issue50 [Smile]第一次作业，大家狠命拍！

monica98UID: 2124796

ISSUE50

I strongly agree with this statement.The primary function of university or college is to prepare students to compete in the highly competitive job market, and to solve some problems in society which is outside the campus. So it is necessary for the faculty to be able  to inform college students the fresh and practical knowledge which  can not  be obtained in campus.The quality of instruction will be improved by requiring faculty to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the discipline.  

First, It is in a very competive society that people are living and working now, young man need to learn the knowledge and skills related to job in university. Unlike the young people in the past, the college students will not automatically get job offer after graduation. It was very easy for a young man graduating from an average unversity ten years ago, however, things changed greatly due to the rapidly developing economy since the opening-up of china. Nowadays, facing so competive peers and high standard of job requirement , many newly graduate students from university might not be able to find a job. So faculty with knowledge and experience in professional field will gives more valuable instruction to students.  

Sencond,  The  faculty without professional experience will fail to provide a proper instruction to the people seeking higher education and professional education. More and more people who have already worked in certain professional field after graduation are inclined to  return to campus in order to  absorb advanced expertise, thereby improving their competence in office. For example, one of my neighbors, who graduated from Peking University with a bachelor degree in computer science, has worked in a software company with a decent salary for three years, last year, he told me that he chose to resign and go back campus to pursue his master degree. However, now he complained that his instructor can not give him a proper instruction in his interested academic study, lacking the related professional background, his advisor always gives him some out-dated ideas.So the quality of instruction depends on the stuff about the certain profession that the faculty is able to offer.

Third, spending time working in certain professions related to the discipline will contribute to the cooperatation between the faculty in university and relative industry, as a result, the education will become more goal-oriented and meaningful. This point can be illustrated well by the following example: A famous software company,Microsoft has been promoting a plan to invite some outstanding scholars and students to join their research institute as part-time employee or intern in globle wide each year.By working on the problem driven by social need,  this communication plan benefits faculty and university not only in the academic study but also in the social respects.   

In sum,  the faculty should be required to work outside the campus in related industry , because they will become more efficient in teaching their courses and do  more meaningful jobs for society.

[ 本帖最后由 monica98 于 2006-7-23 19:21 编辑 ]

monica98UID: 2124796

Arguement 53

The arguer concludes that the the increased levels of melatonin caused by decreased daylight lead to the shyness during infancy and the later life. To support this conclusion, the arguer cites the study of 25 infants and the results of these infants when they grow up. I find this arguement is logically flawed in several respects.

First, it is unreasonable to draw any conclusion about the effect of levels of melatonin on infants based on study in only a group of 25 infants.  Depending on the total number of all infants, it is entirely possible that this investigated group of 25 infants can not typify infants. Even if this group of 25 infants is representative of all infants, the arguer does not provide evidence to support that the signs of distress is necessarily due to the unfamiliar stimuli. It is highly possible that other factors might contribute to the mild distress, such as the improper feeding or the insufficient sleep.

Second,the arguer unfairly assumes that in early autumn the mothers of these 25 infants do decrease the exposure to daylight. Yet, no credible evidence is provided to substantiate this assumption.  After all, the daylight for different people can varies in different region and at different time. Perhaps, some of these mothers go out more frequently or the weather is always sunny in some region during the early autum, so some mothers might enjoy same even more sunshine during early autum.

Third, the arguer assumes that  there is no other reasons for the shyness for 25 infants (now teenage at age 13). A great deal of empirical evidences shows that it is not uncommon  for teenage at that age to be shy. Or perhaps other factors play a key role in the form of the character s of these teenages, such as family incidence or frustration in academic study. These cases will greatly undermine this claim.

In summary, this argument is unconvincing as it stands. To justify it, the arguer must provide better evidence that the chosen 25 infants can be representive of typical infants, and the accurate report about the daylight for mothers during the early autum and compare it with other seasons.The arguer also needs to identify the origin of shyness of these teenages.

