跪求高人指点(马上就要考试了,自己写的文没人管,希望高人挑挑错,批示一下)

ygb50826289UID: 2244705

Traveling abroad
  According to a recent survey, more and more people are traveling abroad in the TJ city. It is true. Let me show you some solid evidence: It was very few civilians to travel abroad in 1995; an increasing number of people chose trip in another country in 2000; but this status had changed so much and got a boom in 2005.
  Why is it? In my opinion, explaining this fact has got to contact the local economy. Along with the economic development, the civilians have got much money, which this condition allows people to go abroad. I can not imagine that if they have scarce money barely enough to live, can they do this?
  Of course, this instance has evoked some effect. On one hand, it can broaden our mind and horizon that help us to know the world and learn foreign language and so on. In the other hand, it causes the currency go out and lose abroad, even bringing the deficit problem in our life after we come back. Anyway, all the coin has two sides. Correct control the rule is the smart thing you can do!

wendywu1984UID: 2252161

我的建议：
你的文章结构还需要改进，句子之间的逻辑关系不是十分明显，单词运用上还不够地道，不过文章构思不错，写三段的话我还想不出这些文字呢。:loveliness:

以下是我为你改的文章，现丑了：

According to a recent survey,it is true that more and more people are traveling abroad in the TJ city. Some solid evidence show that very few civilians traveling abroad in 1995, and  in 2000 an increasing number of people began to take a trip in other countries, but during the year of 2005, this had greatly changed and the number was raising rapidly.

I suppose there are some reasons for explaining this phenomena. From my point of view, the main point is due to the local economy, with the development of the local economy, the civilians could afford to take a trip overseas.

However, some problems  are still existing. On one hand, it can broaden our mind and horizon and also help us to learn the world and foreign languages. On the other hand, it causes the currency go abroad, and even brings the problem of deficit in our life. In conclusion, all the coins have two sides. Correct regulation is the best thing we can do.