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[经典批改讨论] issue83 {长征队} 留链回拍,谢拍 [复制链接]

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发表于 2006-12-26 22:23:30 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

83."Government should preserve publicly owned wilderness areas in their natural state, even though these areas are often extremely remote and thus accessible to only a few people."
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Should publicly owned wilderness areas be preserved in their natural state? If so, is it the government’s obligation to take such preservation? As far as I am concerned, because of the importance of those areas and the efficiency of the governments’ participation, it is no doubt that publicly owned wilderness should be preserved, and by governments’ strength.

To begin with, publicly owned wilderness areas, even extremely remote, play an active role in keeping the balance of the nature and ecological system. It is well known that our world is a whole integrity, damage of any part of the ecological system, even the remote areas, will lead to the damage of the whole world. Take the depletion of ozone layer in Antarctica as example. Due to the wildly use of refrigerator, a lot of gases spread to the atmosphere and thus leads to a thinner Ozone Layer. The Ozone Layer helps prevent unwanted ultraviolet radiation; hence the temperature of the world is not too high. However, because of the depletion of Ozone Layer in Antarctica, the temperature in this area raises, therefore the iceberg in this area thaw out and consequently results in a higher level of Ocean, which means a disaster to human beings.  

What’s more, even some of these areas are extremely remote and thus accessible to only a few people, damage in those areas is rather serious. Generally, there are many precious animals or plants in those areas. Consequently, many people contrive to reach those areas in order to obtain those valuable animals and plants, which could bring immeasurable wealth. One of the famous examples of the remote areas which are damaged by people is Cocoa Syli, a rather remote area in Qing Hai Province of China. There is a fairly rare animal, in Cocoa Syli the Tibetan Antelope. The skin of this animal has a very good use of keeping warm, so there is a great demand in its skin in many areas. As a result, many people prey on this animal although it is quite difficult to enter into this area. It is reported that the number of the Tibetan Antelope decreases dramatically.

Due to the weak strength of non-governmental organizations, it is necessary for governments to formulate principles and policies to protect those areas. Non-governmental organizations can help realize the importance of protecting remote areas and to some extent stop some behaviors that would be harmful to those areas. However, the energy of their members is limited, and what’s more important, they have no right to punish people whose behaviors harm publicly owned wildness areas. Yet, governments can employ numerous people and they can enact laws to punish those evil behaviors. Also take Cocoa Syli as example. There is a long-standing non-governmental organization called wild yak team. Although they do many things to combat with those evil strugglers, their efforts are slim. The amounts of evil strugglers are far more than the number of its member. They do not possess sufficient energy to struggle with so many evil strugglers and even if they catch the evil strugglers, they can do nothing to punish them. Things would be much better if governments make effort to preserve this area. There will be adequate people to deal with those evil strugglers. Meanwhile, wrong crowds would be punished by laws. And some people, who once have the ideas of some wrong acts, will be frighten from doing anything wrong.


To sum up, due to the analysis above, apparently, in order to keep the balance of natural and ecological system, the remote areas should be preserved and only with the support of governments, there will be some achievements.

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沙发
发表于 2006-12-26 23:07:41 |只看该作者
占位,待会来拍

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板凳
发表于 2006-12-27 00:09:40 |只看该作者
Should publicly owned wilderness areas be preserved in their natural state? If so, is it the government’s obligation to take such preservation? As far as I am concerned, because of the importance of those areas and the efficiency of the governments’ participation, it is no doubt that publicly owned wilderness should be preserved, and by governments’ strength.
(开头的方式不错)


