Issue103 崩溃作...诚求砖...必回拍

susan8940UID：160449

TOPIC: ISSUE103 - "The study of history has value only to the extent that it is relevant to our daily lives."
WORDS: 428          TIME: 1:31:34          DATE: 2007-3-17

Does the study of history have value only because it is related to our everyday lives?I'm afraid I can hardly totally agree with such assertion.Admittedly,history does largely influence our lives,which is the most obvious value of it.However,it also shows amazing merits on other aspects as well,as discussed below.

Undoubtedly,although history is mainly about people and events in the past,it does constantly touch our daily lives,chiefly in three points.First,history provide us modern people with mental value.We can absorb bravery and courage from our ancestors to go through difficulties we are confronted.Say,after reading the story about Napoleon,a yongster who is suffering from a lost examination may get to know that it is not true honor to succeed in the beginning,but to stand up and try again and again after every failure,and then,pick up his/her confidence and continuously struggle until achieve an excellent mark.Additionally,by learning history we are able to avoid making the same mistakes as people in the past.For example,the former American president Reagan used to make a plan called "Star War" to prepare for the predicted war,which cost countless time and energy and turned out to be a complete  waste.After studying such cases,we are warned to do enough investigations and analyse of the present situation before behaving.Thirdly,history may offer us aesthetic enjoyment and entertainment.In fact,what mostly attract people are those tales in history,which involve sense of beauty and excitement.

The study of history,however,can benefit us and our secity more in terms of its function in providing identity,which is considered significant character of certain family and even the country,as well as good citizenship.By studying history,we may find out what our grand grand grand father might experience in the past,where he lived,what he did,and the forth.We may get to know where we are stem from and who our ancestors are.And this may largely make it easier for us to make a better understanding of our genealogy,and keep the exact fine tradditions of the family. As for the identity of the whole society,history contribute to construct perfect citizenship.Deep study in history can tell the whole nation about the heros,how bravely they fought,how fiercely they loved,which seem the very characters and values of the nation.Even problems or failure of the nation in the past can show citizens the strength of the nation to recover from pain,which in turn may result in a wide national loyalty.

To sum up,the author failed to identify many other aspects the study of history can benefit our human beings and the survival and development of the whole society,in spite of its truely large effects on our daily lives.

amocakiUID：2149779

Does the study of history have value only because it is related to our everyday lives? I'm afraid I can hardly totally agree with such assertion. Admittedly, history does largely influence our lives, which is the most obvious value of it. However, it also shows amazing merits on other aspects as well, as discussed below.

Undoubtedly, although history is mainly about people and events in the past, it does(这个用法用的有点多) constantly touch our daily lives, chiefly in three points. First, history provide us modern people(modernist, modern people 好象有点土,) with mental value. We can absorb bravery and courage from our ancestors to go through difficulties we are confronted. Say, after reading the story about Napoleon, (我觉得这句话放在Say之前比较好,因为你的话, youngster不知道是指Say还是Napoleon) a youngster(拼写错误) who is suffering from a lost examination may get to know that it is not true honor to succeed in the beginning, but to stand up and try again and again after every failure, and then, pick up his/her confidence and continuously struggle until achieve an excellent mark. Additionally, by learning history we are able to avoid making the same mistakes as people in the past .For example, the former American president Reagan used to make a plan called "Star War" to prepare for the predicted war, which cost countless time and energy and turned out to be a complete  waste. After studying such cases, we are warned to do enough investigations and analyse of the present situation before behaving. Thirdly, history may offer us aesthetic enjoyment and entertainment. In fact, what mostly attract people are those tales in history, which involve sense of beauty and excitement.
(我觉得这段挺有条理的, 讲了三个层次, 但是我建议将这三个层次从浅往深说, 比如先说 审美的, 再说勇气,再说避免犯错. 当然,只是我的个人意见)