[ 本帖最后由 monica98 于 2006-7-23 19:22 编辑 ]

smiles11UID: 2232631

开头很直接的表白我喜欢，结尾和我的一样简短我也喜欢，不过我是因为实在写不动了，呵呵@ 看看你的内容！不过实在累了，看的不好不要怪我！

ISSUE50

I strongly agree with this statement.The primary function of university or college is to prepare students to compete in the highly competitive job market,---那个高度竞争有个更好的形容词的，大脑不运转了，所以也没有办法告诉你了，不过以后留意一下，经常要用的！ and to solve some problems in society which is outside the campus. So it is necessary for the faculty to be able  to inform college students the fresh and practical knowledge which  can not  be obtained in campus.---这句话稍微有点绝对！The quality of instruction will be improved by requiring faculty to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the discipline.  

First, It is in a very competive society that people are living and working now, young man need to learn the knowledge and skills related to job in university. Unlike the young people in the past, the college students will not automatically get job offer after graduation. It was very easy for a young man graduating from an average unversity ten years ago, however, things changed greatly due to the rapidly developing economy since the opening-up of china. Nowadays, facing so competive peers and high standard of job requirement , many newly graduate students from university might not be able to find a job. So faculty with knowledge and experience in professional field will gives more valuable instruction to students.  ---这个是否扯得稍微有点远了，不应该作为一段来论述，个人意见！因为人家讲的大学教师到校外工作到底教学质量好不好，你可以交代现代社会竞争需要什么样知识，而教师到校外工作真好可以带来这些知识。但是单独作为一段来论述我觉得没有必要似的。

Sencond, The faculty without professional experience will fail to provide a proper instruction to the people seeking higher education and professional education. More and more people who have already worked in certain professional field after graduation are inclined to  return to campus in order to  absorb advanced expertise, thereby improving their competence in office. For example, one of my neighbors, who graduated from Peking University with a bachelor degree in computer science, has worked in a software company with a decent salary for three years, last year, he told me that he chose to resign and go back campus to pursue his master degree. However, now he complained that his instructor can not give him a proper instruction in his interested academic study, lacking the related professional background, his advisor always gives him some out-dated ideas.So the quality of instruction depends on the stuff about the certain profession that the faculty is able to offer。 你的论证挺独特的，这一段和上一段好像都是从侧面来论证整体似的。这样可能也挺好的，但是还真容易跑题。不过那个例子不用很详细。重在例子的分析，呵呵，我自己总是忘了！

Third, spending time working in certain professions related to the discipline will contribute to the cooperatation between the faculty in university and relative industry, as a result, the education will become more goal-oriented and meaningful. This point can be illustrated well by the following example: A famous software company,Microsoft has been promoting a plan to invite some outstanding scholars and students to join their research institute as part-time employee or intern in globle wide each year.By working on the problem driven by social need,  this communication plan benefits faculty and university not only in the academic study but also in the social respects.   ---这一段好，是从正面论证的！

In sum,  the faculty should be required to work outside the campus in related industry , because they will become more efficient in teaching their courses and do  more meaningful jobs for society[。 嗯，结尾和我的差不多，不过好像可有可无似的！

还是请其他人也来看看吧，不过我到时有点醒了，论证和观点还是挺独特的！我讲错的不要怪我啊！

[ 本帖最后由 smiles11 于 2006-7-22 17:35 编辑 ]

geniuschenUID: 2131745

I strongly agree with this statement.The primary function of university or college is to prepare students to compete(prepare sb. for doing sth.?) in the highly competitive job market, and to solve some problems in society which is outside the campus.(咋能把社会和大学分离了呢？直接outside the campus就好了吧) So it is necessary for the faculty to be able  to inform college students the fresh and practical knowledge which  can not  be obtained in campus（on campus？）.The quality of instruction will be improved by requiring faculty to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the discipline.  

First, It is in a very competive society that people are living and working now, young man need to learn the knowledge and skills related to job in university.（第一句少一个连词） Unlike the young people in the past, the college students will not automatically get job offer（offers） after graduation. It was very easy for a young man graduating（to graduate） from an average university ten years ago, however, things changed greatly due to the rapidly developing economy since the opening-up of china(这句话的作用是什么？完全可以不要，怎么从找工作扯到毕业上了？). Nowadays, facing so(such) competive peers and high standard(s) of job requirement , many newly graduate students from university might not be able to find a job. So faculty with knowledge and experience in professional field will gives more valuable instruction to students.(topic是faculty的，你整个一段就最后提到了一下，通段都在写students，有点喧宾夺主了)  