To begin with, publicly owned wilderness areas, even extremely remote, play an active role in keeping the balance of the nature and ecological system. It is well known that our world is a whole integrity, damage of any part of the ecological system, even the remote areas, will lead to the damage of the whole world. Take the depletion of ozone layer in Antarctica as example. Due to the wildly use of refrigerator, a lot of gases spread to the atmosphere and thus leads to a thinner Ozone Layer. The Ozone Layer helps prevent unwanted ultraviolet radiation; hence the temperature of the world is not too high. However, because of the depletion of Ozone Layer in Antarctica, the temperature in this area raises, therefore the iceberg in this area thaw out and consequently results in a higher level of Ocean, which means a disaster to human beings.  
这段的例子我觉得不太合适,ozone layer 能否算是wilderness area?这段的例子更象是讲环境污染的危害而不是ozone layer的作用,不算很直接的击中论点。)

What’s more, even some of these areas are extremely remote and thus accessible to only a few people, damage in those areas is rather serious. Generally, there are many precious animals or plants in those areas. Consequently, many people contrive to reach those areas in order to obtain those valuable animals and plants, which could bring immeasurable wealth. One of the famous examples of the remote areas which are damaged by people is Cocoa Syli, a rather remote area in Qing Hai Province of China. There is a fairly rare animal, in Cocoa Syli the Tibetan Antelope. The skin of this animal has a very good use of keeping warm, so there is a great demand in its skin in many areas. As a result, many people prey on this animal although it is quite difficult to enter into this area. It is reported that the number of the Tibetan Antelope decreases dramatically.(最后一句最好点明是因为poach)
(这段的例子我觉得用突出accessible to only a few people 会好一点,但是例子好像很难找,我的也差不多。困惑。)

Due to the weak strength(weak point ?) of non-governmental organizations, it is necessary for governments to formulate principles (enact laws?)and policies to protect those areas. Non-governmental organizations can help realize the importance of protecting remote areas and to some extent stop some behaviors that would be harmful to those areas. However, the energy of their members is limited, and what’s more important, they have no right to punish people whose behaviors harm publicly owned wildness areas. Yet, governments can employ numerous people and they can enact laws to punish those evil behaviors. Also take Cocoa Syli as example. There is a long-standing non-governmental organization called wild yak team. Although they do many things to combat with those evil strugglers, their efforts are slim. The amounts of evil strugglers are far more than the number of its member. They do not possess sufficient energy to struggle with so many evil strugglers and even if they catch the evil strugglers, they can do nothing to punish them. Things would be much better if governments make effort to preserve this area. There will be adequate people to deal with those evil strugglers. Meanwhile, wrong crowds would be punished by laws. And some people, who once have the ideas of some wrong acts, will be frighten from doing anything wrong.

(这段的论证比较有力)
To sum up, due to the analysis above, apparently, in order to keep the balance of natural and ecological system, the remote areas should be preserved and only with the support of governments, there will be some achievements.

我们的思路是一样的,又时间拍一下我的.
http://bbs.gter.ce.cn/bbs/thread-584919-1-1.html
ps:楼主写这篇限时了吗?我限时的时候总觉得例子难找,找到例子之后说的话也少,怎样才能弥补这种缺陷呢?

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地板
发表于 2006-12-27 14:19:30 |只看该作者

回复 #3 sfgbin 的帖子

正文第一段的例子我写的时候也觉得例子并不是太合适,但是也想不到其他的例子了于是也就用了这个了。这个不是限时的,是以前写过得拿出来改的

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发表于 2006-12-27 20:33:53 |只看该作者
83."Government should preserve publicly owned wilderness areas in their natural state, even though these areas are often extremely remote and thus accessible to only a few people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Should publicly owned wilderness areas be preserved in their natural state? If so, is it the government’s obligation to take such preservation? As far as I am concerned, because of the importance of those areas and the efficiency of the governments’ participation, it is no doubt that publicly owned wilderness should be preserved【建议这句改写一下,前面已经照搬了很多了】, and by governments’ strength.

