调的] have no means to escape from the coverage of media. Due to scrutinizing[怎么不直接写scrunity] of intensive media, is there any chance left for any person becomes a hero?[前面引出得不好，前面应该写人们没有办法在intensive media前掩饰自己的缺点，这里才能引导到hero这个问题上，不然感觉这句跟前面有点脱节，而且为什么要以提问的方式呢] The author holds the pessimistic attitude towards this question and claims no. Nevertheless, as far as I am concerned, the wide media coverage do help to build a genuine hero rather than inhibiting. [最后这句写得最好，简练清晰。整段其实也还行，就是写的时候多注意就好了]
        
Truly, the media ruin the reputation of some so-called heroes is[这句话怎么双谓语了，如果要这么写应该在the media前面加个that，变成个主语从句才行] not entirely without support.[表述还不够明确，直接说media确实会ruin了某些hero的reputation就好啦，有没有足够的support应该放在后面说] It could be largely attributed to the inherent deficiencies of those so-called heroes. We can find such kind of examples in many fields.[后面有for instance就够了，前面这句不需要，而且也写得不好，we can find有点太口语化了。我感觉这句话用witness会很漂亮，Many fields have witnessed such kind of situations，不过个人建议而已] For instance, in politics, the Nixon's Watergate Scandal and the Clinton's sexual scandal were disclosed by newspapers and magazines, which pulled down their splendid outlook into pieces. In amusement realm, we have already got used to reading kinds of news about lives of some famous stars from newspaper.[感觉具体一点好] In academic area, the media also witness[晕，原来这里有了，当我前面的没说过阿] the falling of the famous North Korean scientist Hwang Woo-Suk due to his cheating in his[前面有his后面就不需要了，用the就行] experiments. Numerous evidences[这个词可数么？我是不太清楚] could be cited to prove this point that no ostensible heroes could escape from the scrutiny of media.[这句写得很好] In other word, it seems that the media is destructive to heroes. [总的结构很不错，不过一个让步段写这么长会不会有点舍本逐末了？]

Nevertheless, we see[we see这样的说法不好，客观的一点的写法是it is或者there is] no necessity to protect those false heroes from the media, for the reason that the media provides a great deal of information, with which we can distinguish the right heroes from false ones.[太长了点，我觉得把原因的这部分另起一句比较好] As we know, heroes are very crucial to individuals in that those heroes could offer infinite power to inspire individuals’ endeavor.[这句跟主题似乎有点远] Hence, it is also equally important to choose a right one. For instance, were there no media’s timely disclosure of Professor Hwang’s cheating, his followers would tend to continue blindly following Hwang’s way and subsequently deviate from the correct path.[很不错的一句] Obviously, the media nowadays serves[主谓不一致] a critical role in conveying the details of heroes to us and thus help us to make wish[这是什么意思] choices. [感觉这一段的内容太浅薄了点，没有写到深入的地方，只是写到TS句的那个现象，而没有探讨现象的成因]

Additionally, with the help of the wide media coverage, it is more convenient to cultivate a hero than ever before. Throughout the history, a lot of outstanding people have the potential to be the[the多余] heroes, but some become the heroes, while some do not. Why?[不用问why啦，后面直接说原因就行啦] It could be largely attributed to their different popularity.[这里其实可以分析一下有什么因素可以影响一个英雄的诞生的，然后一个一个分析] The more people recognize their values, the easier for them to become the[不要the] heroes. To this point, the media is a powerful catalyst to foster the popularity of heroes. An apt example to illustrate this point is Stephen Hawking. As one of the greatest living physical scientists, he gradually becomes[became] the hero amongst people, especially those children who dreaming[dream] to become a scientist. Widely reported by the media, Hawking is winning more and more people’s respects and reorganization. In this sense, the media greatly catalyze the birth of a hero - Stephen Hawking. Meanwhile, besides these scientists, we could also list numerous heroes in other fields nowadays.[这里跟个定从后面就不用多弄一句了] One common feature they share is that they are often reported by the media. Thus, a[an] immediate conclusion could be achieved that the media acts as a catalyst in catalyze[怎么老用catalyze，用个accelerate之类的也好啊] the formation of our heroes. [跟前面说的那样，我总感觉还有点别的东西可以影响到hero的诞生，但是这里都没有讨论到，甚至似乎是没有考虑过这个问题]

All in all, the media is indispensable to our heroes nowadays. It not only helps people to disclose those false heroes, but also promotes cultivating true heroes.[这句话可以倒装，这结尾不错]