Sencond,  The  faculty without professional experience will fail to provide a proper instruction to the people seeking higher education(这个可删去) and professional education. More and more people who have already worked in certain professional field after graduation are inclined to  return to campus in order to  absorb advanced expertise, thereby improving their competence in office. For example, one of my neighbors, who graduated from Peking University with a bachelor degree in computer science, has worked in a software company with a decent salary for three years, last year, he told me that he chose to resign and go back campus to pursue his master degree. However, now he complained that his instructor can not give him a proper instruction in his interested academic study, lacking the related professional background, his advisor always gives him some out-dated ideas.（这个例子里面的时态极其的混乱，而且说服力不是很强）So the quality of instruction depends on the stuff about the certain profession that the faculty is able to offer.

Third, spending time working in certain professions related to the discipline will contribute to the cooperatation between the faculty in university and relative industry, as a result, the education will become more goal-oriented and meaningful. This point can be illustrated well by the following example: A famous software company,Microsoft has been promoting a plan to invite some outstanding scholars and students to join their research institute as part-time employee or intern in globle wide each year.By working on the problem driven by social need,  this communication plan benefits faculty and university not only in the academic study but also in the social respects.  （你的例子哪里提到了学校faculty了？而且最后你也并没有回到你的主题句啊 像你的演绎就没有提到the education will become more goal-oriented and meaningful.啊）

In sum,  the faculty should be required to work outside the campus in related industry , because they will become more efficient in teaching their courses and do  more meaningful jobs for society.

有些单词的拼写错误我没改，我觉得你的问题在于没有很好的演绎分析论点啊，有的部分有点跑题了。而且例子没有很好的用，像正文第二段，几乎就被那个例子占满了，怎么可能有说服力呢？个人意见 大家一起努力
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D2

[ 本帖最后由 geniuschen 于 2006-7-22 21:02 编辑 ]

monica98UID: 2124796

两位提的意见很好，修改当中,明天在发上来!

zhy5186612UID: 2167373

Arguement 53

The arguer concludes [-ed] that the the increased levels of melatonin caused by decreased daylight lead to the shyness during infancy and the later life. [ melatonin increase before birth  will lead to the shyness during infancy and the later life. 可能简洁些] To support this conclusion, the arguer cites [-ed] the study of 25 infants and the [follow-up ] results of these infants when they grow [ grown] up. I find this arguement is logically flawed in several respects.

First [firstly], it is unreasonable to draw any conclusion about the effect of levels of melatonin on infants based on study in only [through only] a group of 25 infants.  Depending on the total number of all infants, it is entirely possible that this investigated group of 25 infants can not typify infants [意思有点乱，建议修改it is obviously that, a sample size of 25 is too small to represent all the infants. Even if this group of 25 infants is representative of all infants, the arguer does not provide evidence to support that the signs of distress is necessarily due to the unfamiliar stimuli. It is highly possible that other factors might contribute to the mild distress, such as the improper feeding or the insufficient sleep[观点没有完全展开,因为只有这样才能充分证明“hormone 增加导致害羞”这个逻辑不成立].

Second [-ly],the arguer unfairly [似乎不妥，可删除, 在assumes后加groundlessly] assumes that in early autumn the mothers of these 25 infants do decrease the exposure to daylight. Yet, no credible evidence is provided to substantiate this assumption.  After all, the daylight for different people can varies in different region and at different time. Perhaps, some of these mothers go out more frequently or the weather is always sunny in some region during the early autum, so some mothers might enjoy same，or even more ，sunshine during early autum.[这个错误有点牵强，通常状况下，任何人秋季受阳光照射会比其他季节少，这样说的通 我个人意见]

