Issue148 重发-.-

lindorUID: 2290025

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148"Many people admire idealism, but it usually leads to disappointment or trouble."

There is a hot debate on idealism recently. Some argue that idealism is an eternal dream for the whole society to pursuit. Others insist that admiring idealism usually causes disappointment or trouble, as the speaker claims. In my opinion, I concede that over idealism sometimes leads to depression. However, admiring and struggling for idealism can make our society more advanced and give us more hopes, for idealism not only can encourage people fighting for a better world, but also can bright out many heroes in every era, moreover, idealism can help to measure the maturity of society.
Admittedly, over idealism without appropriate practice can result in disappointment or trouble. The famous example is Owen, a richer in 1800s of English who dreamed communism and wanted to create a perfect society where had no hunger and no cold. In order to make his dream into reality, he came to America with all his money, bought a large piece of land, and then built a communist society. But he failed. Almost every realist considers Owen's endeavor as childish behavior. Although Owen failed several times, Owen's dream of an exactly equal and happy society still is most people's dream. As an idealist, Owen left us a hope and direction of future society, which is worthy to fight for from generations to generations.
Idealism is the opposite of realism. It reflects dissatisfaction with reality and good wishes to refine the society. Guided by such ideas, many big figures came up and devoted to the career for whole humanity. For instance, Karl Max, one of most significant thinkers in the world, dedicated his whole life into the research of social theory. When he was alive, he had no extra money for tasteful meals and comfortable house, even had no nationality. Yet his masterpiece, which has affected millions of people, oriented the bright future of our societies. Similarly, Waltz, who bear with poverty, composed the book called International politics, which is considered as a canon in the field of politics which still should be read after 1000 years. They are heroes, who endured what normal people can't put up with and made important contribution for entire society.
Looking back in history, we can find numerous people who admire idealism and stick to attain their goals with full heart and soul. They wasn't turn down by dark side of reality, even though some of them suffered a lot.  Their good deeds now still warm people and give society hope. Because of the belief of good, virtue and beauty, people can enthusiastically make efforts for individuals and societies.
As long as today is not the end of the history, people can find out the flaws of society, and can notice the necessity and possibility of improvement. As long as this possibility exists, idealism will not die. If people no longer have any illusion of ideal world, our society would no longer make any progress. If no idealism, those slaves working in the south manors of America would live a miserable life forever. If no idealism, democracy would never been applied in many countries. Thanks to idealism, many people contribute a meaningful and valuable life for the sake of advancing the whole society. And thanks to idealism, we now are living in a highly civilized  world, comparing to any other periods before.
Because idealism is not reality, It is hard to be accomplished by one person's will and endeavor.  Several cases of failure are not so surprising that they could cause doubt to idealism. The most fascinating component of idealism is that it is not easy to come true.  However, as long as people have any hope to life, people should try their best to make ideal society into reality. Whether a society is mature or not, depends on how it tolerate idealism. The Iraq can be a negative example.
In conclusion, idealism give people hope and direction, can refine and mature our society. People should be encouraged to admire and pursue idealism, unless our society would have no life and no progress.

[ 本帖最后由 lindor 于 2007-1-20 22:04 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

实在抱歉, 想删自己回贴结果把主题给删了...最近脑子不太清醒对论坛系统也有点手生....见谅...



There is a hot debate on idealism recently.(这句没什么必要, 感觉是在叙述最近举办了场辩论赛, 而且时态也不对. 一定想介绍这样的背景应该用抽象点的陈述, 比如: Such a debate roils in academia recently, which...) Some argue(rs) (claim) that idealism is an eternal dream for the whole society to pursuit. Others insist that admiring idealism usually causes disappointment or trouble, as (是speaker说的还是others说的? 用just like就行了) the speaker claims. (看了你之后陈述的论点之后感觉这三句对于你的论点表达一点帮助也没有, 没给论据也没说什么背景, 重复作者的观点意义也不大) In my opinion, I concede that over idealism sometimes leads to depression. However, admiring and struggling for idealism can make our society more advanced and give us more hopes, for idealism not only can encourage people fighting for a better world, but also can bright out many heroes in every era, (bright out heroes不也是为了鼓励人们么? 这二者不是同一个层次的角度, 并列在一起很不合适, 更何况你后面还有moreover) moreover, idealism can help to measure the maturity of society.

Admittedly, over idealism without appropriate practice can result in disappointment or trouble.(先抽象分析，再具象举例, 可以让你的论点更清晰) The famous example is Owen, a richer (口语化), in 1800s of (in) English (England) who dreamed communism and wanted to create a perfect society where had (there were, where是关系连词, 后面需要跟完整句子) no hunger and no (or) cold. In order to make his dream into reality (come true), he came to America with all his money, bought a large piece of land, and then built a communist society. But he failed. Almost every realist considers Owen's endeavor as (a) childish behavior. Although Owen failed several times, Owen's dream of an exactly equal and happy society still is (is still) most people's dream. As an idealist, Owen left us a hope and direction of future society, which is worthy to fight for from generations to generations. (你这段是在让步啊, 就算想让例子为自己的主论点服务, 这段的主题句决定了你的论据应该在主要说明disappointment和trouble才对, 至于后面的正面意见，应该放到之后论述主要论点的部分再说)

