issue47 [Synergy小组]ostrich第10次作业

ostrich1986UID: 2238177

47 "Society does not place enough emphasis on the intellect—that is, on reasoning and other cognitive skills."
社会对于智力还是重视不够，比如推理和认知的能力。


Should we place more emphasis on the intellect? The speaker asserts that the intellect, such as reasoning and cognitive skills, plays a vital role in the development of individuals and society. It is true as the speaker claims, however, in my point of view, we should pay enough attention to the significant effects of non-intellect education and the careful cultivation of individuals' interests.

Admittedly, it is because of the vast impetus in progress of individuals and society that we should place emphasis on the intellect. Integrate intellect includes imparting knowledge and nurturing innovative ability. There is a coincidence with the latter part-that is more crucial element-and the definition of the genuine education said by Socrates knew more than two thousand of years ago. The real purpose of genuine education is eliciting the knowledge from him or her and drawing out what is in his or her mind. On the social level, society cannot improvement without individuals’ contributions in innovation. As the pivotal ingredient of education and the propulsive foundation of social progress, the intellect should be placed emphasis on.

However, based on the experience absorbed from increasing failures, it is more imperative today for us to emphasize on the cultivation skills of communication and cooperation, which we neglect for a long time. The manifestation of the increasing significance of those skills is lacking of them will hinder the development of people. In China, there are a myriad of convincing examples to support my statement. One manifestation is that a growingly number of graduates cannot get their jobs because of their disheartening presentation in the job views. On the other hand, some of those who are employed after their graduation lose their jobs soon for they are incompatible with their workmates because of their lack of cooperation skills. The majority of the failures complain that they have not been be taught how to express themselves clear and work with others from elementary schools to universities. In short, we should not overlook the education of basic social skills.

Besides, interests play a key function in giving impetus to progress of individuals and society. When comes to interests, a good point at case is music which enables people to relax sound and edifies inspiration. As is known to all, Albert Einstein was adept in playing violin; Leo Tolstoy was good at performing piano; Frederick Engels was keen on German ballads. (这个排比写的不好 大家帮我改改好么？) There is no doubt that there are common characters among them that they are great and successive individuals and play a crucial role in impelling the progress of society and they all love music. Music, as a company and helpmate for his or her success in their lives, enables them to lighten up and forget pressure and then facilitates them to work more effectively. In a word, it is helpful in one’s developing to foster his or her certain interests such as music.

To sum up, not we should only place emphasis on the intellect, but also pay enough attention to cultivation of basic social skills and interests. Fortunately, people and society are awakened to the issue, and education for all-round development is processing in a growing number of schools.

westlife007_huUID: 2270665

交得好早啊,不是后天才交吗?我还没开始构思呢!你速度好快啊

ntmlgszUID: 2235666

47 "Society doesnot place enough emphasis on the intellect—that is, on reasoning and othercognitive skills." 社会对于智力还是重视不够，比如推理和认知的能力。

偶个人建议ISSUE还是写个提纲好~~不但方便别人掌握你的思路也可以让自己按照提纲里思路总结[写了很多文章之后]

Should we place moreemphasis on the intellect? The speaker asserts that theintellect, such as reasoning and cognitive skills, plays a vital role in thedevelopment of individuals and society.[断言了吗？不要以自己的主观思想来推断啊] It is true as the speaker claims, however, in my point of view, we should pay enoughattention to the significant effects of non-intellect education and the carefulcultivation of individuals' interests.[同意作者的说法对于社会智利的重视不够，并且提出应该注意effects ofnon-intellect education and the careful cultivation of individuals' interests这个就是你的观点吧]

         

Admittedly,it is because of the vast impetus in progress of individuals and society thatwe should place emphasis on the intellect. Integrate [integrated]intellect includes imparting knowledge and nurturing innovative ability. Thereis a coincidence with the latter part-that is more crucial element-and thedefinition of the genuine education said by Socrates[引述部分应该用引号括起来] knew [+it] more than two thousand of years ago. The realpurpose of genuine education is eliciting the knowledge from him or her and drawing out what is in his or her mind[此处有点罗嗦]. On the social level,society cannot improvement [用名词？] without individuals’contributions in innovation. As the pivotal ingredient of education and thepropulsive foundation of social progress, the intellect should be placedemphasis on.

[这一段的观点不明确论证不充分，句与句自之间的逻辑连接不紧密，注意这里偶们不是写散文哈~~观点要明确，逻辑要严密]

      

However,based on the experience absorbed from increasing failures, it is moreimperative today for us to emphasize on the cultivation skills of communicationand cooperation, which we neglect for a long time.[句首出现TS很好] The manifestation ofthe increasing significance of those skills is lacking of them will hinder thedevelopment of people. In China,there are a myriad of convincing examples to support my statement. Onemanifestation is that a growingly [用副词吗？]number of graduatescannot get their jobs because of their disheartening[用词不确切，令人沮丧的陈述？] presentation in thejob views. On the other hand, some of those who are employed after theirgraduation lose their jobs soon for they are incompatible with their workmates because oftheir lack of cooperation skills. The majority of the failures complain thatthey have not been be taught how to express themselves clear and work withothers from elementary schools to universities. In short, we should notoverlook the education of basic social skills.[本段论证和举例都还可以，观点明确，不过绿色部分有点重复]

