Score it now 评出来的5分，大家帮着看看哈

zgqb336UID: 2178006

估计是电脑评的

不知道电脑评分标准和人的一样否?

zrrifleUID: 2228857

肯定是erater批的说，所以贴上来让大家评判一下亚，这个我也不能确定到底能不能上5分的说，argu倒是应该没问题

iq28UID: 2152875

lz不介意让我学习下吧...

"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."

Does the technological equipment cause the loneliness we feel in the current society? I admit the feeling of loneliness increases in the modern society, while technology is not the major fact of that, instead of this, technology of communication actually help us connecting each other. (首先说两种感觉孤独这种情况是在现代社会存在的,似乎在同意题目的观念,下面话锋一转,却说科技并不是主要原因,而且还帮助人们相互联系.明晰地提出自己观念的同时顺带指出了题目的intricacy)

With the development of technologies such as telephone, Internet and mobile phone give us the ability to communicate with each other without face-to-face communication. (第一个现代科技方便人们交流的原因:不用face-to-face) We only need to sit in front of a desk and send an Electronic mail to others, or use a mobile phone to call another. It is the truth that the times we meet with other people become less than before, (小让一步) when our predecessors needed to take a trip to see their families or send a mail and wait for several days. (这句话可以说得更明晰一点,后面再转折说我们现在怎么怎么不需要这么长时间消耗在旅途或者信在路上的时间)

Admittedly, the lack of direct connection (针对上一段的ts中without face-to-face communication的条件提出这种情况下的缺点.看到这里终于有点明白这篇文章为什么能拿5分了) with each other makes us easily to feel lonely for we only listen to the voices and words instead of the real figures everyday. Although we can turn to Internet to appease our emotion (再让一步,可以看到图象) we will feel even more lonely or helpless when we find there are only illusions made with digital bytes because we cannot be together with the person in another side of the wires. (这句话强到家了...非常朴实但是自己看了感触却很深....)

上面两段长度都不长,甚至可以说有点单薄.没有举出什么华丽的例子.语言也不是特别出彩.但是两个层次之间关系非常明晰,下一段针对上一段without face-to-face communication.的不足.论证的每一句话都strike the target.紧紧围绕着本段ts.

This condition, however, is not really caused by these new technologies. (话锋再次一转,针对上一段的lonely,虽然是和科技发展共存的,但并非科技发展导致了人们更加孤单.有点像批驳argu里面的同时因果错误) We actually have modern transports like airplanes and high speed railways, which make our trip much more convenient than before. (科技也有使人们方便见面的一方面) Even if we can not feel better with the tools like Internet and mobile phone, we can visit others easily when we have enough time. (引出时间,下面开始本段重点论证) However, we do not (have) enough time actually. (很短的一句话,朴实到家了,但是效果非常,好承上启下) The strong pressure of competence and fast life pace make us like machines only designed for working. We have to compete with others since the primary school, we need to get good grades and win a chance to enter a better college. After we graduate, we will face both the pressure from the society and the goals of ourselves. (稍微有点多,只要一两句说明我们是很忙的就可以了~重点要说明没有time的原因是因为pressure和ambition) Thus, we just feel busy and lonely every day, (这一句话可以放在下面一句后面,下面一句是lonely的终极原因~否则直接来busy and lonely让人觉得武断了:为什么会lonely?busy了就lonely了?) although we may have chances to know our classmates and colleagues, we often take them as competitors rather than friends. (我想向斑斑申请给你这句加精^_^) This is the real reason for our loneliness. It is the feeling of pressure and the ambition for success make us feel lonelier than before. (得出总结ts,压力和野心会导致孤独,同时也导致没时间看朋友亲人,更孤独.一气呵成)

这段有点不是那么清楚,觉得最好的链子是压力野心推出时间不足推出无法见面导致孤独.后面说到同事和同学是竞争对手而不是朋友固然很棒,但最好再能提及一下是压力和野心导致了时间不足,酱紫下一个段落的ts就会更针对于本段的时间问题~