[总的来说，我觉得这样的文章能拿到基本的分数，还要加强就是具体论证的过程了。写文章没那么顺利是自然的事，或许是写的时候考虑的事情多了，我认为是好事情。再多点练习就好了]

dicmiUID: 183392

谢谢嘉~
占个位子，改好帖上来。。。

__________________________


直接在+修改的文章上面改的，么有把批注删掉。看起来可能乱了点，不过还是发上来吧：）
赫赫


Living in a world which is abundant of intensive media, not only the celebrities but also those[those多余] ordinary people[but also后是比较重点的部分，我觉得应该把celebrity和common people换个位，因为celebrity没法摆脱media是很正常的，感觉没有什么好强调的] have no means to escape from the coverage of media. Hence, people try their best to cover themselves in order to keep some private secrets unknown to public. A question, then, rises:is there any chance left for any person becomes a hero?[前面引出得不好，前面应该写人们没有办法在intensive media前掩饰自己的缺点，这里才能引导到hero这个问题上，不然感觉这句跟前面有点脱节，而且为什么要以提问的方式呢] The author holds the pessimistic attitude towards this question and claims no. Nevertheless, as far as I am concerned, the wide media coverage do help to build a genuine hero rather than inhibiting. [最后这句写得最好，简练清晰。整段其实也还行，就是写的时候多注意就好了]
        
Truly, the media ruin the reputation of some so-called heroes to some extent. Such examples  is[这句话怎么双谓语了，如果要这么写应该在the media前面加个that，变成个主语从句才行] not entirely without support.[表述还不够明确，直接说media确实会ruin了某些hero的reputation就好啦，有没有足够的support应该放在后面说] It could be largely attributed to the inherent deficiencies of those so-called heroes. Many fields have witnessed such kind of situations. [后面有for instance就够了，前面这句不需要，而且也写得不好，we can find有点太口语化了。我感觉这句话用witness会很漂亮，Many fields have witnessed such kind of situations，不过个人建议而已] For instance, in politics, the Nixon's Watergate Scandal and the Clinton's sexual scandal were disclosed by newspapers and magazines, which pulled down their splendid outlook into pieces. In amusement realm, we have already got used to reading kinds of news about lives of some famous stars from newspaper.[感觉具体一点好] In academic area, the media also witness[晕，原来这里有了，当我前面的没说过阿] the falling of the famous North Korean scientist Hwang Woo-Suk due to his cheating in the [前面有his后面就不需要了，用the就行] experiments. Numerous evidences[这个词可数么？我是不太清楚] could be cited to prove this point that no ostensible heroes could escape from the scrutiny of media.[这句写得很好] In other word, it seems that the media is destructive to heroes. [总的结构很不错，不过一个让步段写这么长会不会有点舍本逐末了？]

Nevertheless, there is[we see这样的说法不好，客观的一点的写法是it is或者there is] no necessity to protect those false heroes from the media. For the reason that the media provides a great deal of information, we can distinguish the right heroes from false ones.[太长了点，我觉得把原因的这部分另起一句比较好] Common sense tells us that, it is also important to choose a right hero as the source of power and couragement. For example, were there no media’s timely disclosure of Professor Hwang’s cheating, his followers would tend to continue blindly following Hwang’s way and subsequently deviate from the correct path.[很不错的一句]In contrary, with the intensive coverage of media, we also are provided countless information about some present heroes. Their healthy lifestyle, their optimistic attitudes, as well as their outstanding thinking, all of them are conveyed by the media, and subsequently reach our ordinary people’s comprehension. To some extent, those positive reports do greatly help people to learn and follow the essences of those heroes.  Obviously, the media nowadays serve[主谓不一致] a critical role in offering the details of heroes to us and thus help us to make wise[这是什么意思] choices. [感觉这一段的内容太浅薄了点，没有写到深入的地方，只是写到TS句的那个现象，而没有探讨现象的成因]

Additionally, with the help of the wide media coverage, it is more convenient to cultivate a hero than ever before. Throughout the history, a lot of outstanding people have the potential to be [the多余] heroes, but some become the heroes, while some do not. [不用问why啦，后面直接说原因就行啦] It could be largely attributed to their different popularity. Generally speaking, the formation of heroes can be divided into two parts: one is the inherent characteristics of heroes, the other one is the wide recognition. Granted the people who have already attain such heroical merits, [这里其实可以分析一下有什么因素可以影响一个英雄的诞生的，然后一个一个分析] the more people recognize their values, the easier for them to become the[不要the] heroes. To this point, the media is a powerful catalyst to foster the popularity of heroes. An apt example to illustrate this point is Stephen Hawking. As one of the greatest living physical scientists, he gradually became[became] the hero amongst people, especially those children who dream[dream] to become a scientist. Widely reported by the media, Hawking is winning more and more people’s respects and reorganization. In this sense, the media greatly catalyze the birth of a hero - Stephen Hawking. Meanwhile, numerous heroes in other fields could be listed to prove this points besides the scientists. [这里跟个定从后面就不用多弄一句了] One common feature they share is that they are often reported by the media. Thus, an[an] immediate conclusion could be achieved that the media acts as a catalyst in accelerate[怎么老用catalyze，用个accelerate之类的也好啊] the formation of our heroes. [跟前面说的那样，我总感觉还有点别的东西可以影响到hero的诞生，但是这里都没有讨论到，甚至似乎是没有考虑过这个问题]

All in all, the media is indispensable to our heroes nowadays. Not only helps people to disclose those false heroes, but also promotes cultivating true heroes, the media is significant to our lives.[这句话可以倒装，这结尾不错]

[ 本帖最后由 dicmi 于 2006-7-25 20:10 编辑 ]