               
       Besides,interests play a key function in giving impetus to progress of [between] individualsand society. When [+it] comes to interests, agood point at case is music which enables people to relax sound and edifiesinspiration. As is known to all, Albert Einstein was adept in playing violin;Leo Tolstoy was good at performing piano; Frederick Engels was keen on Germanballads. (这个排比写的不好大家帮我改改好么？) There is no doubt that thereare common characters among them that they are great and successive individualsand play a crucial role in impelling theprogress of society and they all love music.[长句子要小心用，最后一个不能和前两个构成并列结构] Music, as a companyand helpmate for his or her success in their lives, enables them to lighten upand forget pressure, and then facilitates them to work more effectively. In aword, it is helpful in one’s developing to foster his or her certain interestssuch as music.[补充的不错，不过过于单一，就说了个音乐，感觉此段说的有点游离你的中心]

      
      To sumup, not we should only [not only should we] place emphasis on the intellect, but also pay enoughattention to cultivation of basic social skills and interests. Fortunately,people and society are awakened to the issue, and education for all-rounddevelopment is processing in a growing number of schools.[你的开头观点不明确，所以结尾虽然总结了全文但不能和开头呼应]

      

总评：开头给人的感觉很不好~~写了提纲了吗？[建议写提纲]~~特别是前2段给人一种混乱的感觉[仔细检查下前两段]，文章的结构不是很好措辞，语法还是有一些问题，总之SO SO吧。我不是斑竹但在斑竹义务改作文的帖子里面看到就拿来看看。其实我写得也很烂很烂，评论不对的地方请谅解。谢谢~~总之多练吧你

[ 本帖最后由 ntmlgsz 于 2006-12-23 17:16 编辑 ]

westlife007_huUID: 2270665

Should we place more emphasis on the intellect? The speaker asserts that the intellect, such as reasoning and cognitive skills, plays a vital role in the development of individuals and society(作者没有下这样的结论啊，他只是社会没有给予智力足够的重视呀). It is true as the speaker claims, however, in my point of view, we should pay enough attention to the significant effects of non-intellect education and the careful cultivation of individuals' interests.

Admittedly, it is because of the vast impetus in progress of individuals and society that we should place emphasis on the intellect. Integrate intellect includes imparting knowledge and nurturing innovative ability(完整的智力包括传授知识和培养创新能力？这句是不是住谓搭配有点问题啊，应该是培养完整的智力包括传授知识和培养创新能力？). There is a coincidence with the latter part-that is （a）more crucial element-and the definition of the genuine education said by Socrates knew more than two thousand of years ago. The real purpose of genuine education is eliciting the knowledge from him or her and drawing out what is in his or her mind. (这里是不是应该在引申一下，eliciting knowledge这种教育手段有助于发展智力，培养创新精神)。On the social level, society cannot improvement(improve) without individuals’ contributions in innovation.（这里是可以举几个例子的，否则就貌似一句空话没有说服力，比如瓦特发明蒸汽机，爱因斯坦的相对论都是用于创新的表现，例子太多了） As the pivotal ingredient of education and the propulsive foundation of social progress, the intellect should be placed emphasis on.

However, based on the experience absorbed from increasing failures, it is more imperative today for us to emphasize on the cultivation （cultivating）skills of communication and cooperation, which we neglect for a long time. The manifestation of the increasing significance of those skills is lacking(改成lack,lack可作名词) of them will hinder the development of people. In China, there are a myriad of convincing examples to support my statement. One manifestation is that a growingly (growing)number of graduates cannot get their jobs because of their disheartening presentation（disheartening manners of presentation） in the job views(这是什么意思啊，工作观？). On the other hand, some of those who are employed after their graduation lose their jobs soon for they are incompatible with their workmates because of their lack of(前面用过lack了，defienciency in) cooperation(cooperative) skills. The majority of the failures complain that they have not been be taught how to express themselves clear and work with others from elementary schools to universities. In short, we should not overlook the education of basic social skills.

Besides, interests play a key function in giving impetus to progress of individuals and society. When comes to interests, a good point at case is music which enables people to relax sound(放松声音？这是地道的表达吗？是的就告诉我啊)and edifies inspiration. As is known to all, Albert Einstein was adept in playing violin; Leo Tolstoy （这是谁啊，什么大人物啊？）was good at performing piano; Frederick Engels was keen on German ballads. (这个排比写的不好 大家帮我改改好么？) 我觉得写得还可以呀。或者可以把这些人的成就与音乐相联系起来放到排比句里可能会有说服力一些就像你后面说的什么启发灵感，促进工作效率，其实我也不太会写）There is no doubt that there are common characters among them that they are great and successive individuals and play a crucial role in impelling the progress of society and they all love music. Music, as a company and helpmate for his or her success in their lives, enables them to lighten up and forget pressure and then facilitates them to work more effectively. In a word, it is helpful in one’s developing to foster his or her certain interests such as music.