On the other hand, (这个转折看得我有点莫明其妙...不是特别理解~) the wide spread of communication tools like mobile phones and Internet actually give us a precious opportunity so that we can keep connection with our families and friends in the limited leisure time. (这一段ts科技使人们方便交流是虽然是重点强调了节省时间方面,但下面的论证其实多少会和第一个body重合(那儿好像强调的是空间~),显得不是很好.也许点明了这段是时间那段是空间,论述的时候再注意拉开一点会更好.但文章的宏观结构还是很清楚的,本段ts是针对上一段time已经很少的情况之下,科技还是帮了我们很多忙的~) Without them, we may not have enough time to drive a car to our friend’s home hundreds of miles away or write a mail and take it to the post office. (写信需要科技完成??) If so, (这个so是指代什么?如果是有科技,显然矛盾~自己打argu自己了;如果是没有科技,那么后面的结论显得比较唐突.没有论证.这一段没有前面几个段落好~) we may lose the feeling of affection and we may no longer know what is loneliness, since we only live with ourselves and never know each other.

In sum, the development of communication technology actually helps us connecting with each other instead of making us feel lonely on the surface. It is the pressure and competence make us feel lonely, and the introduction of these new tools have made their efforts to overcome this effect, although they are limited.


第一眼看这个文章的时候觉得这么短还能5分啊....
再粗粗一看觉得每一段的论证都很少 觉得怎么可能深入呢...
仔细看完了之后才感觉到: 如果想考试的时候有时间论证深入,那么必须学会说话简洁且直接命中要害,就像这篇文章一样.
否则写了那么多都是兜圈子,中间只有很少的话能够支持到你的论点,你当然写不出更多的之间关系更复杂的论点,而且对于单个论点的论述也看了让人头晕而无法深入.
当然我觉得对于这篇文章比论证更成功的是宏观的思路 太清楚了

空间上,科技发展使得我们不用见面就可以交流(+)------>然而不见面人们确实会孤单(-)------>不过不见面的孤单不是由科技发展,而是由人们自己的压力和野心造成的时间不足造成(+)------>而且对于时间这个问题,事实上科技又是有帮助的(+)
最后总体对于科技显然是正态度,不过这个论证的过程是+ - + + ,而且一环套一环,明显比我只会先正再让步最后再来个这两个是incompatible的要强很多了.
本文的思路觉得是大家最值得学习的.好好想想为啥lz这篇文章语言和例子都不是很强的情况之下能拿到5分(觉得语言和例子还有就是缺乏一点长度也就是lz跟6分之间的距离了~)
总之偶在这里先谢谢lz的分享了!

当然我看这篇文章很可能有先入为主的5分印象,欢迎大家跟帖讨论^_^

[ 本帖最后由 iq28 于 2007-3-9 01:39 编辑 ]

approachUID: 2101189

LS的...我没分了...没法给你加了...

只能回贴鼓励此类认真研究文章的精神~~~我很看好你~~你肯定能考好的~~~~


PS,谢谢楼主的分享......

iq28UID: 2152875

|||
谢谢~~~
现在没有在担心考试...
尽力了就好了..

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

哈哈我还有分

补充句说

我觉得这篇ERATER能打到五分是因为结构很明确，论证性的语句各自独立且很明显，有相应的关键词表明逻辑关系

记得修锐说过ERATER很可能就是靠一些关键词来判断文章结构的

之所以没有6分可能跟内容相对单薄也有关系，如果BODY第一、二部分中会有更深些的推断和举例那么可能会更高，因为在评分标准里5分和6分有一点区别就是6分的所有点都是well-developed而5分没提到。当然我没见过ERATER给的6分文所以这些也只是自己的推断……

andyljhUID: 2121560

这才是拿到五分的关键吧，有启发意义。。。

feljo414UID: 2210010

谢谢，还有几天就要考了，最近正愁着呢。不只如何提高

[ 本帖最后由 feljo414 于 2007-3-16 20:50 编辑 ]

zhixintxUID: 2119874

的确是结构完整,观点鲜明.看来整体把握还应该放在第一位

xueyiUID: 2647060

膜拜一下！

xueyiUID: 2647060

重新看了一下，competition而非competence吧！

promiseluUID: 2761806

且不说逻辑如何衔接了， 但是这篇语言错误如此之多的，很多地方都没打空格以致两个词连在一起的文章也能有5分吗？ 强烈觉得人判会比机判低分。。