Idealism is the opposite of realism. It reflects dissatisfaction with reality and good wishes to refine the society. Guided by such ideas, many big figures came up and devoted to the career for whole humanity. For instance, Karl Max, one of most significant thinkers in the world, dedicated his whole life into the research of social theory. When he was alive, he had no extra money for tasteful meals and comfortable house, even had no nationality. Yet his masterpiece, which has affected millions of people, oriented the bright future of our societies. Similarly, Waltz, who bear with poverty, composed the book called International politics, which is considered as a canon in the field of politics which still should be read after 1000 years. They are heroes, who endured what normal people can't put up with and made important contribution for entire society.(then what a role did idealism play in their success? don't forget your point. 需要对于例子进行个案的分析, 让它们为你的论点发挥作用)

Looking back in history, we can find numerous people who admire idealism and stick to attain their goals with full heart and soul. They wasn't (weren't) turn down (defeated) by dark side of reality, even though some of them suffered a lot.  Their good deeds now still warm people and give society hope. Because of the belief of good, virtue and beauty, people can enthusiastically make efforts for individuals and societies.(此段自成一段的依据是什么? 前面你也在说history figures, 这里有什么不同么? 另外这里还是没说明理想主义在这些人中起到了怎样一个作用)

As long as today is not the end of the history, people can find out the flaws of society, and can notice the necessity and possibility of improvement.(跟你的论证逻辑关系不直接, 这个怎么支持你的主要论点? 从首段看这里似乎是要证明idealism helps to measure...但后面的论证却不是. 这个主题句更象是之前那些论点的展开, 没办法你第一个论点太大了, 所以后面举的例子更象是从伟人个人和大众的两个角度来论证这个问题, 但论据虽然是这么提供的论证却不是, 很混乱)As long as this possibility (what possibility?) exists, idealism will not die. If people no longer have any illusion of (an) ideal world, our society would no longer make any progress. If no idealism, those slaves working in the south manors of America would live a miserable life forever(理想主义和生活悲苦没有直接的逻辑关系, 不如说hopeless, despair这些). If no idealism, democracy would (have) never been applied in many countries.(which countries? 之前是具体事例这里又变抽象的了.) Thanks to idealism, many people contribute a meaningful and valuable life for the sake of advancing the whole society. And thanks to idealism, we now are living in a highly civilized  world, comparing to any other periods before.(这段很空, 缺乏说理的文字. 为什么理想主义能带来这些好处? 为什么有幻想就有进步?还需要进一步论证, 比如有理想的人能组织, 鼓动那些被压迫的人, 理想给人以希望..等等)

Because idealism is not reality, It is hard to be accomplished by one person's will and endeavor.(一开始已经让步过了, 这一段让步来得很突兀)  Several cases of failure are not so surprising that they could cause doubt to idealism. The most fascinating component of idealism is that it is not easy to come true. (这两句之间有什么逻辑关系么? 第一句说理想主义造成麻烦, 第二句却说理想主义最NB的好处就是不能实现....没论证没解释没说明, 看起来很荒诞) However, as long as people have any hope to life, people should try their best to make ideal society into reality. (这句跟前面更怪了, 理想不能实现, 但只要人们对生活还有希望, 就要尽量去实现理想...这些人是怎么了....逻辑, 逻辑)Whether a society is mature or not, depends on how it tolerate idealism. The Iraq can be a negative example.(其实这段当结尾不错, 要是句子之间的关系能再理顺点的话)

In conclusion, idealism give people hope and direction, can refine and mature our society. People should be encouraged to admire and pursue idealism, unless our society would have no life and no progress.

总体而言, 结构很不明确, 各段相互关系不清楚, 而且很多论点重叠, 重复, 论证也有些问题.
建议先联系提纲写作, 定好了行文套路再去写全文, 不然写出来就很意识流. 写每句话的时候都想想这句话对论证自己的观点有什么用, 跟上文有什么关系, 下面该如何展开, 这样才能让你的文章紧凑, 有逻辑和层次感.

lindorUID: 2290025

恩。。 thanks～～。
后面三段是前面被打断了之后写的，后面写啊写的就忘了该证明什么了。
一直不知道开头该怎么写。。。看别人范文里面，都把题目换了个样子说，我怎么觉得那么难啊……
今天第一次用awp练习，着急时间不够，想啥就说啥了。。。
还是有强烈的中文思维，用中文想的时候觉得蛮有道理的，换成英文写出来了，就觉得还蛮奇怪的-.-
刚开始的思路是：
1 带来希望，给予鼓舞；
2 塑造了很多追求理想的英雄人物，这些人为社会进步做了很大的进步，并且为其他人树立了榜样；
3 衡量社会的成熟度，完善社会的愿望催生了理想主义。一个社会能多大的容忍和容纳理想主义，体现了他有多成熟。。

看了你批的之后，我发现我没有把自己的观点表达清楚。段之间的衔接和段内的衔接都基本没有……

[ 本帖最后由 lindor 于 2007-1-20 22:23 编辑 ]

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

一开始先不用限时, 尽量把东西想好了在脑子里组织好然后慢慢写, 掌握套路以后再开始限时
题目换个样说就是玩下语法而已, 主动变被动, 辨证变选择疑问, 或者干脆用短句子把题目关键词概述出来, 这个可以做些变化句子形式的变化.
我们说中文的确条理不如英文清晰, 戴云有个例子, 问小鸟为什么比大鸟更经常造巢
中国人去解释可能就说"因为大鸟大啊""因为小鸟比较灵活""因为大鸟笨"之类的
而换用英文的句子组织方式, 会说, 因为大鸟大，  所以巢大, 所以需要的材料多, 所以建造比较麻烦, 所以不是经常重新造
写的时候多长个心眼就能行了, 相信很快就能找到感觉的

lindorUID: 2290025

那个鸟巢的例子，好赞啊～～～:eek:
按那个思维想确实顺多了～
嗯嗯，我继续努力。  ：）