To begin with, publicly owned wilderness areas, even extremely remote, play an active role in keeping the balance of the nature and ecological system. It is well known that our world is a whole integrity, damage of any part of the ecological system, even the remote areas, will lead to the damage of the whole world. Take the depletion of ozone layer in Antarctica as【for】 example. Due to the wildly use of refrigerator, a lot of gases spread to the atmosphere and thus leads to a thinner Ozone Layer. The Ozone Layer helps prevent unwanted ultraviolet radiation; hence the temperature of the world is not too high. However, because of the depletion of Ozone Layer in Antarctica, the temperature in this area raises, therefore the iceberg in this area thaw out and consequently results in a higher level of Ocean, which means a disaster to human beings.前面写的都很好,但是举例完毕后,还是要将上面举出的例子做一个分析,不要把举例做成了例子的堆砌。建议论证的时候以下面的方式:段首TS句――》理论分析――》举例――》例子分析――》总结。这样论证的好处就是论证的很清晰,很有逻辑。  

What’s more, even some of these areas are extremely remote and thus accessible to only a few people【建议改写一下,不要照搬】, damage in those areas is rather serious. Generally, there are many precious animals or plants in those areas. Consequently, many people contrive 【try,没必要用很复杂的词汇,这是AW,主要考查的是逻辑,用try就很好】to reach those areas in order to obtain those valuable animals and plants, which could bring immeasurable wealth. One of the famous examples of the remote areas which are damaged by people is Cocoa Syli, a rather remote area in Qing Hai Province of China. There is a fairly rare animal, in Cocoa Syli the Tibetan Antelope. The skin of this animal has a very good use of keeping warm, so there is a great demand in its skin in many areas. As a result, many people prey on【人的打猎不能用prey on 】 this animal although it is quite difficult to enter into this area. It is reported that the number of the Tibetan Antelope decreases dramatically.还是前面的问题,在举例完毕后,没有后续的分析!

Due to the weak strength of non-governmental organizations, it is necessary for governments to formulate principles and policies to protect those areas. Non-governmental organizations can help realize 【建议换一下】the importance of protecting remote areas and to some extent stop some behaviors that would be harmful to those areas. However, the energy of their members is limited, and what’s more important, they have no right to punish people whose behaviors harm publicly owned wildness areas. Yet, governments can employ numerous people and they can enact laws to punish those evil behaviors. Also take Cocoa Syli as example. There is a long-standing non-governmental organization called wild yak team. Although they do many things to combat with those evil strugglers, their efforts are slim. The amounts of evil strugglers are far more than the number of its member. They do not possess sufficient energy to struggle with so many evil strugglers and even if they catch the evil strugglers, they can do nothing to punish them. Things would be much better if governments make effort to preserve this area. There will be adequate people to deal with those evil strugglers. Meanwhile, wrong crowds would be punished by laws. And some people, who once have the ideas of some wrong acts, will be frighten from doing anything wrong.

To sum up, due to the analysis above, apparently, in order to keep the balance of natural and ecological system, the remote areas should be preserved and only with the support of governments, there will be some achievements.

总结:
总的来说,逻辑清楚,举例充分。不足之处:1。语言上的问题比较多。2。举例后的分析做的不够。

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发表于 2006-12-28 00:22:14 |只看该作者
先占个座
我的作文入口: 十分感谢你来指点我的作文


为了心中的梦我愿等到,面朝大海,春暖花开的那一天~~~

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发表于 2006-12-28 00:49:27 |只看该作者
第二段的例子有点问题,可以举中国西北植被破坏导致沙尘暴的例子。

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发表于 2006-12-28 01:11:42 |只看该作者
issue83 tianrushui
{长征队} 留链回拍,谢拍

83."Government should preserve publicly owned wilderness areas in their natural state, even though these areas are often extremely remote and thus accessible to only a few people."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Should publicly owned wilderness areas be preserved in their natural state? If so, is it the government’s obligation to take such preservation? As far as I am concerned, because of the importance of those areas and the efficiency of the governments’ participation, it is no doubt that publicly owned wilderness should be preserved, and by governments’ strength.【不懂为啥要加个and给它分开,GRE的阅读这样的句式倒是挺多的should be preserved, and (be preserved) by gov……,是不是强调了1.应该被保护2,由政府来保护。我不太推荐】