The study of history, however, can benefit us and our society more in terms of its function in providing identity, which is considered significant character of certain family and even the country, as well as good citizenship. By studying history, we may find out what our grand grand grand(这个我不确定美国人是不是这样说,但是word判断是错的) father might experience in the past, where he lived, what he did, and the forth. We may get to know where we are stem from and who our ancestors are. And this may largely make it easier for us to make a better understanding of our genealogy, and keep the exact fine traditions of the family. As for the identity of the whole society, history contribute to construct perfect citizenship. Deep study in history can tell the whole nation about the heros, how bravely they fought, how fiercely they loved, which seem the very characters and values of the nation. Even problems or failure of the nation in the past can show citizens the strength of the nation to recover from pain, which in turn may result in a wide national loyalty.
( 感觉这段比较玄, 我读的不是很懂, 我建议不要用identity这样的大词, 因为这个很难说的清楚, 你可以说where does we come from 等等, 觉得这里思路比较乱, 没有象上面一样有条理, 建议重新整理一下, 因为如果你自己行文乱了, 别人看了就会更晕. 当然,也可能是我自己思维的问题, 我自己的思维可能不够深, 只是个人意见)
To sum up, the author failed to identify many other aspects the study of history can benefit our human beings and the survival and development of the whole society, in spite of its truely large effects on our daily lives.

你也可以改改我的:

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-629965-1-1.html

iq28UID：2152875

标点之后记得要空一格呵呵.
这个word应该是能够改出来的.

Does the study of history have value only because it is related to our everyday lives? (这句话和题目中间作者的观念还是有点区别的.作者说,历史研究只有在和日常生活相关的时候才是有价值的.你说的是历史研究只是因为它和日常生活相关才有价值.下面论证过程中这两个概念也许不必区分那么清楚,但是全文ts不要就这么明显地给阅卷人留下诟病的把柄.) I'm afraid I can hardly totally agree with such assertion. (这一句话给出意味着是保留的反对观念.但是看你下面的行文更像是平衡观念.) Admittedly, history does largely influence our lives, (这一句和topic的观念就差别更大了) which is the most obvious value of it. However, it also shows amazing merits on other aspects as well, as discussed below.
(首段框架不错.一句话带过作者观念,然后表明自己立场,点到other aspects.内容上注意要忠实于题目本身.尽量不要偷换概念,尤其在ts上面.)

Undoubtedly, although history is mainly about people and events in the past, it does constantly touch our daily lives, chiefly in three points. (似乎没有明显的转折关系,用although看了让人一头雾水.如果是要对比也是时间上的past跟nowadays的对比.关于内容上面都是人们的生活,不够成转折.) First, history provide us modern people with mental value. We can absorb bravery and courage from our ancestors to go through difficulties we are confronted. (mental value只用 bravery and courage能够代表么?所有方面都讲到当然不太可能,但是在ts跟勇气之间要加论证.) Say, after reading the story about Napoleon, a yongster who is suffering from a lost examination may get to know that it is not true honor to succeed in the beginning, but to stand up and try again and again after every failure, and then, pick up his/her confidence and continuously struggle until achieve an excellent mark. (1,这个例子并不是阐述了怎么让人鼓起bravery,而是说了如何坚持; 2,更严重的是,这个分论点只有例子没有论证.大忌) Additionally, by learning history we are able to avoid making the same mistakes as people in the past. For example, the former American president Reagan used to make a plan called "Star War" to prepare for the predicted war, which cost countless time and energy and turned out to be a complete waste. (需要详细阐述的不是历史上那些错误,而是讲我们怎么通过研究历史避免这些错误.前面红字内容至少要砍掉一半.例子是双刃剑啊...) After studying such cases, we are warned to do enough investigations and analyse of the present situation before behaving. (有论证了,好于上一个分论点.不过还是不够深度.平淡无奇.) Thirdly, history may offer us aesthetic enjoyment and entertainment. In fact, what mostly attract people are those tales in history, which involve sense of beauty and excitement. (这句话基本不能称为论证.只是重复了一下分论点.)

优点:三个层次很清楚.
缺点:
1 微观上,基本没有看到正面论证.三个分论点其实基本上都可以单独说一个段落.但是lz的文章都是简单的分ts加一个例子.整个段落的结尾也没有总结.
2 宏观上,三个分论点之间没有逻辑联系.
3 全文宏观上,你的首段ts是保留反对topic.一共才两个body,第一个body就赞成了topic.赞成反对一半对一半了.这个样子不如在首段给出平衡观念.

4 最后看完发现你这个body跟下个body对比非常不明显,已经看不清你第一个body是要赞成还是反对题目的论点.