To sum up, not we should only place emphasis on the intellect, but also pay enough attention to cultivation of basic social skills and interests. Fortunately, people and society are awakened to the issue, and education for all-round development （这是全面发展的意思吗？）is processing in a growing number of schools.

第一段显得空洞了而且比较模糊，有点泛的感觉。

还有个问题，就是作者的观点是社会没有足够重视发展智力，对于这一点同意与否你在文中并未有所评论，那完全撇开评价作者的观点是不是正确的，单方面将自己的看法，不知道这种写法可不可行？

不知道我有没有表述清楚。

[ 本帖最后由 westlife007_hu 于 2006-12-23 21:12 编辑 ]

ostrich1986UID: 2238177

感谢west
先回复你几个问题
job view 是工作面视
relax sound 是彻底地放松 sound 可以做副词
谢谢修改 确实是有些地方好好改 因为时间紧 最近的都比较赶

polymerwufanUID: 2219535

Should we place moreemphasis on the intellect? The speaker asserts that the intellect, suchas reasoning and cognitive skills, plays a vital role in thedevelopment of individuals and society.[这里回应主题有问题，不过这道题目是在不好回应，关于这个问题好像westlife007发了个贴子，我们可以去看下https://bbs.gter.net/thread-584119-1-1.html] It is true as the speakerclaims, however, in my point of view, we should pay enough attention tothe significant effects of non-intellect education and the carefulcultivation of individuals' interests.

Admittedly, it is becauseof the vast impetus in progress of individuals and society that weshould place emphasis on the intellect.[正是因为个人和社会进步的巨大推动力所以我们要重视智力因素？这句话感觉意义模糊，TS是得分的关键，所以立场一定要鲜明] Integrate[换成动名词或不定式] intellect includesimparting knowledge and nurturing innovative ability. There is acoincidence with the latter part-that is more crucial element-and thedefinition of the genuine education said by Socrates knew[known] more than twothousand of years ago. The real purpose of genuine education iseliciting the knowledge from him or her and drawing out what is in hisor her mind. On the social level, society cannot improvement[improve] withoutindividuals’ contributions in innovation. As the pivotal ingredient ofeducation and the propulsive foundation of social progress, theintellect should be placed emphasis on.[弄明白了你这一段的论述了，你是想从教育和社会两个层面论证intellect的significance, 那样的话在主题句里应该立场鲜明的表达这一立场，并且在论证过程中，只出现了一个on the social level, 前面应该的教育部分的论证应该也加上类似的衔接词，比如，as for education 等]

However, based on theexperience absorbed from increasing failures[直接用failure experience], it is more imperativetoday for us to emphasize on the cultivation skills of communicationand cooperation, which we neglect for a long time. The manifestation ofthe increasing significance of those skills is lacking of them willhinder the development of people. In China, there are a myriad ofconvincing examples to support my statement. One manifestation is thata growingly number of graduates cannot get their jobs because of theirdisheartening presentation in the job views[我觉得用interview更合适]. On the other hand[前面好像没有出现on one hand, 对了，这个短语可以单用吗，偶也不是很清楚], some ofthose who are employed after their graduation lose their jobs soon forthey are incompatible with their workmates because of their lack ofcooperation skills. The majority of the failures complain that theyhave not been be taught how to express themselves clear and work withothers from elementary schools to universities. In short, we should notoverlook the education of basic social skills.

Besides, interests play akey function in giving impetus to progress of individuals and society.When comes to interests, a good point at case is music which enablespeople to relax sound and edifies inspiration. As is known to all,Albert Einstein was adept in playing violin; Leo Tolstoy was good atperforming piano; Frederick Engels was keen on German ballads. (这个排比写的不好 大家帮我改改好么？) [我个人觉得这个排比挺好，排比的时候句式统一，都用...was...挺好，如果出现个did well in 就不美了]There is no doubt that there are common characters[characteristics] among them that theyare great and successive individuals and play a crucial role inimpelling the progress of society and they all love music. Music, as acompany and helpmate for his or her success in their lives[前后严重不统一], enablesthem to lighten up and forget pressure and then facilitates them towork more effectively. In a word, it is helpful in one’s developing tofoster his or her certain interests such as music.

To sum up, not we shouldonly place emphasis on the intellect, but also pay enough attention tocultivation of basic social skills and interests. Fortunately, peopleand society are awakened to the issue, and education for all-rounddevelopment is processing in a growing number of schools.
[咱们小组了我第一个改的就是你的文章，改了一个循环又到你了，个人感觉着几篇文章下来，你的进步非常显著。你这篇文章的整体模样出来了，issue作为一个整体，宏观上应该怎样展开，各段之间怎样衔接做的都不错。不过还要注意各段内的结构以及一些语法用词小错误，最重要的是你要对各段主题句Ts给与足够的重视。另外个人感觉你是一个非常勤奋的人，天道酬勤！祝愿你取得好成绩！！]