Issue130 【南智小组 Norman第9次作业】

norman518UID: 188582

130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."


To socialize children, as a hot-point view, should be how to make children suit to and come into our society. As for the destiny of society, at least the speaker considering, largely depends on how children are socialized today, therefore the author draw a conclusion that it is unfortunate for us not to learn how to cultivate children who know how to create a better society. The point, in my eyes, is fundamentally irrational in taking more emphasis on the socializing children rather than cultivating them right views of moral, psychological and physical quality. To better illuminate my view, let me case-by-case analysis in detail.

Above all, the view of socialization is more of a subject issue that differs from time to time due to differently moral view and value system. It is unfair to judge the young or children with out-of-date standard and eyesight. Take a controversial issue for example to express this, abortion or homosexual, as the popular social problem occurring in our daily life, could be easily acceptable by the young or child rather than the formers alike the speaker just because of the diverse views of moral and value. To a certain extent, the young or children could be more socialized and tolerant than the former as well as the speaker, but why? Maybe the young are less influenced by the ingrained tradition with which have more or less been imprint by the past times, and more emotional and vigorous with naivety to deal with the novelties.

Admittedly, the young generation, comparing with our parents and grandparents, is indeed devoid of ability to suit to and come into the society, insufficient of sympathy and senses of competing and cooperating, and then be unwilling to incumbent to certain social responsibilities. On the one hand, the children could not be instilled the right moral views and ideas by their parents and communities whose times and energies are spend on their daily routines. On the other hand, in the ear of admiring to personality and hero, the children have been assimilated by the social modes before cultivated by moral, belief and religion. Therefore, the urgent affairs in the face of educators are how to cultivate children right moral and belief rather than how to socialize them.

The destiny of society certainly more reckons on the young generation but rather fells back on the socialized children. Those who can sustain our social existence and development must be possessing of the ideas of freedom and equality on which all democratic societies depend, the virtues of tolerance and respect of which any harmonious societies is basis, the senses of inner insights and conviction for which any emergencies and crises be made, and the consciousness of competition and cooperation with which multinational economies thriving and global environments alleviating would be made through. All those important tasks could hardly be fulfilled only by socialization. The human history of civilization is full of this example to show this view, without strong religious upbringing, the Martin Luther King could not strive for the right of American blacks; without the courage of inner convictions, Mahatma Gandhi could not make contribution of Indian Independence. So, the destiny of society could mainly relay on freedom, democracy and tolerance rather than socialization.

Maybe it is no more wise than the speaker' assertion that it is unfortunate for them not to have learned to cultivate our children how to make a better society. To some extent, it is unfortunate in them alike the speaker as well as our parents and grandparents, not in our young generation. Looking around the recent society, the young have not only successfully accounted for those inveterately social problems about which the former could be worried, such as creating a more democratic and harmonious society as well as a more free and tolerant surroundings, but also been going in for more challenging difficulties with which the former could be confronted, such as global economy and unrestricted trade as well as multi-national cooperation to deal with AIDS (Acquires Immune Deficiency Syndrome) and SARS (Sever Acute Respiratory Syndrome) of which have been depriving millions lives of people. No one can deny the fact that all above achievements fulfilled by the young is not crating a better life and society. Had the formers failed to learn or deal with a better, why not the young must be. With this point in my observation, the society involving, the science and technology developing, but the speaker's eyesight is external forever.

In sum, human society should be suited and created by the young rather than be designed by the former. It is unnecessary for the adult today to repeat the same as their parents' worrying about them. If they indeed want to do something for the young, please instill the young a set of right moral views, such as democracy, freedom, tolerance and respect but rather how to socialize.

[ 本帖最后由 norman518 于 2006-12-3 04:33 编辑 ]

norman518UID: 188582

帮忙看看：
1）文章的结构？
2）怎样提炼文字、缩减内容（800+/150min哟！）---天呀！还有40天就杀机了！

molluscUID: 2270527

疑惑,我认为"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
这句话没说出来的意思应该是对当代的教育者们(包括学校\家长)提出要求,让他们反省自身应该如何教育和培养孩子,换句话说,即"我们应该怎样培养孩子",而不是讨论社会化和道德观的培养孰先孰后.