Third [-ly], the arguer assumes [-ed] that  there is no other reasons for the shyness for 25 infants (now teenage at age 13). A great deal of empirical evidences shows that it is not uncommon  for teenage at that age to be shy [这句话有套话的意味，你应该说出具体是什么empirical evidences，ETS喜欢具体的细节]. Or perhaps other factors [may] play a key role in the form of the character  of these teenages [teenagers], such as family incidence [?] or frustration in academic study. These cases will greatly undermine this claim [指代模糊，the arguer's conclusion that, .....].
In summary, this argument is unconvincing as it stands. To justify it, the arguer must provide better evidence that the chosen 25 infants can be representive of typical infants, and the accurate report about the daylight [exposure] for mothers during the early autum and compare it with other seasons.The arguer also needs to identify the origin of shyness of these teenages[最后这句话意义不大，前面没有提这方面的事，也推论不出需要这样做，总体上结尾比较好:lol].
总体评价（个人意见哈，我就不客气了，不对大家商榷）
1 主要错误，样本小、可能其他原因导致害羞，分析不充分，观点展开的不好。
2 过渡词需要注意，多换换形式。
3 用词和句式单一，多改进啊（其实我也是啦） :lol

[ 本帖最后由 zhy5186612 于 2006-7-22 21:35 编辑 ]

vitaminxixiUID: 2159890

monica98 的augu

The arguer concludes that the the 笔误把increased levels of melatonin caused by decreased daylight lead to the shyness during infancy and the later life. To support this conclusion, the arguer cites the study of 25 infants and the results似乎用得不大准，result-study of these infants when they grow up. I find this argument is logically flawed in several respects.

First, it is unreasonable to draw any conclusion aboutupon the effect of levels of melatonin on infants based on study in only a group of 25 infants.  Depending on the total number of all去掉 infants, it is entirely possible that this investigated group of 25 infants can not typify +all infants. Even if this group of 25 infants is representative of can represent all infants, the arguer does not provide evidence to support that the signs of distress is necessarily due to the unfamiliar stimuli. It is highly possible that other factors might contribute to the mild distress, such as the improper feeding or the insufficient sleep.

Second, the arguer unfairly assumes that in early autumn the mothers of these 25 infants do decrease the exposure to daylight. 题目说的好像是白天时间减少而不是母亲晒太阳的时间少了吧 Yet, no credible evidence is provided to substantiate this assumption.  After all, the daylight for different people can varies in different region and at different time. Perhaps, some of these mothers go out more frequently or the weather is always sunny in some region during the early autum, so some mothers might enjoy same even more sunshine during early autum.

Third, the arguer assumes that there is no other reasons for the shyness for 25 infants (now teenage at age 13). A great deal of empirical evidences shows that it is not uncommon for teenage at that age to be shy. Or perhaps other factors play a key role in the form of the character s of these teenages, such as family incidence incidente or frustration in academic study. These cases will greatly undermine this claim.

In summary, this argument is unconvincing as it stands. To justify it, the arguer must provide better evidence that the chosen 25 infants can be representive of typical infants， and the accurate report about the daylight for mothers这里有点问题 during the early autumn and compare it with other seasons. The arguer also needs to identify the origin of shyness of these teenages.


发现楼上的比我改的好多了
多多学习！

xinxinwUID: 2144273

I strongly agree with this statement.The primary function of university or college is to prepare students to compete in the highly competitive job market, and to solve some problems in society which is outside the campus. So it is necessary for the faculty to be able  to inform college students the fresh and practical knowledge which  can not  be obtained in campus.The quality of instruction will be improved by requiring faculty to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the discipline. 开头段的论据不要太多，只要摆出观点就可以了

First, It is in a very competive society that people are living and working now, young man （还是students好一些）need to learn the knowledge and skills related to job in university. Unlike the young people in the past, the college students will not automatically get job offer after graduation.这句话老美估计不会理解，他们从来就没有毕业分配这种事情 It was very easy for a young man graduating from an average unversity ten years ago, however, things changed greatly due to the rapidly developing economy since the opening-up of china. Nowadays, facing so competive peers and high standard of job requirement , many newly graduate students from university might not be able to find a job. So faculty with knowledge and experience in professional field will gives more valuable instruction to students.等于没有论证。致使回顾了一下历史，指出学生们需要贴近市场的就业指导，但是没有说为什么有工作经验的教师们能满足这个要求  