To begin with, publicly owned wilderness areas, even extremely remote, play an active role in keeping the balance of the nature and ecological system. It is well known that our world is a whole integrity 【感觉这两个词义有点重复】, damage of any part of the ecological system, even the remote areas, will lead to the damage of the whole world【这应该分成两句话】. Take the depletion of ozone layer in Antarctica as example. Due to the wildly 【widely】use of refrigerator, a lot of gases spread to the atmosphere and thus leads to a thinner Ozone Layer. The Ozone Layer helps prevent unwanted ultraviolet radiation; hence the temperature of the world is not too【inordinately】 high. However, because of the depletion of Ozone Layer in Antarctica, the temperature in this area raises, therefore the iceberg in this area thaw out and consequently【副词过多consequently可省】 results in a higher level of Ocean 【that the level of oceans rises】, which means a disaster to human beings【最后这个wich从句还是分开来写吧,不用都放到一句中】.  【例子的确不恰当】。这段举了例子了应该在针对你的TS分析一下,不要把例子扔到那里就完了。应分析一下例子和你的TS有什么关系??例子说明了什么?

What’s more, even some of these【these or those近指还是原指要保持一致】 areas are extremely remote and thus accessible to only a few people, damage in those【these】 areas 【感觉一句中就有两个相同的部分,不如直接说damage there】is rather serious. Generally, there are many precious【extinct】 animals or plants in those areas【Generally, there are lots of animals or plants living there which are in the danger of extinction; many of them can be sold at a higher price in markets】. Consequently, many people contrive to reach those areas in order to obtain those valuable animals and【or】 plants, which could bring immeasurable wealth. One of the famous examples of the remote areas which are damaged by people is Cocoa Syli, a rather remote area in Qing Hai Province of China. There is a fairly rare animal【,去掉这个逗号】 in Cocoa Syli 【加,】the Tibetan Antelope. The skin of this animal has a very good use of keeping warm【the skin of Tibetan Antelope is a good raw material for valuable coat】, so there is a great demand in its skin in many areas. As a result, many people prey on this animal although【though】 it is quite difficult to enter 【删去into】 this area. It is reported that the number of the Tibetan Antelope decreases dramatically. So…….和上一段一样的不足

Due to the weak strength of non-governmental organizations, it is necessary for governments to formulate principles and policies to protect those areas. Non-governmental organizations can help 【realize the importance???】 of protecting remote areas and to some extent stop some behaviors that would be harmful to those areas. However, 【the energy of their members ??】is limited, and what’s more important, they have no right to punish people whose behaviors harm publicly owned wildness areas. Yet, governments can employ numerous people and they can enact laws to punish those evil behaviors. Also take Cocoa Syli as example. There is a long-standing non-governmental organization called wild yak team. Although they do many things to combat with those evil strugglers, their efforts are slim. The amounts of evil strugglers are far more than the number of 【its member改成the wild yak team】. They do not possess sufficient energy to struggle with so many evil strugglers and even if they catch the evil strugglers, they can do nothing【 to punish them略去】. Things would be much better if governments make effort to preserve this area. There will be adequate people to deal with those evil strugglers. Meanwhile, wrong crowds would be punished by laws. And some people, who once have the ideas of some wrong acts, will be frighten from doing anything wrong.【通上】



To sum up, due to the analysis above, apparently, in order to keep the balance of natural and ecological system, the remote areas should be preserved and only with the support of governments, there will be some achievements.
我的作文入口: 十分感谢你来指点我的作文


为了心中的梦我愿等到,面朝大海,春暖花开的那一天~~~

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RE: issue83 {长征队} 留链回拍,谢拍 [修改]

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issue83 {长征队} 留链回拍,谢拍
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