The study of history, however, (觉得把however放在句首可能更好) can benefit us and our secity more in terms of its function in providing identity, (不是很明白你这里identity是什么意思.身份么?) which is considered a significant character of certain family and even the country, as well as good citizenship. (ts有点晦涩.在identity后面就直接可以句号了.which后面的内容单独作为论证,引导下面会比较清楚.) By studying history, we may find out what our grand grand grand (汗,有必要这个样子说么...直接ancestors不可以吗?) father might experience in the past, where he lived, what he did, and the forth. We may get to know where we are stem from and who our ancestors are. And this may largely make it easier for us to make a better understanding of our genealogy, and keep the exact fine tradditions of the family. (好处就是人们可以保持家族传统??理由太牵强.) As for the identity of the whole society, (觉得可以不用搞两个分论点,把个人跟社会弄成递进,可能会更好一点.) history contribute to construct perfect citizenship. Deep study in history can tell the whole nation about the heros, how bravely they fought, how fiercely they loved, which seem (to be) the very characters and values of the nation. (举个人的例子吧.否则空洞了.这种例子也不是很难举的.比如贞德什么的) Even problems or failure of the nation in the past can show citizens the strength of the nation to recover from pain, which in turn may result in a wide national loyalty. (又提出一个新的论点了.没有任何论证就收尾了.)

(这一段糟糕,内部相当混乱.提出了茫茫多的论点(至少3个,首先是家谱,然后是个人对于社会的影响,最后又是社会的失败可以早就民族荣誉感),相互之间纠缠在一起,让人摸不清你究竟想要说什么.)

To sum up, the author failed to identify many other aspects the study of history can benefit our human beings and the survival and development of the whole society, in spite of its truely large effects on our daily lives.

问题比较严重的
看得我也觉得很混乱

第二个body跟第一个body之间的层次拉得不开.
区分极其不明显.
基本要看不清你的body是要支持还是要反对观念.
第一个body的都在讲历史研究是怎么影响日常生活,你要支持topic的话应该是说这些历史研究本身要与日常生活相关.
第二个body第一个家谱的小论点建议直接删掉,我都觉得它是跟日常生活有关的了.

我都快不知道怎么说了.
不太明白lz的思路是什么.
lz好好自己思考一下吧.
把你的意见回复在后面.

iq28UID：2152875

可能lz还是把related跟influence给弄混了

好好省题

susan8940UID：160449

非常谢谢IQ的修改啊!确实指出了我一些很致命的问题!
昨天开始看历史类的文章,主要是pooh的百宝箱和北美范文...觉得百宝箱里关于历史的文章思想深度绝对是没的说...而且感觉跟这题也比较有关联...于是应用了上面几个观点..比如identity..要我自己肯定不可能想到这个...

写之前觉得思路挺清晰...谁知道一写就完了....表达不行之外...论点堆砌太多...导致不能把每个论点充分说清楚...而且例子的积累问题也是我比较头疼的...写到第二段基本上思维都乱了...真的想吐...所以酿成这篇奇惨无比崩溃文...

今晚想重新写一篇...舍弃一些论点...另外,重新审题...写之前就不太清楚这篇题目的确切意思是什么..有点抽象..只有在与人们生活联系起来时才有价值...怎样才算联系起来?什么情况算是没有联系起来?其实daily life确切指什么?

今晚重写....请IQ再看看新文哈...第一次得到像你这样详细又中肯的修改!再谢!

iq28UID：2152875

只有在与人们生活联系起来时才有价值...怎样才算联系起来?什么情况算是没有联系起来?其实daily life确切指什么?


yes!

昨天也跟别人说到这个问题
本来什么叫'和日常生活相关'这个概念就很模糊

那你更要在支持跟反对的段落之间把这个概念拉开一点
让人看得清楚

加油

susan8940UID：160449

原帖由 iq28 于 2007-3-18 15:45 发表
只有在与人们生活联系起来时才有价值...怎样才算联系起来?什么情况算是没有联系起来?其实daily life确切指什么?


yes!

昨天也跟别人说到这个问题
本来什么叫'和日常生活相关'这个概念就很模糊

那 ...

好的!晚上再给你看哈...

不知道要不要在开头来一段...把daily lives给解释了...

iq28UID：2152875

原帖由 susan8940 于 2007-3-18 15:57 发表



好的!晚上再给你看哈...

不知道要不要在开头来一段...把daily lives给解释了...

不用
经常单独解释了还弄巧成拙
解释的跟下面的论述的还不match

层次拉开得清楚一点就可以了了