Sencond,  The  faculty without professional experience will fail to provide a proper instruction to the people seeking higher education and professional education. More and more people who have already worked in certain professional field after graduation are inclined to  return to campus in order to  absorb advanced expertise, thereby improving their competence in office. For example, one of my neighbors, who graduated from Peking University with a bachelor degree in computer science, has worked in a software company with a decent salary for three years, last year, he told me that he chose to resign and go back campus to pursue his master degree. However, now he complained that his instructor can not give him a proper instruction in his interested academic study, lacking the related professional background, his advisor always gives him some out-dated ideas.So the quality of instruction depends on the stuff about the certain profession that the faculty is able to offer.这一段实际上是从反面论证上面一段的观点，可以合成一段。另外例子叙述得不好，是tofel的例子。

Third, spending time working in certain professions related to the discipline will contribute to the cooperatation between the faculty in university and relative industry, as a result, the education will become more goal-oriented and meaningful. This point can be illustrated well by the following example: A famous software company,Microsoft has been promoting a plan to invite some outstanding scholars and students to join their research institute as part-time employee or intern in globle wide each year.By working on the problem driven by social need,  this communication plan benefits faculty and university not only in the academic study but also in the social respects. 还是老问题，据理和TS完全没有关系，你只是说了确实存在企业和高校合作的实例，但是你的TS里面的contribution在那里体现呢？  

In sum,  the faculty should be required to work outside the campus in related industry , because they will become more efficient in teaching their courses and do  more meaningful jobs for society.

说问题吧，首先不知道你考虑没考虑过写大正小负或者小正大负的结构，issue里面一般是不采用一边倒的结构的，为了体现全面的思维。

再有，开头段一般不出现论据和例子，只是把自己关于这个题目的观点摆出来，说白了就是全文的摘要

另外，你这三段展开段之间没有用任何的逻辑连接词，这是体现行文逻辑的非常重要的手段。

kito9695UID: 209685

小子发帖格式错啦~
抬头看家园规则发帖格式自己修改

xinxinwUID: 2144273

The arguer concludes that the the increased levels of melatonin caused by decreased daylight lead to the shyness during infancy and the later life. To support this conclusion, the arguer cites the study of 25 infants and the results of these infants when they grow up. I find this arguement is logically flawed in several respects.

First, it is unreasonable to draw any conclusion about the effect of levels of melatonin on infants based on study in only a group of 25 infants.  Depending on （不知道你要表达什么，后面的分局并不是由前面的分句决定的，为什么要用dependt on呢？）the total number of all infants, it is entirely possible that this investigated group of 25 infants can not typify infants. Even if this group of 25 infants is representative of all infants, the arguer does not provide evidence to support that the signs of distress is necessarily due to the unfamiliar stimuli. It is highly possible that other factors might contribute to the mild distress, such as the improper feeding or the insufficient sleep.最后这个错误照得有点偏，对此既有反映应该是一个陈述的事实

Second,the arguer unfairly assumes that in early autumn the mothers of these 25 infants do decrease the exposure to daylight. Yet, no credible evidence is provided to substantiate this assumption.  After all, the daylight for different people can varies in different region and at different time. Perhaps, some of these mothers go out more frequently or the weather is always sunny in some region during the early autum, so some mothers might enjoy same even more sunshine during early autum.

Third, the arguer assumes that  there is no other reasons for the shyness for 25 infants (now teenage at age 13). A great deal of empirical evidences shows that it is not uncommon  for teenage at that age to be shy. Or perhaps other factors play a key role in the form of the character s of these teenages, such as family incidence or frustration in academic study. These cases will greatly undermine this claim.

In summary, this argument is unconvincing as it stands. To justify it, the arguer must provide better evidence that the chosen 25 infants can be representive of typical infants, and the accurate report about the daylight for mothers during the early autum and compare it with other seasons.The arguer also needs to identify the origin of shyness of these teenages.

泥沼的逻辑错误很奇怪，不是说错，而是对英文原句的理解不同，恩。

另外，原作者的结论是melatonin对distrss and shyness的作用，但是你并没有攻击作者的这一结论，而是围绕着两个study做文章。我觉得攻击力度不够。

monica98UID: 2124796

大家拍的好啊，学习改正当中，给大家一修改就知道自己哪里有问题了，问题太多，慢慢吸收^_^我思路上问题不少，argue问题多多啊，错误找的不准确，攻击不力。我的目标是i 3 a 5。还有加油啊！！！大家要多拍拍我啊

[ 本帖最后由 monica98 于 2006-7-23 19:49 编辑 ]