作文版全体版主UID: 2102351

Seat taken~
电脑原因，晚一天。明晚发上来，别急~

作文版全体版主UID: 2102351

130"How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
To socialize children, as a hot-point view, should beis更好 how to make children suit tosuit不用来指人，用fit for and come into这块的and用得不好，意思不连贯come into去掉 our society. 题目中前半句是讨论孩子的社会化程度与社会命运的关系，不是讨论怎样使孩子社会化。第一句完全与题目意思背离。As for the destiny of society, at least the speaker considering这句话有问题，不要把中文意思生翻过来, largely depends on how children are socialized today找不到前半句得主语是什么？as for+N不能作主语。这句话用在therefore前面表示在你的文章中默认了前半句题目的正确性，但事实上题目前半句只是作者的一个论断。作者的论断分为两部分，前半句和后半句。这两者并没有因果关系。而你在这里用一个therefore连接起来，表示因为前半句的事实，使得作者得出了后半句的论断，这样的理解我个人认为是totally错误的, therefore the author draw athe conclusion that it is unfortunate for us not to learn how to cultivate children who know how to create a better society不要套一串从句，这样说太绕了，而且容易错. The point, in my eyes不要没事乱用插入语。而且没听说过in my eyes，又是生翻。From my point of view不好么, is fundamentally这个词用来干吗？强调irrational？怪怪的 irrational inin表达什么？在某方面？你不是已经用了the point了？难以理解。感觉你是想说because it takes。。。 taking more emphasis on the socializing children rather than cultivating them right views of moral没有cultivate sb sth这一说，别瞎用, psychological and physical quality. To better illuminate my view, let me do少了一个动词case-by-case analysis in detail.自己提出了观点，反对，但原因没靠到题目上来。题目无非两方面，孩子社会化程度决定社会命运；还有我们很不幸没有学会怎么培养孩子。你的观点应该是针对这两方面的，是对“孩子社会化与社会命运的关系”有疑问，还是对“是否学会培养孩子”有疑问，你说的“比起培养孩子人们过多关注使孩子社会化”，这点我看不出来和题目有什么关心，除了是说孩子，还有两个关键字“培养”和“社会化”之外。另外这段语言有很大问题。很多错句子和单词的错误用法，希望你注意，不会用的话尽量避免，用自己知道的，别瞎用
Above all, the view of socialization is more of a subject issue that differs from time to time due to differently moral view and value system. It is unfair to judge the young or children with out-of-date standard and eyesight. Take a controversial issue for example to express this, abortion or homosexual, as the popular social problem occurring in our daily life, could be easily acceptable by the young or child rather than the formers alike the speaker just because of the diverse views of moral and value. To a certain extent, the young or children could be more socialized and tolerant than the former as well as the speaker, but why? Maybe the young are less influenced by the ingrained tradition with which have more or less been imprint by the past times, and more emotional and vigorous with naivety to deal with the novelties. 单纯谈社会化，不是不行，但不值得单独一段，而且应该与社会命运靠上关系
为什么要让步？我看不到这样一层关系Admittedly, the young generation, comparing with our parents and grandparents, is indeed devoid of ability to suit to and come into the society, insufficient of sympathy and senses of competing and cooperating, and then be unwilling to incumbent to certain social responsibilities. On the one hand, the children could not be instilled the right moral views and ideas by their parents and communities whose times and energies are spend on their daily routines. On the other hand, in the ear of admiring to personality and hero, the children have been assimilated by the social modes before cultivated by moral, belief and religion. Therefore, the urgent affairs in the face of educators are how to cultivate children right moral and belief rather than how to socialize them. 说培养孩子的重要性，比起使孩子社会化。跟题目的联系还是不紧密
没了信号词The destiny of society certainly more reckons on the young generation but rather fells back on the socialized children.young generation和socialized children似乎又重叠吧 Those who can sustain our social existence and development must be possessing of the ideas of freedom and equality on which all democratic societies depend, the virtues of tolerance and respect of which any harmonious societies is basis, the senses of inner insights and conviction for which any emergencies and crises be made, and the consciousness of competition and cooperation with which multinational economies thriving and global environments alleviating would be made through. All those important tasks could hardly be fulfilled only by socialization. The human history of civilization is full of this example to show this view, without strong religious upbringing, the Martin Luther King could not strive for the right of American blacks; without the courage of inner convictions, Mahatma Gandhi could not make contribution of Indian Independence. So, the destiny of society could mainly relay on freedom, democracy and tolerance rather than socialization.这一段是说社会化和社会命运的关系，有点靠谱。但似乎你忘记了谈得是孩子。
Maybe it is no more wise than the speaker' assertion that it is unfortunate for them not to have learned to cultivate our children how to make a better society. To some extent, it is unfortunate in them alike the speaker as well as our parents and grandparents, not in our young generation. Looking around the recent society, the young have not only successfully accounted for those inveterately social problems about which the former could be worried, such as creating a more democratic and harmonious society as well as a more free and tolerant surroundings, but also been going in for more challenging difficulties with which the former could be confronted, such as global economy and unrestricted trade as well as multi-national cooperation to deal with AIDS (Acquires Immune Deficiency Syndrome) and SARS (Sever Acute Respiratory Syndrome) of which have been depriving millions lives of people. No one can deny the fact that all above achievements fulfilled by the young is not crating a better life and society. Had the formers failed to learn or deal with a better, why not the young must be. With this point in my observation, the society involving, the science and technology developing, but the speaker's eyesight is external forever.
In sum, human society should be suited and created by the young rather than be designed by the former. It is unnecessary for the adult today to repeat the same as their parents' worrying about them. If they indeed want to do something for the young, please instill the young a set of right moral views, such as democracy, freedom, tolerance and respect but rather how to socialize.

几个问题：
1、语言实在是成问题！特别是第一段，完全是Chinese English，而且句子太长太绕，从句套从句。这是没必要的，根本不会给你的文章增彩。宁可简洁不要出错。后面的语言不仔细给你看了，一样的道理。下次注意就好。
2、信号词是用得不好。全文整个脉络不清晰。前两个body根题目不靠谱。最后两段靠到题目上来了。但整个逻辑关系不明朗。
3、提炼文字没别的，别乱用从句，别说废话，别乱套句子，别没事瞎插插入语。该说啥说啥就是。
有不少问题，需要加强！